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By | August 28, 2015 46 Comments

Maintaining No Contact with a Sociopath

Boundaries?  I Don’t Know What Those Are

It’s amazing how even after years and months go by of you making it perfectly clear what kind of contact you want with the sociopath, they don’t reciprocate your boundaries.  I think it’s just mind boggling over and over again in my mind that this concept of boundaries is so foreign to them, and they have no means, let alone intentions, of adhering to them.

I mean normal people who find out other people don’t want them to contact them anymore, just…stop.  But the sociopath does the exact opposite.  They continue to push buttons, push boundaries, push limits.  There is a constant alertness on the part of the person that set up the boundaries against the sociopath to continue to re-evaluate the boundaries the sociopath has crossed.  In addition, they have to set up the right proximity in the first place to derail the sociopath’s ability to get around the boundaries on the onset.

Like they say, “if at first you don’t succeed, try again.”  I find that I am at my best when the sociopath doesn’t exist by maintaining no contact, or minimal contact when a child is involved.  This week there were trigger points going off like the Fourth of July.

Going to Court…Again

This week I had a trial hearing that the sociopath perpetuated by not taking a plea because he violated my order of protection.  So down to the courthouse I go to face him yet again.  I had support with me, and I tried my best to prepare myself, but I found as I was walking into the court room, that I lost it.

I just said with tears coming down my face, taking a couple steps back away from the door, “I don’t want to do this.”  After a couple minutes, I was able to regain my composure and walk through those doors.

Court was all it was expected to be.  A defense attorney in my face while I’m on the witness stand, badgering me for something I already went through once.  Now I had to re-live it again in front of a judge and of course the sociopath.

I could feel his eyes on me even although I chose not to look at him at all.  The damn thing was so convoluted.  The defense attorney would ask me questions and I would smirk a bit and respond, “Well that’s a complicated question.”

There aren’t really yes’ and no’s with sociopaths.  They make everything so chaotic, its hard to unravel what happened first because so many things happened that were INSANE.  Unfortunately the judge dismissed the case against the sociopath, as I’m not surprised, for lack of the burden of proof on the State’s Attorney side.  But he didn’t do it without calling my ex an asshole in open court.

Maybe he did that for one, because he is an asshole, and maybe also because he saw how he had manipulated the system.  It’s amazing how those memories that you tried so hard to put away come back to the forefront of your mind to haunt you.

Sneaking Around the Boundaries

Days after being in court, I was still physically depleted and sick.  I felt depressed and lethargic.  I reminded myself how important it was for my well-being to maintain no contact with the sociopath.  Coincidentally NOT, I received an email from one of my ex’s “new employees” of the business that used to be mine that he took from me…and all it’s assets.

Employee’s Email to Me

“Hello (My Name),

I am Name, I work for your ex.

I attached my daughter’s birthday invitation, she is turning 5 on Saturday.  I was hoping your ex could bring your daughter, Vel would love to meet her.”

How About No

This was my limit.  Now the sociopath was giving my personal email address to his new employees of which he shouldn’t have, because he should be doing the damn work himself to save money on overhead so he can pay off the debt he owes to me!  Instead a new woman, of that I’m not surprised, is now project managing his jobs, and he is paying her what he should be paying towards the hundred thousand dollar debt.

I decided that I had to take my boundaries to a new limit.  I said NOPE!  This isn’t going to happen.  So I decided to change my email AGAIN and give him a new, separate email apart from my personal email where he can inquire and coordinate his supervised visitation.

I am going to decide when I am good and ready to answer and even open that email.  Right now I am deciding to go on a week hiatus from hearing from him so I can feel at peace for a second.  Then I took the liberty to respond to the employee.

My Response

“Your boss needs to read the divorce decree again. He has supervised visitation, and I don’t find it appropriate for him to attempt to thwart the courts’ ruling on the supervised visitation by using you as a pawn to go around what has already been set in place.

This has been going on for a year; he knows exactly what he needs to do to set up time to see his daughter.
Please do no contact me again.”
It Takes a Village
Of course this outgoing email was sent from an email I now no longer use.  Thinking to myself about the amount of people it has taken for me to overcome this person, it’s amazing.  I have a physician for the PTSD, a psychiatrist, 2 counselors, my church family, my parents and a couple friends all battling against one person.
It takes a village to resist a sociopath and maintain proper boundaries.  Why?  Because sociopaths don’t get tired, since they don’t have a conscience.
They don’t get emotionally drained because they don’t feel like we do.  Anything that you think will go as normal with a sociopath, will not.  Everything will end up as a loss.  Any hopes that things will not be a complete disaster, any hopes that they will, at any time chose to do the right thing, will NEVER happen.
Being Frank
Going forward, I have decided to be frank about it.  I was getting my car washed and the attendant started his usual sales pitch:
“When’s the last time you waxed your car?”
“I don’t know, got this car about 4 months ago.”
“Well it could use a wax.”
“To be honest, I don’t have one extra dollar to spend on anything extra other than what I budgeted because I’m completely poor.”
“How is it that you are poor?”
“Just got out of a really bad divorce.”
“Hmm, isn’t it the woman that’s supposed to walk away with the money?”
“Nope.  My ex was a sociopath.”
“Oh.”
“Yea, he took all my money away from me.”
“But you got the kid right?”
“Yep, that’s all that matters.”
“So you’re saying he’s a sociopath.  You are getting child support? At least he is away from you now.”
“Yep…Still trying to keep him away.  I have a restraining order and the whole nine yards.”
The conversation awkwardly ended, for him.  Me?  Not so much.

