Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
healing the heart
unfortunately also your story is very familiar. if you have time and energy its really a good idea to read the blogs, i thought my psychopathic ex and our history together was something that must have never existed before. wel..when you read into it it will become sooo much clearer. i have read 2 books on psychopathy and i think its quite necessary to have any sort of grasp on the phenomenon or else you will just be dazed and confused til the end of time. i still have nightmares and wake up every day sick to my stomach thinking about him and his lies and moments i shared with him keep popping up in my mind and i really have to reason with myself in order to get through the day.
so..youre not alone. read a bit more on lovefraud and youll find out how not alone you are. about the addiction part: also abou this subject there is a lot to find here! you are addicted so make you sure you become clean by having NO CONTACT its takes soo much discipline but it is the most necessary thing to do ever. i cant really advise you anything other than making sure you wont have any contact with him and inform yourself on the subject of these non humans…i falter myself all the time, but its all part of it…be nice to yourself!
good luck to you!
ps you sound eastern european but maybe im wrong, it doesnt matter, im european aswell though. not eastern.
everyone
while i was reading some posts from newcomers i realise i never really sort of introduced myself. i wonder whether a part of the confusion came from that ( remember the time with pianoman jumping in at the same time)…i just came in started talking about how my sexlife with my psychopathic ex puzzled me!!! i never realised this was somewhat of a community. i had read quite a bit on this blog but thought people would just sort of randomly respond to one another so i just put my questions out there….
for a large part i still have the same questions, but i know now that a lot of my questions cannot be answered to my satisfaction. they ( the s/p’s) are too foreign to supply an asnwer…
Dear Healing the Heart,
Welcome. Im sorry we all come together under these circumstances – but LF is the most special place to be when trying to remove ouselves from a toxic relationship or change the unhealthy patterns we get stuck in.
Begin to heal your heart …by making a list of all the good things about him (PRESENT DAY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP)… not past tense in the beginning when things were dreamy and wonderful…but present day…make a list of all the good things about HIM in your relationship and then make an honest list about all the negative things about him/your relationship. Be honest and realistic. Not the “Good” things about what you offer and do and give …the things he does for you!
Also, you said you think you have a handle on this….man…
Is he really even a man you are dealing with? Is he mature and responsible and a provider?
Also you ask why he would need so much love and not give it back?
May I ask you what was asked of me…. Why would you give so much love to someone who is not, does not or cannot give it back to you? I believe you do need love and want love — and you are mistaking the bits and pieces he now gives you as “love” or “attention” — and you must instead really sit back and see what he is really choosing to give you and the way he is choosing to treat you… and how you are choosing to let him instead of saying to yourself — WOW! I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! AND KICKIN HIM TO THE CURB!
You also asked how this all happened… the million dollar question as far as Im concerned. At first for me it was all his fault! And he did have a lot of responsibility to the unhealthiness of our relationship. But slowly I also saw that there were some weaknesses in the core of my being that allowed me to accept less than I deserve and that enabled me to become addicted to a bad man. These were things I had to eventually focus on so that I could become stronger and wiser and back to the person I wanted to be.
I didnt want to be with him anymore because from a realistic point of view he was offering me crumbs and treating me poorly and taking advantage of the fact I was vulnerable and in love with him. Nothing was easy and fun and good anymore – it was just an uphill battle for me to keep getting “hits” of what I wanted and the way I wanted it to be.
You have “his number” so to speak.. you are well aware of what you are dealing with… now you need to gain inner strength and understanding about yourself and decide what you want for yourself. your life. your well being.
NO CONTACT are two easy words to say and spell out – but to put into action they were more challenging for me than anything else so far on this journey! But once you make up your mind that to stay with him is a life of chaos and cheating and lying and crazymaking vs a new life without him and learning and growth for yourself.. the ability to remain NO CONTACT gets easier and easier! You change and grow and learn and he remains stagnant and unhealthy and full of bad life choices. And one day you will look back and feel empowered that you were able to make the choice to save yourself and not stay or try to save or help someone who doesnt want to be saved/helped anyway!!!!
Keep sharing and keep reading and keep trusting yourself and your instincts…one day at a time.. you will find your way outward and onward!!
HealingtheHeart:
I agree with the advice given by MarieLisa and learnedthelesson. I might add my own piece of advice. When I first posted last December, I wrote out my story, month-by-month to trace the progression of my so-called relationship with S. The question I kept asking was “why?” Why did I stay in this relationship. The answer was “Because I was determined to win back that wonderful man I fell in love with.” Of course, I ultimately learned that man never existed.
I would suggest you read the books “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare and “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout so you can get your hands around what you have been dealing with. I would also recommend “The BEtrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes and “If YOu Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. Betrayal Bond helps explain how come we allowed these people to do what they did. Controlling Parents helps explain the kinds of control that can be used by our parents to bend us to their will. Once you understand how you were controlled, then the betrayal bonding process makes sense.
