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Lovefraud Lesson #8: Sociopaths and love bombing

Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. Donna Andersen explains their most potent weapon. Watch the latest Lovefraud Lesson:

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40 Comments on "Lovefraud Lesson #8: Sociopaths and love bombing"

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Donna, thank you so much for this video!!! I’m posting it, everywhere that I can think of.

With regard to the lovebombing, it’s so vital to understand that non-romantic spath entanglements involve “lovebombimg” of sorts, as well. Over-the-top flattery, gifts, and demands/requests for personal attention all seem non-threatening, at first, but it quickly becomes dangerous where platonic relationships are concerned.

This series is outstanding, Donna. Thank you for putting these informative pieces together.

Brightest blessings

Thanks Donna, Yes it was very obvious after he left and came back after 8 months. I paid very close attention to his behaviour and he went to lovebombing stage, like we have met first time. All his actions were totally repeated, verbally and body language wise.

I kept myself totally detached emotionally, and keeping an eye on him and was embrassed how come I didn’t know these things before and married to this person. As they do he left again after 4 months.

Thanks again I hope people pay more attention.

Donna,

What a testament, what a gift you are giving to the uninitiated …..and the survivors of these heinous experiences. For myself, I remember very clearly when spath boy declared his love for me. It was very quickly after I had met him. First red flag. It was said with a certain amount of irritation…..I had challenged him about something which I can’t remember, but I can clearly recall when and how he said it. Yep. Second red flag. I ignored both, even though I do remember feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Sigh. You know the saying “Better late than never?”
It applies to me. I thank my lucky stars every day I found this site ……your legacy borne from your own experience.

Thank you

Another great video! Exactly! Spaths don’t get us to fall in love with them and being smitten with them by abusing us. They do it with flattery, strokig our ego and make us feel as if we just stumbled in some romantic fairytale or romantic movie. And who will say ‘no’ to the most romantic lover ever, when they’re also charming and seem so self-assured, and you don’t know what that all implies?

Donna,

I have one big question, which bothers me time to time:

WHY DO THEY GET MARRIED????

When they are looking for a new victim, if old one gets too smart. Why even bother with that???

myheart,

I know you asked Donna, but I think it’s because (a) they know that empathic people dream of finding a partner for life who wants to commit and make babies with them
(b) they have no problem making a commitment at all because it doesn’t make any difference to them; they don’t play by the rules anyway so don’t feel they can betray themselves by breaking promises (c) they know we though have big issues with breaking our promises, and what is the heaviest promise you can ever make to another person? That you will stick with them through the hardest of times until the day you die.

Donna,
Thanks for these videos. This one, in particular, hit a pretty strong cord with me. I think the realization that I was dive bombed makes me feel terrible about myself.

My ex spath swept in during a time in my life when I was extremely vulnerable. I was feeling bad about the fact that all of my friends had met the man of their dreams and were either married or on the verge and I had just broken up with the man I thought I was going to marry. I was feeling terrible and unwanted. The spath probably saw this written all over my face. I probably even told him (unintentionally of course).

So what did he do? Well, he turned around and love bombed me and then proceeded to turn my life into a nightmare. He didn’t trap me with marriage…he trapped me with something more permanent – a child. So now, he is free to terrorize me until the day I die (possibly by his hands).

Thank you for the video though. I think its important to note that in order to recognize if you are truly being love bombed…you need to be honest with yourself about your state of mind and how vulnerable you are when you are starting a relationship.

Thanks Darwinsmom and Donna,

I am sure will look for next video.

Exspath made commitement and forced me to marry veeery fast, even my family was totally against it, because I just came out of a divorce and they thought I am venurable and may not make a right decision. Spath convinced me at OUR age we know what we want in our life and he loves me more than anybody I shoudl be fearful about marriage.

Anyway his commitment went out the door as soon as we moved in together after 6 months of marriage. Beleive me his eyes litrally changed, its color changed to dark black, it was cold dark stare eyes, inctead of loving soft brown eyes before. And than new rules started for out relationship.

Then threat to break the marriage everyday and my desparate effort to keep it together on his terms. When I constatnly correcting him, it should be OUR terms, not your terms, we are husband wife.

