Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
MariaLisa…. well are we talking the name I ended up calling him..because that began with an M….. LOL… But no, we dont have the same connection, just in theory….afterall they are all pretty much the same deadbeats…
I am doing much better…but it took quite some time and dedication to the cause of wanting to know myself better and sort out my own past and reasons for being who I was…and finding who I could really be…if I just put forth the effort to learn about ME…and of course, others…
Having faith is a part of it, but having faith in yourself. Having faith that one person on this planet is not the be all end all and can never control you or manipulate you again — once you connect with your own inner strength and love and respect and trust. Its all about you. Dont be afraid to go there — it far supercedes anything any jerk could ever give you or share with you (because they cant and dont know how).
Its a process… READ KATHLEENS ARTICLES ABOUT HOW WE HEAL…. start from the beginning…allow yourself time to go through the process and trust and know that he was just one small piece of your big picture of your life…build and rebuild…the skies the limit…but thats down the road…for now its babysteps forward and NO CONTACT!!!!
learnthelesson
mwah! i will look all of kathleen’s articles up.
Hi kathy, did you write something here about ‘splitting’? Could you tell me where so i can read it?
MariaLisa,
Part of what you said that attracted you to your ex is what I was trying to explain yesterday. When you said that you saw in him the loneliness that you experienced yourself inside. And how he made you feel like it was just the 2 of you on this planet. All of those things are the “illusion” he created that you fell in love with.
These disordered individuals have the uncanny ability to read into exactly what you are attracted to and become that “person”. That illusion. Your soul mate. 2 parts of a mold that when put together form one……The love of your life. All those things that when we are “wanting to be loved” are so hard to resist.
This “creation” is what they present themselves as in the begining of the relationship to “lure” you in. Once your “in” you begin to see that everything you fell in love WITH is no longer there. That person is gone. That is because that person didn’t ever exist.
This is hard to realize, or come to terms with, because you still have “moments” of the illusion, and you still have memories of how it used to be. But what you saw in the end of the relationship is what was REALITY of who this person really was. This is what complicates the recovery process. The bad man/good man, process your mind goes through.
First you have to accept that he was not a good man. In any way, shape, or form.
If there were 12 steps to this program of recovery such as they have in AA….I think this would be step one.
And I would aslo think that you can’t jump ahead and do step two, until step one is completed.
What is step 2? I’m not sure…Any ideas Lf?
Blueskies…This was a reference I found to “splitting”… not sure if its what you are referring to, but maybe ??
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2006/07/09/divorce-custody-and-personality-disorders/
Dear MariaLisa, I am so glad you did not leave the site!
I can so relate to what you wrote, seems we have been dating the same X! I broke up with X 15 months ago, after eight months “relationship” minus 1 month of “Time out”. Your English is very understandable and good, English is not my first language either. I never ever felt not accepted on this side except in one or two occasions. I simply ignored comments by people that I found harsh or that did trigger some akward feeling. Obviously you were targeted by a P-intruder to start with, and some of the posters mixed you up with him. I would ignore the comments from these people for a while until you feel well enough to read them too, I did so with some posters as well at times. Some people are quite direct in their tone sometimes. And maybe we as non-native-English-speaking folks do not get all the subtleties of the slang that is being used.
I recommend to you the series of Kathleen to go through it, it gave me lots of insights about my relationships with others and with myself, and how it could possibly happen. (I had to look back at my family and the pedigree to find the answer)
It is in my opinion completely useless to talk with other people besides on this side about what happened to me and how to deal with working place problems with the P/N/S. It is just painful and sounds completely incomprehensible to others.
Here I get very good advice and validation. Before entering the difficult talk with my boss I was wondering whom of my friends I would call, but made the right decision of blogging here (the intruder advised me to “be strong”, hell I know that I am strong!!) Oxy gave me courage, hid in the plant on the bosses desk, and I felt good afterwards.
I got so much stronger these 15 months since I broke up, and in hindsight X opened my eyes to solve problems I had been carrying my whole life but was not aware of. Like the song by CHer” Strong enough” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaJug-QBKVM
Lots of tears though, mostly the ones I kept in my emotional cellar that I was cleaning up, and there are still more layers to be taken care of and put accordingly into place. Next project will be the diploma I have been procrastinating so long because I thought not being worth being labelled as capable. (Cinderella has to go to the ballroom, but is still afraid somehow). Specially since she has sent away “Prince charming”!
BLUESKIES… I also found this taken from Kathleens Article January 2009, “How do we heal part two: painful shock”
Reactions to trauma
Whether or not we consciously grasp the fundamental nature of this trauma, our primitive survival system does. And it reacts instantaneously to restore a semblance of stability so that we can go on. Instantaneous emotional responses fall into two basic categories ”“ expansion and contraction.
Anyone who has ever been attacked by verbal or physical violence is familiar with the “contraction” reaction. There is a feeling of retreating inward and condensing our consciousness to a small, tight, still, watchful point inside us. We shut down emotionally and separate from what is happening to us.
If this state continues, we become split inside ourselves, often at war with ourselves because part of our experience is not acknowledged as part of us. The parts that “don’t count” or “aren’t real” can become internal restrictions on what is safe to remember or feel. The fear of experiencing the trauma becomes converted to alienation, anger and aggressive defense.
The “expansion” reaction is related to awareness that our previous boundaries of identity have been breached and partly demolished. Our relationship to the rest of the world, in we were defined by our boundaries as separate and “owned” by ourselves, becomes diffused. We may initially feel euphoric, “spacy” feelings as endorphins flood our brain to counteract pain. Our sudden difficulty in determining where we end and the outside world begins may be perceived as ’destiny” feelings of being chosen or that we belong in the abusive drama.
If this goes on, our separate feelings, values and desires may become increasingly difficult to identify, articulate or defend. In our dealings with external reality we may becoming increasingly ungrounded, “fleeing to higher ground” where we cling to high moral or spiritual principles with a diminished ability to recognize or integrate information that does not match our view of life as it should be. Except for these principles, we may become increasingly dependent on others for information about who we are or our role in relationships or the world at large.
One of the reasons that relationship experts strongly suggest terminating a relationship in which we are shocked and disappointed more than once, is that each time this happens, a trauma occurs. They may be relatively small traumas, and we may think we are managing them. But these little explosions can do more than hurt our feelings. If we internalize their implications about who we are or our role in the world, they literally undermine the structure of our identity. Whether we expand or contract in response, we are slipping farther away from an open, healthy understanding of ourselves as separate, self-governed beings with full use of our emotional resources.
These instantaneous reactions occur at a deep layer of consciousness, where we may not be aware of them. Even though we are adults who, in reality, are free to act on our circumstances and to choose the meaning we ultimately assign to a trauma, these first reactions are the equivalent of the emergency workers who rush to the scene of a fire, extinguishing it no matter what kind of damage they do to the structure in order to stop the blaze. They provide temporary re-wiring to help us get through the immediate disorientation. Later comes the clean-up and rebu
ps. Kathleen mentioned she was going to lunch with her son this afternoon, and would be returning later today!!!
Libelle,
You sent away Prince HARMING… you must go to the “Ball” to enjoy being the beautiful bright Princess you are and remember Prince Charming is a fairytale…but there may be a good decent honest and real guy there, once youre ready to go there! 🙂
witsend, libelle
thanks you guys. your posts: so sweet and helpful. i am gonna try to take everything ive been reading on here, in. its been a lot and my mind is sort of full and i need to sort of recapulate.
love!