(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
It can be hard to hate or despise even the most terrible human being so long as he’s inflicted his cruelty on others, but spared you. Take a sociopathic relative, even a close one.
If somehow he compartmentalized his life, lived a “double life—”in any case, if you learned that he treated you (retrospectively even) with an exceptional, aberrant mercy that he denied his victims, you might very possibly remain “loyal” to him. You might still even “love” him.
Various defenses are pertinent—such as denial, dissociative and other self-deluding mechanisms. Gratitude may also be present, expressive of a different defense mechanism: the “monster,” after all, spared you, but not others. He exempted you from the cruel fate he inficted on them, who were helpless to protect themselves, as you were too, only he spared you. So it may seem as if he were somehow “protecting” you from the “demons” he unleashed on others.
This kind of analysis can engender, as I say, a form of “gratitude” and “loyalty” towards the victimizing individual; it is a variant of “identifying with the aggressor.”
Now it’s true that many, discovering the unseemly truth about someone close to them, even if they were spared the individual’s predations, will modify their view of the individual, bringing it into conformity with reality.
But not always.
I stress: sometimes the monster will retain his “backer.” And the chief point I stress is that his “backer” will probably be under the sway of twin, interrelated and twisted forces of logic—if he didn’t do this to me, then how could he have done this to them? And if he did it to them and not me, then he must have somehow “loved” me?
In either case, “I exculpate him.” In this way, I can remain “loyal” to him,without feeling I’ve transgressed my value system.
Thus disbelief (enabled by denial), mixed and confused with the fantasy of having been a special, exceptional object of his “love” (thanks to which he “amnestied” you from the cruel fate to which he subjected others) supports the rationalization to “stand by” him.
We are strange in the sense of this contradiction: on one hand, we are highly prone to judging others; on the other, we have the capacity to utilize defense mechanisms in the service of “withholding judgment” whenever the need arises.
We do both regularly—that is, regularly we relent to the tendency to judge, while often simultaneously exercising the detachment necessary to “not judge” sometimes disturbing individuals and their alarming stories of transgression.
Many professions, like that of psychotherapy, require the capacity to “suspend personal judgment” just so its practioners can work effectively with a wide range of stimulating, and sometimes disturbing, information.
Families have been torn apart by this psychological dynamic in a sometimes brutal clash of dichotomous positions. I’ve seen this more than a few times. A violator in the family has wrought it shame, perhaps public shame. The violator has perpetrated terrible things now known to the family.
Some family members revise their view of the individual and come to despise him, want nothing more to do with him, have sworn the individual out of their lives.
Other family (especially those who weren’t personally victimized by the individual) may “stand by” the individual, “retain” their faith and belief in him; and thus a rift between the “factions” occurs, adding another layer of nightmare to the trauma precipitated by the violating relative.
This is a preliminary examination of this very complicated subject, to be explored in further depth ahead.
Truthspeak:
Yeah, Home Instead sounds like a really good company. The lady I talked to told me how well the employees are screened. They go through multiple background checks, etc., etc. I know it’s never a guarantee, BUT…
We will see what happens. I will keep everyone posted about it. I just hope my mom doesn’t kick them out! Haha.
hens:
I agree and this is what I am trying to make everyone else realize. I cannot do it and am not really capable and I have to put my foot down.
Oxy:
They do lose their faculties in reverse. My grandmother ended up in the fetal position before she died from Alzheimer’s and this was my mom’s mom so it can be hereditary. Scary. High chance I will end up with it also. I pray all the time I do not lose my mind. I would rather be physically sick than mentally sick. A person becomes so vulnerable when they no longer have their mind. It’s awful.
It’s too bad your friend went through that with her mom and that she was heartbroken. Fortunately, I do understand that my mom is slowly becoming the mom I do not know. I know it’s the disease and not her. I think it will help me to not take it so personally. It will still be heartbreaking, but for other reasons.
one/joy:
So sorry you had a rough couple of days. My thoughts are with you as you battle this cancer.
sea storm:
Awesome post and you have raised some very important questions…a few in which I have thought before also. It’s a huge problem. My spath is being protected big time and he knows it. Sandusky knew it, too. They all know it and that’s how and why they become even more evil. They just keep getting away with whatever it is they are doing and they start to feel invincible and I think committing more and bigger crimes or horrible deeds against innocent people. It’s absolutely dreadful. I would love to hear more discussion on this. Thank you.
