May, 2008 I brought to your attention the tragic case of Dr. Amy Castillo, a pediatrician who lost her court fight to protect her children from their psychopathic father. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that another two children have been lost and another mother named Amy is left asking how we let her down. Yes I said we let her down. The judge who allowed the children’s father, Michael Connolly to have unsupervised visitation was representing all of us.
We have to put our heads together and figure out how to change the system. Children need and deserve protection from sociopaths. Mothers and fathers like Amy made a mistake in marriage and love, that shouldn’t mean the children conceived should pay the ultimate price!
According to the Chicago Tribune Connolly, like Dr. Castillo’s ex-husband told people he would kill the children. “In court documents dating back to 2005, she (Amy) detailed her estranged husband’s threats against her family and fought unsuccessfully to keep him from having unsupervised visits with their two sons. Michael Connolly violated the orders of protection against him six times, police records said, and he often vowed to kill himself rather than be separated from the boys.”
Now I often tell people not to believe sociopaths. Here is the official Lovefraud exception to that rule: If a sociopath says he/she is going to kill someone, believe him/her.
I ask that everyone reading this blog write their lawmakers and submit editorials to newspapers about the need to protect children. Not just physically but emotionally too. I also welcome your ideas about what we as a community should do.
One other thing, let’s get the word out that family members have to stop covering for sociopaths and enabling them. Don’t let pity cloud judgment, and stand in the way of safety. The Tribune quotes Connolly’s aunt as saying, “I feel sorry for Michael”¦I know that sounds terrible, but he must have been so tormented.”
(Thank you to Rune, who brought this story to my attention)
Glinda says: “After spending so much time chasing disappearing lines in the sand, there is a sort of peace drawing a line in cement and then guarding that line.”
My friends, define your boundaries and stick to them. Do not let anyone interfere with you if they have not displayed respect for you, your children, and your long-term well-being. They are not for you, they are against you, and they can only do you harm and cause you and your children irrepairable damage.
Glinda:
“After spending so much time chasing disappearing lines in the sand, there is a sort of peace drawing a line in cement and then guarding that line.”
I was discussing this very topic with my therapist this afternoon. I told him that the day I finally decided that the S’s behavior toward me was unacceptable on every front and drew my line in concrete, I had never drawn a line in my life. Hell, I am the first to admit that I’m still trying to figure out boundaries.
Still, I’m getting better. Last Saturday I was stood up for a date. I wanted to blast the guy when he called to blow me off and asked me “why did you return from vacation” and tell him “because I am a person that honors his commitment, that’s why.” But, because the guy is a client of a friend of mine, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and simply let him connect the dots himself.
My therapist asked me what I would do when he called. I told him I had drawn my line in the sand and decided that I deserved better than I had gotten. If he called again I would make my decision then. But, I’ve already decided that the short notice flake off was a definite red flag.
After my therapy session, whom do I run into on the street but Mr Saturday night. My first thought was “this is awkward.” He was perfectly nice, if upset about some very bad business problems. That’s fine, but he’s on probation as far as I”m concerned.
Actually, I forgot a key part of the story. After I told my therapist about my finally learning the importance of boundaries told me “This is very important. I hope you’re paying attention to what you say.”
Nottakingitanymore: I am so sorry to read your story. I don’t know how recently this happened, but I know that this is a deep tragedy for you. You say that bribery and collusion may have been part of this. I hope that the truth may still come out and this situation can be reversed.
Stay strong. I know how this feels. Whatever else is going on, don’t beat yourself up. Be very kind to yourself. This is so difficult.
Hey Matt: Nice to have you back. Some of us were about ready to violate boundaries and put out an APB for you, we missed you so much!
Matt,
QUOTE: “he’s on probabtion as far as I am concerned.”
PROBATION FOR STANDING YOU UP?
To me “probation” means you’ll give him another chance…WHY? What kind of flag does he have to hit you in the face with to say “I don’t respect you enough to call and tell you I can’t see you tonight because of a horrible tragedy” (and the tragedy has to be REAL as well). It shows that he didn’t value the planned meeting with you, therefore he didn’t value you very much. And you want to give this guy another “chance?” DUH??? BOINK!!!! (((HUGS)))))
OxDrover:
Point taken. Knew I was being too good for my own good.
