May, 2008 I brought to your attention the tragic case of Dr. Amy Castillo, a pediatrician who lost her court fight to protect her children from their psychopathic father. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that another two children have been lost and another mother named Amy is left asking how we let her down. Yes I said we let her down. The judge who allowed the children’s father, Michael Connolly to have unsupervised visitation was representing all of us.
We have to put our heads together and figure out how to change the system. Children need and deserve protection from sociopaths. Mothers and fathers like Amy made a mistake in marriage and love, that shouldn’t mean the children conceived should pay the ultimate price!
According to the Chicago Tribune Connolly, like Dr. Castillo’s ex-husband told people he would kill the children. “In court documents dating back to 2005, she (Amy) detailed her estranged husband’s threats against her family and fought unsuccessfully to keep him from having unsupervised visits with their two sons. Michael Connolly violated the orders of protection against him six times, police records said, and he often vowed to kill himself rather than be separated from the boys.”
Now I often tell people not to believe sociopaths. Here is the official Lovefraud exception to that rule: If a sociopath says he/she is going to kill someone, believe him/her.
I ask that everyone reading this blog write their lawmakers and submit editorials to newspapers about the need to protect children. Not just physically but emotionally too. I also welcome your ideas about what we as a community should do.
One other thing, let’s get the word out that family members have to stop covering for sociopaths and enabling them. Don’t let pity cloud judgment, and stand in the way of safety. The Tribune quotes Connolly’s aunt as saying, “I feel sorry for Michael”¦I know that sounds terrible, but he must have been so tormented.”
(Thank you to Rune, who brought this story to my attention)
OxDrover:
So true the allowances that I make for others that I won’t make for myself. I can say for certain one thing — I am finally starting to set boundaries.
Today I thought back to my encounter with Mr Saturday Night on the street, yesterday. When he saw me his first question was “What are you doing around here?” I said “I live around the corner on X Street and Y Avenue.” I remember thinking “Didn’t you pay attention to anything I said on our last date? I told you that.”
It hit me today — this person is so self-absorbed he doesn’t have any room in his life for me. And if that is the case, why should I make room in my life for him? I will never again get involved with someone who is totally self-involved. I had it with my parents growing up, and in countless relationships which culminated with S. Why would I ever want to go through being treated like that again? And the answer is, I don’t.
Hi Matt: Just a teensy observation. You mentioned that Mr. SatNight was dealing with some business problems. That doesn’t excuse chronic bad behavior, but it can be a factor. People aren’t always “themselves.”
We have a lot going on in our society right now that is unprecedented. We may need to cut each other a little bit of slack because of unusual circumstances. (My own personal situation presently is in such disrepair that I don’t feel much like my usual self. If I appear to be slighting someone else, I hope they can see my situation and grant me some grace.)
But, you probably don’t need to choose to start out a close relationship with someone who is dealing with a high distress factor right now.
Rune:
I agree. I can understand being in a bad place due to business reversals. Hell, I”m going through my own personal problems after I lost my job. I think what rankles me is the fact that I gave him over a week to confirm or reschedule the date. Instead he sat on his hands until the last minute and then flaked. That lack of consideration is a red flag for me.
Matt: Of course! A date is a significant little moment of time. His lack of response sends a clear signal that — whatever is going on right now — you are not the kind of priority for him that you ought to be if this is even going to turn into a good friendship. Maybe you can consider that he is saving you time by being so clear about his self-absorption right up front! Better now than much later, eh?
Rune:
Definitely. If I had only paid attention to the red flag S was waving in my face, I could have saved myself much grief and much dinero. I guess I’m making progress that I more or less recognized the red flag early on this time.
Matt,
You are far too good a person to put up with this type of inconsideration. you deserve a person who treats you with the same kind of respect you give others.
Oxy,
Your last couple posts were a real “Ah-ha” wake up for me. After thinking on it for a bit, I have come to realize that I have always expected way more out of myself than I do others. I have always been a perfectionist-when it had to do with me- but could always make excuses for others who mistreated me. I beat myself up for what I perceive as a failing on a regular basis. I am still trying to figure out what it was in my childhood that made me grow up feeling like I was sub-standard, some how never quite good enough. I have spent a large part of my life seeking approval, so I would be “good enough” for someone to love me. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I turned out like this….
Dear Sstiles,
You know in many ways I had a GREAT childhood….and in others, it was horrible. What I did, apparently, until recently, was to idolize and rationalize the “bad” parts which left me pretty needy and also enabling….I put my own “spin” on some pretty horrible things that happened to make them “acceptable”—that’s what children do in order to survive.
My egg donor was not the “Beast of Budapest” and she didn’t lock me in the the closet and routinely beat and starve me, but she didn’t nurture me either. After I realized about her TOXIC enabling (which I had “trivalized” in the past) and how serious this was, I finally started to realize that I had totally “idolized” her to the point that I could literally NOT SEE that she was controlling me, using me, and that she did not value me for me,, and never had. She isn’t a psychopath I don’t think, but she is a TOXIC ENABLER and this makes her in many ways, just as bad, becauuse she enables the Ps in the family to remain in the family, to continue to do their dirty deeds and she covers up for them, and minimizes the consequences if she can. I call this “psychopath-by-proxy” and that is just about what it is.
If she were to accept what she has done for what it really is, she could NOT LIVE WITH HERSELF. It would destroy her self image and her world.
