(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
It can be hard to hate or despise even the most terrible human being so long as he’s inflicted his cruelty on others, but spared you. Take a sociopathic relative, even a close one.
If somehow he compartmentalized his life, lived a “double life—”in any case, if you learned that he treated you (retrospectively even) with an exceptional, aberrant mercy that he denied his victims, you might very possibly remain “loyal” to him. You might still even “love” him.
Various defenses are pertinent—such as denial, dissociative and other self-deluding mechanisms. Gratitude may also be present, expressive of a different defense mechanism: the “monster,” after all, spared you, but not others. He exempted you from the cruel fate he inficted on them, who were helpless to protect themselves, as you were too, only he spared you. So it may seem as if he were somehow “protecting” you from the “demons” he unleashed on others.
This kind of analysis can engender, as I say, a form of “gratitude” and “loyalty” towards the victimizing individual; it is a variant of “identifying with the aggressor.”
Now it’s true that many, discovering the unseemly truth about someone close to them, even if they were spared the individual’s predations, will modify their view of the individual, bringing it into conformity with reality.
But not always.
I stress: sometimes the monster will retain his “backer.” And the chief point I stress is that his “backer” will probably be under the sway of twin, interrelated and twisted forces of logic—if he didn’t do this to me, then how could he have done this to them? And if he did it to them and not me, then he must have somehow “loved” me?
In either case, “I exculpate him.” In this way, I can remain “loyal” to him,without feeling I’ve transgressed my value system.
Thus disbelief (enabled by denial), mixed and confused with the fantasy of having been a special, exceptional object of his “love” (thanks to which he “amnestied” you from the cruel fate to which he subjected others) supports the rationalization to “stand by” him.
We are strange in the sense of this contradiction: on one hand, we are highly prone to judging others; on the other, we have the capacity to utilize defense mechanisms in the service of “withholding judgment” whenever the need arises.
We do both regularly—that is, regularly we relent to the tendency to judge, while often simultaneously exercising the detachment necessary to “not judge” sometimes disturbing individuals and their alarming stories of transgression.
Many professions, like that of psychotherapy, require the capacity to “suspend personal judgment” just so its practioners can work effectively with a wide range of stimulating, and sometimes disturbing, information.
Families have been torn apart by this psychological dynamic in a sometimes brutal clash of dichotomous positions. I’ve seen this more than a few times. A violator in the family has wrought it shame, perhaps public shame. The violator has perpetrated terrible things now known to the family.
Some family members revise their view of the individual and come to despise him, want nothing more to do with him, have sworn the individual out of their lives.
Other family (especially those who weren’t personally victimized by the individual) may “stand by” the individual, “retain” their faith and belief in him; and thus a rift between the “factions” occurs, adding another layer of nightmare to the trauma precipitated by the violating relative.
This is a preliminary examination of this very complicated subject, to be explored in further depth ahead.
Louise, Skylar and Slimone:
Thank you for reading my ex spath’s blog. It chills me to the bone how he uses words and his children as bait to catch his next victim. If you watched Donna on the Ricki Lake show the other day, the expert asked each woman if they talked to their spath on the phone. My spath always texted me. His words are his power. “I think of the way your kiss moves me.” He said the exact same thing to his victims after me. I am not crazy however sometime I acted crazy because of his manipulation and control. One night I looked at his phone and he went beserk and wrestled me to the ground. I called the police and they took ME to jail. Because he charmed the police and told them I was crazy and attacked him. I couldn’t believe it. Still can’t. I had bruises all over my arms the next day but they didn’t appear the night it happened. Then there was the morning that I was so frantic because he had broken up with me (again) and I had to get him back so I drove two hours to his house and got into a car accident. I was shaking so bad. When he would get angry at me and threaten to “be done” he would immediately take me off of Facebook as his girlfirend. That was just part of my punishment because he knew it hurt me. Why did it hurt me? Because deep down I knew Facebook was another medium for him to prey on women. He posts pictures of his kids like he is the greatest father on the planet when really he just uses his kids to prey on women. His kids have no chance. They don’t have any friends because he isolates them too. All they do is play video games all day long while his dad works on the computer trolling for women. I am not the worman he speaks about in his blog – that is one of the victims after me. Preying on women is his full time occupation. He has not worked in 3 years. He lost his job as a teacher because he had an inappropriate relationship with one of his students WHILE he was married to his third wife. His mother is a total enabler and pays his bills when he runs out of welfare and unemployment. I wish I could create a website warning women about him but that would take too much energy that I would rather spend elsewhere. When he was fired from the teaching job he said it was a conspiracy at the school because the superintendent didn’t like him. Then came the elaboarte lie about a boating accident where two of his friends died and he was the sole survivor and had to be rescued by helicopter. He constantly refers to his “accident” as when he stopped caring what others thought about him and knew he had to make each day count. Truth is he never cared what anyone thought of him because he is a spath. The sad part is, his ex-wife told me what he was and that he had been married 3 times and cheated on every woman he was with. She begged her job to hire him and they did. He lost that job too spending all of his time on Facebook, Twitter and MySpace trolling for women. Soon after they lost their home. The night after the domestic violence incident, I had barely returned home before I saw him trying to “hook up” with two other women. I am on my healing journey and in counselling. She diagnosed him spath and said he is textbook. Ladies, if you want to read the words of a spath – go to domesticstud.blogspot.com. Read it and weep!
DLD1965:
Wow! Yeah, my spath always texted me, too…NEVER called me. I think he called me ONE time…haha! They can say anything they want via text…it’s only words and we can’t see their face or hear their voice AND they can be texting multiple people at the same time. So the boating story was a lie? Because I think I remember hearing about a similar boating accident like that…it made national news…just wondered if that was him?? He really sounds like a piece of work…someone to stay FAR away from. I am glad you got away! Consider yourself blessed.