SO not sure what does commitment for a spath in this case. Is it to find a victim and marry them and then terrorise them for rest of their life??? I think they have different definition of commitment than we normal people do.

myheart,

They don’t commit in thruth because they don’t bond, but they really want us to comit ourselves to them so they can squeeze us out like lemons.

Myheart,

They want us to commit to them so we can “supply” them with what they require. Money, sex, housekeeping duties, looking after children, earning money, cooking their meals bla bla bla!!!

My ex wanted a Mother housekeeper slave sex goddess all rolled into one

Darwinsmom,
“they really want us to comit ourselves to them so they can squeeze us out like lemons. ”

……nail on head 😕

So that makes sense. If is funny Darwinsmom and strongawoman you sooo right.

Whenever spath would abandoned/aliniate me, like don’t care for my mother, don’t cook for me, my mother will do that, don’t take my daughter to school, like I am an angry with you and your punishment is I am releasing you from homely duty which you perform in good time.

I used to laugh, are you firing me??? It is like you hired me to cook, put up with your very control freak mother, care for your daughter and do all my your defined WIFELY duty, and you can suspend me or fire me anytime when I don’t perform according to your term.

Ok so this makes sense, they need to show world see if a good looking very successful spouse, it is all for show.

Do you think it is more pleasure to kill a soul of a successful, independent spouse?

Becasue he did say he liked me because i was very joyful and very social, and I do have very good professional career, and his first wife was totally opposite.

Then he wanted me to be just like her……. He did worke hard to convert me.

It must be cat and mouse game I guess, god knows, yuck.

Myheart,

Envy! The spath feels envy. My ex hated the fact that I was successful. He used to say ….God knows how you did it, strongawoman. You’re so weak someone must have helped you.

I am convinced he wanted to destroy me. He once told me I needed to be taught a lesson…..this was when I was so far down the rabbit hole I couldn’t function,couldn’t eat, couldn;t go to work. I had a breakdown….and that’s what he said. I needed to be taught a lesson.

He also hated the fact that I was loud and wanted me to change …. to let his enormous ego prevail.

They’re all singin from the same songsheet Myheart. Selfish, lazy, deluded, evil. Amongst other adjectives that can be used. Glad you’re away from him. He sounds “charming”…..just like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.

myheart,

you asked, “Do you think it is more pleasure to kill a soul of a successful, independent spouse?”

I have only one answer to that: ABSOLUTELY! The more they can topple us, the better they feel, the more ‘credit’ they earn in spathworldland.

I guess they could have better marry somebody very simple minded, who didn’t knwo the world out there, knows anything.

But they don’t it is more fun chasing a deer than a turtle, right!!

Spath cam back after 8 months, and repeated same love boming, and this time he started a new game, believe me he said, ” I want to know you more, I want to know that bottom of your heart, want to know what makes it hurt, you are so strong and you hide your weak yourself somewhere”, he said all this in a very loving moment, claimed he was truly trying very hard to know me. I told him we lived together for almost 4 years, so you should know everything about me.

Which I never revealed to him, because very concious, and kind of knew he wants to hurt me more than he did last time. Hurting me provides him pleasure, because he wanted to break my soul so I never open mouth to anybody, since I threatened him people will know about him and his fancy face have a real color.

Yes I am glad I am out of it, and I am more stronger and wiser than before, which truly isolates me from successful men. Though I am not complanining.

Thanks for being there and provding all the wisdom, all of you have opened up my eyes. I am so call recovered today because of all of you.

Slaute!!!

myheart,

aside from control they also crave drama. So they prefer someone who will provide them with drama over someone who gives them less of it.