I can no longer live with that deception—either in her, or in myself. Just as my P-son “is what he is” and just as my “egg donor” is “what she is.” I can accept that now, and it was very painful to accept that, but I can’t change either of them. They are set in concrete and etched in stone. I must either continue to grieve over this or to accept it as it is. It isn’t what I would desire, but IT IS WHAT IT IS.
It is only recently that I have felt the acceptence come into my heart and soul and the anger, bitterness, etc against my egg donor leave my mind. It was almost an “instant” sort of thing. It was like I actually “felt” it flow out of my body like some “demon possession” had left. I feel different now, I feel CLEAN, if that makes any sense, I can’t think of a word that really describes how I feel.
I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to BE perfect, and others in my circle don’t have to be perfect either, just HONEST. Just willing to sit down and work out problems in an honest manner, not name call, or be hateful and blame placing and projecting for their own faults.
I recently had a quarrel with a long time friend. He broke his word to me in a small “deal” we had, but HE sees it as “changing the deal” not breaking it. When I confronted him about this, he became enraged, called me names, shouted at me, and projected all kinds of things on to me, rather than accept the truth of the matter in that HE broke his word. It wasn’t a “big deal” or financially devestating (the total was about $100 bucks that I was out because of him breaking his word). The thing that hurt the worst was that when I tried to confront him about it, to clarify it and to save the friendship that we had had (I thought) since college days, he acted totally hateful. Part of it I think (and this is not an “acceptable excuse) is his male chauvanism, and it is difficult for him to admit to a woman that he was wrong. This man has been married to two P women who worked him over pretty well for a period of 30+ years total between the two of them. Again, this does not “excuse” how he treated me. I really was hoping to salvage the relationship, and have him acknowledge he had broken his word, apologize for doing so, show remorse for doing so, and never again break his word to me. For whatever emotional reasons he was unable to do this, so because I set a boundary that meant he had to 100% keep his word to me, and he was not willing to acknowledge and accept that boundary, our friendship of 25+ years is at an end.
There are lots of things about how this an runs his life that I don’t “approve of” but they are not DIShonest things, just different life styles….but because he will not accept that I am entitled to 100% honesty in my dealings with him, because he can “excuse” not being 100% honest, because he cannot sit down and discuss a problem in an adult manner, but rather ATTACKS (defensively) me, I don’t want to continue the “friendship” which was obviously more important to me than to him. He isn’t a psychopath by any means, but he was unwilling to accept a “fault” in himself. But that is NOT my problem, I won’t make it my problem, and I won’t accept the consequences for HIS PROBLEM.
I was married to a sociopath for 20 years. We have four children together. Even though he has a Level One founded case of child abuse against him, he kneed one of our children in the hip and had to get a pin put in his hip to join his hip back together, he has unlimited visitation with the children. He has also had a very intense relationship with our only daughter, I thought I had cleverly coined the phrase emotional incest until I googled it and found out someone beat me to it.
He was arrested less than 1 percent of what he could or should have been. I have a terrible scar on my left hip from him I will have forever. He manipulates the children, the courts and even the young girl from social services.
Nothing is going to change until the hard fought and won child abuse laws are supported when a battered woman finally gets the help she needs to leave her batterer. A child abuse specialist told me that “the child abuse laws get thrown right out the window through the divorce courts”. I have spend over $20,000 in attorney fees and I am no longer financially able to fight. It is no wonder women stay in abusive relationships until they are dead. The insanity never ends when children are involved.
The laws must be changed and there must be a greater awareness of social services, the judges and the lawyers to look for the signs of a pathological liar with no conscience. I am convinced because of all I have and are still going though no social worker, attorney or judge should ever deal with a case until they have intensive training on abuse and dealing with sociopathic personalities.
Dear Kathy,
Welcome to Love Fraud! I am so sorry that you “qualify” for “memebership” in our “club”—but glad that you have found your way here for some validation and support of your trauma. I am so sorry that your children have also been the brunt of your X’s abuse as well.
You are totally right when the “child abuse laws” are NEGATED through the “family court” system. You are RIGHT in that ALL social workers, cops, judges, and attorneys should have intensive abuse and psychopath training, unfortunately, too many of “them” are also Psychopaths or Narcissists as well, as these professions seem to draw the like magnets due to the “power” aspect of the jobs which the Ps enjoy so much!
I hope you stay around here a while and read a lot of the old, archived articles. There is so much information there that helps us to get a grip on things and to heal ourselves. I know it must be terribly difficult to NOT get some closure and to know that your children continue to suffer as a result of your situation legally. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you read the book by Karin Huffer, m.s., M.F.T, “Overcoming the Devestation of Legal Abuse Syndrome” it seems taylor made for your situation. I just finished reading it myself for the THIRD time. It combines psychological healing and legal problems in a way that applies to us ALL, but especially to those who have ALSO suffered ADDITIONAL abuse at the hands of the “legal system” which is designed to but FAILS to protect us and our children from abuse. Again, welcome to this blog, it IS A WONDERFULLY HEALING PLACE with people who DO GET IT. ((((hugs)())) and God bless you and your children.
Does anyone know of an attorney in CA who would be willing to help with setting up a 501C3 (nonprofit) pro bono. I have a friend who was married to a psychopath many years ago. She now owns several hair salons and is training her stylists to spot signs of domestic abuse in their clientel and provide them with resources. I believe other franchisees are also participating. In any case, she is interested in putting together an educational video on the effects of domestic violence on children and needs to put together a nonprofit to make it viable to raise the resources to produce and distribute it.
It seemed appropriate to post on this thread as the topic seemed to have turned to how to make a difference and save others from what we have been through.
Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated.