Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Regarding excitement, in various tests I’ve taken, I have a high interest in novelty and excitement in my life. I think it’s part of my capacity for great enthusiasms, which makes my work possible. I get passionately involved.
This is part of my character and it’s something I had in common with my sociopath. I despised the relationship drama with him, but I deeply valued his ability to come up with interesting adventures. I funded them, but I had the money and it seemed like a good way to spend it. I think someone else here mentioned that part of their relationship with their sociopath was that he was their “recreation director.”
In sorting all this out, one of the things I’ve had to face is that I don’t have enough fun in my life, because there is a part of me that is scared of failure all the time. I react to stresses in my life by working harder. In fact, one of the reasons I haven’t been posting lately is that I’m trying to deal with a work situation that has me double- and triple-booked constantly. I’m working from the moment I get out of bed to when I’m starting to nod off at my computer.
I can give a dozen good reasons why I’m in the situation, but the fact is that despite all my good work on my relationship boundaries, I haven’t yet restructured my vision of my life to place appropriate boundaries around work. To a degree, my life is still something that is happening to me, rather than something I create.
I know that there is a big wonderful world out there, beyond my office, beyond my computer, beyond my work relationships. But because my vision of my life is wrapped around meeting obligations, rushing around to handle all the bits and pieces to keep my lifestyle afloat (like finding time to pay bills, grocery shop, deal with house maintenance), I set myself up for needing help in ways that are equally disorganized. Anything that shows up is a relief. And then, anything that shows up becomes incredibly important.
This is a set up for being used. But it’s not because I’m attracting users, although sometimes I am. It’s that it creates a dynamic of need. As much as any other user, I want what I want. I judge the relationship on what I get out of out it.
None of that is bad. It’s healthy, actually. Unless it is occurring in the context of a life that is essentially out of control. And when my needs become colored by desperation, and when my emotional stability becomes dependent on the behavior of these “helpers.”
I’m not sure how well I’m making my point here. But I’ve always thought that I basically invited my sociopath into my life, because my life was out of control. What he offered were all the things — the “hot buttons” — that I desperately needed. An incisive mind to cut through the messes around me. A tough, take-no-prisoners attitude toward my business that was exactly the opposite of my self-victimization by my own creation. And an insistence that a certain part of life should be fun, and that the logical outcome of all my work should be that I enjoy the money I made.
The truth is that when I met him I was desperate. Desperate is not an unfamiliar condition with me. And oddly enough, it’s not an unfamiliar condition with sociopaths. Mine once told me that it was his default emotional condition. So that’s another thing we had in common. And I think that’s also connected with the high interest in excitement and novelty, as well as the low impulse control that sociopaths have, as well as our own low impulse control when it comes to dealing with them.
I think there are a lot of kind of “starvation” involved with these relationship. Huge unmet needs that we have, often because of unacknowledged background issues from our histories, that find their match in the huge unmet needs of the sociopaths. (Though it takes us a while to figure out that their needs, in combination with our needs, are going to work out badly for us.)
But I suspect that most of us, because of early emotional training, are “good girls” or the male equivalent. And like me, we’re a lot more dedicated to creating and meeting responsibilities than we are to the regenerative sides of life — absorbing the beauty of the world, investing time in experiences of fun or adventures, finding ways to express our creativity. All the things that fill us with surprise and awe, and help us learn in positive ways — instead of these miserable learning experience through pain.
Okay, that’s my thought of the day. I have to go back to work now. I wish you all a happy, healthy, healing day.
Kathy
The last two posts really bring home some important points for me.
Rune, I definitely “lock in” on certain energies, feel very excited around certain people (typically men) in a way that makes me feel laser-focused on them, like it suddenly becomes super-important that I end up involved with this person (usually a man, and usually romantically). I give this “chemistry” this “energy” that I feel, all kinds of credit for being a true indicator of connection and “fate” that we are meant to be. I should speak in the past tense as I do not want to feed the thought that I still do this. What I would do would be to credit chemistry, energy, “feelings” of connection with all the importance, and ignore facts, behaviors, observations.
