Editor’s note: A young reader has contacted Lovefraud on several occasions. She has realized that her father is disordered, which set her up to meet several disordered boyfriends. I used one of her letters in a video — you can see it here: “How do I avoid dating a sociopath like my father?”
This reader writes:
I took your advice and stopped dealing with my father because he always has ill intentions.
I’m not sure if you recall the last time I spoke with him and saw him was over the summer of 2017. I will reiterate the story.
He snapped his Achilles’ tendon trying to show off while climbing a mountain and I became the blame. He compared me to several women on the mountain, stating that next time I see him I better look like those women and then I might actually get a real job and be loved. Then he hid himself in his room and all he cared about was talking to his women “friends,” while my sister and I only spent time in front of the tv (I haven’t seen him in 4 years prior to this trip).
He told me my little brother’s Mom didn’t want him to see me, so he couldn’t come visit, but before I showed up he promised my brother would be there.
Then he was blaming me for his divorce case not going the way he wanted and he feels like I owe it to him to testify when he reopens the case, even though he has been nothing but a shitty father to me. That was all he talked about the entire time I was there, along with my weight and I’m not even fat! Well after this trip I stopped dealing with him.
Fast forward to now. He is acting like I’m obligated to have a relationship with him. I haven’t heard from him in 4 months, and then all of a sudden he misses me.
I stopped communicating with him and he didn’t communicate with me either so I thought I was in the clear. Now he won’t stop harassing me. The reason I don’t want to respond to his messages is because I believe his motive is bad.
He’s never driven down to the southern part of the state to just bring me a gift, so why all of a sudden now? I believe his motive is to subpoena me to court. He doesn’t have my address down in the south and he knows I won’t give it to him; he just has my mom’s address in the north.
I don’t believe there’s a gift. I believe he just wants to make sure I’m here so that he could subpoena me.
I have attached the harassing/ manipulative text messages and emails. If it’s not too much trouble, I really would like to hear your thoughts on this, as well as others if possible.
Wed Dec 13, 12:18 pm
Are you going home for Christmas this year? If so, I’d like to drive to see you and bring you your gift.Thu, Dec 14, 11:34 pm
You didn’t respond. I want to see you. If that’s not possible where should I mail your gift?Friday 11:15 AM
Worried about you. Are you ok?Monday 1:10 AM
I know things are tough right now – that’s life. I love you and want to hear from you. I’m your father and always will be. I’m sorry for any short coming you feel that I have …… But I love you and you will always be a part of me. Let me help you achieve what I couldn’t in this life.Dad
What’s your mother’s cell #?
I really don’t want to be subpoenaed because if I testify and he still is not satisfied he will make my life a living hell. I will hear about this for the rest of my life. Meanwhile he’s never there for me though.
This young lady would like input from other Lovefraud readers. If you have advice for her, please post it.
Once your life has been entwined with a sociopath, there may be no easy fix
Donna Andersen
Trust your instincts. If you feel that your father has an ulterior motive – he does. Sociopaths always have an ulterior motive.
Stay strong and stay away from him. His behavior will not change. Whatever he did in the past, he will continue to do.
AnnettePK
In addition to Donna’s excellent advice to trust your instincts, I perceive major signs of manipulation and exploitative motives in his messages. For example, “I’m sorry for any short coming you feel that I have …… ” He’s not apologizing for his wrong doing nor feeling regret for hurting you – he’s blaming you for thinking he’s not perfect. It’s all about him and what you think of him; he’s not concerned with your feelings. “But I love you and you will always be a part of me” says that he will always feel that he has a right to exploit you.
It is so sad and hurtful when a parent treats their child this way. It sounds like you have made a good decision to protect yourself by avoiding him. Consider doing all that you can do to avoid contact of any kind with him, and to avoid letting him get information about you from other people you mutually know, or from social media. You might stay off social media altogether for awhile. Sadly, you may have to avoid interacting with anyone that might result in your whereabouts getting back to him. He will probably continue to try to get to you to exploit you until he’s been consistently unsuccessful for awhile. Also, he may not try to contact you for years or decades and then try again to see if there is something he can exploit you for. Sadly, it’s not likely he’ll change, and it is most likely that you are best off not having contact.
Take care.