From what my wife told me, her maniac did all of the above. he even tried to convince her that he had been searching for her for years.(they had a brief encounter in high school) she realized that he could have easily found her just by asking her friends in town.
I think he was stalking her for years though. i think he dropped a note in my car at work written in newspaper print, trying to put doubts in my head. (fifteen years ago) also some anonymous phone call a few years before. i think he was placing some doubt in our marriage, planning patiently for when he used up his gf.
all of the above, i checked her phone records at the time she was first trying to break away. sometimes 80 or 90 txts a day!
we have a year till the miscreant gets out. things are getting better. tell your husbands to hang in there. and maybe get here. try to avoid telling them you want to forget the whole thing. if they know anything about this enmeshment, they know you have work to do. i know it drives me nuts to hear her say she just wants to forget it.

she is developing a plan for dealing with him if he tries to contact her when he gets out. i hope mace is involved.

best to you all you amazing souls!

rgc

also for those who had your marriage wrecked. trust is key. and they need to know that you are not hiding or preserving any of your affair. nothing to hide means no value placed on the affair. (to us)

Ex spath bagged me to hide things when he was breaking, saying please don’t tell anything about this. I said nope everybody will know about this. He is a high profile executive and always worry about his image.

To my surprise, his freinds contacted me and shared that they have similar perception about him, since he was always very secrative growing up, and will disapear from their life without notice and will show up.

So it was no new news for anybody. So I guess these spaths live in a bubble, they think since they are so secrative about their life, nobody knows about it and they will keep finding new victims and go on, but people are perspective and not dumb.

Now spath has his profile on online matrimonial website calling himself a “widower” and saying honesty is everything for him in a relationship.

Are they delusional as well?? Like a small girl who hides her face with are skirt and thinks nobody can see her. But everybody can see her’s penty………

myheart,

I have a hypothesis that spaths lack the ability to intuit. I went digging on the internet regarding research on intution. Without going back deep into it, there are indeed several studies that people normally have an ability to know what will probably the better choice of seemingly two equal choices, especially if it are choices we have to make repeatedly. While one could argue it’s cognitive learning process, our bodies actually give off signals (skin, heartrate and brain activity) long before we are conscoius what will be the correct decision. The time between our body signaling the right choice and us cognitively recognizing the rgith choice is the time we need to learn to trust what our body is telling us.

Another type of intuition goes even further than that. Once we set an event in motion (like say a mouseclick) our heart (which has its own nervous center and consciousness) seems to ‘download’ info on future outcome of random outcomes well before we could ever know and races that info to the brain. It’s too much to claim that we consciously know the outcome, but our heart and our body knows.

Now our body would not be able to intuit the outcome of a random possibility ahead in time if the info about the future isn’t out there. And at quantum physical level and the math related to it (4 dimensional) it is theoretically possible for particles of the past and present and future to share the same space and interchange data. It is that probably what our heat nerve system taps into.

Now several of those intuition researches do include people who failt at intuition tests: addicts and people with an impaired brain ability to learn from consequences (spaths fall in that category). Also regarding the future predictive intuition research, one particular test done involves watching pictures. They basically tested whether a person’s body knew beforehand whether it would be an emotional picture or a neutral one after they clicked on a mouse (there’s a delay between the mouseclick and seing the picture). We know that for psychopaths that they don’t show a different physical or brain response when they’re actually looking at an emotional or neutral picture, so chances are pretty nill they would have a physical intuition response that an emotional picture is coming or not.

What now is my hypothesis? We, the normal people, can intuit, and predict outcomes, or at least our body can. Our bodies could only do that if there is some ‘absolute truth data’ of the material world out there. And in fact most of us have this concept of there being a reality and absolute and verifiable truth being out there, outside of us. It’s a concept that comes pretty natural to us in our early childhood years, and our physical ability to tap into such outside ‘truth’ database woudl enhance that idea to us.

But what if you cannot tap into that database, or if that info never arrives in the brain where it’s supposed to go; then you wouldn’t have this sensation that there is an absolute existing truth outside of your own body. Instead you would grow up believing that you can create and make the truth as how you see fit.