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Peace in Chaos – I can feel how drained you are. I am so sorry for the continuing harassment. Please add your Lovefraud family to the list of people who support you. You may not know us, but we are all here for you.

Donna

steps

Peace in Chaos, I echo Donna’s response. This site and reading contributors’ support and experiences go a long way to help to heal and learn.

Boundaries are not something the SP adheres to. In fact, I think the SP gets off knowing s/he makes you squirm–just another form of control. It’s very twisted and sad, and I have walked away from situations feeling dazed and confused–like I asked you not to contact me but you call me at work about “work” questions (that are not really) or say and do things in front of other people that feel like I am being held hostage to standing there and being nice about it all. It’s horrible.

It’s very frustrating all the time but especially when you have made progress through no contact or other ways to distance yourself. S/he crossing boundaries almost feels like a failure, like you should be healthy enough to withstand someone being manipulative and disrespectful right in front of you. It’s a lot to handle.

I have tried to find ways to remind myself of the destruction he has caused so that when I am in those situations, I have no inkling of pity for him or desire for him. It takes time and effort to do this–it is not easy.

Hang in there, Peace in Chaos. You got this.

winifred

Peace in Chaos,
Sociopaths live for drama as you know first hand. My husband has 2 children with his sociopath ex that are now 20 and 24, and she still uses them to hurt him and disrupt our lives! Our many lawyers over the past 12 yrs have offered us advice when they have NO CLUE what we’re dealing with. As angry as she has made me over the years, and as difficult it has been, I have learned not to acknowledge her no matter what, at least not directly! I have had to learn how to deal with her indirectly, but still defusing her by using my resources! Good luck and God Bless… hang in there, you have too fight for you!
Winifred

kaya48

I have been no contact now for over 2 years even while going through an ugly, bitter divorce from him. It’s is my personal shield to protect me for further abuse and harm by him. Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.
And closure is possible. It’s being done through silence. It will never come from the abuser, it must come from within.
My silence , my resilience , my strength in the no contact. All that was my way out of the darkness. And it feels good now that I can be strong enough to not letting him push my buttons. And this feeling is my victory in that entire drama.
I can look back now and say “who was that person I was married to for over 20 years ?” Because he is nothing to me now.

flicka

Often NC becomes more complicated with time. It’s been 5 years NC with my 5 grown children who finally adopted the psychodic traits of their abusive father whom I divorced in ’82 after 23 years of hopeless marriage. They have now formed a family cult of supporting each other. At 78 and being alone and disabled and financially drained, it appears they may ultimately have won…why and how? Having recently fallen, the hospital would not release me to my home which had no support mechanism. So I was placed in a rehab center where I witnessed unbelievable horrors and elder abuse. Due to that, I’ve had to contemplate “Independent Living” which costs $4,000.00 per month minimum. I have just so many resources left that ultimately, I will likely run out of funds and will be thrown back in to a State-run nursing facility. All because I loved too long and too much to “pull the plug” in time to develop and new profession and funds of my own. This warns all you women out there to get on with your own lives before it becomes too late. No one else will look out for you if you don’t.

jmmira

This is interesting as my experience has always been that a woman need NO proof of anything a man does. All a woman needs to do is present an email, call the police and bam, the guy is slapped with a restraining order or OP.

On the other hand, having lived with a sociopath for 12 years, I know what you’re talking about. They are in control, because they are always plotting, it’s simply how their mind works. Any attempt to cooperate like a normal person would simply gives them permission to manipulate.

Unfortunately, it’s worse when the sociopath is a woman. Female sociopaths don’t go beating men with frying pans and I personally think there are as many female as their are men. Sorry ladies, but my experience is that women are more likely to fight using manipulation than fists. Traditionally being the physically weaker sex, women have for the most part had to rely on either help from another man or manipulation. There is a reason the old timers say, never mess with another mans woman. It’s because they knew a percentage of those women were not in need of a hero, but simply wanted an easy out of their life. A life they signed up for, that would actually be accountability and having to get out themselves, without help puts them to the test.

