(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
It can be hard to hate or despise even the most terrible human being so long as he’s inflicted his cruelty on others, but spared you. Take a sociopathic relative, even a close one.
If somehow he compartmentalized his life, lived a “double life—”in any case, if you learned that he treated you (retrospectively even) with an exceptional, aberrant mercy that he denied his victims, you might very possibly remain “loyal” to him. You might still even “love” him.
Various defenses are pertinent—such as denial, dissociative and other self-deluding mechanisms. Gratitude may also be present, expressive of a different defense mechanism: the “monster,” after all, spared you, but not others. He exempted you from the cruel fate he inficted on them, who were helpless to protect themselves, as you were too, only he spared you. So it may seem as if he were somehow “protecting” you from the “demons” he unleashed on others.
This kind of analysis can engender, as I say, a form of “gratitude” and “loyalty” towards the victimizing individual; it is a variant of “identifying with the aggressor.”
Now it’s true that many, discovering the unseemly truth about someone close to them, even if they were spared the individual’s predations, will modify their view of the individual, bringing it into conformity with reality.
But not always.
I stress: sometimes the monster will retain his “backer.” And the chief point I stress is that his “backer” will probably be under the sway of twin, interrelated and twisted forces of logic—if he didn’t do this to me, then how could he have done this to them? And if he did it to them and not me, then he must have somehow “loved” me?
In either case, “I exculpate him.” In this way, I can remain “loyal” to him,without feeling I’ve transgressed my value system.
Thus disbelief (enabled by denial), mixed and confused with the fantasy of having been a special, exceptional object of his “love” (thanks to which he “amnestied” you from the cruel fate to which he subjected others) supports the rationalization to “stand by” him.
We are strange in the sense of this contradiction: on one hand, we are highly prone to judging others; on the other, we have the capacity to utilize defense mechanisms in the service of “withholding judgment” whenever the need arises.
We do both regularly—that is, regularly we relent to the tendency to judge, while often simultaneously exercising the detachment necessary to “not judge” sometimes disturbing individuals and their alarming stories of transgression.
Many professions, like that of psychotherapy, require the capacity to “suspend personal judgment” just so its practioners can work effectively with a wide range of stimulating, and sometimes disturbing, information.
Families have been torn apart by this psychological dynamic in a sometimes brutal clash of dichotomous positions. I’ve seen this more than a few times. A violator in the family has wrought it shame, perhaps public shame. The violator has perpetrated terrible things now known to the family.
Some family members revise their view of the individual and come to despise him, want nothing more to do with him, have sworn the individual out of their lives.
Other family (especially those who weren’t personally victimized by the individual) may “stand by” the individual, “retain” their faith and belief in him; and thus a rift between the “factions” occurs, adding another layer of nightmare to the trauma precipitated by the violating relative.
This is a preliminary examination of this very complicated subject, to be explored in further depth ahead.
Louise,
What a tough situation with your mom! I hope you can have some space to sort it out and come to a way of handling it that will work for YOU especially. I could be in your shoes soon — not at this time, but I see that day coming, possibly. I have a 77yo mom with stroke damage/possible early dementia, I’m 50, but for now my dad is still living (older) and able to (barely) take care of both of them. Who knows what will happen or when. It IS a lot of pressure and obligation and feelings of resentment and exhaustion and duty — in my case, I love my mom and made peace with any disagreements I had from earlier years, but I am exhausted by years of the spath and caretaking for others and not having my needs met, and the thought of spending the rest of my life doing the same thing is very disheartening.
Sometimes “refusing” is a way of manipulating the caretakers to step in and take responsibility above and beyond…. I have thought sometimes, I do things because “well, SOMEBODY has to do it, and obviously NO ONE ELSE is stepping up to the plate…. so I guess MY NAME just got called…. I HAVE to….”
but then…. what if *I* refused, too? Just food for thought.
I wish you strength and good judgment as you wrangle with this situation and decision, Louise. No easy answers!
or sometimes…. “I care a lot about the situation you are in (person in need), and I wish I could do what you are asking, but I am afraid I cannot (these are my boundaries). HOWEVER, I CAN offer some assistance in any of the following (1, 2, 3….) ways. Please let me know if you would like this help….”
that has worked for me in many situations. I am not sure, however, that it would be something I could do in the case of my mom, I do feel such a duty towards her (though she herself has refused many times to help me in some ways that would have been helpful, and instead bailed my sister out in those very same ways…. yet, her refusal to help ME has ended up, I think, supporting me to become the ‘self-reliant” one while my sister is a needy, dependent mess.
Louise, sorry to hear what you are going through with your mother. Your post generates more questions for me but here are a few suggestions. First, there should be some sort of elder services where your mother lives. There are nonprofits but also people who run private agencies. Years ago, my mother’s best friend ran such a private agency. At the time my boss, who was an only child, needed help with his mother who was starting to decline after his father’s death. He said I need a sister for hire! and as it happens, my mother’s friend was in the same city and her firm was able to help him get appropriate care and support for his mother. Sadly, my mother’s friend (and my de facto aunt) is now the one with dementia who needs the help but fortunately she moved to an appropriate facility right before she started a precipitous decline. She had 3 children but only one is really capable of helping their mother and I do what I can to give her mostly emotional support.
