Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Ox Drover
Dear Sabinne,
Yes, it would help if you didn’t have to see him, and he may not let up after this, but you CAN FREE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY no matter what he does! YOU CAN TAKE BACK THE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR EMOTIONS!
I won’t lie to you and tell you it is easy, cause it isn’t. It is the hardest thing I have ever done! My egg donor lives on the same farm I do and I try to avoid her but I ran into her in a store a while back, I didn’t go to the graveside service or the wake for my cousin today because she MIGHT HAVE BEEN at one or both places and I didn’t want to take a CHANCE she might be ther eand I would see her face. I thought a bout tryiing to go to the wake (thinking she would be at the grave and maybe not go to the wake)–I finally decided just to NOT TAKE A CHANCE.
My P-son is in prison so I just don’t write or visit him, but even though he was in prison for nearly 20 years, he was emotionally part of my life, almost like he lived here with me, he was PART of my thinking, and I had HOPES and ASPIRATIONS for him, but NO longer. He (my P-son) is “dead and buried” now. GONE emotionally from my head and heart. Ifinally got to EMOTIONAL no contact. (different from physical no contact) I pretty much have physical NC with my egg donor but I realize I still have some anger at her, she still has some power over my emotions, so I do my best to maintain physical NC til I can get to the emotional NC that is what I am working toward. It takes TIME and WORK BOTH! Time alone won’t do it.
You are still in such an early stage of your healing, be PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. Learning patience was/is difficult for me and I am still working on it. Hang in there! It does get better, I promise! (((hugs)))))
Rune
I’m thinking about how we naturally reach out to each other, to offer comfort and encouragement.
I wonder if they just as naturally reach out to confuse, and tease, and hurt and destroy. It’s just “what” they are. That sort of action satisfies something inside of them that we can never really understand — because the first thing we try to do is reach out to them, to comfort, encourage . . .
You see how we are caught?
keeping_faith
Rune,
That is a very good question. It would seem that based on Steve’s Borderland article….. if a N, they may reach out to people to “appear” empathetic and gain some attention and adulation for appearing so kind . Later they realize that they are not getting what they originally thought they had or idealized and the perfect image is gone so they start the d&d.
If an S, they may jsut set out to hurt and destroy as long as there is some personal gain, even if that gain is the pleasure of duping someone. But they may not necessarily give a crap about what people think. AND yes, they rely on our goodness regardless of what they may gain. And they despise that NEED they have for people like us. They also envy what wwe have to offer because they will never have it.
Rune
KeepingFaith: I think you give them a little too much credit, assuming that they either despise their need for us, or envy what we have to offer. I don’t even think, any more, that their anger is authentic. I think they are addicted to the power feeling of rage, and they enjoy the chemical rush. It’s all sad for us; but not for them — because they don’t know how to feel the emotion “sad.”
keeping_faith
Rune, You may be right. Who knows? The fact that we all try to figure it out is a good thing yet it’s such a waste of time because they are so fu*&^% up, does it even matter? In the end regardless of what they are, you are right. it’s about their own impulsive pleasure and to hell with everyone else.
Wini
Keeping_faith: Here’s a good site to read:
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Peace.
keeping_faith
Wini, I think you have sent that to me previously but this was a good refresher. It’s OK to be a l ittle cynical about people’s motives. it’s OK to be leery. It’s OK to take sometimes, when you give too. It’s OK to also focus on yourself when you are in need AND to ask for help from those who care.
Takers just take.
neveragain
Hi all,
Alll of the above posts have helped me so much, thank you.
The book “Women Who Love too Much” says the same thing about the chemistry…run. One thing that threw me off, is I did have a successful experience with following chemistry….but it was with a healthy person who was not manipulating me, and even though I felt the chemistry, it was not like I couldn’t resist it, and I did in fact keep evaluating the relationship objectively.
With the N/P, I had the feeling, as someone mentioned above that I could NOT resist, even if I wanted to! And that if I could resist I would have! The “Women Who Love ” book says that you will never feel the HUGE connection you feel with someone who repeats your childhood trauma, as you do with a mentally healthy person. Hope I’ve phrased that right, Kathleen put it much more eloquently. And made me feel much better about why I gave in to that. Helped me see some positives. Thank you!
And Kathleen, I had those same two voices in my head. One did keep track of the hurts….I see it in the emails I wrote at the time….but then I always back tracked and ended up apologizing and taking the blame.
And a therapist identified for me that the N/P represented FUN in my life, which I did not have enough of either! At all! I’m in danger of falling back into that because I bring such passion to my work, but I’m going to take a day off this weekend. I was desperate too…for fun, for someone being in control, someone else being responsible so I could be irresponsible for once, etc. Now I’m finding healthy ways to get those needs met.
As far as the sex, it SUCKED from day one. The only time it was not totally about me meeting HIS needs was early on when I was ready to walk out one night….and then he just replayed a movie scene with me. And as soon as he knew what I liked, he never did it again. And I never did have an orgasm with him. Even when he did minimally pay attention to me, it was to prove how great HE is, and I was to moan and groan appropriately. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I was so blind in my need for him that it didn’t even hit me, except a couple of times, how lopsided and sick and unsatisfying the sex was. Because I was just focused on pleasing him.
So the hook was he represented what I was missing in my life, and then there was that chance to recreate my childhood issues. I think I’m finally healing from all that….at least I totally recognize all the patterns. Unfortunately they can still be compelling at times….I’m so prone to feeling guilty, to doing things for people I don’t really want to do, for over committing, for excusing others for making unreasonable demands on me….so more healing to do.
But at least the healing is about me now, instead of about getting over him.
Sabinne
How long do you think it will be before we’re able to trust our own judgement when it comes to relationships? Today, I met a man and it was like sparks flew off us. I know he felt it too, but we were trying hard to play it cool. It was exciting, but scary.
I don’t trust anything or anyone now. I didn’t even give him my number, just an email. So, what do you all think? I think I won’t turn him down and I’ll try to take it at a glacial pace. The only problem is the fact that I want to get him naked as soon as I look at him.
Ox Drover
DEar Sabinne,
“How LONG?” Time is relative. An hour feels like a million years when yo are in labor with a child, when you are happy it seems like an instant.
I would (for what it is worth) NOT get involved with ANYONE right now, and especially someone who is a real “turn on” as that is or can be a RED FLAG. I got involved with my P XBF while I was grieving and needy over the loss of my husband in an accident. I wouldn’t have taken one bit of crap off him if I had not been so needy, but I WAS, I”m not so needy now, I’m happy alone, not feeling a “need” to be with a man, sure it would be NICE but it is like when you are hungry and go to the grocery store you spend more, andmaybe unwisely, but if your belly is full, you can “take it or leave it”—I would say WAIT for now.
Trusting yourself (and I think that is a big part of what we lost) WILL come again! (((hugs))))