Louise. I am certain he heard about the boating accident and made it his own. He said it only made the local paper. And yes he would text me all day long but rarely wanted to talk on the phone. They use their words to manipulate. And if I didn’t text back immediately, I was up to no good. I could say I was at my daughter’s volleyball game and he would say “you have exactly two minutes to send me a pic or we are done.” The next text would be “one minute left” and then “30 seconds……” while I scrambled to take a pic and meet his deadline. SICK!
DLD1965:
What an idiot! Who does that? Especially when he was the one cheating! But that’s what they say…the one cheating will be the one accusing their partner of cheating. They are projecting their guilt onto the non cheating partner. SICK is right! I don’t think I will ever trust another man. I truly don’t think there are any good ones out there. I know some will disagree with me on that one, but I just don’t feel it to be true ever again. To me, they are fundamentally all the same. It’s really too bad…
DLD:
I’m so glad you escaped that freak. You are blessed to have learned this lesson and lived to tell about it. Keep learning, you will become a stronger and more resilient person for it.
Louise,
My spath only texted me as well, never called. He said he only texted because it was so much easier to lie over text. There you have it, they know what they are doing….
Sunflower:
Of course it’s so much easier to lie over text! They can be anything they want behind a screen. UGGHHHH. And he admitted that to you??? Something that happened to me though that always kind of bugged me is that the OW told me he would “call” her a lot. Hmmmmmm. But I have to believe that she was lying to me. I KNOW she was lying to me about other things so why not that? I have to think that she was trying to make me jealous by saying he was “calling” her when in reality he probably was not. Or who knows…maybe he was. Maybe that was his way to get at her at the time, but she also told me he would text her all day long…she said she had hundreds of texts. I never got that. I NEVER had hundreds. Also, she said that he would IM her allllll day long at work…she said she wondered how he ever got any work done and we are talking about a top executive here…he is really something let me tell you. Just writing this is making me realize I am not over it. I thought I was really getting there and I have come a long, long way, but it’s amazing how when you start thinking about it again or writing about it again, it all comes back and you have to ask yourself if you are over it at all?? 🙁
Oh, let me tell you, he admitted many, many things. I still wonder why he told me in the beginning. Why he would reveal himself to me. Maybe he just was unexperienced in his game or something.
Oh, I’m so sorry Louise, maybe my answer triggered you. It kinda confirmed the truth about them. Each time something confirms my suspicions the wound opens up again and I have to work through it all over again. The good thing is that I find it usefull, in case, one day the entire truth comes out. Then I won’t have a melt down because I’d allready been through it, piece by piece.
I know I got hundreds of text each day, but if I didn’t do as he wished, he’d stopped, just to make me nervous ( Silent treatment/discarding) . Keep in mind that the OW don’t see the truth about him, and people who don’t- esp. the ones who really want to be with him- would fight to get him for them selves. They too, are standing in their egoes. Do not completely believe her ( she would lie just so she could be with him ), but keep in mind that the spath could also use her to get to you. He knows it will hurt you when you compare your self to her. To him, your reaction will validate him as important and you would feel less about your self (breaking your selfworth down) . Then he would know that you are still under his control.
Write her off as an enabler.
Sunflower:
It’s OK. You didn’t trigger me…no worries. It’s just everything right now. My mom is begging me to come live with me and at this point, I feel like I have no choice. My life will be over if she comes here and I am already not in a good mental state. It will not be good, but my brothers don’t want anything to do with her and she is alone. She is 77 and has dementia or even first stage Alzheimer’s (no one knows because she refuses to go to a doctor). So it’s like leaving a five year old to roam around in a house alone. It’s a horrible situation and now she is begging and I mean BEGGING me to come live with me 400 miles away from her. I feel backed in a corner. I just want to cry. She just called me and it was only 8:30AM because she doesn’t even know how to work the thermostat (typical of her disease) and she was cold. It’s probably only 30 degrees there. SIGH. I feel defeated. I feel like my entire life I always did what everyone else wanted me to do and it continues. I turned 49 two weeks ago and it’s still the same. I don’t want her to come here, but the guilt of rejecting her is too much. It breaks my heart that she is alone. Her moving to an assisted living place where she lives is out of the question…she refuses. She refuses everything. What do you do? And then she is going to be living with me refusing everything…SIGH. I am at my wits end. Please HELP!!!!!!!
Thanks for your advice about OW. She was lying to me; no doubt. She wanted to make me jealous and she most definitely wanted him, but she kept telling me it was over between them when in reality she was pursuing him like crazy and obsessed with him. She was a mess. I don’t know if you know my story, but it was so bad, I left my career to get away from her and him. I gave up everything and I had a REALLY good job. But do they care?? Of course not!!!!!! She was just as bad as he is. She is an spath too or if not, she is at the least extremely narcissistic. Attention seeking, insecure, etc. Flaunts her body all the time to get attention from men. And all the men want her because she makes it that way. Plus, she is married!!! Sick…all of them.
No I don’t know your story at all. I know bits and pieces of most members here, but not the entire.
I don’t know what I’d do in your situation with your mom, I’ve never experienced it. Difficult decision. However I do know the feeling of being stuck. I had a hard time yesterday, I felt so angry that my life’s been stuck or frozen in time for at least 10 yrs. I want change and I’m so sick of never getting nowhere. It’s always the same. The same responsibility, same kind of men, friends and so on, but I do believe if I keep working with my self, it will change and in some areas it’s beginning to change. I just have to let time work its magic.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice regarding your mom.