Anyway, female sociopaths do the very same things to men. When they have the kids, men are completely screwed. We can either have no contact and not see our kids, or continue to allow contact to see our kids, which continues to allow them some control and manipulation in our lives. This happens to me on a weekly basis. As a man, there is nobody I can go to, no marriage counselor, no lawyer, no judge, no therapist. It all costs us money and they provide little bang for the buck.

Narcissists are shrewd psychopaths, being ahead of them is very hard. My son, just the other day said, “why didn’t you record her”. I told him, that’s easy to say now, but neither of us knew she was going to say what she did.

Just yesterday, she called me an hour after my son was out of school asking ME where he was. I said, “he lives with you, why are you asking me where he is and why don’t you know?”. She then ranted and raved and made him out to be the worst kid on the planet, which is simply not true. She then said she’d have to go out looking for him and actually inferred that she wanted me to look for him. I just said, “let me know if you find him”. Any amount of care I show, is used against me. Not five minutes later, he was home and had been at art club after school.

Now the kicker is, this woman just spent the last week giving me the silent treatment because I would not pay MORE money than I was ordered to for his Hockey. I already paid above my budget and more than ordered by court. It doesn’t matter if it’s for my son, it’s a matter of having a budge and not letter her order me around. She of course was using fear of my son NOT playing hockey so she would not have to pay her end.

It’s funny how if we went to court, I’m quite sure the judge would just make me out to be cheap. They often miss the point because they don’t believe women are sociopaths or perhaps believe them to be rightfully so. Especially since most judges are in fact, narcissists.

unknown

Just take him/her for a https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fmri test if you suspect

salvation2012

There should be some way we can not have to be in the same courtroom with them, as it genuinely makes the spath thrilled to once again plant another seed of terror, or belittle us through the lawyer etc…

At the very least, the ones who were also found guilty in a court of law for assault and battery, separate from civil protective order, we should never have to forced to see them even if in a court house.

kaya48

Actually there is a way not to be in the same court room with them. In my ugly, nasty divorce we had two different rooms. I absolutely refuses to be on the same room with my evil ex husband. And my lawyer 100 percent supported me. It was so much more peaceful having the lawyers take charge of it, instead having to look at my ex’s evil, cold eyes. When I did have to pass by him , I never looked at him and wore my sunglasses. After 20 years he could not get to me anymore. I had my lawyer by my side , he was my shield and weapon. My ex did even try to intimidate my lawyer. For that purpose I chose a male lawyer, who was also a criminal defense lawyer besides divorce issues. There was no way my ex could mess with him. And now 2 years later if anything comes up I will have my lawyer contact the ex husband. I know that any communication with him would set me back 2 plus years. And I have worked so hard and will not ever let him push my buttons again. I would rather pay my lawyer a fortune than having to deal with the ex. For 20 years he told me I was crazy and now I know that it’s called “crazy making “. I am in control now and I will never give that up to him again.

thisreallyhappened

I initiated No Contact today with the Narcissist I have been with for the past 2 and a half years. My goodness, what a roller coaster I have been on. It ends today! I suspected something was off with this guy a few weeks into our relationship. He had been separated from his wife and was ‘going through a divorce’ he had assured me that his marriage had ended 3yrs prior to the divoce proceedings. Well, 2 and a half years later and his is still not legally divorced. He blamed is wife for everything, why they were divorcing, the neglect he suffered at her hands during their marriage, the lack of love in the marriage, the absence of sex, the neglect of the kids and the fact that they are not legally divorced; it was all her fault! I was the opposite of course, I was kind, caring, compassionate, attentive, progressive. He had never been loved like this before, where had I been all his life? The adulation went on and on and on! I lapped it all up! I would never and have never been involved with a married man but this guy was so convincing! He was not in a marriage, only the legal certificate remained but they were not living together and had not been intimate for at least a year before the separation. I was kept away from his family, kids, friends; I was his little island! Some of his family members knew of me but I never met any of them. I am a smart, highly educated woman, inuitive and connected. I realized something was off! So I started to question some of the inconsistencies! The first silent treatment! I felt like death! What was going on? I was frantic, confused, I am also highly spirited so I expressed my anguish! I was met with greater withdrawal! I felt worthless! – devalued! The devaluing ranged from the silent treatments to daily withdrawals of Sex, attention, compliments, affection, things we enjoyed together! It was horrific! He is a judge and I felt like an accused party in his court! He punished me everyday over somethIng or other. I have a try-hard life script so the more dysfunction he created the harder I tried! I watched myself lose my mind! I saw his wife recently, she ‘caught’ us at his house one morning and then it clicked for me. She looked old and haggard; I thought she was his son’s grandmother! She was tied, abused, exhausted, drained and like me had aged well beyond her years! That was when I realized that I had morphed into the monster he had described early on in our relationship! I was an optimistic, enthusiastic, strong willed, kind and confident person! Who had I become? The years of his abuse had taken their toll, he had violated each one of my boundaries (starting with I do it date married men- the premise of our relationship) I was broken! So today, I started with No Contact! I read When Love is a Lie; Stop Spinning and Start Living; Psycopath Free, Disarming the Narcissit and may more resources! It all fit like a glove! Wish me luck!

