Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
LIG: Good to hear from you, and congrats on the NC. That whole baby shower invitation was crazy. Totally crazy, and classic S.
Melanie – your ex S sounds like a raging Sociopath. I echo what every one else says: RUN!!!
Donna: This is such a great article and the sex factor is so critical in the seduction/addiction process. It is their biggest and most effective tool. Getting over the sex addiction to him is one of the most critical parts of NC. At least it was for me. I’m so glad not to want him anymore – even though the sex wasn’t good in the end, it was in the beginning, and I was totally hooked. I just hope he never crosses my path again, because at this point I think i might have enough traces of addiction in my blood that it might get re-activated. I look forward to it being totally and complete gone. Does that ever happen?
Congrats to all of us for being strong enough to get away. And may our bond to each other be suffiently loving and powerful to keep us safe from going back.
Jim in Indiana
“It takes some time”you’ll get there.”
Thanks for sharing and a great post.. 🙂
I’d like to get a discussion going on this thought.
The other day while I was taking care of a little 5 year old girl … we were making belated Valentines as she played a few of her favorite movies in the background during our arts and crafts activities.
One of the movies was Lion King. I observed how she reacted positively to the kind and loving characters and shunned away from the evil characters. Same with the other movies she viewed.
I am/was always the same growing up. I found myself rooting for the good guys and booing the bad guys.
I was wondering, do our EXs root for the BAD characters in movies, books, life? Or, do they absorb common reactions of people and take the opposite stand just to get over on everyone?
Funny, my EX loved all these children’s movies. He insisted on playing them while he lived with me. All the movies Erika watches were given to her by me … compliments of my EX leaving them behind… he was too busy stealing my things before he left.
Peace.
Melanie:
The behavior the guy is exhibiting is that of control. He is not interested in relating to the woman, he is interested in controlling her. I have heard of many cases of sociopaths withholding sex as a method of control.
“I have heard of many cases of sociopaths withholding sex as a method of control.”
I know my did…
Melanie,
I think you should listen to D. Anderson.
Frankly, what Wini and Melanie describe are consistant with my observations about relations with the N/P/S.
This is what their partners report, and this is what their associates observe. They’re mean and capricious outside of the bedroom, and that all conveys to their intimate behavior.
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit!!!
Apparently there are a few N/P/Ss who put on quite a show in the bedroom while in the charm and disarm phase of a relationship. This showmanship seems like one more cruel lie, in that it’s apparently quite a hook.
If someone has been the target of this type of charm and disarm, it seems like one of the cruelest tricks the personality disordered can play.
I think writers, directors, producers in the entertainment industries should write scripts explaining the sociopath/anti-social traits in relationships. Withholding sex, being a major ploy, along with the other control issues mentioned on this blog.
I’ve seen it for over the last 30 years. Young highs school/college students accepting the bad behaviors of personalities that have issues/problems and making it the norm… being accepted into mains stream society … to the point, no one realizes what is acceptable behavior any longer versus what is detrimental behavior.
Peace.
I remember a young college student that took night classes with us. She originally came in with all black outfits on. Black lipstick, black clothes, black nail polish … and of course, dyed black hair. It was during the Goth rage. Towards the end of the semester, she’d come into class wearing a dog collar and leash. I had to converse with this issue … telling her she had just set women’s liberation back 1,000 years. After class, her boyfriend came and walked her down the hallway … with leash in hand, she walked in front of him. Heads turned all over campus. Was this their objective? I don’t know. I never knew what the Goth rage was all about. I know the character that got my job as my bosses did me under with constant harassment would come in looking like Alice Cooper in drag … black eye makeup, black clothes, the Goth look to work. This guy had to work with customers. He scared half of them to death.
Go figure! My bosses ensured he got my job! To this day, he does my job after I had to teach him how to do it.
Peace.
Elizabeth Conley: I wonder who our EXs are really angry with? I know I didn’t do a thing to injure, insult, harm my EX. I had no idea he was like this. He never let the mask slip. It was only after he left the last time … on what I thought was a business trip, did the truth get uncovered when I reviewed all the paper work he left behind.
I keep remembering the line from Val Kilmer playing Doc Holiday … telling Wyatt that the reason a hoodlum was mean and angry was revenge. Revenge for what says Wyatt? For being born!
Elizabeth: I was the target of the charm & disarm. He never was sadistic in the bedroom — except since it was all a lie, every single moment, it might have been the most sadistic element of all. It was how he ensured that I would trust him, as if we had a relationship. I go into panic at the thought of any intimacy, even the thought of someone holding my hand.
If I had been dealing with blatant abuse, I don’t think I’d be so damaged now. But, who knows? Damage on this level is just unspeakable. I can’t say my pain is any worse than anyone else’s here.