When I found this site last December I was ready to commit suicide. It does get better. The brain fog ultimately lifts. You will begin to see these creatures for the monsters they really are and get angry at them. And speaking personally, you will ultimately start putting them in the past as you move forward and meet someone great who treats you the way you deserve. But, it is a process that you’ve got to go through.
There’s an old saying “I’m sure there are some things more painful than the truth. But, offhand I can’t think of any.”
The truth. Getting to the truth. Because, as you will learn, everything about these creatures is a lie. Every word out of their mouths, including the words “a” “and” and “the” is a lie. Finally understanding the truth about them, and the truth about yourself is how you will heal.
Once again, welcome.
hi matt
i havent seen you here yet, i dont read every post though plus ive only been on here for a short while.
i am quite intrugued by your post. it sort of makes me feel good to read such a level headed post, giving me the sense of hope. i havent come as far as you yet and i would like to ask you did you really meet someone who is so different and still captivates you. did you have to change yourself for it? ( getting rid of those patterns you say those books also address)?
i for some reason dont feel like he controlled me ( until say the ast months), i felt manipulated yes, i felt something was up, something was off, i couldnt get my head around it, i thought he had autism, then i thought he might be a borderliner, then i thought he has asperger, i couldnt grasp it, i was spiralling down but control..im not sure..under his spell absolutely….im drifting off. i would like to know a bit more about your insights, also because a male perspective sheds a different light. thank you for your post.
MariaLisa:
I sure did have to make some changes in myself to meet someone like the guy I am seeing. For starters I had totake a long hard look at myself and see the repeating patterns — I have an S father and an N mother who did a beautiful job of conditioning me so that I accepted the outrageous behavior patterns exhibited by S, and many others in my life. So, I had to get really clear on why I gravitated to exploitive personalities and figure out what I could do to short circuit the process. That also entailed learning about the types of control that I allowed to be exerted over me.
Second, I had to get really clear on what I was looking for in a person — the qualities that would make me feel good about myself for a change and that I wanted in a partner. This guy is 180 degrees different from S — besides being good-looking he’s smart, successful, solvent and doesn’t have a prison record. I am for the first time in my life discovering that when you are dealing with somebody whose life is togeher, you can actually focus on the relationship and not on how you’re going to solve the other person’s problems. That fact alone allows a relationship to develop in ways I never knew were possible and allows both parties to focus on each other’s needs and not on their problems.
Third, I think as you gain more distance from S, you will start to see the myriad ways he controlled you. Because, one thing I learned about these creatures, it is all about control. Just because he didn’t have you handcuffed to a radiator, doesn’t mean that he wasn’t controlling you. Not demonstrating respect for your partner is a good way to control them. The fact you were under his spell indicates to me, he was exerting control over you.
The key thing is, this is a learning process. Not only learning on how Ss operate. But, also learning about how they did what they did to us. And most important, what changes we can make in ourselves so that this never happens again.
did anyone think that maybe we should post the pictures of these s’ so to protect all the other people… cause they have been hurting so many people… just a thought..
cause once you have been bite… you know something is wrong…. the red flags are waving… but they are so good.. at it !!!!
healing the heart
Thank you all….. for your support …. I am feeling so weak right now.. wish all this was a bad dream… and would go away. thank you all.. so much…. I am not going to talk to him. take his calls.. or texts… he is very good… and knows how to work me…. I am way too good for him… and I knew this… many years ago…. but ignored all the signs… however he got so much better,, as years went on.. but he does not change his spots….. I am so sorry.. I trusted him…
I am so happy to have found this blog,… and all you loving people who understand….
Your question, ” why would a man need so much love and not have any to give back?” is easy to answer. These people do not have the capacity to love anyone, it is missing from their psyche — unless they are true narcissists (like mine) and then they do have the capacity to love themselves, I think.
Welcome to LF. You’ll learn a lot here.
Matt
Great post to MariaLisa.
Was she controlled? Only she can decide that for herself. The conclusion I reached in my particular situation is that MANIPULATION is a form of control – my ex-S was a ‘salesman’. He used to say things like “I’ll just ‘position’ it so that he’ll go for it” – interpret this as “I’ll just embellish the bits that are pertinent to make it seem more appealing/palatable and leave out the downside etc to persuade him it’s a good idea”. He really didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. Was this to win an order? No, this was to get his own son to do things. Well, maybe in this cut-throat world, this is becoming an accepable way of going about things but what happens to honesty in all this? Respect for the other person making choices based on truth? No, to me this kind of manipulation is CONTROL – I suppose it just depends on how you define it, doesn’t it?
Glad you have found a new and nurturing partners.