Jan7

thisreallyhappened….what a nightmare…they are pure evil wanting to destroy & manipulate everyone who sadly walks in their path of destruction.

So glad you now know the truth about this sociopath!! What a blessing!!!

Congratulations on No Contact!!! 🙂 DAY 1 !!!!! 🙂

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

(ps google “adrenal fatigue” and look at the symptoms on these sites Drlam. com and Adrenalfatigue. org…most victims leaving a abusive relationship with a sociopath have PTSD = adrenal fatigue)

thisreallyhappened

Thank you Jan7, trust me, I googled it a few days ago and I am sure I’m suffering from it! Will consult with my GP next week and see if I cannot get some medical help! I am exhausted! This No Contact comes at the beginning of a discard, which was preceded by a 1 day Idealization – Monday and 1day Devalue Tuesday and a Discard Wed so the last few days had been dramatic. However, something felt different this time round, mane it was the rapidity of it I don’t know but I was not over come with panic, I felt calm and he just appeared horribly strange to me. I didn’t feel the need for answers or understand his strangeness, I just though – this guy is CRAYZY! So I started my reading and realized I better strike while the iron is hot! I was a successful, stable, functioning person before I met this guy! Oh the DRAMA!

Jan7

thisreallyhappened, the very first second I met my ex h I thought he was a “tornado” the second time I met him, I thought he was “Crazy” like you not crazy fun but crazy crazy. I was dead correct…my gut radar was correct…but he sucked me in just like he can do to anyone.

The fact that the sociopath you are describing is a Judge is so incredibly scary to me…I can see him really creating unjust havoc in his court room giving the evil manipulative person a break while turning the tables on the true victim. What kind of Judge is he if you don’t mind me asking?

Im happy that you choose to do a search on the net & that you are following your gut now. Once I found out myself after I literally crawled out of my marriage I felt a weight lifted literally off my shoulders and that was the very day I was done with my marriage. I had prayed for answers to his crazy behavior and I was finally set free.

the crazy devalue, lovebombing, etc really does mess with our minds and pushes us over our emotional edge for sure. I don’t think any vicim of a sociopath walks away mentally unscaved.

Have you done a search on Gas lighting abuse on LF & on the net? Sociopaths love this stealth psychological manipulation as it really does push a victim over her edge.

It’s not easy to follow the no contact rule but it is the only way to have peace, calmness and your sanity. So when you feel like you want or need to contact him come here an just type away on the top post it really does help to get all of your emotions out and it will help you not to call him.

Congrats again. Hugs to you 🙂

thisreallyhappened

He serves in the Criminal Court System, he is deplorable! His education, training and psychopathy made him expert at Gas Lighting me, he nearly really drove me crazy with the smoke and mirrors, constant lies, half-truths and then minimizing my experience, using very very fancy language to twist my reality and try to make me thing I’m imagining things. Of course when I drew a boundary and insisted on my sanity. I would be subjected to a silent treatment! It went on and on an on in cycles. A week ago after another silent treatment, he asked me why is it that things with me are never smooth, every 2-3 months I am always causing drama! The nerve! In a rage I sent him a txt msg that I would get my revenge, I was going to ‘out’ him. That was the last outburst, I have had at lest 50 in 2 years- out right rage festivals! Me? Really? Raging?! No! Not me! I no longer recognized myself! Never again!

steps

Jan 7, I heard and read the term gaslighting before but just now took a moment to look it up. Scary stuff. And very recognizable. I remember one time he asked me to meet him somewhere, I waited for over an hour and he never showed. Then he called me later and said he never told me that. This type of thing, lies of omission, lies, cheating, confusing me, are all things that happen. It does feel like a tornado, and I asked myself “did I do something wrong, did I misunderstand?” It makes you doubt yourself.

My first appointment with my therapist I asked him to tell me if I was crazy. I really felt so confused, questioning myself and my actions. It left damage, am just now coming back from it all and it’s been a few years.

No contact is the only way I have been able to keep moving on. It is difficult and it takes patience with yourself but it can be done. In fact, after a few weeks he called me but I did not pick up. So he is circling back.

Thank you for your post. It crystallized again all of the crazy that we encounter. And it is abusive.

Jan7

Hi Step, YES the gas lighting abuse is the worst. It literally will push a victim over their mental edge. extremely scary and sad!!

That is what they do…the send you on a wild goose chase then say they never “said that”. Then you sit their arguing with them about the fact they did instead of packing or sending them packing. You end up in the cycle of abuse.