Guess what type of pathological lying behaviour we see with spaths? They know the thruth of course, but they do think that they can make others believe whatever they like us to believe, and they are often quite surprised when they learn how easy it was to find out the thruth once we went looking for it via others. Yes, we do fall prey to their lies for a while, because we expect other people to be thruthful since we think that everyone can sense and feel and know that there is an absolute thruth. That knowledge is so intuitive to us, that we cannot even start to believe that a liar doesn’t fear or epect to be found out. Yes, we do fall prey to their lies because we deny what our gut is telling us when we’re bonded. But eventually we do wise up, and yet spaths don’t. They still think they can start change what’s true right in front of our opened eyes all over again.

myheart: oh yes, I was ‘bagged’ in a way, as well, as soon as I gave in to the ‘attention’ and ‘lovebombing’ I was pushed off a cliff. What “IT” didn’t realize is I was getting ready to jump all by myself! lol

“IT” never wanted me to talk about our relationship with anyone. He wanted to continue doing mean, rotten, ugly things to me; threatening me; trying to take my life from me and really did expect me to ‘cower’ and hide in the corner…well, what “IT” didn’t count on was the fact that “I” am stronger than “IT is. I refuse to sit back and let someone abuse me, all built upon a facade, anyways, and me keep quiet. Especially when it’s someone who wants to take my life from me, someone who has threatened not only me but several others as well, including law enforcement and the authorities and really isn’t in ‘control’, in any way whatsoever.

People always ask me: “What did you do to him?”
ME?! I did nothing to him to warrant this other than rebuking “IT” and telling it I knew all about everything.
Suddenly, “I” became the “bulls eye”. Know what I mean?

It’s alright: it’s out there digging a path for ITSELF, and one of these days, it is going to end up exactly where it belongs. And, to me, that means, four walls in a tiny little cell with bars on the windows and a key to lock and unlock it. If “I” have the opportunity, that is exactly what I am going to do too. And, “IT” knows it. “IT” wanted to ‘silence’ me, but that isn’t working out too well for “IT” either since I have LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF BACK UP. The kind “IT” doesn’t like.

For as ‘big and bad’ as “IT” talks, my oh my, what a ‘little girl’.
Always hiding up someone else s skirt. And I do mean that literally. Instead of being a man and standing on his own two feet, he feeds on the internet and love bombs accordingly. That is exactly how “I” met him. And all of his EIGHT other ‘relationships’. A predator, in every sense of the word.

Oh yes, I had said on occasion once before, to “IT”, that perhaps a ‘reunion’, live, on national television, on one of the talk shows, might prove to be VERY ‘revealing’….

I am not shy to do such a thing either.
Paste his face on milk cartons. How’s that one?

I am just waiting, now, for the authorities to contact me, regarding another matter of his, and they will, sooner or later, and trust me: (caps used for emphasis:) IT WILL BE AN IMMENSE PLEASURE TO FINALLY PUT THIS PREDATOR EXACTLY WHERE I THINK IT BELONGS. Not shy AT ALL.

Had another ‘stalking’ by phone, again, this morning.
Tsk, tsk, tsk: I have more important things to do and think about other than his drivel.

Yes, they are ABSOLUTELY delusional.
Absolutely. They tell lies and CONVINCE THEMSELVES so they are more convincing to others. That’s part of their personality disorder. They can MAKE THEMSELVES hate you in order to get what they want from their next ‘band of minions’.

NC myheart: that includes searching…
All it does it hurt you more and “IT” deserves no more.
I am not sorry I gathered all the info I did, but it only somehow leaves you more shocked and forlorn than before.
Trust me.
Some things are better left UN LOOKED AT.

DUPEY

Dupey, glad to see you posting. Noticed you hadn’t posted yesterday and the day before that. How are you doing?

(((darwinsmom)))
Thanks for missing me.

I am doing alright.
Considering.

Another phone stalking this morning.
STAR: I can’t change my number just yet.
It’s a ‘business number’ that has been in existence for YEARS.

I AM going to change it though, anyways, soon.
Just have to wait a little longer.

I am feeling very EMPOWERED, darwinsmom; how about you?
Still somewhat in a ‘funk’, though, and I think it’s my medical condition that keeps me so ‘down’.
Every day seems a struggle anymore. I know I should be ‘grateful’ that I am still alive but I am so tired. So don’t feel well.

It will all ‘be’ whatever it is meant to be, in the end.
This ‘being’ will NOT get one more second of my attention.
The NEXT attention it will get from me will be me testifying in a court of law or providing information to the authorities.

