Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Some days I feel so strong and motivated, others I feel so helpless and weak thinking about him all the time, “can’t get him out of my mind” even after all he did to me. I’m struglling to move on and let it go. I think I’m really sick. I’m addicted to this monster. Sorry but not all of us are so strong. Today I’m feeling realy down.
Changed. I can tell you firsthand that I didnt get out of bed except to send my kids to school and greet them when they came home for weeks at a time. There were weeks I didnt feel strong or motivated. I felt helpless and weak obsessing about him/what went wrong/what did I do/could I do. I was addicted and I was convinced I was sick. Its only recently that I have found newfound strength. A real growthspurt in my healing process. But again, I was out of it physically for a year, and now completely for 2 months. I hope i did not come across as minimizing any stage of the healing process. There were days I didnt think I could on. It was sheer hell. I remember looking in the mirror and my lips were so dry from not drinking or eating for days. My friends had to come over and literally convince me to start to see the situation for what it was. It was sheer hell. All I can say, is with time, and taking one day at a time, and taking care of yourself and doing the littlest things for yourself and accepting the relationship for what it was, making a list of good and bad, slowly you start feeling less down and more strong and motivated. It is equivalent to an addiction –
p.s. And reading. I credit alot of what made me stronger was going to the book store and reading about S/P’s and relating to the stories – it enabled me to really grasp that he was a person I should be afraid of, concerned by, and someone who was bad for me. I wasnt happy with him in my life, I wasnt growing with him in my life and I was no longer able to enjoy my life with him. But for the longest time, when it was over, I obsessed on the first year of our bonding friendship and the ensuing months of a romantic relationship – I was in denial. I had to get out from my denial. And so I am still trying to get healthy. Some days good. Somes day relapse with my thoughts and feelings. Im glad you shared what you did. You are not sick, you are right where you need to be and every day stays the same initially, then changes, then goes back and forth and triggers – but eventually it just gets easier. Hang in there
Changed – Im logging off and heading home. There isnt much activity at work these days, with the economy and all of us making changes in our lives – I find myself propped by my computer to keep my mind busy and help the time go by… But I thought I would suggest something I wish i had done sooner for myself, try to express exactly what it is that is making you feel so down. I.E. Maybe its that he is no longer around, or what he did to you or you miss him or you think he doesnt miss you or the little things or the way it was left or whatever it is (Could be any number of things) – but once you specifically pinpoint the thoughts that are bringing you down the most – you can talk about them – and it might help you to get some healing answers and enable you to move on/let go just a little bit more. Just a suggestion. In the meantime take care of YOU!
learnthelesson
Thank you for your emotional support. I really appreciate. Today I woke up a little better than yesterday. I don’t know a lot of things anymore. This ups and down is what annoys me the most. It was almost eight years with him and now is like a movie inside of my brain 24/7. All bad and good moments just keep playing in my brain every minute. Sometimes I even find myself talking laud as if he is there to listen to things that I wish I could tell him. Am I going insane? Inside I fell that I can’t never forgive him. I feel like I want a revenge. I want to see him hitting the bottom. I never felt like that before in my life. I even think that at the end of the day I’m not a good person also, because I think I would be happy only when I see bad things happening in his life and him to soffer the way I’m soffering now, and this is no good. I’m so upset with myself sometimes. How could I let him manipulate and control my life like that. I don’t know if I miss him physically but I find myself jealous of his happiness. While I’m here thinking of everything that happen to us and our relationship..he is sleeping and conning another girlfriend. One of this day I went to see his web page on the HI5 and he wrote in big letters “I AM VERY HAPPY AND ENJOYING EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE”. I think he did on purpose because he knows I check his profile. Now I’m trying to find strenght to stop going to his web page. It is been almost seven days that I resisted the temptation to do so and I’m proud of myself, but it is a struggle believe me. I’m feeling so good to be here writing just wherever it comes to my mind, because I don’t talk with nobody about him because nobody believes me. He just knows how to play “Mr nice” so well that everybody loves him. I’m feeling lighter now.