My therapist very wisely said to me recently “When you feel chemistry with someone, RUN the other way.” At first that really bothered and annoyed me – but she was so right! As I’ve been feeling better the last few weeks, I’ve been socializing more, and hence have been meeting more people. Twice in the past month I have met a man at an event and felt a lot of chemistry…..but I’ve been really careful, and have not gotten involved, despite some pull to do so. In both cases, by just objectively observing the person’s subsequent communications with me (and with others), as well as just how they spend their time, I have noted significant discrepancies between what they say and what they do. Sometimes stark contradictions. My impulse is to “ignore” the truth because the chemistry and energy are intoxicating. But not anymore.
Kathleen – I feel very similarly to you with the work/fun balance. At times I have felt that I was “born to work,” and have held jobs since age 12. In college I spent my spring breaks working. I don’t know how to “not” work. I haven’t traveled enough, don’t wear fabulous-enough shoes (I’m really speaking metaphorically about the shoes), don’t spend enough time seeking out “fun” things to do. I feel most comfortable working. The ex S was all about fun. Choices were made based on what would feel best, with really no regard to productivity, impact on others, etc. WHAT A RELIEF! And how exciting to behave that way. Ironically, after the honeymoon, my relationship with him became a lot of work and virtually no fun. I became desperate recreation director trying earnestly to keep him entertained and happy so that he wouldn’t leave me. I tried so hard to make this bitter and resentful person smile. Now I’m trying to please ME. I traveled to Europe and Africa in the fall, I now sleep in until 7:30am (I love this!) rather than up at 6:00 AM to start my day (even though I work till 6 or 7:00pm). I watch more tv (though not so much), and am planning trips for the spring. Fun and leisure are actually pretty cool. At times I have work-too-much relapses, but I notice them for what they are, and then adjust my pace.
Healng Heart – The instant overwhelming “chemistry” I felt from our initial hello – was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. So much so, that I turned to my sister, a few gfs and relatives THAT EVENING and asked them if anything like that had ever happened to them. Here is the catch22 – I thought ??? that CHEMISTRY is what we should consider when looking for a potential partner??? Im sitting here literally shaking my head, because if there was one thing that stood out about this particular person for me it was THE CHEMISTRY we had, but what we didnt have in common were the same values, judgments, honesty, and a lack/mispairing of many other PERSONALITY TRAITS that should not be ignored. (Which I IGNORED) I respectfully disagree with what the therapist said about “If you feel chemistry -RUN” (unless someone can convince me that chemistry (And I am not just referring to sexual) is a bad sign. I think chemistry is one of the first good signs but it has to be ideally matched with TRUTH, COMPASSION, EMPATHY, EQUALITY, RESPECT, REALNESS, etc. at every stage/phase of a relationship.
Healing Heart said “What I would do would be to credit chemistry, energy, “feelings” of connection with all the importance, and ignore facts, behaviors, observations” –
I just reread your post and initially did not read this sentence. Your statement is EXACTLY what I did and in fact was trying to express in my above post.
But there is something to be said about Chemistry, experiencing it as well as having healthy behaviors in a relationship, too. Otherwise I am not sure what my goal should be going forward…
Hi Folks: Here’s a quick chemistry lesson. On the chemical level, molecules bond through a direct interaction that is, shall we say, “irresistable.” The chemical bond may require a catalyst, like heat, or some additional chemical interaction (a fireplace, alcohol, an introduction from a trusted friend?), but that chemical bond occurs because of an energetic match-up, and it takes extra effort to break that bond.
