(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
It can be hard to hate or despise even the most terrible human being so long as he’s inflicted his cruelty on others, but spared you. Take a sociopathic relative, even a close one.
If somehow he compartmentalized his life, lived a “double life—”in any case, if you learned that he treated you (retrospectively even) with an exceptional, aberrant mercy that he denied his victims, you might very possibly remain “loyal” to him. You might still even “love” him.
Various defenses are pertinent—such as denial, dissociative and other self-deluding mechanisms. Gratitude may also be present, expressive of a different defense mechanism: the “monster,” after all, spared you, but not others. He exempted you from the cruel fate he inficted on them, who were helpless to protect themselves, as you were too, only he spared you. So it may seem as if he were somehow “protecting” you from the “demons” he unleashed on others.
This kind of analysis can engender, as I say, a form of “gratitude” and “loyalty” towards the victimizing individual; it is a variant of “identifying with the aggressor.”
Now it’s true that many, discovering the unseemly truth about someone close to them, even if they were spared the individual’s predations, will modify their view of the individual, bringing it into conformity with reality.
But not always.
I stress: sometimes the monster will retain his “backer.” And the chief point I stress is that his “backer” will probably be under the sway of twin, interrelated and twisted forces of logic—if he didn’t do this to me, then how could he have done this to them? And if he did it to them and not me, then he must have somehow “loved” me?
In either case, “I exculpate him.” In this way, I can remain “loyal” to him,without feeling I’ve transgressed my value system.
Thus disbelief (enabled by denial), mixed and confused with the fantasy of having been a special, exceptional object of his “love” (thanks to which he “amnestied” you from the cruel fate to which he subjected others) supports the rationalization to “stand by” him.
We are strange in the sense of this contradiction: on one hand, we are highly prone to judging others; on the other, we have the capacity to utilize defense mechanisms in the service of “withholding judgment” whenever the need arises.
We do both regularly—that is, regularly we relent to the tendency to judge, while often simultaneously exercising the detachment necessary to “not judge” sometimes disturbing individuals and their alarming stories of transgression.
Many professions, like that of psychotherapy, require the capacity to “suspend personal judgment” just so its practioners can work effectively with a wide range of stimulating, and sometimes disturbing, information.
Families have been torn apart by this psychological dynamic in a sometimes brutal clash of dichotomous positions. I’ve seen this more than a few times. A violator in the family has wrought it shame, perhaps public shame. The violator has perpetrated terrible things now known to the family.
Some family members revise their view of the individual and come to despise him, want nothing more to do with him, have sworn the individual out of their lives.
Other family (especially those who weren’t personally victimized by the individual) may “stand by” the individual, “retain” their faith and belief in him; and thus a rift between the “factions” occurs, adding another layer of nightmare to the trauma precipitated by the violating relative.
This is a preliminary examination of this very complicated subject, to be explored in further depth ahead.
I thought this quote from the movie was interesting: (I paraphrase) One of AH minions asked another, “What is it about this girl? Meaning, why did this one girl have such a poweful effect on him, ie, why was he obsessed with her?
The answer: No matter what he throws at her; no matter how he provokes her, she makes him believe he can never hurt her….”
That’s an interesting twist on gray rock….Gray rock can be a challenge to a spath and provoke a spath. It always gets worse before it gets better, because they will always up the ante in an attempt to break you. It can be like waving a flag in front of a bull…..
Kim,
it’s true, gray rock has to be deployed very carefully. I’m not very good at it myself. I like poking at spaths too much. Even killing them with kindness, is fun. Gray rock is boring. Gray rock is blending in with the scenery.
In the gray rock article, I did write a caveat: if the spath is determined to do you in, gray rock can only buy you some time. You have to escape somehow, eventually.
Louise,
I’m so sorry for your situation. It’s seems like you’ve gotten very good advice here, though.
Also, you might be able to keep track of your mom, using technology. Cameras that you can watch on the internet, and other stuff, like remote control of the thermostat, and gps tracking on her, can all help you monitor your mom without actually having to be there.
I can’t help but think that your mother is very lonely and is using her “mental incompetence” for attention. I know an 80 year old woman, who is married to a much younger man (about 60) and she has been diagnosed with alzheimers. But I’ve spent some time with her and she is EXTREMELY manipulative. So much so that I didn’t catch on for a couple of years. Then it all came to light. She likes to manipulate people’s emotions and she likes to TRIANGULATE relationshits. Though it may be true that she forgets things, I think she plays it up so others don’t notice.