Unfortunately, one way or another, this is probably the beginning of tables turning and you need to make sure you take care of yourself. Much depends on what financial resources you and your family have but it strikes me that the first place you need to establish a firm boundary with your mother is around getting a diagnosis and care. Tell her that you will not be able to be helpful to her (including consideration of having her come live with you) unless all of you have a better understanding of what’s going on. Maybe you can offer to visit your mother and go to doctor’s appointments with her.
I don’t know what sort of personality your mother has but my mother, whom I characterize as a benign N, generally responds well when I set boundaries around these kinds of issues. Her core issues, I believe, are around emotional neglect she felt from her mother when she was a toddler. So she responds well to boundaries that are set in a loving but firm manner as one would do with a small child.
I hope this helps.
Sunflower:
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and I also appreciate you for realizing that because you are not in my situation, you wouldn’t know what to do. It’s hard when a parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s and to have them live with you. They need skilled care. A lot of friends have their mom’s live with them, but those mom’s do not have this disease. It’s so easy for them to tell me what to do when they do not know what I am dealing with. This has really upset me in the past few days as not only am I dealing with a mom begging me to live here, I am dealing with friends telling me that is what I should do yet they have no concept of the situation.
20years:
Exactly! My whole life I have spent doing what others want me to do. Now I am almost 50 and I still feel like I am going to cave in and do what every one else feels I should do and take care of my mom. It’s not that I don’t want to take care of her, but I am not equipped or trained to do so, but yet everyone is giving me flack…from my brothers to my friends…WTF??? I am so upset. I just went and drank my lunch! And last night before I went to bed, I took a Neurontin. It’s mainly for seizures, but my Gyno gave it to me for hot flashes and to sleep better. That is the new indication for this medicine. I Googled it and it’s true. The Pharmacist didn’t even know about it…haha! At first I was afraid to take it, but it’s a really low dose and it does nothing to me except make me a bit drowsy…not even a lot drowsy. So maybe I will just drug and drink my way through it…haha. That’s not me, but at this point, I feel like it might actually help me.
Anyway, I don’t have my dad anymore as you still have. Actually, that’s when ALL the trouble started. My dad died over four years ago. They had been married for 56 years and together all the time so ever since he died, my mom has never been the same and of course, it only gets worse, it does not get better. Take comfort in knowing that at least your dad is still here to help with your mom even if it’s not the best right now. They still have each other. Once one of them goes, everything changes…everything.
What you suggested in your second post is what I am already doing being that I am 400 miles away. I drive there four times a year which is 4,000 miles of driving by the time I count in all the driving I do while I am actually there…I call her every single day and sometimes multiple times a day…I send cards and gifts. When I am there, we go grocery shopping and stock up on all the food she needs…we buy her new clothes…I clean…I do whatever I can, when I can. But she wants more because she is afraid to live alone and that breaks my heart yet she refuses to go to an assisted living home. It’s soooooo frustrating.
Thanks for your help.
Sparklehorse:
Thank you. I am going to call an agency near her home and find out what they can do. But I am really afraid that she won’t even let them in her home. We will see. All I can do is make the call. If she doesn’t let them in, there is nothing I can do about that. As you can see, she is extremely stubborn and the disease is making her defiant…she is not very compliant at all. Setting boundaries with her does not work at all and one reason being is because she doesn’t even remember what you just talked to her about. Another thing I see happening is that when you do talk with her, she is not retaining anything. Nothing. You can talk and try to explain things to her until you are blue in the face and she just doesn’t get it…nothing is sinking in. It’s an extremely frustrating situation. I will see if she will agree to go to a doctor to get a diagnosis. She has refused all the other attempts. I have figured out why. She is cognizant enough that she knows if she goes to the doctor, they are going to recognize that she has a problem and I think she is deathly afraid she will be put away. Sigh.
I really appreciate your suggestions!! Thank you!!!
Dear Louise,
I am so sorry for your circumstances. In my opinion there is no way she can come to you as it will be detrimental for both of you. To care 24/7/365 for one person with dementia means to have someone around all the time. And it will not get better as with little children who grow and become more independent, but the other way round. Furthermore it was very clever of nature that young people get children so they can cope with sleepless nights and multitasking and the like. (just in case your siblings say “make no fuss, it is like caring for children”).
A day has 24 hours, that means 3 shifts of 8 hours, and to cover this you need a dedicated group of 8 people around in the long run (weekends, holidays, sickness, vacations and the like). You can take care for one person this way alone for some weeks, but people with dementia decline slowly over years, so you will face a marathon or even a double or ultra marathon.
Old trees should not be moved, this is true with trees but also with old people. Your mom has her friends and daily routines there, and she will much more have to rely on you because she does not know anybody but you.
Is she on medicare? Has she some medical support? I would call them to go and have a look at her, and when she is refusing any help and when there is danger that she is a danger to herself (and from your description it seems very much so!) she can be transferred to a hospital (even against her will) for further investigation, at least in our country.