Dupey

Hey dupey, I don’t know if this has been mentioned for you, but I just had the idea that acupuncture is something your body might respond to. Aside for helping with all kinds of medical conditions, it’s really good for stress. When you suffer from prolonged stress, the adrenals are working overtime and there is an excess of cortisol (stress hormone) in your body. This has a way of throwing all the other organ functions out of balance. Acupuncture can restore organ function and therefore restore balance in your body. This has a huge impact on how you feel and how well your body can heal from medical conditions. It’s also very relaxing. I’ve seen some internet deals for acupuncture for as low as $19.

Thanks Darwinsmom for such a eloborated information, it truly makes sense. Intution is a missing chip in their brain with many others chips.

And Dupey, yes don’t tell anybody, or what did you say to whom, is a real mantra.

My stand is if you are so worried about it, why the hell you do wrong things. But I guess IT is prisioner of its own deeds.

It even was complaining, why all the freinds left him, when he did nothing wrong ot them. I had to tell him you did wrong to two fo their very dear friend, one is me one was before me. And scoiety does punish you if a person does wrong doing to others….. But again understaning this is a missing chip as well.

I do feel sorry for these creatures, they are snakes, they are slithering somewhere uaround us and we all need to develop a goose bump to sense them on our arms.

I hope you are felling better.

Thanks Stargazer for the suggestion on acupuncture.
I had thought of it before but well, just haven’t got around to it and really can’t afford it. I hear you about ‘prolonged stress’ and it’s effects on the body. Oh yes, definitely an adrenalin overload. I am taking lexapro now and that melantonin is really doing the trick for me. THAT and NC. My heart condition is stable for the moment and I credit NC for that.

Sorry about your problem with the ‘vet’…
EE-GADS: sounds somewhat like my ppath…
It isn’t the same one; is it? hahahaha
Wouldn’t surprise me one single bit.

I will check it out-the acupuncture.
Thanks again for the suggestion.
Hope you are well and doing alright.

I am reveling in this auspicious day and at how quiet it truly is.
Even if I was intruded upon, at least I know I was being thought of. Hm?
Thought of by a psychopath; imagine that.
Now that’s something to tell the Grandkids
when they get a little older….

GRAMMY LIVED THROUGH A PSYCHOPATH.

Dupey

myheart,

One night in Nicaragua I was out with him but he was off for some drug run I suppose… but he had been ‘kind’ enough to have a tab arranged at the bar for me, because he knew I wouldn’t draw money out of the ATM all alone at night anymore. LOL, I thought he was kind to make a deal with the owner of the bar to have a tab for me that I would pay afterwards myself. HOW KIND of him! And why did I need the tab? Because he was off with the pocket money I had left on me.

Anyway, I meet some other Nicas at some point and we are talking and of course one asks where he is, why he left me alone… and basically I was praising him, that though he of course had his stuff to do (and I did know it was drugs) he would make sure I was in company and could have my own fun. I said nothing ‘bad’ of him.

About two night later, the last night there before we’d leave both for Costa Rica border on the bus, he comes home from a bar all in distress… the other Nica guy I had been talking to (to whom I had praised him) had lectured him and warned him that I deserved to be treated well. And so he returned earlier than I expected to ask me what I had said about him to the guy. I was kinda stunned. I said “nothing bad at all. I praised you.” He then continued to tell me that I shouldn’t talk to anybody about him, that it was disloyal, blablablabla… and he was CRYING. I even hugged him with all the love I felt at that moment.

I thought he’d remain at home then, pack his stuff and go to sleep with me. But no, with that settled he got up and left and didn’t arrive back ‘home’ until an hour before we had to take a cab to the bus stop. And when he arrived he was under the influence of some heavy dose or drug: pissing and eating like an animal, spouting some Miami Vice story of drug warlords with big guns at some villa with expat Americans that didn’t make any sense.

All that kindness and love I had felt hours before was replaced with nothing but disgust for the beast I was seeing.

No, I wasn’t to say anything about him. Well, I didn’t need to say anything about him. People knew him and they worried about me.

