Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Blueskies
A very succinct point.
Their whole raison d’etre is that they feel ’empty’ to begin with and need filling up. Normal people on the other hand, only seem to arrive at something similar to this ’emptiness’ after they have been ‘damaged’ by the fall-out of a relationship with with a S/P/N. This actually raises the question (once again) is it NATURE OR NURTURE? And if it is ‘nuture’ why then don’t all damaged people become sociopaths? Why is it that for people on LF that we try to make sense of feelings and try to work our way back to ‘mental health’ rather than ‘join the club’ – which takes us back to the ‘wiring’ being the malfunction – chicken or the egg? Is this too simplistic?
My brain hurts now.
thinking again…. I just kept seeing him .. and nurturing him..
because… I told myself he did not give back to me… just like
he did not give to himself…. no gift for him.. and no gifts for me…. and somehow… I allowed my self to believe that excuse. for him not giving back…. thinking… I would cure him,?? sounds crazy now…!! when I stopped giving to him.
Mostly out of my finances being not good any more.. he did not give back to me… He, I think.. found a new giver..!!
however did want to give me up either..!!
He always created me to feel sorry for him.. also. especially
when he felt I was upset with him.
Five Years of this crazy thinking.. and broken promises.
My stomach hurts..too !!
escapee
my bet: wiring
but still no excuse. they know what they do and they are dangerous.
healingtheheart
that facade is familiar to me too. i know know he led different lives. every psychopath is different in the sense that they have different tastes and differen basic needs, on different level. for instance you would say that a psychopath feels he is entitled to only the best food. yet if their tatse isnt so they will never appreciate it or even try to….
mine loved fastfood no matter how long i was in the kitchen for him making the best meals. he would urge me to make food, than eat a bit and get a burger anyhow. cant believe i put up with it. he also drove a crappy car. he couldnt be bothered about it. he wante other things. like attention. fast everything. entertaiment all the time. not to be hassled with anything ‘ mundane’ like with chit chat with people he felt were uninteresting…
ML & HTH
Nobody said they weren’t perverse…….. the S that blighted my life had OCD and a strong sense of the importance of ownership – things, people whatever – he had to control it all – he loved luxury and the good life – epsecially when someone else was paying – now there’s the common denominator that we should be looking at – personal preferences may differ but the bottom line is the manipulation, the conning and the deceit they use to get their needs met. The differences and similarities about food etc are not really significant – in my opinion. I think it’s important that we don’t take our eye off the ball and ask the wrong questions.
ML – I like the point you made about anything ‘mundane’ like chit chat with people he felt were uninteresting –
The idiot once said to me (when I invited him to a very close friend’s family gathering) “will there be anyone there for me to talk to?” – Who says a thing like that when invited to a social occasion? A complete needy, self-enchanted narcissist, that’s who. They even need to know in advance that their ‘supply’ is on tap – huge RED FLAG – just like “Why wouldn’t I find the prettiest girl in the room and go and talk to her?” – flirt with her, as he thought – I think she thought he was just a silly old sod! Their vanity doesn’t let the fact that the target of their creepy attention is a stunning 23 leggy blond with a ‘hot’ boyfriend in tow and the S is a craggy, 50 year old, short, beer bellied slimeball!
Thanks – glad I got that off my chest AGAIN! LOL
healing the heart,
I understand your confusion about whether or not they love themselves or not. It is all about “them” in the end, though, if you examine their actions.
Your discription of your Ex sounds like mine, too, with the exception of nice clothes. He didn’t buy many but when he did it was only fashionable clothing. He ate things cold out of the refrigerator, too, and usually only ramen noodles for lunch, because they were cheap.
I don’t think his love for himself (if he had any) was expressed materially but in an attitude, “I deserve anything I want.” including MY love. devotion and obedience. (The obedience even included agreeing with all of his decisions and opinions and not have any of my own.) And I didn’t perceive his to be a “normal” kind of selfishness. Hard to explain.
I finally figured out that he didn’t “waste” any of his money that he worked long hours for on himself any more than he wanted to ‘waste” it on any other person or thing. His public image and his money were the most important things to him, really.