There are other dynamics in your family. You are no longer working and a “lady of leisure”. You may have incited the envy of your siblings.
Boundaries are the only things I can recommend. Remember not to take more responsibility than you have power. I’m always surprised how well things work out when I DON’T act.
Louise,
One piece of wisdom I’ve come across which I have found and am finding very helpful, is that people are better off when we are each allowed to fulfill our individual purposes. This also speaks to people being better off when we take the focus off pointing the finger at someone else (blaming, guilt-tripping) and focusing on ourselves and our own life purposes. To not interfere with others’ life purposes or directions, and to take the reins of our own lives. This doesn’t mean we are all isolated individuals who do not care about or support each other. I think of it kind of like trees that are allowed to grow to their full shape, spaced far enough apart that the unfolding can happen without being stunted by being in the shadow of another, or roots tangled together. Maybe our branches can touch or we wave at each other, we appreciate the beauty of each other and encourage each other to grow, to Be Who We Are.
I know a lot of us did not grow up this way, with this lesson, and I’m one of those who is having to learn it much later in life. Oh well. But I’m taking my lesson very seriously and also I guess it maybe “means more” to me because I’ve lived the contrast, of being invalidated, guilt-tripped, blamed, shamed, abused in several ways, and I never knew that I played a part in it or had the power to make it stop.
(I’m not saying that vulnerable children have total power to make it stop). And in my case, my “miseducation” as a child is what led me to be vulnerable as an adult, to be unaware of my own power.
Anyhow, back to your situation. Oxy is absolutely right. No one can make you feel guilty without you going along with it. They can try to lay the guilt trip on you, but if you don’t grab hold of it and accept it, then it won’t work.
But you are exhausted and worn down. Be careful, because that is when bad decisions are made! You sound like you really do know what you want and don’t want, but for some reason you are placing yourself in a vulnerable position with “friends” who do not yet realize that they are overstepping (see paragraph 1 above). Whose life is this, anyhow? They would not be living the reality that you would be living, with your mother there.
and clearly you know that she has this progressive dementia. So many people do not know what that is like. I thought the movie, “Away From Her” was a pretty good illustration of how a beloved family member can sometimes be that person, and sometimes not that person. I think of it with my own mom…. some days she is “mom” and some days she is “not-mom.” It’s very hard, it’s painful for the family member when they are in their “not-mom” moments, which can sneak up on you quickly. And then back comes lucid “mom” again and you think, “maybe I was wrong. Maybe she’s fine.”
It’s really hard, really heartbreaking. I know my mom has been scared and frustrated, and she lashes out. I now have learned NOT to take it personally, but it took me a few years after her stroke for me to really “get” that and not just sort of get it — but really get it, so I didn’t emotionally react when she would say “negative” or rude things to me.
I had a grandfather who lived to be very old. He lived in his same small town until he died. At the very end, he had round the clock, non-family member caregivers. He was an abusive man to his family (at times, not all the time) and charming to everyone else. There is no way that family could have looked after him. And no one (outsiders) understood why the family did not take him in. But he got MUCH BETTER CARE from strangers than he would have from us. This was the LOVING APPROACH, actually.
I am (sigh) wondering if you are having some of the same issues I have had…. I have had “friends” who have not lived any of my types of experiences, and over the years, although we have a “history” with each other of many pleasant times, sharing the raising of our kids, etc., I have become more “myself,” more centered through my experiences and working hard to learn these lessons of life, and I have become less willing and interested to engage in the game of “you SHOULD do this!” or “OMG! Can you believe what SHE did!” (like celebrity watching, kind of). I have just outgrown it, and they apparently have not (yet?), so it is tough. I have maybe only one actual friend now who is a good listener, who allows me to talk and work out my problems for myself, expressing only empathy for my plight, but not trying to fix it, solve it, guilt me or tell me what I should think or feel. The others, though, there is NO POINT IN TALKING TO THEM.
But I have found that I have good friends here on Lovefraud. You do, too.
