Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Ox,
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking that it wasn’t real and that I should be afraid. I don’t really feel needy or lonely. I feel really sad because of how badly S treated me and his inhumanity. I feel awful about what he’s done to me, but I don’t feel alone in that sense that I need a man in my life. So, I don’t think it’s the need to replace him that drives me. I wonder if it’s something more sinister and worrisome–an attraction to the wrong kind of man.
I’m in college and I work in a bookstore, so I come across tons of men each day. I’ve never wanted to rip the clothes off any of them, but I literally blushed to the roots of my hair when I met this guy today. I felt the same way the day I met my S. I could not keep my hands off him from the second we touched. That’s what’s scary to me.
You know, the more I think about this, the madder I get. I’m mad because I can’t be attracted to someone and not wonder if he’s a freak of nature too. I AM SO PISSED. I hope he rots in hell for making me like this.
Ahh, but now that you have the awareness that these creeps are out there, and are armed with laser eyes for red flags – you can protect yourself as soon as the red flags start waving and say Goodbye.
You can be attracted to someone all you want. And as soon as you wrap your head around this recent experience and why/how you were drawn to a S- you’ll be able to choose and attract the kind of guy you are looking for.
There must have been red flags..
Dear Sabinne,
I think I understand what you mean, and sometimes we DO get “bonded” to the kind of excitement these men create and it makes it difficult to be attracted to an “ordinary nice guy.”
My husband was such a remarkable and bright guy, so knowledgable about so many fields, such a wit, etc. and I find it difficult to be attracted to guys of less “stature” or intelligence or knowledge etc.
I met a guy last year (just as friends) that I was pretty attracted to, we spent a lot of time to gether as friends and I thought, you know, this might be a good thing….but as I got to know him better after about 6 months, I realized he had some SERIOUS intermittent anger issues. After the third outburst out of the blue and the FIRST episode of name calling I called it quits and walked out while he raged on…didn’t say a word, just left. Haven’t spoken to him since.
I thought I knew this guy pretty well as a friend and I was beginning to trust his moral compass and see a lot of good things in him. He wasn’t a P by any means, but he was NOT someone I could have dealt with. He had previously been married to a P or BPD and he had lots of unresolved and unfixed anger issues left over from that relationship that was 20 yrs long. I could SEE what was going on (at that point) but I wasn’t up to “fixing” his problems. In the past I would have tried to “fix” him—NOT NOW. We had a LOT in common and without that ONE problem we could have made a good match, but it only takes ONE “deal breaker” to make me BEAT A PATH on the LEATHER PERSONNEL MOVERS (SHOES).
Thanks guys. I hope that I can help others the way that you all have helped me. We’ll see how I feel in six months. Yes, I should be better by summer.
You know I remember when I finally called it quits with the sociopath. I was not just angry. I was really really disappointed. I knew he had some drama and some issues in his life. I’m not too big into drama, but I felt he was so special that I could stretch a little to accommodate him and what he was going through. I didn’t mind the head injury. I was even okay with the fact that technically he was still married. All of these things seemed like minor details for a guy who seemed like he could be the love of my life. I was willing to be patient with all his issues. But when I found out that the “issues” involved pathological lying, my heart sank. The disappointment, I think, was even worse than the anger. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. There was no head injury (he lied), no medical discharge, and no divorce. I kept going back and forth between rage and pity. Even when I saw him post a few weeks ago on the reptile site about all of his new snakes, I didn’t know whether to feel rage or pity because they weren’t even his own snakes–he was lying. There are some minor issues that are workable. But broken promises, no shows, and constant lies are WAY beyond the realm of what I can deal with. It’s so sad. The man he pretended to be was so special to me. I honestly doubt I will ever feel like that about another man.
Yep. Best I ever had, with a guy who didn’t even admit it was sex. Fun, huh? To be so dumb as to have sex with a guy who wasn’t even “there.”
And his church put him up to it. It said, do this, do that, don’t do that, and you’re using attraction to do the work of the Lord. Sick. I’ll even name these assholes: Church of the Redeemer, Presbyterian Church in the U.S.A. (not the mainstream denomination). They talked about my sex life over dinner on Thursdays. And sent out a person with a split personality to do the work.
Sociopathy by committee.
Katleen Hawk, you said:
“As the same time, I want to mention that there was some kind of link between love, sex and fear with him. The fear could get twisted into a kind of exhilaration, like skiing too fast down a slope beyond my skill level. But this combination was, for me, part of the powerful addictive connection.
I’m sure that all of this is related to the brain chemicals of Stockholm Syndrome, and I hope that someday researchers look more deeply into this. I hate it that my sexuality could be used against me in this way. I remember when it was going on, I used to wish there was a pill I could take to shut it all off….”
and I can soooo relate to that feeling! I stayed stoned on pot the last two years I was married to my S, because I just wanted to be numb and not feel the pain that this relationship brought into my life nor allow him to get his desired reaction out of me. And no, I am not a pot-head…pretty much quit soon after we split up! The drama and intensity of the drama was too much for me and I was damned if I was going to become addicted to anti-depressants….I took care of myself “naturally”. I smoked when I was in school, but hadn’t smoked any in over 25 years!