I look back and prior to my ex I cut these type of people out of my life very quickly but with him I did not even though there was a marching band of RED FLAGS every where parading around him he still sucked me dry like he does with everyone.

They do push you to a point that you are questioning your own sanity. I just shake my head of the hell I was in & so many others that have posted here & other site….I wonder why this is not taught in school…makes me sick to my stomach to think of how many women are still in these abusive type relationship and how many more will sadly fall into one in the future. This could be prevented if the national domestic abuse centers spoke the truth = there are evil sociopaths & psychopaths and here is how you can spot one. But they don’t.

You welcome…here is a good list of question if you just google “gas lighting abuse”:

“….Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.

In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person ”“ more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner…”

Pass this list on to all your girlfriends because 1 in 3 women will be in a abusive relationship sometime in their life so chances are you have several friends that are experiencing gas lighting abuse.

Thank you for posting back. Take care.

Jan7

WOW…I wonder how many people’s lives he has destroyed in court and out of.

So happy that you know who he is….this is the moment your life changes when you learn that these evil evil people are in all walks of life.

They want to break everyone down with none stop mental games….we see the games but then they stop them for a few hours or days then they start up again…it’s like being in a tornado… you know something is not right but can’t put your finger on it you re just trying survive and can’t figure out what the heck is going on.

Such a crazy world….know I see them every where especially in the news or reality tv shows. It all makes perfect sense know…you can see them manipulating everyone around them and no one sees it because they are the kind hearted people who not manipulate others.

Have you looked at the domestic abuse power wheel? it really does spell out the type of daily/week chaos with a sociopath.

salvation2012

Good luck thisreallyhappened! Cute name… It does really happen even though we used to not think so before all of this….

thisreallyhappened

Thank you Salvation2012, I never knew people this manipulative and evil existed! I have met assholes before (sorry for the swear word) but this is a level of psycho-pathology that can only ever be understood by someone who has been a victim of it! It is the craziest, spookiest thing I have ever experienced! But I feel stronger now that I have an idea what caused it! I almost went crazy!

thisreallyhappened

Btw, I suspect he has a new supply source! Poor woman, hope she’s better equipped to see this Narcissit faster than I did. No one deserves this. Anyway it has nothing to do with me any more. Thank goodness!

thisreallyhappened

Good luck to you, you Ex sound just like mine and our experiences far too similar! Continue to take care of yourself and will be up acing you on my progress. Btw, this is my first blog ever! Could it not have been about sharing cup cake decor tips 🙈ðŸ˜

jeannie812

Don’t go back to that car wash again ! because that attendant knows you are going through divorce, broke, and that you got the kids to support, and that you are vulnerable! We gotta stop giving out our info to strangers!

Years ago when I was going through my divorce. I quit smoking and started taking long walks everyday to ease the urge of the withdrawal of smoking. I was walking past a car wash everyday. Well, one of the workers from car wash was standing out on public sidewalk everytime I walked past. He would always say hi. I said hi. I thought nothing of it. It was kinda odd, but seemed harmless.

Then one night the guy was waiting for me outside the middle school (which is 2 blocks away from home) and it was a good mile away from car wash. Meaning the guy had followed me, on a previous day. (I gotta point out that it was nighttime, when he waited for me, and the middle school was open for teachers conference) Meaning the guy must have scoped out that too, so he wouldn’t have his car parked in an empty parking lot, it was full of cars of parents attending school function.

As I was approaching the middle school, the guy was standing by his car and he yelled out at me saying he needs to use a phone. I yelled back that there are phones in the middle school. He yelled out, that he is from the car wash. I yelled back saying there are phones in the middle school. The guy yelled back that he really needs to use a phone. I started running, and I got out of there. I never walked past that car wash again.

We gotta learn NEVER tell our business to strangers. If we think we will receive an listening ear, no we will end up with another stalker to deal with !!

jeannie812

Then I moved out to country in 2004. I was frequenting the lumber yard. I would buy their materials in exchange for them telling me how to do the job. Like wiring phone jacks, hanging shelving etc. So the guys at the lumberyard got my whole story. That I was alone in the country with my little boy.

What I didn’t know is my soon-to-be-boyfriend-sociopath was at times in the store listening to my every word. Once that guy heard my story, he was on a manhunt to catch me.

That guy tracked me down to meet me. And it was 5-years of hell. And, even after I broke up with him 4 1/2 years later, he sent me a 5-page letter at Christmas, and then called me a few days later. I told him NOT INTERESTED, but it remains that the guy will keep trying from time to time.

And, it all started with me telling my story in public. My story fell on the wrong ears. And, I got a lifelong stalker

jeannie812

and the thing is. the guy is so sneaky. that I am the only one who knows. He never shows his cards to anyone else. So no one believes me, no one protects me. My sisters know I would never make this up. But, people out here are looking at him saying nothing, and me telling big on him. They believe him.

flicka

A typical sociopath’s trait!

