When sociopaths have problems in their lives, it’s never their own fault. Donna Andersen explains why this is one of the most important Red Flags of Lovefraud.
To watch the entire Lovefraud Lessons series, go the the Lovefraud Videos page.
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Thing is, there is little reason for him to be territorial:
a) he’s a fixed teacher with a contract for life, unless he gets 3 very bad reports against him. He has priority in getting math hours.
b) I have an advanced temp contract (that is: it’s a temp contract but a prolonged one, and I have priority over other non advanced temps for giving IT classes and that subject alone, but no priority on math, and certainly no priority over a fixed teacher)
c) I have a master, he has a professional bachelor… that makes him a prioritized teacher for kids for the first three HS years from 12 to 15, while I’m a teacher for teens from 15 til 18, 2 of those 4 years he’s not even allowed to teach and another he cannot get a fixed contract anyway.
So, I cannot ‘steal’ his job, NOR can he teach most classes that I’m teaching.
The fact that he acts territorial while I’m not literally in his territory and even if I was if I was replacing him while he’d be on sick leave I could never take it from him in any legal way, is a red flag to me. For me solely spathic people would become territorial over a turf that isn’t their territory to lose nor to gain to begin with.
Anyway, the first time I could think of it as a guy being upset with his course having gone lost and me being the obvious character to turn to. But a second time around on a calculator I’ve never even seen lying around as he claims and the act with the principal for audiance tonight definitely fits the ‘when people show you who they are, believe them.’ And I’m ready to expect the worst of this colleague now, including setting up traps. And I’m not gonna wait around for it to happen, nor am I gonna fight him. I have however the perfect right to have a dialogue with the principal when a colleague treats me completely disrespectful. It’s bordering to harrassment for me. If I don’t make a stand for myself now, then that guy will get worse.
ok how many reports has he had?sencond ya gotta step back and look at this if its not u…why would a person act in this manner? go with your instincts..is this normal behavior? NO…yea well spaths want it all dont they…and spaths want it all whether its theirs or not.. I would deff. record all his spath encounters he gives u crap. or makes you feel threatened in anyway…control control freak….
the map thing is just a flag there.outbursts.. hummmmm.. calculator….think..thinkk.flag flag.. just a thought..what was your first instinct when these events happened..
My instincts told me he
a) wanted to intimidate me
b) wants to make me look bad with the principal
I think he’s looking for a scapegoat as well as trying to prevent me from coming on his territory.
It is possible he fears for his career. The principal isn’t fond of teachers on sick leave. Even when she knows they’re recovering from a surgery she’ll have a work doctor check up on sick people.
Her comment about his excessive course points that to her, no matter if you’re fixed, have seniority, or not, she’ll be critical and might look for ways to replace you. I’ve seen her try to press people into such a situation. I know hardly anybody feels safe about their job or future conditions of their job with her. She’s not dirty of giving people shitty subject tasks or class combinations.
She also tends to use the divide tactic; which is why I did not commit to her question about his course.
So he feels insecure about his job, especially since his accident (he fell of the stairs on the first day of the sky trip and had a doubly broken shoulder). But he also knows she likes to create competition, and since spathic people assume others will operate like them probably thinks I am actually competing with him and trying to gain her favour, so he’s trying to ‘counter’ that.
Except I’m not attemptng to gain any favours at his cost or his career.
He also knows I used to be in a vulnerable and weaker position with her, and probably attempts to get me back there. She stands on punctuality and form aside from content. I’m a content person and somewhat chaotic. He’s all form (hence his neat organized classroom, in maps with plastics and all neatly written out solutions). However, I did find that the organization of the content wasn’t always optimal… I schematize content more thoroughly than him, to make it more visual for pupils. And I try to push pupils into exerimenting and discover methods on their own to then schematize their discoveries. So he first tried to attack me on my ‘weakness’. Difference is: it’s not because I’m not a neat-freak and not the administrative genius, that I’m careless with stuff. She knows this, because I keep my IT class with 14 computers in order and do not tolerate the pupils messing with it. So, he now tries to make it look even worse.
The reason I intend to show her what my calculators are including the receipt of the buy is to make sure that if he ever tries to set me up for owning a calculator just like the one he described today it will backfire. She herself would then have already seen verification of my rightful ownership. It will then take the wind out of his sails, because I would not feel any need to defend myself against allegations anymore.
good luck… hugs…
darwinsmom,
your instincts are right on.
I doubt he is a “spath” but he is disordered: envious and shameful. I also think he’s trying to create drama.
I think your plan to show the principal your receipts, is good.
The only thing I would add is to continue to be unemotional.
You did great when you refused to criticize him for his math agenda. You refused to become his rival. Spaths are all about rivalry, so that was perfect.
Bravo!
Sky, I don’t consider him a full blown spath either… but I’ve seen enough intentional toxic behaviour to leave the door open of expecting the worst of him. Experiencing big WTF moments thrice in a row, basically left feeling trampled upon and dirty, in a matter of 2 weeks is a bit too much for me.
As for his calculator, if it did dissapear either not or on my watch I’m very sorry for him. But quite frankly, I never let my calculators lie around on a desk, not even if it’s immediately out of sight. They go straight from the schoolbag back into it, homewardbound. Just like I’ll never leave a laptop unattended or safe behind a lock.
Anyway, not until I’ve been able to show the principal a receipt of my newest calculator, will I bring it to school. The antique HP works fine, and I’ll use that instead.
Pfffft, what a way to work.
3 years ago tomorrow st.nightmare killed off her fake character. I was up for 17 hours, listening to the reports roll in or his deteriorating condition. hooked, absolutely hooked. sigh.
but, it was 3 years ago, and i am still standing, in no small part due to the love and care of the people here. and she is still a spath. so, if spaths are about competition, in her world view, i SO win.
Onejoy…..hugs to you and, yes – you are still standing and you WIN!
Darwinsmom, I have a very good friend who has tenure at a place of higher education. The “Dean” of her departemtent behaves the same way. My friend has tenure, which protects her position, but other non-tenured professors are terrified of this “Dean” who literally charmed his way into the position without any real administrative experience, at all. He is thoroughly toxic and really abuses adjuncts and staff that don’t have “security” by way of tenure. He yells at staff and adjuncts, has actual temper tantrums, and makes numerous veiled threats that these people will lose their jobs if they displease him. He’s a frigging TYRANT and should never have been hired as a “Dean.”
I wish that I had something helpful to say, but it may just be a good idea to begin documentation of his behaviors and accusations. Jeeepers, Darwinsmom…..I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with such an jerk!!!
Brightest blessings
The inability or unwillingness to accept personal responsibility for one’s own words and behaviors, and instead blame other people and uncontrollable outside events for all of one’s problems, is a diagnostic trait of personality disorder in general. Its not just a trait of psychopathy/sociopathy/antisocial pd, its common to all the Cluster B personality disorders and the other pd clusters as well (I think, if I’m remembering what I’ve read correctly.) Things that go wrong are always someone else’s fault, and the personality-disordered individual is never to blame; he or she takes the position of the perpetual innocent victim. Its just maddening. This inability to accept personal responsibility for any wrong is one of the reasons that personality disorder is considered unresponsive to treatment. The other reason is that those with pds tend to not be distressed by their own thoughts, feelings or behaviors. They’re just fine with themselves the way they are and see no need or reason to seek treatment because from their point of view, there’s nothing wrong with them. (Its everyone else who needs treatment, in fact.)