When sociopaths have problems in their lives, it’s never their own fault. Donna Andersen explains why this is one of the most important Red Flags of Lovefraud.
To watch the entire Lovefraud Lessons series, go the the Lovefraud Videos page.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/kL24yoR2H2M]
skylar,
Interestingly, I can’t remember our spath ever being startled.
bluejay,
I don’t think these spaths were actually startled. I think they are pretending for some reason.
As Shakespeare said, “Me thinkest thou dost protest TOO much.”
Skylar, Hmmmmmm. I can’t say that I’ve noticed that, but, my guess is that if they were pretending to be startled, it was to gain supply, through the pity ploy and shaming and blame shifting…it’s opposites day. They feel great power in startling you. They assume you desire to feel that same kind of power in startling them….but they deprive you of that power by shaming you….projection.
Why they would ACT startled, instead of just depriving you of this (supposed) sense of power by not responding, I don’t know, unless they were a little startled, knew you knew it, felt embarrassed and ashamed at their powerless, and then had to cover it over with over reaction so they could shame and blame you. By so-doing they reclaim their precious power.
I was thinking when I read darwinsmom’s description of The Outrage that it sounded a lot like the Rashomon story. Rashomon is one of my all-time favorite movies. I originally saw it in the theater and have since rented it and eventually bought a copy. I highly recommend it.
As far as the startling a spath, I never had that experience with my ex-spath. My ex-spath is large and loud and was frequently wearing a bright red jacket. I agree with Kim that Skylar’s story sounds like power-shifting and blame-shifting and generally getting the “victim” off balance. My ex-spath did use that tactic quite a bit. Over the time we were together, I stopped wanting to go out in public with him because I never knew how he was going to behave or misbehave and that created a feeling of confusion for me. I was so busy trying to steady the ship, as it were, that I didn’t have time to notice that he was the one who was constantly trying to tip it over.
skylar: I know exactly what you are talking about.
The ‘over reaction’. In the case of my ppath, it was sadness and upset and bewilderment and crocodile tears…all drama and chaos and 24/7 pity party and blame shifting for every rotten thing “IT” ever perpetrated. It is disgusting.
Especially NOW after looking back and being absolutely and completely STUNNED that “I” (of all people) could have fallen for something like that.
I do know one thing: they like leaving deep, gaping wounds in the good persons heart and mind. To them and their sick perception of ‘power’, that is ultimate power, when they can reach down inside your head and get the responses they laugh over. They try to make you feel sorry for them so they can suck your soul out through your nostrils.
NO OTHER REASON.
We have to stand up and take back what they took from us.
And the best way to do that is absolutely no contact; no feeling sorry; complete banishment. For eternity. It is the only justification I truly have. I suppose I could have continued to ‘play into the game’ of death threat and gleeful emotional response it got him from time to time. That’s good. I hope he enjoyed himself because it’s over.
I meant every word I said at ‘good bye’ and I still do.
That makes me stronger. I win.
End of discussion. Right? Time to move forward.
The only power they have is the power we allow them to have.
I have found most people are quite, naturally and inherently,
selfish beings. They will take from another as much as you
ALLOW them to. Boundaries. Sometimes we have to rip out
our hearts, from our chest and just rest assured IT IS FOR THE
BEST. Life goes on, on the other side of the darkness.
I am going to MAKE it go on for as long as I can.
Without the memory of this ugly monster who leeched itself
to my life and my world. I so despise “IT” now. More than ever.
For the first time in all these years, I am finding myself beating off
the rage and hatred. The farther away I seem to get from all this,
the more it pisses me off but, I have to be careful with that ‘pissed off’
attitude, lest it cause me another heart attack so the best thing I can
do now is write it off. I WON. Period.
Thanks you guys for your support.
It is difficult being alone in this crock pot…
Dupey
Added edit: it’s interesting to note that when the crocodile tears didn’t work, that’s when the next
stage set in: the violence, anger and shouting.
Never worked well with me considering I have
always lived alone and I don’t find hitting acceptable.
ESPECIALLY NOT IN MY OWN HOME.
No thanks: hasta` la` vista` suckah~~~!!!!!
Sky and sparklehorse,
Yup that’s what I read about it at wikipedia too. I have digital tv now, and it includes one month of all possible channels for free (including the extra channels you can only get via an extra monthly sum)… two of those channels are pure movie channels (TCM and MGM), playing old movies 24/7. Have seen quite a few old movies the past few weeks… lots of those I’ve never even seen.
Nothing against modern movies, but some of those older movies are gems (like The Outrage) , and some are classics nobody ever airs anymore (saw Hair last week and Towering Inferno… the last time I saw those is close to two decades ago!). Just watched “The Fixer” tonight.
Kim and Dupey,
yes, I guess this is just a variation of the over-the-top emotional outburst with the intent to accuse and shame. Nothing new — it’s just one more of the many disguises they put on.
It’s an interesting variation though because when I studied shame, I read that Sylvan Tompkins, the developer of Affect Theory, described shame as a sudden interruption of pleasure, a feeling of knocking the wind out of your sails or having the rug pulled out from under you. There is an element of surprise involved in shame: expecting a pleasant thing and the opposite.
The accusation is also part of the 180 rule, they accuse us of what they are guilty of. It’s an attempt to trade places with us.
The other thing I notice is that the second spath is the dominating kind. Not dominating as in overpowering, but through manipulation and shame. Now that I can see through it and know the 180 rule, I can see that it was HIS OWN SHAME that was causing him to act that way. He’s desperate to try to slime others with it.
It slimes me just to know that. ick.
skylar,
The spath never deliberately startled us, nor did he startle easily (not being able to recall such an instance). He generally is a quiet type, definitely a charmer, lying to your face and doing things behind your back (eg. stealing money from your joint bank account, jewelry from your house, etc.) – he did these things when we were still together, causing a lot of grief. After you discover his actions and confront him, he usually has an explanation (a lie) or he stays quiet, not providing an answer. He doesn’t make the effort to deliberately startle someone – I guess that’s not his thing.
I think every ppath/spath has the same traits but just different tactics and their deployments of these things are as different as all of us are.
I said to my x ppath, once: “You don’t even remember half the things you say anymore, do you?” I told him he might want to be careful running his big mouth and spewing his venom unless he wanted to end up in trouble. I told him, on more than one occasion, I would be more than happy to make that nightmare of his a reality, if he didn’t get away from me and I absolutely meant it then and I still do mean it.
MINE used to emotionally startle me, all the time.
The ‘boo’ kind of scare never has scared me.
Guess that’s why I like scary movies; hm?
He used to emotionally push me off a cliff and often.
In a mean, cold, cruel, laughing and smiling way.
He used to ‘startle’ me emotionally all the time.
He even derived IMMENSE PLEASURE out of trying to incite a second heart attack after I had just lived through the first, while HE was out doing his INTERNET WHORE THING.
Then he would LAUGH at the reaction it got from me. When I finally started to figure it out, that he was doing that to me, intentionally, and on purpose, suddenly, I had so much greater freedom to NOT tolerate anymore of that crap. If I can’t trust someone around me, then they don’t need to be around me. Period. No debate.
Charmers: yes, bluejay, they sure can be that.
Their charm is like drinking a bottle of poison.
Slimes ME right to the core, skylar.
Seriously. THEIR OWN SHAME??? I don’t think they have any.
Just like no morals; no values; no honor or integrity. They don’t
have all those either. That is all “CHINESE LANGUAGE” to them.
They are AMOEBAS!
Single cell organisms.
Sorry for the rant.
Dupey
sky. BOO~!