Stargazer

No Contact is vital and it is a lifeline. The first breather I had in 3 months with the sociopath was when I went camping by myself for 4 days. It was the first time I started to see things clearly. I still didn’t know what a sociopath was yet, but my gut instincts kicked in and told me something was not right, that there was some sort of game going on and that it was not normal.

With a sociopath, your feelings are going wonkers and you are missing them like crazy. But you know deep down something is wrong. When you take space, you give yourself the time to let that deep down feeling show you the truth. You can finally be strong enough to walk away even in the face of your addiction.

jmmira

I experience the same thing, however since she was given my son to raise, I have to maintain some contact to be involved with my son. She allows contact as long as things go her way. So, it’s convenient for her if I take my son to Hockey and pay for things related to hockey.

Then when I call her to plan something with my son, she says, “don’t talk to me about it, talk to him”. I then make plans with him and she calls me back yelling at me, stating I didn’t discuss it with her!

Then she calls me for help dealing with my son on some trivial matter. Just recently, she called and said he wouldn’t get up for school. Her voice panicked and stressed, then as I call him on his cell phone, I hear him in the background on the call with this mother. I realize they are in the garage and he’s just coming in and I hear him say he was getting his backpack. So, she calls me to create a false perception of what’s going on. I hang up, she calls me two minutes later saying my son threatened to jump out of the car if she didn’t stop and let him out and that he is now riding his bike to school… and that she doesn’t believe he’s going to school. Well, now I have to talk to him and figure out what is going on. I get in my car and follow him to school. During this time she’s calling him, he stops his bike multiple times, checks his phone and then rides again. At the same time, seemingly in between, she’s calling me! I finally answer, an he stops check his phone, so now I know it’s her calling him.

I stop my son a block from the school and ask him what’s going on. He tells me she woke him at 4am yelling and screaming at him about something and that he was just tired. He even said that he thinks she turned off his alarm. This coincides with another event, where he could not find his phone in the morning, his mother said he lost it and then he said he vaguely remembered his mother coming in the room in the middle of the night and taking the phone. She then claims she didn’t do it. This is the same behavior that I spent twelve years trying to sort out. She would do something purposeful to the kids, or create an incident with the kids, claim the kids to be doing something malicious, then ask me to yell at them and when I started by talking to them, she’d start screaming at me. At four years old, my son was calling her a liar to her face!

I actually tried to bring this up to the marriage counselors, custody evaluators, lawyers during divorce, but as usuall, women are saints and men are the problem. They view the frustration and anger in men as the problem. No help at all. Despite coming across many acedemic articles on NPD and BPD, I find that they actually understand little about the insanity that the rational parent has to deal with on a daily basis. The convoluted, manipulated, malicious lying that occurs is overwhelming. To this day there are significant events, two of which involve my children that are completely unresolved because nobody takes men seriously and questions these women.

The divorce industry could not care less and simply and quite thoroughly STEALS from hard working men that receive absolutely NO help from the system.

WillGove

I recently divorced my 2nd Borderline PD. The first confused me very much, but thought I had it figured out on the second time around. Not so much (as you will be saying to yourself, I am sure) What baffles me is how the men always are set up as the problem. Men are far more traumatized over divorce than women (statistics say this) My first marriage it became obvious through blatant overt Gaslighting, The second was covert (with “another husband” in her home country).

Men are not the problem, women are not the problem, lack of awareness of “Red Flags” is the problem. Donna’s site (this one) was the first site I encountered that motivated me to dig deeper into what happened to me.

How the public is made aware of this increase in BPD individuals is beyond me. I do know that this last one “taught me the BIG lesson”.

The “I” (iPhone etc), “ME”, “NOW” culture that is sweeping North America is a key motivator, or teacher of the coming generations and the 30 something generations.

A phone number “used” to be a house, now it is an “I” or a “Me” identity, this allows for obvious privacy (and use of said device for covert, deceitful activity). An email address used to be shared amongst a family or husband and wife, no more.

The more we say we are connected the less we truly are. Only by facing each other, verifying the truth can we escape this mesmerizing illusion of connectedness with plain old “Person to Person, in Person” communications.

How sad is a society where the only way to ensure you are “on a date” with who the other person says they are is by asking to see picture ID?

I sincerely apologize to all who read this that I do not have answers. I am a “Preacher”, I still seek answers. What I do have is an awareness that the “problem” of BPD is far more pervasive than anyone can imagine. As I alluded to, I believe it is a combination of the “I” “Me” “Now” which makes everyone far more selfish, those who have “normal empathy” will temper their “needs”. Those with Sociopathic/Psychopathic/narcissistic (dormant or active) personalities will embrace this change and seek out vulnerable targets to take advantage of. More so now than ever (in the history humankind) before as society demands we drive the “imported car”, live in “the estates” area of town and as a result become an even more narcissistic society.