Louise,
I also hear you saying that people (your mom, your brothers, your friends) are not listening to you, and that you “cannot make them listen.”
that is true. You CAN’T make people listen if they don’t want to or cannot.
It is not YOU. It is not your failure to get them to hear you. That is one of the things, I think, that Jesus would say, “this message is for people who have ears to hear and eyes to see” or something like that — otherwise, they won’t hear or see it.
But it is not like, your JOB to make other people hear what you are saying or listen.
Though, it IS a very lonely thing to not be heard or seen. this is what I have posted about before, recently, where I said I realized kind of late in life that what I REALLY want/need more than anything, is to be fully known by someone who has the desire to know me (not just their version of me, but the real me), and fully accepted as the me that I am, in any given moment. It is a very freeing thing. Otherwise, very lonely, very restrictive, very rejecting, very invalidating.
how awful — I mean truly awful — if the people in your life (your mom possibly excepted because of her degenerative illness) are not realizing that there’s a real “Louise” in there and she is just fine as she is. No “shoulds” or “buts.” You are perfectly fine, just as you are.
So think about that. And then, if you truly deep within yourself believe that having your mother move in with you would be a mistake, then express that somewhat firmly.
they won’t take “NO” for an answer? OK, well then what? Are your brothers going to go and bodily move your mother 400 miles and show up on your step and drop her off? Would that happen? I think you may have some power here.
“It seems like you are not hearing my “no” answer. As long as you cannot hear what I am saying about this, we will not be able to move forward on finding a workable solution and good situation for mom.”
I bet you went to your “friends” for some support and instead got more of the same pressure, perhaps you didn’t see that coming, or perhaps you already kind of knew what you were likely to get from your friends but had no one else to talk to.
But this decision (to have her move in with you or not) lies entirely in your hands. No one can make you take her in without your consent.
“Consent” by the way is a very interesting concept. It is one key to how spaths do their evil (I’m not saying this is a spath situation tho). Mostly we give consent in ignorance. Because they trick us. (why would we ever agree to it otherwise?) It is why they ARE wolves in sheep’s clothing.
So you draw a protective circle around yourself (this is your boundary, in other words), and that is as far as they will get. You say, “I do NOT consent to this.” (this is a visualization or meditation exercise that can be helpful to you…. as you discover your personal power, how to wield it, and no I’m not talking about anything occult though it could also be viewed that way).
People who try to manipulate others through guilt trips or blame shifting, especially trying to manipulate kind-hearted, generous people, whether these manipulative people are spaths or not, ARE using THEIR personal power. So don’t be defenseless; you have power, too. Once you see this, you will feel a lot stronger and less vulnerable, like steering your ship into calmer waters so you have space to breathe and think and Be.
skylar:
Thanks for the technology tips. Hmmmm, didn’t think of those.
Funny you should mention the manipulations. The friend I drank my lunch with yesterday…I told him exactly that. I told him that despite my mom’s illness and me realizing that most of the time she doesn’t know what she is talking about, that I really thought that at certain times she was manipulating me…it was clear. I think on a certain level she knows exactly what she is doing. She is extremely lonely and it is sad, but she also refuses to do anything with anyone. I am thinking about maybe an adult daycare for her where she gets picked up and goes and spends the day somewhere. For her, it wouldn’t even have to be everyday. I think if she could do something like that just 2-3 days a week, it would help her a lot. If she would only agree to do it.
Oh, you bet I have incited the envy of my siblings!!!! There is no doubt about that. And not only my siblings, but my friends! Hmmmm, no wonder they get pissy with me sometimes…they are jealous that I am free and they are still working. Sorry, but I can’t help I was blessed to be able to make that decision. But I see how leaving my job opened me up to all kind of other things…the envy from people and the notion from my siblings that now that I don’t work, I am free to take care of mom. Sometimes I really do regret leaving my job all because of spath. What was wrong with me that I let someone like him and the OW dictate my whole life and my career?? But there is nothing I can do about it now. It is done and I am free of all their drama and for that I am thankful. Everything has its pros and cons and this is certainly one of those things. Funny, the lady I work for on a very limited part-time basis called me EXACTLY that…”lady of leisure.” I think she was jealous, too!