Dear Changed – Been thinking about you…thanks for the update… Im glad today your load “feels” a bit lighter. Its so challenging not knowing what each day will bring, but I PROMISE YOU, if you be good to yourself – really make yourself do something little for yourself each day – it just somehow adds to more positive feelings to help balance out and eventually lessen the negative ones. Changed — EIGHT YEARS is a heck of a long time, I would be really worried about you if you were just skipping along, unaffected and writing “I AM VERY HAPPY AND ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE” on your web page RIGHT NOW! Girl – you are the healthy one – you are mourning the loss of someone you loved (or thought you loved) – you are expressing/verbalizing (GETTING IT OUT) by writing/talking out loud to yourself (thats temporary – promise:) and by taking the time to acknowledge the loss (good loss) in your life. And BTW, he wants you to believe he is happy – if he truly were he wouldnt feel the need to “broadcast” IM HAPPY on his webpage. Dont be upset with yourself for having feelings of revenge or wishing bad things happen to him – AS LONG AS YOU DONT ACT ON THEM – thats a normal part of this process. For goodness sakes, he devasted you, confused you and misrepresented who he was. Let him continue to make his own mistakes. Try to start to view it as HOW LUCKY YOU ARE to be out of that horrible situation. I mean would you honestly want to go back to that kind a person ??? There are so many GOOD PEOPLE in the world you can attract. In my opinion they are “hitting the bottom” daily, just by the way they choose to live their lives. WE have the choice to not go down with them or let them take us down with verbal abuse and control. You did a good thing for yourself. Be proud of yourself. I cant help but want you to change your screenname to CHANGED4THEBETTERFOREVER – because thats exactly what you are allowing for yourself. Remember one day at a time – I understand how you are feeling – and offer my support whenever you need it. And when you say you are thinking about everything that happened – I encourage you start to think of the BAD things that happened – to be really honest about what you ended up seeing after the mask fell.
changedforever:
Let me second learnedthelesson. I too would be more worried if you were skipping along with your head in the clouds saying everything is okey-dokey.
The constant running of the loop through your mind is part of the process. Some call it ruminating, others obsessing. Whatever you call it, the nonstop thinking about your ex will gradually abate. I’ve been NC for 3 1/2 months now, and I actually realize sometimes an hour will go by and S hasn’t been in my thoughts once.
As for revenge — the fantasies are part of the process. Somewhere on one of these threads we were all sharing out revenge fantasies. Mine? I want to be in criminal court the day he is sent back to prison.
I do suggest you stop cecking his webpage. Doing that will only feed the memories in your head.
I’ve been on edge the last couple weeks and S has been intruding on my thoughts nonstop while I”ve been winding up trying to collect money I lent S. After still not receiving the “return receipt requested” for legal documents I sent him two weeks ago, I ran out to photocopy them and resend them, figuring he will never pick them up at the post office.
When I came home I logged onto the post office site and found that he finally did pick up the documents 2 days ago and the receipt is on its way to me. I still expect him retaliate on some level. On the other hand, now that I know he’s got the documents, I can stop obsessing.
Bottom line? For me the receipt was the trigger. For you the web page. The answer to avoiding the memories? Avoid the triggers.
Changed,
You and I are in the same boat. I do exactly the same thing. Today I’m thinking of all the weird shit he did and how miserable I was with him. It’s a relief to be done with that. I think what bothers me the most is his cruelty. It blows my mind that anyone could be that way to another person.
Dear Changed and Sabinne,
All the thoughts that Changed expressed are NORMAL. You don’t want them to go on forever, and they won’t but rightnow you are both in the “grief” process part of all of this, and bouncing from one stage to the next, from sadness to anger, to revenge,to disblief and denial and back again like a kid’s ball, but BUT the highs and the lows will start to level out after a while, I promise you.
Come here and I suggest that you start in the archives and read ALL the articles, but not the blogs beneath them, as well as read and blog on the current articles. That should I would think get up “up to speed” in knowledge as quickly as possible. It isn’t going to be a short course in healing but I think it will be one of the best in the world! Glad you are here!
Ox,
I read almost everything. It makes it easier and harder all at once. Easier because I know it’s not me that caused this. Worse because there is nothing I can do about it. I have no choice but to feel this way until I don’t anymore.
It would have been so much easier if I didn’t have to see him again. It would have been easier if he had simply let me go. I know, he won’t do that and I’m not really free from him. It’s hell. My only consolation is that I won’t have YEARS of hell to face. I just have to get through this.