If I offend, I apologize, If I have educated anyone, I am pleased.

In any case, DO follow Donna, she is THE Pre emanate expert, she has been to hell and back. Not only from a realistic, earthly perspective but also on a spiritual level.
Donna “Gets it”; LISTEN to her and learn.

All the best, be careful as, “they walk among us”.

flicka

Agree 100%, sad to say. We are slowly bringing down our species!

Hope Springs

Sorry to go off a bit, but how about trying to maintain no contact with a socio son?? What does that look like? Is it even possible??

Can’t seem to do it because between he and my husband, they keep him in the mix, if you know what I mean. Always making plans for the next dysfunctional visit. (We live about 3 hours away, thank goodness). I see how damaging it is for the three of us to keep getting together (especially my husband and my relationship), but my husband is ALL about family…no matter what. On one hand I love him for being so accepting…on the other hand I think ‘what an idiot’ that he can’t or won’t see…

I’m getting old dealing with all of this!

WillGove

A Sociopathic son? Who in the dysfunctional group truly embraces this reality? Is it diagnosed, has there been a brain scan or other diagnostic measures to accurately make this conclusion?

So many questions, because I cannot imagine such a situation, I read about it in the book “Snakes in Suits”. This is a situation (in my opinion) that calls for objective analysis. Sociopaths are “broken” people (along with all BPDs). There are treatments that have had somewhat measurable positive results (High doses of Omega 3 I understand).

To deal with this effectively there must be a “buy in” from those who are “responsible” (depending on his age) for the son. My son (of 31 years) is more of an empath than I. I am constantly proud of him for doing the “right, ethical and moral” thing in any given situation.

Understand that your son is this way because of a (perceived or real) defect in his brain function. He has no guilt, no moral compass, no empathy for what others feel. It may be possible to put a bandaid on it with experimental/holistic approaches but there is no guarantee. Where it came from no one can answer (and do NOT accept personal responsibility for his condition). Nothing you could have done would have changed this, he was born with this from a genetic mutation or some other abstract explanation.

Live YOUR life, do not (easier said than done) become stressed. Come from a place of true love, because retaliation or other actions will not change this. Stay calm in the face of this, if what you say is not accepted, so be it. You cannot change it.

I truly hope this dissertation (LOL) helps.

Be well,

William

Hope Springs

Thank you William…that does help. Just being able to talk about it helps, believe me.

Our son is 34 now. It’s been quite a ride, let me tell you all. He was diagnosed at age 6 after a few ‘incidents’ we’ll just say. I completely blocked that out, probably also not believing it or even knowing what sociopath/psychopath even meant (there was no internet back in the 80s to research and I was in my early 20s). I was only reminded by my husband this past year about all of that. We chose, I suppose, to not talk about such a silly thing that we did not really believe or conceive of. Then, I forgot all about that. It was a very trying and painful time. My husband obviously did not forget as he brought it up this past year after I commented on what a troubled life our son lives. Back to the story… At 8 years of age, due to the weird dysfunctional life we were all living, we surrendered him to a wonderful foster family who he stayed with until adulthood. He was not sad or bothered by this at all. Apparently, never even skipped a beat…on to the next family sort of thing. Did not talk about us with that family…like we never even existed! We maintained contact with that family over the years and reestablished a relationship with our son at 16. We only saw he sporadically until he met a girl and wanted to marry her. We saw him (them) a little more often, but never for very long or never anything really meaningful, if that makes sense. He sort of always kept us at arm’s length, only it seems, wanting us to know what he wanted us to know?

Now, after 5 years and having two children of his own, they are going through a nasty split and his socio personality is shining brightly. Anger and contempt from him…no real sadness…his wife is such a nice girl and it is all so sad. The children are like status symbols for him. Look how ‘normal’ I am! I am a father…I have two kids…he seems to actually be ‘happy’ or maybe relieved, that he is living back on his own, in a seedy little cabin in the woods.

Anyway, my husband is all about family. I actually love him for that. I have been with him for 40 years and I love who he is. I do not want to change him…he is who he is. I am not all about family. Only to a point. I am the ‘tough love’ one. Every time we deal with our son, we clash like crazy. We are trying to accept each others’ ideals but it is difficult for both of us. The sad thing is, our son knows all if this and instigates (just like he did for the first 8 years of his life) and I fear it is breaking us down. I am not going to let that happen. I will be as accepting as I can be. Unfortunately, it hurts me inside. I cannot be a hypocrite without being emotionally affected. I am hiding it well, I think.