When I read this article in October, I cringed, since I think this applies to me. Staying loyal to the sociopath who “spares” me. Sorta spares me. Sometimes. My husband “D” of 30 years and counting.
I really, really needed this article and I have taken a few weeks to process it. I really appreciate the perspective as it helps me face my denial and “bargaining” that somehow it will all work out since “D” is being rather nice right now. I realize that I will need ongoing support through this situation and that final resolution will be easier said than done. I am grateful for LF because people here believe me and have experience and advice. I also get to write ”“ maybe too long sometimes ”“ but it’s awesome because no one can interrupt me and argue and I get to finish my thought.
So many red flags so early in the relationship but my sociopath mother could not stand him and he could not stand her. I thought it was perfect ! An escape with someone who did not lecture me even once about trying to maintain a relationship with my difficult mother. He was all encouraging and “I understand” and “don’t worry.” He had a good education with the promise of a stable future. What could possibly go wrong ?
Right then. Fast forward to 30 years later and I’m struggling with the cognitive dissonance on exactly this point ”“ he is not hurting me “right now.” I’ve had people tell me to “count my blessings” and “stop complaining.” When people say that I’m lucky to have a good job, it puts me into confusion that I may not really have a problem. When people say I’m lucky I don’t have children with him, it leads me to shut down emotionally since 2 pregnancies ended under negative circumstances and I never even got to meet my babies. When I think that he does look good to the community and he usually doesn’t bother me anymore, it lulls me into la la land.
But my husband has dark addictions, including subscriptions to violent pornography. I googled his online name and found that he blogs hours every day on left-wing sites railing against everything and showing his contempt of just about everyone. He truly considers himself to be superior and is disgusted with the 99.999 % of the world who are “beneath him.” He participates in activities which I believe are harmful to others ”“ specifically the porn sites that glorify demeaning and rape of very young women. He is on several dating sites most of the time. He hides all of this, even from me. This is where I mistakenly decided he was “protecting me” like this article talks about since he wasn’t coming to me anymore with his outrageous demands. I admit I had tried to follow along early in the marriage ”“ and by the way there was nothing before marriage to indicate anything amiss. I stopped at his wanting ongoing multiple partners in our home and I’m glad I stopped and drew boundaries because now I know that he would have just kept escalating anyway. Now I know that he wanted a respectable wife to cover for him.
Fairly soon after I discovered his addiction and participation in dark activities, I stopped paying bills from the joint account. He has his own back account which he said was all his although he never contributes to the joint account because he says it is too hard to transfer $$ between banks. So he has been angry about me expecting him to pay his part now and to pay his own credit card bills as I don’t want any part in subsidizing his dark addictions.
A few months ago, I confronted him because I basically wanted a fight. I wanted to pour out my frustration, anger, pain, righteous indignation at the real object of my fury ”“ him. He immediately escalated beyond his normal sarcasm to yelling at me and pushing me. Then it was as though it never happened. A few days after that, he asked how I was doing as he knew I had a “lot on my mind” ”“ with no concept that he had done anything wrong. Wow. This is not a normal relationship.
Then a few weeks ago, he went on an extended temper tantrum over nothing. Someone needed my help on a project which I had already completed and I just reminded them it was already done and that was fine. He went ballistic saying that I took too much time away from him, that I showed no consideration of him and that he was leaving. All that was probably a smoke screen to set up his leaving. I was kinda excited and happy about his going, but I didn’t show it. I kept a low profile while he was on his rampage. I lived in a household growing up that had violence from my mother, so temper tantrums, shoving and menacing don’t bother me that much, although they probably should. I’m thinking he was confident he had another place to go and / or someone else to subsidize him. Apparently that did not pan out as he suddenly was “over it” and announced that he had “fallen in love” with me all over again. Yeah, right. The “I love you” performance was more offensive than the temper tantrum, but I still played it cool. Calling me, texting me, so lovey-dovey. I’m sick of it.