As an example, our bodies require O2 — oxygen that we breathe into our bodies to be carried through our bloodstream and nourish our cells. Curiously, if we breathe CO2 (carbon monoxide, like the exhaust from a car, or waste gas from a faulty furnace) that molecule jumps right into a chemical bond in our bloodstream, but it blocks the receptors for the life-giving O2. Carbon monoxide poisoning is so dangerous and so hard to reverse because of this. So, the “chemistry” is there — the chemical puzzle pieces lock on — and the end result is potentially fatal.
When I feel that “zing” of chemistry, I do a double-take, and then bring in my heavy-duty “chemical analysis” to see what’s really going on!
One little job done today, and I’m checking back in for a moment.
I think the danger in chemistry, and the reason our therapists tell us to watch it, is that it can be a reaction that originates in deep needs for resolution of some old drama. Our inner child responding to an opportunity, rather than our grown-up selves. I think the inner child is that big “I want it” voice that doesn’t care what it costs or the associated risks, but the child sees the opportunity for change of something that needs changing. But our adult selves are more protective of our lives, as they are, and more conscious of the long-term impacts of our decisions.
There’s not a wrong or right here. Our lives are a balancing of conservation and risk-taking. But the stronger the chemistry, the harder it is to be judicious.
A mutual friend I share with my sociopathic ex, who has also had his own expensive experiences with him, once said to me, “Whenever X shows up, I always ask myself whether the ride will be worth the cost.”
During and after this relationship, I thought I’d come to hate myself because I was “too stupid to live.” This was the foundation the big depression.
Later, I realized that there were two major internal voices in pitched battle in my head. One of them was logically keeping track of all the painful events, insults, betrayals, etc. and concluding that this was a bad thing (duh). The other was totally attached to him, pursuing him, remembering all the good things, trying to get him to be wonderful again, etc. And every time we separated for a while, and later when I got rid of him, that part of me was in screaming pain.
The work I did in getting over it was exploration of that attached part. What was it in me that wanted this guy so badly? That work eventually brought me down to very old traumas and related long-standing emotional pain and coping skills that were no longer functional. Healing from the sociopathic relationship actually turned out to be healing of the most fundamental traumatic issues of my life.
So, I think my “child” was correct in wanting this character, because the net of it all was to fix what my deep inner self needed fixed. And I think that was the gist of the huge chemistry I felt. I also think that, because of the way I’d structured my life around these childhood coping mechanisms, I probably didn’t have another way of accomplishing this. I was too functional, too successful (despite a lifelong pattern of relationships that didn’t make me happy and were, if not sociopathic, at least designed to make the other people users and me the usee). I needed the one really awful example of what I was creating, and what was keeping me from my real potential, to reevaluate what these coping skills were doing to my life.
After that experience and the healing that followed it, I find that I don’t experience that same kind of intense have-to-have-it chemistry that characterized the beginning of most of the relationships in my life. I feel sexually attracted to people, sometimes very strongly, but it’s clearly sexual. I really appreciate some people, especially people show me something I’d like to learn, but I don’t “want” them. I just enjoy being around them.
While I was healing and going through these changes, I had some reservations about losing this tendency to fly into relationships with so much passion and abandon. It had been a huge factor in making my life as interesting and rich as it has been, despite the fact that the relationships were not all I hoped for.
However, what I’ve found is that I really like what has replaced it. I’m both more controlled about what I allow into my life, and more relaxed about the outcomes. I think that most relationships share a common shape of development. We meet someone and, however interesting or compatible they might seem, we are initially taking notes and reserving judgment. If they seem like a keeper, we start looking at issues of trust and more detailed compatibility in terms of values and possible shared experiences. Through that process, we gradually develop a sense of their importance in our lives and our willingness to make increasingly deep commitments.
The process is not as cold as it might sound. With someone who is going to be a true friend, it may be quite emotional, because we become increasing tuned to each other, increasingly authentic (and challenged by each other’s authenticity), and we find ourselves in another big learning experience as we make room for them to be themselves in our lives. I am frankly more suspicious now of relationships that are too easy, because I think I’m not encountering the person’s real self. And I don’t want to have any unpleasant surprises when I’ve agreed to dependencies that will be difficult to get out of.