This is not about you and your boundaries, but it is strictly about your mother and her wellbeing, that will deterriorate even faster if she moves with you.
Moving in with “the daughter” was once upon a time possible when there were big houses with lots of people around (think “The Waltons”), women did stay home, there were lots of relatives around so the 8 people could easily look after granny who was a little weird. But nowadays things have changed. Does she have savings? Maybe she will have to use it for going to a special institution. Are there social workers where your mum lives? Maybe you could call them for advise. Do not talk about yourself and your boundary issues, but about the dementia of your mother, “The old tree transplant desaster” and the difficult situation of yourself being unfortunately so far away, and that you are very concerned about your inability to have your mother stay with you.
I wish you all the best! You cannot take the burden of 8 people working hard shifts over a long time, nobody can. ((((Hugs))))
Dear Louise, I forgot one important thing.
It is crucial to sort out which type of dementia your mum has, as there exist different therapies for different dementias, specially early in the course, to slow down the decline of the cerebral function (which leads to caretakers who supervise the therapy i.e. that the patient is taking the pills correctly). You may discuss this as well with the local health care people of your mother’s. (((Hugs)))
libelle:
Thank you. I will reply later.
Louise,
I am so sorry to hear that you are under so much pressure from your brothers, your mom, and also your friends. WTF, indeed!
I think Libelle and Sparklehorse are giving you great advice.
What’s coming to me about the situation is that worry over it is driving you to drink!!!! etc. LOL. I guess what I mean is that is a clear indication that you are being pushed to do something that doesn’t align with who you are and what you believe your purpose or direction is. Those kinds of things NEVER end well. I just mean…. it’s a symptom (the self medication) to get you to recognize that perhaps having your mom move in with you is not going to work. (reverse hyperbole, there)
(I’ve been there; no disrespect intended)
Also, you very clearly state that you are not “equipped or trained” to do this sort of work. Well — that’s it, then, isn’t it?
I once got roped into taking care of my mom after some serious surgery, who had been discharged from the hospital too soon (against medical advice) because SHE didn’t want to be there, and she needed “expert” nursing care, but SHE didn’t want strangers taking care of her, so the nurse came ONE TIME to show me what to do with her IV and meds and syringes and stuff, and I WAS SO ILL EQUIPPED to handle this, plus my mom’s crying in pain because I apparently didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t warm up the meds enough before injecting them. Jeez!!!!!
So I get what you mean about not being trained or equipped.
I should have said no to that request/demand/begging, but I thought I HAD to. Because I am a “loving daughter.”
i learned from that experience and since then have felt more confident in speaking up to say “no” when someone tells me I am the one person who MUST do something (because they don’t want to? because they want to direct me? etc.).
I might be coming across very snarly right now — sorry about that. I really feel for you, in the position you are in. You are giving off strong signals here that you really don’t want to do this, you don’t feel qualified, you don’t have enough of YOU to do this (as libelle put it so well — you cannot be 8 people in a sustained way, only in a temporary way).
it sounds so unfair, what they are demanding of you. They either don’t have a clue what they are asking of you, or they are trying to take advantage of you. Either way, it sounds like no one is going to speak up for you or your mom except YOU.
And the others are right — if you are not equipped to be your mom’s round the clock caregiver for the rest of her life, then it is not a kindness to HER to uproot her and move her 400 miles away from her community to a situation that is bound to head in a bad direction.
========
This is taking a slightly different perspective. Mind you, I know I could find myself in the same position in a couple of short years, so I don’t presume to tell anyone else how to run their life. I have no idea what i will do, when/if that time comes.
BUT:
generally speaking, I have found that I have the worst results (and end up being taken advantage of) when I am at my most TENTATIVE in my responses to people. I am more “mushy,” more “pliable,” and as people say, people will push you AS FAR AS YOU LET THEM. So if you are mushy, or tentative, they will just keep pushing until you push back.
Conversely, I have also found (through experimenting and learning) that the firmer I am, they seriously back off. And I have experimented with getting firmer and firmer and I am prepared to get as firm as it takes — a lot firmer than I ever thought I *could* be.
so, if you need more time and space to consider this (with or without alcohol and drugs, but I recommend without — it sounds like that is a way of giving yourself some artificial space from the pressure, which I understand) — then tell everyone to just back off, and butt out. Tell your mom, “call your sons — I am going on vacation. I will be back in 10 days. You won’t be able to reach me.” Then don’t answer the phone. (that’s just a metaphor — your reality might be different)
Or if you decide the answer is no:
“I’m sorry, but the answer is no. I am not equipped nor trained. I have a fulltime job and mom needs round the clock care. I live alone and would have no outside support. I absolutely cannot take this on. It is not fair to her or to me. It would be a disaster for mom and me, despite what you all may think. Let’s get mom evaluated and get her the care that she needs. This is a difficult situation, but I cannot take it on alone. You will have to help. her moving in with me is NOT an option. Now that it is no longer an option, let’s look at other options.”