Many, many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was the best they ever had. In my latest video, I explain why.
Watch Lovefraud Lesson #6: Sociopaths and sex on the Videos page.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Love this video, Donna, and I’m sure we can all relate to it from both sides of the gender fence. I can best describe the sex as hot-and-cold because that’s just exactly what it was.
It’s hot because as you said, it’s some of the best unrestrained sex you’ve had. But at the same time, it’s also cold because there’s a certain level of detachment from them regardless of whether you’re dealing with a male or female sociopath. While they may or may not be particularly good at feigning the I-Love-You’s during and after sex, there’s clearly a distance there that only real intimacy can bridge. In my recent relationship, she would actually fall asleep afterwards (or she sure was good at faking it) in order to avoid the intimacy that follows great sex between two people. Seemed normal to me at the time but looking back, it was all part of the set up. For me, that pillow talk after sex makes up some of the most important aspects of intimacy in any relationship: Your guard is completely down and you can talk about almost anything openly.
I wrote in an earlier post that this woman had access to some of my most intimate answers on a dating site because of my desire to be open and honest in attracting a good match. Looking back on some of her behavior, I realized that many of the things we explored sexually were so incredibly perfect because she had actually matched them to everything I’d exposed in my profile. While I know that all relationships in the future won’t be sociopath-driven, I’m a guy – what else can I say? That chemistry thing is a very big part of being drawn in at the early stages of any relationship for a normal man or woman.
It’s clear now that her testosterone was definitely higher than an average woman in her mid-50’s and it matched up with my high testosterone (as a direct result of a 2-month round of hyperbaric oxygen therapy I underwent late last year). And after our breakup, it took me a month to finally feel that I had detoxed her out of my system physically.
I’m glad you’ve started bringing this more into the forefront. This topic may seem taboo for some people to bring up or discuss but I truly believe that the more openly we can discuss all aspects of how these people operate, the better prepared the rest of us can be in the future. Nice people need to stick together too!
Donna, this is a wonderful video and I’ve posted the FaceTube link to every site that I visit.
My belief that the intensity of the sex is that they are simply mirroring our own abilities and energies. The exspath was about as exciting as a bowl full of oatmeal, and I had to rely upon my own abilities to have any sexual enjoyment in the relationshit.
Having typed that, my views on my personal sexuality have been pretty much dashed – knowing what I had been unwittingly sleeping next to for over a decade causes me to literally gag. What the exspath is, and what he portrayed are absolute polar opposites.
And, the association that there is NO REMORSE or sense of propriety within the spath’s sexual interests speaks volumes. CAPS are for emphasis, only.
That one human being would request (actually, demand) that another person submit to acts that are humiliating, painful, dehumanizing, and risky does not relate to “love,” at all. Not at all. I mean, to even suggest that a partner engage in a threesome is utterly humiliating, in and of itself. It’s risky, humiliating, degrading, and objectifying – regardless of what our current “social norms” suggest. What spaths demand is not “normal” or “healthy.”
Good video, Donna – thank you for this continued endeavor!
Donna, I love this video! It’s soooooo true!
Yes, it was great sex, very hot and uninhibited… but it was not emotionally intimate. It was no love-making, never was. And after a while I craved for the love-making instead of the sex that was emotionally and intimately unsatisfying, even though it was still the same sex as the start.
RobertinSeattle:
The reason a woman in her mid 50s has a lot of testosterone is because the estrogen is dropping leaving more room for testosterone to take over. It’s the reason many older women become very sexual. It can be the best times in their lives.
Louise, I have read the same thing in a book about menopause. However, all of the women I know in their 50’s or 60’s tell me that their sex drives declined after menopause. So it’s confusing to me. I’m almost 52. I have not been through menopause – I still have regular periods, but I think I’m premenopausal. My sex drive is about the same as it always was. I do feel that as women get older they naturally become less inhibited because they’ve become more authentic and they’ve had more sexual experiences. Presumably, they’ve had some great lovers or have had to teach some men to be great lovers. They learn how to tell a man what they want. I know I’ve enjoyed the best sex in my last 10 or 15 years. When I was younger, I wanted sex a lot, but I just took what I got in the bedroom.