All of this is so different than how I used to be. I used to think my life was like a novel, each chapter named by the big relationship that was dominating my life at the time. I didn’t see myself changing, only the circumstances of my life. Now I look back and see myself growing up through the years, developing skills and acquiring resources, taking big chances that sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t, always with the goal of finding my true self and developing my real potential. I didn’t get involved with the sociopath until I had the capacity to learn from the situation. It was the biggest risk I ever took, and the biggest chance to find myself and finally get well.
It was also the biggest “chemistry” I ever felt. So powerful that it was like a mental illness all by itself. The only time in my life when I felt like I had no choice but to live through this thing.
I suspect it’s the last of these big things, at least in relationship terms. But not the last of them in my life. I also think that what I learned here about learning is going to make me more competent in dealing with the big challenges of the future.
I’m kind of curious to see what I fall in love with next.
Kathleen – Thank you. In my quest to find myself and finally get well, this post will go a long way for me. Thanks for sharing.
Kathleen Hawk said:
“The work I did in getting over it was exploration of that attached part. What was it in me that wanted this guy so badly? That work eventually brought me down to very old traumas and related long-standing emotional pain and coping skills that were no longer functional. Healing from the sociopathic relationship actually turned out to be healing of the most fundamental traumatic issues of my life.”
That could not be put better. This IS the thought that keeps me going and keeps me from self loathing for being with the s. Maybe the experience with the s was so traumatic that it created an earthquake and eruption in my emotional landscape and brought up deep seated issues to the surface. Perhaps anything less would not have done such a broad re-examination of my life, past present, future.
It’s not to say that I wish it did not happened, but maybe it is a ticket to cathartic realizations.
Lucky for those who were raised in balanced, loving mindful families and environments; those have probably less likely to have to have such traumatic ways to relearn about themselves.
But here I am, this is my time.
Thanks, LTL, it helps me to write it out to understand what’s going on with me. I’m glad it makes sense to you.
After I posted, I thought I should have added that this was an incredibly expensive and hard way to learn. If I’d known what it would cost, I’m not sure that even my inner child would have been up for it.
But then, I’d been trying all my life to find easier and less painful ways to undo the effects of these old traumas. Not realizing that I have going to have to let go of some fundamental survival strategies and face the world in a whole new way. I think my attitude was, “Well, can’t I get well while I continue to get love by being a charming, supportive, helpful codependent who doesn’t take responsibility for herself?”
And the universe basically said, “Nope, you can’t. Let’s see if you can learn your lesson from this guy. He’s really cute. You’ll love him. And by the way, it’s your last chance, because the next one will kill you.”
So, if I had it all to do again, would I do it? Sigh. Yeah, I guess I would.
Kathleen – If it was either our money or our life…guess we should be thankful it wasnt the latter. To make myself feel better about the financial loss, I sometimes say it was two for the price of one. I helped his life and ultimately the price I paid helped my own life so much more! I feel so FOOLISH for repeating the same mistakes with him over and over again, but the focus should be on the fact that I got wise and saw the pattern and finally got out. He knew me to be a good person, a kind person, a loyal person and generous to my friends. He used all of those qualities to his benefit and I strolled along like a lost puppy waiting for the bones and scraps he would throw me to keep it going. UGH…. I didnt learn much with him, but I surely learned alot from my dysfunctional relationship with him am boy oh boy am I learning so much about myself with him gone. But not because he’s gone, because I choose not to put the blame solely on him – but to take responsibility for my part and address the old traumas in my life that allowed me to ignore unhealthy behaviors in an S as well as in myself that I will never ignore again.
My daughter will be 16 in a few weeks, and I am contemplating giving her a book about these types of personalities in the world. Heck, we arm them with sex, drug, alcohol education – but very little about personality disorders with potential college roommates, co-workers, etc.