When sociopaths have problems in their lives, it’s never their own fault. Donna Andersen explains why this is one of the most important Red Flags of Lovefraud.
To watch the entire Lovefraud Lessons series, go the the Lovefraud Videos page.
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shane, I don’t totally trust the principal… I don’t like her tactics and she is shockingly blunt. However, I don’t consider her to be a spath. A) she’s not interested in popularity B) she can be brutally blunt… but she’s fair and honest (if she doesn’t like your work, she’ll let you know, if you do well, she’ll admit to that too) and everyone is equal, and when she makes a promise, she keeps it. C) She’s opinianated and it’s rough when she has an ill opinion, and that opinion can be guided by appearance, however she does leave the door open to surprise her. 2 years ago I expected her to go for the kill when she came to inspect a lesson of mine. She had some comments but expressed surprise about the content of the lesson, admitting she hadn’t known you could do such a thing with “word” as I had the pupils do (while she used to teach IT herself at another school before she became a principal at outs). Spaths would NEVER admit to such a thing. D) she does have the best interest of the school at heart, rather than herself.
I don’t particularly like her, but I don’t think she’s a bad person. So no, I don’t think this is her doing at all. Actually this morning she told me she’d split the highest math class I have (two last schoolyears are now in one grade class, 23 pupils) in two groups, and I’ll be getting 2 more math hours. She could have gotten rid of me for good or only give me the min I have a right to: 2 hours. However, I do think she does make note of such things happening and is curious what the outcome will be.
I also went by her office to make an appointment with her, which I’ll have on Friday. And in the way she answered I think she knows what the subject will be, without me having mentioned it so far.
The meeting with her is imo of strategic necessity. First of all, I want my direct superior, and she’s the sole one, to know the facts about the calculators I own. If this colleague of mine is intending to set me up, by claiming that one of mine is his, then he’ll socially hang himself. I am then free to say, can you produce a receipt for your claim, because I have mine. Secondly I want to let her know that if he ever tries to “shame” me with inuendo’s like that again in front of other people, I will stop him right in his tracks right there and then. I will not tolerate a colleague to treat me in such a way. I’ve already decided that at such an occasion I will raise my voice so that any witness can hear it, and I will say, “I want you to stop. I do not like to be treated in this way by a colleague.” If this were to happen, I want her to be able to situate such an event, rather than have to explain myself afterwards.
I do not intend to ask her for help. But I want her to know that I do not like at all what has occurred, I want evidence out that if he’s been given rope he ends up making a fool of himself over it, and I want her to know I have no intention of being treated like an easy target by this man. I was taken by surprise, but next time I won’t anymore. He can stuff it imo from now on.
Darwinsmom, I like blunt, straight to the point, no bs types. I do understand what you have expressed about her personality. That’s great that she is so validating and appreciate of your work, as well. I may have read to much into your initial post, regarding Principle. Fantastic, regarding the 2 extra classes that you will be acquiring! Good on you! I think what you state about how you will be handling any future disrespect from math teacher is excellent. Not that you have asked for my opinion, however, I do think it is a perfect strategy, while keeping your side of the street clean, and keeping your dignity and holding fast to your boundaries. Excellent! Would love to hear about the outcome, if you would be interested in sharing, here. Much success to you, on Friday!!
Darwinsmom and Shane,
I too, like blunt people. I’m blunt too. Though at first I rail against the truth: I don’t like it that much being told what I’m doing wrong, after a bit of thought, I realize that it isn’t personal. It helps me to do better.
But then, I wonder if all blunt people are just being honest or if some of them can be spathy because they lack empathy.
It’s a tough call. Learning about the cluster B personality disorders has really helped me sooooo much. I’m still learning.
I think I’ve just met a new spath of the highest order. very scary when I think about it. He is not obvious at all. It is only because I know about spaths that I can discern him. It’s still hard to believe. He seems so innocent. so naive. yet not.
Wow, just when I think I know it all, a new one comes along, just like the old one.
reminds me of the song: won’t get fooled again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q
Darwinsmom, quite frankly, I feel that you have this matter completely in hand. You’re venting in the “right place” instead of running to colleagues and yammering on about what this guy is doing! Good for YOU!!!!
One thing that I’ve noticed about the education profession is that there is always a high level of narcissism – especially, higher education. The friend that I mentioned, previously, had a Dean that was incredibly tough. This gal was bliunt, brutally honest, and demanded performance from her departments. But, she was also ethical and very professional – she did the work necessary to see that all of her departments ran as smoothly as possible, and that her staff and faculty were accountable. Since the new “Dean” was hired to replace her, adjuncts and tenured professors have begun slding into very, very bad habits, along with support staff. It’s chaos and he’s directly responsible for the performances of his department faculty and staff.