Darwinsmom,

At the end after two visit of spath in my life, once for marriage and another one for reconcillation, I got out only one thing::::

He was very inscured, and his image was everything, he wanted a woman’s loyality 100% who can provide him company and will hide his abuse. More than that he lloves this woman and he should do anything to keep marriage intact.

Look I can understand this. If you still live locally and you need to keep finding new victims, your bad reputation will come in your way, right!!!

Like your spath, quickly resolve things in his favor and take off again was the game…

Oh well, aren’t we lucky we are out on our two legs and strong head on our shoulder, because spath’s first wife had to leave the worled to be rescued from him. I shoudl be glad I am still alive.

What a horror story, darwinsmom. I’ve made excuses for men, too. Cognitive dissonance is an interesting thing. I am so clear now what kind of man I want and how I want him to treat me. I believe I have found that special man. I think he likes me, too. And I now have another opportunity to take the risk I never took with the neighbor and reach out to this new guy that I like. I will probably have to be the one to ask him out first. Not really my favorite way to start a relationship, but it is what it is.

darwins,
oh my..

yup a pure example of cog dis. However in those 2 days in between quite a lot of things happened that started to put the thoughts in my head that he did not care one bit for me. The two options of – he cares, he cares not – were starting to diverge quite significantly. It had started to become clear to me that it was bigger than him just being impossible to live with.

He had organized some free getaway for us at a hotel at a beach down south because he had tried to help the expat owner with getting his stolen wallet and passport and papers back (tried, didn’t succeed). He ended up taking a cab all the way back to his town (after nagging me for weeks that we never got out of there) and spend the night there. There I was at this romantic honeymoon place all by myself. When he returned almost by noon with some jail story I knew he lied (he had taken a villager with him who had returned during the night by himself, after almost the whole village was in uproar of them being so gone for so long) and I didn’t even fight him. I felt cold inside and getting tired and just looking forward to going home all by myself.

Not to mention that that last evening a couple of hours before his pity play act I told him that I believed he was behind my robbery the year before.

That love I felt that evening was a compassionate one, because when he cried he did say he was sorry he wasn’t treating me well enough. It was very well acted pity play with big puppy eyes, I’ll give him that. Of course that he got up and just went on as per usual shows how much it was an act.

After that it was months of long distance, where I struggled with believing that he loved me and had loved me more and more. And in that time I stopped enabling him more and more… I certainly stopped the financial enabling and pushing his responsibilites back to him.

But those last few scenes were the beginning of the end for me, and surely for him. Yup, it’s horrific and at the same time comical now to me. How sick and twisted things can get, hey?

Donna,
I can’t thank you enough for your work. I love the video series and the articles are always well written. Maintaining “No Contact” is the best advice ever!! I see and hear parts of “my story” every week – it makes me sad that so many of us have been preyed upon by what I can only describe as evil. It’s been three years since I left the sociopath and he still tries to make contact. I don’t know if I will ever recover. It feels like everything that was good or kind about me was systematically destroyed for no reason and trying to find “normal” again is sometimes really hard. I am still embarrassed and ashamed of what I allowed this person to do to me. But your articles and advice always help me put things in perspective and keep me from free-falling into the black hole of depression. Thank you so much for caring about all of us.

Darwinsmom…..yikes.

Just a general question for everyone: is cognitive dissonance a “disease,” or is it something that I can retrain myself to avoid?

Even in the most “innocent” situations, I find myself STILL excusing people or attempting to explain their behaviors. This goes for females, as well as males.

Everyone has a sad story to tell, and everyone is in dire straights. I don’t wish to discuss my situation(s) with anyone, at this point. I don’t want to give anything away about myself, and it’s a boundary issue, but also based upon a fear that someone will use that information to harm me.

Just curious if anyone else fights this on a daily basis.

Brightest blessings

Hi Truthy,

IMHO the cog/diss thing is not a disease. I have a tendency to “make allowances” for inappropriate behaviour. Recognising that tendency and acting upon it is, in a way, retraining my self not to accept that which I did previously. If you get my drift, lol. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but being able to recognise times when boundaries need to be imposed and that it is ok to say no to something or someone. Even if you’re just saying no to a night out with your friends. Do you know what I mean?