Occasionally, I thought he was like “king Midas” in the fairytale. Golly, that is hard to explain, too.
Oh, my Ex wouldn’t even join a health club, golf club, or even buy a abike or tennis racket — because they cost him “his” precious money.
He said the words, “I love you” almost every day but if I needed something — including emergency care — I was on my own. That wasn’t love in action to me! I did finally figure out that anything that inconvenienced him was not on his agenda!
You are new to this, aren’t you? Many things will begin to make sense to you as you keep learning.
Keep learning and growing — and taking time to BREATHE — and you’ll make it!
escapee
“personal preferences may differ but the bottom line is the manipulation, the conning and the deceit they use to get their needs met. The differences and similarities about food etc are not really significant – in my opinion. I think it’s important that we don’t take our eye off the ball and ask the wrong questions”
absolutely! my example with the food was just that. to shed the misconception that it can be in those things.
like you said: focus on conning and deceit. ONGOING conning and deceit on EVERY level. not a white lie, not a bit secretive, no watch him doing it continuously and dont become numb to it after a few months ( cause that is exactly what happens most of the time, you just get tired)
and i am still flabbergasted how my ex thought he was god’s gift to women, when there was nothing he had to give ( apart from an illusion that made me attached and the following manipulation which wouldnt let me figure things out fast enough or be able to leave on time). my ex was actually really tiny and ugly. and im tall and pretty. but i honestly dont care for looks. lucky him. i fell for something else he oozes im afraid ( apart from his high morals which i found extremely important and interesting) and ashamed to say…
‘BUT because most of them are so succesful for so long in filling the empty vessel that they are, they are in that time space as fulfilled as we ( if you look at it very matter of facty).
I dont agree with this( I know you wont mind me not agreeing;)IMHO They are never successful in FILLING the vessel even for a moment. So many stories on here about back up or satillite relationships; even when they are in the ‘moment’ of having their vessel filled it is not real to them and is already past and used up and worth nothing. they may give the appearance of being successful, but they are NOT WIRED UP to receive ANYTHING solid or REAL. Just consume, consume , consume and none of it sticks or MEANS anything. A life consisting of a constant propulsion through life giving others.
I am tired(can you tell?)x I am walking a razors edge of sense:)x
Goodnight peeps!xx
Blueskies
You know – you’re right. All the ‘back burner’ relationships – ‘the other options’ – when you think about it, it must be absolutely exhausting – so how come it’s the victims of their behaviour that end up knackered? LOL.
Sleep tight.
I dunno:)xx Thats a very interesting point. Its survival? Parasites do what they do to survive.:)x zzzzzzzzz crash.
A NewLilly….” oh baby… you are correct about that.. its all
about them.. completely…. their bodies… their pains.. their stomachs….. He choose what we did and when we did it.
it was never about me… or what I wanted.. ever !!!
He would not wait in a restaurant… we had to leave… !
the service had to be excellent or he would be so upset..
He bought the best 70.00 wine.. and the best food.. !
He had to sit next to me in the restaurant…. I caught on… that that avoided looking at me in the eyes.. !!!
All this sounds so terrible and yet…. I miss him terribly…
I pray all the time… I miss the fantasy he gave me.
I cant go along with it any longer..
I have a closet of clothes here that are his… and he has my key to my house…
he has not called me… I caught him lieing.. and he is such a piller of honesty… he cant face me.. for sure… and he will still lie about it… still.. and I caught him red handed…
and other times.. but … you know the saying…. pick your battles….. that was what I did….. !!
I swear I feel… we all were with the same man… I know that sounds crazy… especially…. learn the lesson…. oh my gosh
He is a parasite… my money is gone… and so is he….. really
thats the reason…. I bet…. he would never admit that ever,
I am so sad…. about this… I wish there was hope…
He will be back with a text… I miss you..
I pray I am so healed by then…. I pray so hard…..
thank you for you attention …. and I am there for all of you
also….. even though I am a new be !