Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Wini – From day one he always told me all of his x’s were “crazy”. And he ultimately confided (to this day I believe this to be true but who knows) that he gave all of his love and trust to a woman he thought he was going to marry after college. She apparantly devasted him through horrible deceit and manipulation. And he emphatically states “IT WAS A HARD LIFE LESSON, A MISTAKE I WILL NEVER MAKE AGAIN.” At one point he actually said he knows he is going to die alone because he will never marry, etc. I remember saying I think you didnt learn the right lesson in college. In one sense it was about her and her choices with you. But the bigger picture is about how you dealt with it, processed it, recoverd and set new boundaries for future relationship. Its about how you chose to cope after the fact. And also his relationship with his Mom is quite different than that I know of w/other men. She has alot of control over him from an independent decision making point of you. She has bailed him out/covered up and enabled for years. So, Im not sure who they are really angry with? Seems to me it can be a myraid of things. From love gone wrong at a very young developmental age/stage to genetics to controlling (but perhaps well intended) parents. No clue. But I often wondered what stagnated him and why he harbored such anger. I did clue him in to the fact that its virtually impossible for every single woman in his life to be “crazy” and although I am now undoubtly on that list, that he should consider the potential that he might have some kind of unresolved issues.
Learn: Do you see how he’s using the pity play at every turn? Every single relationship? Starting with the (perhaps mythical) first one that “broke his heart”? Maybe she just was smart enough to see that something was WAAAaaaay off, and she ran! If in fact that story has any truth.
I don’t buy the “love gone wrong” piece. I do think genetics has a big part, and then consider that this guy has his mother covering for him and explaining for him, and if he lets her make decisions, then isn’t he also putting her on the hook for any decisions that later he doesn’t like? So he doesn’t have to take any responsibility and he can blame her? Isn’t that the pattern?
To all – The other good thing that has come from landing here at Lovefraud. I reread my posts and see that I need to get some more sleep!!! The words are coming out faster than I can type them or spell them correctly or put them altogether! And kids took spell check off my computer! Reminder to self to ground them 🙂 My youngest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last year. Sleep has been at a premium the past year , as he gets checked and insulin dosed throughout the night. But now I can see that I need to get a few more hours in under my belt or get a computer that will voice translate into typed posts! Off to take a much needed cat nap.
Rune- to quickly answer your questions YES! YES! I must say I think the college one triggered something in him (relating to anger, shutting down and never trusting another again) – I think she really did a number on him. But you are right I will never know the real truth behind that. But I think there was some merit to that story. I really do. Yes to everything you said about the mom…and the pattern… If only I had learned about myself and about the red flags associated w/P’s and S’s.
yes indi – sometime’s I think the experience did some permanant damage – kinda like coming out of coma and having to learn to walk and talk again – and having amnesia and not remembering who you used to be
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. GET A GRIP here! You are only addicted if you allow yourself to become addicted. You only think about your EXs (become obsessed and addicted into thinking about them) if you allow them room in your head. It’s your choice. It’s always been your choice.
The reason it’s so difficult with the likes of our EXs … is because it’s so traumatic. It’s the trauma and denial of the truth coming into our intellectual though process (aka our minds) that slows our healing process. Once the truth starts taking over, we get ourselves free from the likes of them.
Our EXs are like nothing we’ve ever dealt with before. They are so slimy and so sleazy it’s beyond anyone’s imagination. We are all children of God’s and expect others to acknowledge that fact. When they don’t … the fools of this world are beyond horrific.
That’s all I have to say.
Peace.
Kathleen, I want to let you know that your posts are so affirming to me..thank you for going so deep into expressing what it was like.
I am about 2/3rds through, Women Who LOve ….etc. and have found such impact in the concept that we share SHARE certain traits with the PSN, that is why we got hooked. It is i know where I have been needing to go, but the book and the background of the study gives it substance. The theories therin do not resolve us victims from our role in the drama, but they help us understand why we were defenceless, and illuminate a way to move forward.
When I was at my most desperate time, completley without any safety net, I visited a therapist recommended from one I trusted and had a long (3 yr) history with in another town. When I had more or less finished my whirlwind tale of agony, she ended the session by saying, ” Well at least your had some exitement,”
I felt as if she had slapped me, but she was right. They are exiting, they are challenging, they need to be fixed. Bingo.
Does that mean we have no capcity to be in a “normal” relationship? to feel for the “boring” person? Just asking.
Are we doomed to be intigued by only them?? My history is not good, and the one I have my eye on could very well fit the mold as well. Aaaagh.
Peace and love to all
Dear eyeswideshut,
Yes, we CAN get addicted to excitement. We CAN get addicted to anything.
Just as a drug addict gets addicted to the “feeling” that they get, we can get addicted to the “feelings” we get from the adrenaline highs (even the emotional lows that cause an adrenaline release cause a “high” of sorts) and we can get hooked on it. I think the Ps to some extent and maybe a big extent are addicted to the risky behavior. The thing is they don’t ever learn to enjoy anything else.
WE CAN LEARN to enjoy other things besides the adrenaline fixes. We can take pleasure in other forms. They don’t want to. I am learning how PEACE AND CALM is a “high” in itself. How not having to stress over things and be mad/irritated/sad/angry/fearful etc all the time. I am starting to take intense pleasures in some pretty “ordinary” things, things others might not enjoy at all….but they are pleasurable to me.
You can get your adrenaline “fixes” in POSITIVE WAYS, or negative ways. You can either rob banks and get a “fix” or if you really need the excitement, you can sky dive, or something else that will give you the “high” but in a POSITIVE not a negative way.
The human mind likes and I think craves excitement, novelty etc. and it keeps life interesting, otherwise we would all go live in a cave individually, but can you imagine how boring that would be? Find things that interest you, that challenge you, that are FUN and do those things. The more I get out and DO things the more fun I have, whether it is working outside in my garden/yard/farm, training animals, or what it is, it is a challenge, keeps me thinking and enjoying a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. I’m even enjoying getting to know new people again.
WE can choose “our poison” or we can choose to live a healthy life and still have excitement and enjoyment in a positive way. I’m tired of the poison, I want some good, clean, healthy FUN!
Eyeswide: I believe we “lock on” to a certain energetic excitement. We feel that match, even before we start talking. We look for others who similarly like adventure, are risk takers — and we don’t know how to take into account whether they are truly compassionate, fully capable of real love. They can put on a good show, opening doors, buying flowers, jewelry, or even knowing just how to NOT do that because it would be too obvious.
These days I’m looking at how people can be generous or kind in ways that don’t win them glory. Quietly. Actions that take time and don’t get them compliments. No grandstanding. I know someone who looks like a thug, but I see him taking tender care of people who have no ability to win him points in some popularity contest. He’s just quietly doing the right thing. He has a bird –fragile thing, loud, who loves him and rides on his shoulder and craps all over his shirt. The bird loves him and only him. With one wave of a heavy hand in a moment of frustration, the bird would be dead. This has been his friend for 11 years. Is he dangerous? I think much less dangerous than one might judge from the outside. Certainly far less dangerous than the “perfect businessman, gift to society” who destroyed my business, my trust, and everything that I counted on for my daily life.
As you look at this possible next person, look at those little signs. Courtesy when no one is looking. A gentleness. A capacity to love.
Good post Rune. Good post.
Peace.