Before I thought everything out, began healing and found this site, I was worried my brain pattern was permanently altered because of my ex-S, but since my step-dad was an N, I was already hardwired to accept the sort of treatment my ex dished out. I thank G-d I recognized this, and now having the best, sweetest boyfriend I could ever hope for, I have to sometimes remind myself when things go along so well, and I am “bored”, it is my brain reacting from “lack of drama”. I have had to learn how to “turn-off” my autopilot and not go with my gut reaction at times, because what I went through with my ex-S really screwed up my emotions and my head.
Fortunately, (and I teach this to others in classes) anything we do for 30 days will become a habit. When we understand what is happening in our brains, accept that it is happening for a bio-reason, and force ourselves to at least react differently (if it is safe to do so) it allows us to think differently. If we can be on guard and force ourselves to think things through differently and react differently, it will become our habit. I know we can re-train our brains response over time by very careful conditioning. It has certainly taken longer than 30 days, but after a couple of years it is much easier now to control my thoughts/emotions when I am triggered.
Interestingly, my ex-S was at first “christian”, then said he was an athiest. Now he’s married to a mormon. Wonder how he snared her? Duh, however he had to! I’m sure!
egirl, you wrote:
“I have to sometimes remind myself when things go along so well, and I am “bored”, it is my brain reacting from “lack of drama”. I have had to learn how to “turn-off” my autopilot and not go with my gut reaction at times,”
This is really interesting. Impressive that you have sorted all this out. Did you do it on your own? Or if you had therapy, was it a specific kind? Or were there any books that contributed to your thinking?
Forgive the grilling, but I’m really interested in the area of rewiring our neural pathways. Like you, I’m convinced that trauma or abuse create particular pathways in my emotional processing (which stimulated certain areas of intellectual focus). I was alerted to this by reading I did on research on Borderline Personality Disorder people. For some reason, there is better neuro-psychiatric research on them than anyone else that I’ve found.
And then looking into the brain chemistry of Stockholm Syndrome, I found somewhat similar material (though they were looking at brain chemicals, rather than electrical pathways). So one of the things I visualized in my own work was the well-worn ruts of my own failed coping mechanisms and the possibility of redeveloping my neural circuitry. The only thing I could think to do was to try to rediscover the original, pre-trauma emotional landscape and redevelop from there. So I just kept identifying and clearing trauma through reparenting exercises, knowing that it would take time (and it did) to “grow up” the thread of abandoned development.
But you’re taking a different tack. Choosing a new adult habit and retraining yourself. More like what I call trickle-down therapy, or acting “as if” until it penetrates the emotional system. Although maybe not exactly. If you have any thoughts on this, I’d be really interested.
Historically, I’m not good at trickle down, because I can’t hold a motivation. I’m much better at what I call excavation, digging down, using feelings as guides into the original causes. It’s time-consuming, because the brain doesn’t want to give up information about things I’ve previously classified as too dangerous or sad or unpleasant to think about. So I have to ask and wait, and sometimes feel like I’m negotiating with gatekeepers (“yes, I really want to know”) until it eventually gives up what it thinks I can handle. And that process keeps repeating until I get to the real core of the matter, the trauma that set off the whole structure of coping and blockage and denial, so I can reparent it.
Then I have to wait until the intellectual work of reparenting works its way down through the emotional system and I really grok it. Then I have to wait until that unblocked thread develops through the ages. Fortunately, it developed through a mind with a lot of experience (compared to when it got blocked) so the progress is much faster than physically growing up. And it’s interesting as hell to watch some facet of your personality moving through the years of your life for the first time.
But I think this type of work is what made my recovery take so long. It was the better part of four years. At the same time, it was really solid work. You can see in my writing what a great job of integration I did. It’s not that I don’t have some strings to tie up, but the major work is done. I’m in my own shoes for the first time in my life. I have a clear connection to my spiritual center. And I’m capable of connection and compassion in ways I never experienced before, because all the big needy noise in my head has been resolved.
But, if you’ve got a faster way of doing this. Or if you’ve got more information about reprogramming neural pathways, I would be really grateful to know about it. I’m trying to teach a path of healing, but I also know that I can’t expect everyone else to do this kind of deep excavation, especially not on their own. I believe and have always believed that there have to be easier ways to do it. Well, maybe not easier, but more efficient.
As I write this, I think I might be being disrespectful to the wisdom of my brain. It knew what I could handle, and it paced my healing. But I also know the power of visualization. I healed on the best way I could visualize my healing, and it worked for me. But maybe there are better ways of visualizing it.
If I didn’t thank you for your post, I am tremendously grateful that you wrote. If you want to get in touch with me to talk more about this, my e-mail address is in the author’s section. You’re welcome to write.
Kathy
Kathy,
I am just jumping in here and haven’t read the whole thread but have you read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? It is meant to help people with BPD. I don’t want to talk about it much here because it is really not meant for people like us to use to “help” our partners. The trainer of the class said that most of her patients have been sent by court. They don’t really believe there is anything wrong.
Anyway, look into DBT if you haven’t already.
E