Robert, the spath I met was from a reptile forum of which I am a frequent poster. I believe he made a note of all the details of my life – my favorite CD’s etc. and mimicked them. Diabolical! But I’m a little different than you on dating sites – I am very private there and never mention anything about sex in my profile. This is not something I want to put out there to the public. In fact, if a guy is mentioning sex in his profile, I consider it a turnoff and will not reply.
Thanks so much! It is amazing how often I’ve heard people bring up the earth-moving sex. Some sociopaths, in the beginning of the relationship, can even fake the emotional intimacy which makes it even harder to understand that it was all fake.
I’m reading Dark Souls at the moment and I just read about the sex topic that the author so well covers alluding to the so known ‘limbic bond’, much like the bond a drug addict develops to the needle. When we get sexually involved with a person, our brain undergoes neurochemical changes that trigger emotional attachment. The woman, in particular, is bound to form an attachment and will get hurt when the relationship ends, in other words, we females are I quote from the book “more likely to get limbically connected and sociopaths know this and that is why they use sex as a way for forming an early emotional limbic bond”.
Many women talk about how amazing their sex was with their sociopaths. Because sex with a sociopath is so highly charged, most women will not be long in a relationship that it’s only about sex because we need emotional attachment too. I think that’s why it’s important to avoid having sex early in any relationship. You never know if you’re sleeping with the enemy who will suck the lifeforce out of you, not just the most intimate part of who we are.
Sex is a SMALL space in time, compared to what really matters in life. Because sex for women is associated with bonding and love, becauuse it is such an intimate part of who we are, using us for sex is betrayal at the deepest level, That great sex was not great sex, it was sexual abuse, it was sexual exploitation. We were an object. WHAT IN THE WORLD ABOUT THIS IS AT ALL ROMANTIC? Let us try to take the BIGGEST fantasy and put it where it belongs. It will help us much when we are able to accept that the “great sex” we were having was actually the most intimate part of us being exploited and abused by a psychopath. We are too good for that. Not because “we had great sex with our socio” but because we are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT with regards to giving ourselves in a relationship sexually.
NOTHING about being with a sociopath is healthy and without exploitation, including, but most importantly, sex.
Donna, I remember how hard it was for me to break my limbic bond with the sociopath. At the time, I was trying to cope with the reality that I suspected him to be a sociopath which I still was not prepared to face (denial + limbically connected), and then when I contacted you to tell you my story and you confirmed my suspicions, I was finally able to pluck up the courage to take the big step of going NC and get the man out of my life to use your own words. You remain in my mind as my rescuer from the sociopath who had taken hold of my mind. I wish this would happen more often and we could all help other women in the same situation take the step to save themselves from these demonic entities before it’s too late.
Via the media, we get much pathetic sex portrayed, heaped upon society. When is the last time a model on tv even smiled when walking the runway? At every turn, even on the spanish language stations, we get an emphasis on sex and sexuality for itself. There is no feeling associated with it other than one of gratification. Hence its one of the perfect ingredients to set up for extortion, disregard, and neglect of relationship. Somebody mentioned pillowtalk but when do we see anything like that as a part of having sex? Or even the consequences/ blessings of babies?
To all, great comments
Czarinamom, I have no tolerance for pornography – none. What begins as a stimulant quickly (and, completely) becomes an obsession. More and more risky, shocking, and dehumanization is required, over time, to provide the same stimulus. At some point, it cannot be shocking, humiliating, degrading, or dehumanizaing enough for addicts.
The exspath was not only addicted to extreme (and, I mean extreme) violentand deviant sexual imagery, but he is also engaging in the very things that he’s been viewing with various groups of like-minded people.
Like I wrote: I have no tolerance for porn. It isn’t “normal” and it doesn’t portray healthy sexual interactions and relationships. Porn destroys and desensetizes a person’s human connection to sexuality and relationships. Nope – no tolerance and no exceptions.
Brightest blessings……