When sociopaths have problems in their lives, it’s never their own fault. Donna Andersen explains why this is one of the most important Red Flags of Lovefraud.
To watch the entire Lovefraud Lessons series, go the the Lovefraud Videos page.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/kL24yoR2H2M]
Stargazer
My experience bares out much of what you’ve said. The same basic event kept happening until I learned what I needed. Sort of like growing up and being bigger then the bully. He no longer wants to be around.
darwinsmom
Well said. Responsible for the boundaries and not taking the bait. Spath does as the spath does. But the right response and he’ll do it somewhere else.
T
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson ~
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It truly is possible to walk down a different street – one with no holes (spaths).
Hugs,
Star
Darwinsmom, in my experience, there is something to learn from everyone who crosses my path. If, as you say, you are not learning anything from the jerks who cross yours, perhaps that is why they keep crossing your path. Just something to think about. It is my belief and experience that everything that happens to us in life has a potential learning opportunity. True, sometimes stuff just happens. But how we deal with it is what determines what we will make of our lives. And what (or whom) we focus on, when cumulative, becomes the fabric of our lives.
Stargazer,
Sometimes jerks are just jerks and there is no need to look for magical Jungian reasons behind it nor blame myself for it. At the moment, there are no big lessons to learn from it for me. I see them as exercice material: applying what I already learned. It is simply strengthening the cooperation between my 3rd eye and heart chakra, while allowing my sacral chakra live, listen and feel without letting it govern me.
Of course how we deal with it determines what we make out of our lives, and a part of dealing with spaths is not giving them more weight nor importance than they deserve, including not wondering “What am I doing to attract these people?”
I think we attract how we feel about ourselves. I used to have this sign on my forhead that said “Sucker” or “Use Me” or “Loser’s Apply Here” now I have a sign that say’s “DON’T EVEN THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME”….it’s all about education ya know..if we learned the lesson, spaths can see it, feel it and know we are not an easy target..I learned my lesson…. I do have good people in my life. And I have learned how to tell spaths to go to hell in such a way they look forward to the trip…keep smiling ~! 🙂
Hens,
TOWANDA!!! Your last sentence about telling people to go to hell and them being happy to be on their way is the definiton of TACT. My husband used to say that about me that I had TACT, and then he defined it like you said.
I also like the “sign” on your forehead now, and it is a good one.
Hens, I think you are right on that we attract whatever we feel about ourselves. This is true from my experience because the caliber of people in my life is way different from what it used to be, and I have much fewer entanglements with toxic ones. I just don’t seem to magnetize them anymore. And the ones at work that have a lot of negativity, I’m able to be around them without being affected. In fact, often when I hang out with them, I observe them getting energized. I do feel people are mirrors for us and life lessons are presented to us all the time, constantly. For me, it’s not any kind of special magic or voodoo; it’s just the way life is. I keep learning and growing. The growing pains aren’t always fun, but they are necessary in order for me to feel alive and joyful. Speaking of growing pains……..
Update: Had salsa class tonight. Felt a little anxious but overall it was much less, and I was much more grounded after the healing I’ve had this week. I danced really well, and both my teachers, Jacques and Mark, told me so. It feels like J and I have taken a step backward in some way, though we still seek each other out after class for practice, and we still hug very warmly and have a nice connection. I didn’t pick up any signs that he was particularly interested in me outside of dance practice. We walked outside together and talked about dance practice and that was it. He did not walk me to my car and I did not ask. I didn’t invite him out for coffee because I was tired and need to sleep. So if I want to move it in a particular direction, I will need to do something to make that happen because I don’t think he will for whatever reason. I don’t have the energy or inclination at the moment. But maybe I will some time. Or maybe the energy will shift again. He did mention seeing me at the club on Sunday. So I know that no matter how class goes, I can always look forward to seeing him there in a more romantic setting. We both are permanent fixtures there it seems, and we always seek each other out for dancing, although I’m also getting sought out by some of the other men there on a regular basis. Salsa is a really awkward venue for trying to date someone, because we are constantly dancing with members of the opposite sex, hugging them, and connecting with them throughout the evening. And it’s salsa, so it’s sexy. My teachers have added another class on Tuesday nights, and J and I are both considering taking it because we get a discount. Then I would see him 3 days a week. Also, it would make sense for us to carpool because we live down the street from each other and the classes are across town. But he has not brought that up. So I’m just “leaning back” and letting things go for now. I’m going to let him lead for a while. I’m still in energy conservation mode. Perhaps when I’m in a different space, I will try reaching out to him more to see what would happen. It’s all good though. Life is such a great adventure. I’m also SO sleepy. Aside from all this stuff with J, there’s a very good chance that if I stick with the classes, within a year’s time I will be really really good at salsa. This was my original goal. It would be really wonderful if that could happen.
Sorry, just rambling…………hope you all have a good night.
Hens, I second OxD’s TOWANDA!!!!!!! We must have gotten our forehead signs from the same place! LMAO!
It’s not just a new sign on my forehead, but a distinct demeanor in my face that says, “Really? Uh…NO.” I’m not mean, rude, ugly, or nasty – I just don’t have the time or inclination to be anything other than courteous to most people, these days. I’m not in the business of “being accepted,” anymore. I’m in Survival Mode, and that includes emotional survival.
TOWANDA, indeed!!!!
Brightest blessings
Mornin ~!
I just dont want to hold on to bitterness about what happened in my past. I can not go back and undo or redo all the injustice done to me by those that were only thinking of themselves and had no concern for the damage it caused me.
The past 4 year’s I have processed so much of the crap that happened, I have found some peace of mind. Layed down some guilt and shame that I should not of carried for 50+ years. I never have been good at expressing anger, I just absorbed it and got heavier with fear. Fear of what was the key for me…fear of not being good enough for the people that abused me? How fucked up was that?
So each day now is a new day, I know thats sounds corny but hey it might be my last. So I lay down the burden of yesterday, and dont obsess about tomorrow. I want to laugh, I want to feel alive, part of everything instead of alone and victimized. Goodness knows with all my trials and tribulations I have been blessed with a good life. Regardless of the one’s that have taken my heart and crushed it, it still beat’s and want’s to love and be loved, but not in a needy way anymore..I dont owe anybody an explanation for who I am or how I got to be the way I am, I just got to be.
So there are alot of new and exciting changes in my future, a new job that will get me around people, and spaths no doubt.. I need a change, I am ready for a change.. I have found comfort in being a hermit for to long, the isolation is starting to cripple me..So I am giving life a positive approach, with no fear.. I am moving on, but not without my LF cyber backbone, my healing place..I have no doubt I would not have gotten to where I am now without all of you cyber’s peeps..
Hens, your post sounds so positive and inspiring!!!! I can’t wait to hear about all the new changes in your life. I can so relate to you living like a hermit. I lived like that for so many years. It’s been a little scary to start venturing out – all of my buttons are getting pushed, but I’m surprised at my own strength dealing with things and continuing to move forward. Life is for the living, hens. Enjoy the life you have – you deserve it!