So, I think resolution with be complicated and easier said than done. I checked into early retirement, but I would need a letter saying I am no longer needed for the program and they are not about to do that for me. I have 7 more years to go to get my 30 years. Yes ”“ I know ”“ count my blessings on job security. I’m so lucky ”“ whatever.
He is being very nice right now. He goes to the grocery store and runs all the errands, does the dishes and gets the cars serviced. He has had a stable job for a few years now and pays the bills and credit cards now, although he complains that I am “taking advantage of him.” He plans fun trips. I feel myself going back and forth in the “bargaining stage,” and thinking that he is not harming me right now. He “protects” me. But he hides dark addictions and I know he is unstable. I know as soon as the “coast is clear” after a fight, he goes right back to ranting on left-wing blogs and soliciting.
So – this is where I am for now. Glad to have the LF site that understands and advises. I want to have faith that I will get out when I can do so safely since I know this will not be a normal breakup. I was just “home for the holidays” (spath mother passed way a decade ago and I love my dad’s family although he is gone now, too). I love what one person at a gas station said to me. Total stranger ”“ but I was waiting in line and chatting about the weather in the Midwest where I was headed back to after the holidays. “What are you doing in the Midwest,” they asked. “I have a good job,” I said. Here is the gem: “We know you’ll get back home when you can.” They said that to me. Bless them. Bless you LF authors, readers and posters. I’m going to be around for awhile trying to survive and find my way forward.
OpalRose,
I’m in no position to judge or tell you how “lucky” you are, since I’ve never been where you are. I’ve never been married for 30 years and have no clue what it’s like. However, from what I read I find that what you are saying is difficult. I understand, in theory.
To me it seems like each time you set down a boundarie it becomes a powerstruggle to him. From what you are telling, I really don’t feel sorry for him at all. It is for me a matter of course, that he do the dishes and contributes to the common household. To me it seems like it takes a really strong woman to endure what you’ve been enduring for such a long period of time. Do what is right for you, in the end that is all that matters. You are slowly taking back your power by setting boundaries and that is really a very good thing.
Regarding his dark addictions, porn sites and smoke screens, that is not something I wouldn’t accept at all, but I know that issues at hand runs deeper than the eye can see. I really do hope this man don’t acts out his fantazies, something is certainly not right about him and even though he “spares” you my concerns awakes anyway. From what I read this man has and is abusing you. No one is “Lucky” to be abused wheter they have children with their spouses or not.
Dear Opal Rose,
Bargaining with the devil never wins you anything…and I think that is what you are bargaining with right now. Those DARK ADDICTIONS and that GRANDIOSE sense of self worth as 99.9999% of all people are beneath him is scary to me. I hope if nothing else you are making an “escape plan” about how you can escape from that relationship. Call a DV shelter and talk to them, ask about an attorney, save up some money, get copies of all your important papers (mortgage, insurance, birth certificates,, car titles & insurance, credit card accounts, etc) and put them in a safe deposit box. BE READY in case you need to leave in a HURRY. This guy sounds truly scary. Be careful and God bless.
OpalRose, the exspath that I’m divorcing has “dark addictions,” as well. And, a penchant for money. In fact, he set me up for a long-con to relieve me of my private investments – which he did.
OxD is spot-on: there is no bargaining with someone like your spouse. What you are living is a lie – a torturous lie and it will never, ever, EVER get better. The spouse is not a “good person” that can be redeemed. He’s punched his ticket, made his choices, and has opted for the Road To Ruin, and he’s going to take you with him, if he can.
Contact http://www.ndvh.org and learn what your options are, OpalRose. You are far too important to be lost to a predator like this man. Put together your exit bag, as OxD suggested, and get the fark OUT before you become another statistic.
Brightest blessings
Sunflower – Oxy – Truthspeak – thank you so much for your posts. I struggle with taking my situation seriously. Some people don’t think I have a problem. Thank you for helping me give myself permission to face the demon of Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde. He rarely shows me anything negative, but he has his hidden darkness. So even though he usually spares me these last few years, it’s still there, isn’t it ??
For awhile I cut him slack, and it bothers me how far I rationalized his behavior. Somehow, finding out that he actively solicits forced me to rethink my denial. Thank you for your help. So glad LF is here.