20years:
Truly. People who don’t understand Alzheimer’s or have had to deal with it have no idea. It is not something that can be dealt with at home especially in the end stages…that is almost impossible. My mom is far from that, but it will progress. Yes, there are times when she is totally lucid and I think, “Where did that come from?” I think just what you said…maybe she’s OK. And then the realization quickly comes back that she is not. My mom does the same thing yours did…she gets scared and frustrated and she lashes out, but I know what’s going on. But knowing what is going on does not help knowing how to cope with it. It’s still frustrating no matter where the source is coming from.
Yep, no point in talking to them. That is where I somewhat am. I will talk to them because they are my friends, but I have decided that I will no longer divulge things about my family or even my feelings about spath any longer. What’s the point?? I feel actually that what I am saying is only being used against me and that is very hurtful coming from friends. Be careful everyone in what you say to people…I have learned the hard way. Yeah, I didn’t see it coming and it was hurtful. Perplexing.
Boy, trick us they did! You are right…we WERE tricked. Who would go along with something if they KNEW they were being duped? Tricked ever so cleverly. That is evil when someone is that slick.
Power to the empaths!!!!!!!!!!!!
Louise,
Recently I had to make the decision to put down a dog that has hip dysplasia.
There are “treatments” for this condition, even up to and including full hip replacements (just like in humans and costs as much too!) but REALISTICALLY a dog that is large, VERY ACTIVE and is bred to be a “working” dog is not going to benefit from FORCED rest (it makes them go psycho) and anti-inflammatory medications eat up their stomachs even if given with food, plus, the dog is not useful for work, and will still require a hour a day of mental training and stimulation at a minimum. And for what? A dog that when they get to the point that one leg is gone completely, they walk on the other one and it goes down too, so now they are crippled in both back legs…
“should” I wait until the dog gets in this condition before I make the decision to put her down?
“Should” I wait until she is crying in pain before I put her down?
“Should” I keep her in her crate “resting” so her legs don’t deteriorate more quickly and make her active mind atropy?
I made the decision to put her down….my vet agreed with me that it was BEST to put her down. She is not a dog that is a “Pet” she is a trained working dog, she would not be appropriate for anyone but an experienced dog handler to keep, she is bred to be “ADHD,” active to the MAX, and experienced dog handlers are not likely to want to adopt a dog that is going to need lots of time, attention, money and care….until it becomes so crippled it can’t walk at all.
The decision was difficult for me to make, as this dog has everything that makes her a great working dog, highly trained for her job, everything that is except good legs, but then “friends” started calling and wanting to talk about “have you thought about this option?”
Well, yes, I actually have and it isn’t a good one because……”
“Well, what about this other option?”
“My vet agrees that the best thing is to put her down.”
“Well there is this great vet in Montana that I know who treats dogs with this problem and you could take her up there….”
And so on…. a couple of the people were insisting so much that I finally had to tell them “the decision has been made. It was MY decision to make, NOT yours, and it is NOT open to further discussion.”
When WE have a decision that directly effects us, we may want to discuss it with our friends and others whose opinions we respect, BUT the uLtimate DECISION is OURS. If other people have opinions about what WE should do, then if we want to we can listen but we are NOT obligated to do what anyone else says we “should” do.
Oxy:
Thank you so much for this post. I am so sorry about your dog. I know that is not an easy decision, but your dog is in peace now and you did the right thing.
Your thoughts here really have made me see the light even more. You couldn’t be more closer to the truth. The decision is MINE. It is not anyone else’s life. I certainly would NEVER tell them what to do with one of their family members. I just wouldn’t. That is not how I am and mainly because it is none of my business. Only THEY know what they are dealing with and who would I be to tell them to do something differently? I expect the same respect from them.
Thank you so much.
Louise, what I thought of when I read about your dillemna with you mom was this: Your roles have been reversed. You are now the authority and she is the dependant child. It is your responsibility to make the right decision. It isn’t up to mom. She isn’t in a position to refuse. Would you allow a toddlar to refuse to stay out of the street? Of course not. Would you allow a toddlar to refuse to go to a Doctor when she’s sick? No. You might have to drag her, kicking and screaming, but you would do it, for her own good.
Would you leave a toddlar alone in your house while you went about your business? No.
I think you have every reason to resist having your mother live with you. It wouldn’t be good for either one of you. The adult day-care idea sounds good. What about a residential care facsility in your area?