Matt, as “bad” as I “hate” to give an attorney the “benefit of the doubt” (LOL) you ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! ROTFLMAO
That’s why I am going by the ONE RULE—one lie=OUT, one shady behavior=OUT, one dishonest thing=OUT, etc. I’m not expecting perfection in my friends, family and lovers but I am expecting HONESTY, RELIABILITY and consistently good behavior. Doesn’t mean they can’t make “mistakes”—but there is a difference to me in a “mistake” and a “deliberate.”
A mistake is where you bounce a check because you made an addition or subtraction ERROR, but a “deliberate” is where you write a check KNOWING IT IS NO GOOD.
In the two instances, one is a MIS-take and the other was something you DELIBERATELY CHOSE TO DO.
I hear people say about someone, “He made a MISTAKE and went to prison for robbery” NO! NO! NO! He did a DELIBERATE BAD ACT and went to prison for robbery.
Mistake is NOT the same as a deliberate act. Your “date” CHOSE to stand you up without a reasonable reason. Just ‘cuz he wanted to. So NO PROBATION for anyone who deliberately does a “bad act” or an “inconsiderate act” or a “mean act.”
If that makes me sound “harsh” and “unforgiving” then SO BE IT, it is the way I have chosen to run my life now, and I have no regrets about making this deliberate choice in how I will act toward people who dis-respect my person. Either by breaking their word or being unreliable, dishonest, or untrustworthy. NO SECOND CHANCES. NO probation. NO suspended sentences.
OxDrover:
I value reliability as a quality in people. I am very reliable myself. Problem is, I was so conditioned to accept unreliable behavior out of the people in my life, that I came to accept it and not give it a second thought.
After S, I swore I wouldn’t tolerate that again. And all of a sudden, here I go again. I won’t even ask for you skillet, since I’ve already pulled my grandmother’s out of the cabinet and am smacking myself over the head.
I think I need to reread the article on the warning signs of a sociopath. Actually, the more that I think about it, I think we need a separate archive entitled “Reminders” which contains the articles we all truly need to reread monthly, or weekly, or daily, or hourly…
Dear Matt,
LOL ROTFLMAO, Of course I am GUILTY as charged too, I am having to HOURLY remind myself the same thing. (do you ever wonder why my head is flat under my “jack ass” ears? )LOL
That too, is why I keep on coming here to LF, to remind MYSELF, and to keep myself on the healing road and not be led astray by the “Siren Songs” that play in my ears from out of the FOG. It wasn’t learned in a few months or years, and it will take us a LONG time to UN-learn what we have come to accept as “okay.” What we do as a “knee jerk” response. I am so tired TIRED T*I*R*E*D of “forgiving, overlooking, and pretending it didn’t happen” the nasty hateful things some people do to me. How many times does someone have to crap on our heads before we realize that they think we are toilets?
What I also don’t understand is WHY I expect so much MORE OUT OF MYSELF than I ever have out of others? Why do I expect perfection in myself and accept disrespect from others? Why would I never expect you (that’s the “universal you” not you, Matt, specific) to go out of your way to help me, but I would fall over my own feet to run to help you? Do I think so little of myself that I think the only way I can have a “friend” is to be a DOOR MAT?
Even though I am now setting limits, boundaries, etc. at the same time, there is a little bitty part of me somewhere that peeps out every once in a while and tells me I am being “unreasonable” to expect and DEMAND that I be treated descently by those close to me. My RATIONAL MIND is getting it, but I do wonder if down deep somewhere my “little Oxy” child still doesn’t completely get it. In any case, I figure it is up to my “Adult Oxy” to take care of me even if the “little Oxy” inside may not completely agree that what I am doing is best. But you know, when my kids were little, I had to set the rules and they didn’t always agree then either, but I had to be the “parent” and take care of them even if they didn’t like it right then. So I am trying to do the same thing with my “adult mind” to care for my “emotional being”—-even if sometimes she would rather do something a bit more risky. It may be a bit “late” in my life to start to get a handle on this internal child and keep her safe, but whatever it takes, I have got to do it. Stay on the Path, Matt, and boink me over the head too if you see me slide! (((hugs)))))