You’ve got this, Darwinsmom – you’re just angry at this guy, and you have every RIGHT to feel angry! He’s a whining twerp and I agree that he is jealous – pea-GREEN with jealousy and envy.
Brightest blessings!
Right on Donna!
I remember my ex husuband calling his ex girlfriend “crazy” and bi-polar. I will never be sure, but I am sure she was devastated that he dumped her for me.I had found out that he was still dating her and I told him I was not interested in this trio arrangement. He lived out of town, so I will never know how long he kept dating her, but he probably did behind my back.
Years, later, his brother also apparently a psychopath, broke up with his very intelligent and successful girlfriend and I remember my ex husband calling her “crazy”. I remember telling him – she is NOT crazy. Sadly, I still had not figured out the psychopath traits of both of these men. TWO spath brothers – ugh.
so, now fast forward to the present. My ex husband dumped me and moved into the guest bedroom of his new GF. It JUST occurred to me that he has been calling me “crazy” for the last 20 months of our separation!!!!!
I think he also told everyone that “I” abused him. That’s right, I am the perpetrator of evil in this marriage. At times, I am sure I looked “crazy” when I threw all of his clothes on her front porch.
yeah, at some point, a psychopath can and will drive all of us insane. Finally, I am on the “other” side of the equation in this failed relationship and truly see who is the “crazy'” one.
Skylar, you’re right. It IS a tough call. I too, recently met a new spath of the highest order, we interacted regarding business throughout first day of meeting. By days end, after experiencing many red flags periodically through the day, it was as clear as day that he was/is a spath, so I ended day by saying, “Spath, here are some excellent referrals. I do not believe that we are a good match, and do wish you all the best”. Ugh, they are popping up more often than not. I hope there will not come a day when the spaths out-number good people.
Shane,
congrats on figuring it out quickly and making your escape.
I wasn’t so quick. I going back and forth between doubting and hoping that he was normal. Now I’m sure.
It’s not a love relationship or even a business thing, just an acquaintance, so I’ll go gray rock now.
Yes, they’re everywhere. I tried to hire YET another guy. He seems normal, I hope he is. Except…he said his ex-wife is crazy…red flag. The thing that first triggered me was that he stood too close and was too excited when I first met him.
*sigh*
It’s hard going through life looking for red flags.
Shane and Sky,
It IS tough looking for red flags in all new associations, business or personal, but that is LIVING CAUTIOUSLY and making people EARN our trust rather than give it to them until they screw us or stab us in the back and THEN taking that trust away—as we walk away bleeding with a knife in our physical or emotional ‘back”
Even Bob Hare said it takes a while of knowing someone and interacting with them to know if they are a psychopath, BUT a person doesn’t have to be a FULL BLOWN CARD CARRYING PSYCHOPATH for us to know that we don’t want them in our lives. Someone who is “mildly” dishonest, irresponsible, nasty tempered, hard drinking, etc. may actually not “qualify” as a 30 on the PCL-R but they STILL are not someone we would want to take home and keep as a pet. LOL
Being cautious is GOOD SENSE and WISE and we need to keep on looking for the RED FLAGS. While only 1-4% of people would “qualify” as full blown 30+ psychopaths, there are PLENTY OF FOLKS who are “simply dysfunctional” or who will score a 29, or a 28 or even a 22 (which is the average score of all criminals in US prisons) and NONE of those people would be (for research purposes) a “psychopath” legally or clinically, but in my book they are TOXIC and DANGEROUS and there is NO REASON ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH to have anything to do with them.
Keep on looking for those red flags in people around you….it might just save your life, your finances or your sanity! TOWANDA!!!!!
Thanks Thruth! 🙂 Yes, you are right. I know what I’m doing, and I’m quite confident that the conversation of Friday will be good for me.
Yes, I’m keeping a total lid on this at my job. The less anybody else there knows, the less it can spread, the less he learns. Let him think he’s in control at the moment and that he has me cornered at every moment he wants to. Let him think he can jump on me and underestimate me. I know this to be an advantage. He’ll feel safe, and won’t even consider I can stick up for myself and cover my own ground.
Sky, you are absolutely right too that I have to handle this meeting with the principal business like and factual, and without making any drama. It will get me the most respect from her too. Her opinion turned more positive last year, exactly because I did what I was expected to do, without any drama, without any complaints, without any personal story, without self-pity. I was in a tough spot last year financially and jobwise, and I never made a squeak. When she learned of it in a factual way, inadvertently, because she had to sign the part-time papers for the unemployment offices, that’s when she started to offer for looking for a solution. That is why to me this meeting with her is not about asking help, but rather informing her about my perspective on what she witnessed herself and that I will act in an assertive way to prevent it from escalating.
Sky.
He stood to close and got excited? OH my – that is close ~!