I’m guilty of not being able to say no, sometimes. I used to think I needed to make an excuse. Why can’t I say no, just no!

You don’t have to tell anyone what is happening in your life, Truthy. It’s private! It’s your private life. A quick “I don’t want to discuss that or I can’t discuss that at the moment should suffice. If they don’t accept that they aren’t worth worrying about. I do understand what you’re saying and yes, I do think I have to fight these tendencies ….

Hugs

Thruthspeak,

It’s an everyday normal trait for every normal human being. It’s what marketeers and salesmen use to do their job. It’s actually one of the things I learned about in my 3rd bachelor industrial design in ‘design methodics’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

Spaths use cog dis extremely well. They often have us actively choose for them (commitment, marriage, engagement, etc). After we made the choice it starts to become clear in their behaviour we might have made the wrong choice. This creates a dissonance, a conflict. But we’ll downplay the evidence against our voluntarily choice to be with them and make the evidence that supports our choice have more weight to us. Hence we start to accept the unacceptable and live on the few (seeming) gestures they do for us. Once we make a choice we are bound to be happy about it and defend the choice. Because it would be literally be more painful to our ego and the way we view ourselves to admit to ourselves we made a wrong choice and that it didn’t make us happy at all, than it is to blame ourselves for not trying enough, for not being kind/loyal whatever they blame us for.

We come to experience the pain of dissonance after the discard, because then we are in a situation where we are confronted with a reality that does not match our previous beliefs and we have no way of resolving it in favour of our belief and past choice, because they’re not there anymore.

So, cog dis is not something you can really avoid doing in everyday life, and it has nothing to do with saying ‘no’ or boundaries. It all has to do with self-image, forgiving yourself that you can make mistakes and wrong choices against your benefit, that you aren’t perfect. The only thing that imo helps against cog/dis is humility for yourself and to yourself.
And when it comes to spaths it means you must alter your beliefs of the social fabric around you.

Truthspeak, You know, it becomes more and more amazing to me, how all the toxic tactics work together to create a syndrome in the victim. How the relationship cycle, complete with love-bombing, then leads to devalue and disgard…how gas-lighting undermines our sense of self reliance, and self trust…how blame shifting sets all the responsibility on our shoulders…how cog-dis is the result…a system set-up within ourselves…a normal reaction to an abnormal situation….denial, dissasociation, power imbalance…trying to wrapp your head around what happened, make sense of the lies and inconsistancies.
The seduction, the promise, the betrayal. The story, the reframing of the promise, another betrayal. The trauma. The bond. Cog-dis is the beginning of recovery, because it is the inner truth screaming to be heard.

I appreciate the responses to the off-topic question. I am at the point where I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything, if that makes any sense.

I’m going to get involved in some intensive counseling as soon as I’m able – my “trust issues” are enormous. I feel that everyone has an agenda. This is not healthy, at all. I know, on an academic level, that not all people are sociopaths, and that I’m suspicious of just about everyone, even people who have given me no reason to distrust them.

UGH……I’ve got so much self-work to do and I need a vacation from myself!

Brightest blessings

I hear you truthspeak. studying this made me look at everyone in a different light. it made me realize that our politicians are more than likely disordered. but, armed with knowledge, its amazing how one can simply flick away those who we recognize as disordered. so, at various times during this ordeal, i have considered writing a book with the view from my point. i think it would be a cliffhangar. like start out at my wifes tenth class reunion. where i first met him. he snubbed me and her too. but he hung around and watched her dance. back then she was a real looker on the dance floor. he just stood there watching her. i now realize that she became a target at that moment. over 21 years ago. he would use and abuse the younger ones first including his own children. and through the years plant little peices of doubt in my head through anonymous phone calls and later a note left in my car at work. all the while planning for the day she would become usefull.

Donna I just discovered all the new videos you have out. I really liked them when I first saw the initial ones on the site. So glad there are more and it looks like more to come.

It’s much more personal to see a living and breathing person talking about this rather than reading the words alone.

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