Sorry to ramble, but thank you for reaching out. I wish that things were different. I just wanted a quote normal family and that does not always happen.

flicka

Dearest Bev, Thank you for reaching out to our compassionate, enlightened group; no one who hasn’t been through being touched by a sociopath, can possibly understand us; it goes too deep and will probably always a part of our psyche.
I was married for 23 years to a man I now know was a psychotic. I worked at 2 minimum wage jobs while raising my 5 beautiful children. I was so proud to release them into the world but gradually the emotional estrangement became too great and I have had to go NC with all of them. Worse yet is the fact that at 78 years old and disabled due to 2 spine surgeries, I now find myself completely abandoned by everyone and everything I once held dear. They have taken all my money and all my friends in this area to which I moved some 11 years ago to be closer to them in my old age. So here I now sit in my little home a la Howard Hughes and have nothing more to live for. Even my grandchildren have been told to stay away!

So you see?…it could be worse. Hang onto your hubby as your one sweet haven. We never forget but, having a companion to share things with makes a huge difference. I don’t even have a cousin nor any relatives so I am very lonely. My friends are all far flung and aging as well. I don’t even have a Power of Attorney! Just why I go on living is a big mystery to me! My loving parents would probably roll over in their graves if only they knew what became of their once happy, talented girl!
Stay safe and hug your hubby extra hard tonight, dear Bev.

Hope Springs

What a beautiful person you are Flicka! I cannot believe that you have nobody at all, for you have us and this site. You also obviously love yourself, which is why you go on living in answer to your question. You know the goodness of who is inside you, even if others do not or choose not to.

I will hold onto my husband…thank goodness I am not married to a socio/psycho…I don’t know if I would have survived that. At least we do have each other to bounce things off of, and we do. Even if we do not agree 100% with each other all of the time.

YOU are a lovely spirit! Stay with us and help us and guide us. We need you so very much…

WillGove

I can certainly appreciate all the feedback and comments here. This is a wonderful forum for caring people to interact on! Talking about how Sociopaths and other BPD personalities have affected our lives is a great outlet. As someone said, unless you have experienced it, you don’t “get it”.

I have learned a big huge fat lesson through all of my interactions (also almost lost my house to a psychopathic mortgage fraudster)with these types. My next steps are learning how and who to trust. My trust in people has been completely destroyed. I watch for red flags constantly. This is not my nature but I don’t know how else to protect myself.

Some have said sell your house, rent and go “off the grid”. That doesn’t feel like an appropriate response. I would prefer to be able to regain my normal life again, although it is taking a lot time as the energy drain has been dramatic. What “normal” is for me I don’t really remember. Almost as if I have to re-create myself.

I wish everyone in this forum love and caring relationships ahead ,as I hope for myself as well.

Be educated, learn about the disordered personality type, I made it my mission to completely understand them. I can never emulate a person with no compassion, no moral compass, no caring, but I can intellectualize understanding the condition and being ever vigilant as I know I am, and always will be a target.

Hope Springs

I wish the same for all people. Love and caring. It is so difficult to understand that any person cannot feel those things innately.

Lovely post William.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

WillGove
I too went through the phase of not trusting anyone. After all, I trusted my instincts to protect me and I failed myself. Therein is the key.

It’s not about rebuilding ability to trust others, it’s about learning to trust ourselves and to know that there is only a certain level of trust we can experience. We learn to weigh the risks, and to know when to exit with dignity and self respect. For business, I always check the cancellation policy. I never work without a safety net. I don’t allow contractors who work with lawbreakers, no ex felons moving my furniture, I mow my own lawn, etc. I meet socially at neutral places, a coffee shop, out for dinner, to movies, etc. I now have a small group of women that I invite to my house because I have been to theirs many times.

But what I have learned is to be open to the possibility that others aren’t what they say they are, and what I can do about it. That’s how I rebuilt trust in ME.

Sophia

I would like to know if parents of a narcisist are like the monsters they raise? My ex has the sweetest parents in the world. When I was diagnosrd with Multiple Scelerosis my ex’s health care provider sent me a stupid letter telling me the only way they would pay for my medicine is if they recieved letters stating that Multiple Sclerosis is a life long disease and that I would bebon some form of the available medications needed to treat the disease. WELL DUHHH! I belive people who run healthcare coverage are people who paid to work there because the don’t have anything better to do with their time except to watch sick people squirm.
I ask this because how could such an evil, souless, black hole of a person come from such sweet, loving people?
The sweetest two people you could ever meet on this planet don’t deserve to have to put up with such a disrespectful son. They are who he runs to when all other avenues if finance get out of his reach. He asks for money and they send it to him indtantly and it really hurts my heart that he does that to them. He either also manipulates them to no end or they just look at the situation as not turning away from their son or child.
I tried explaing to them that he has a mental illness that should be treated but will find it extremely hard to do because people like him are manipulating charmers and some of the doctors who treat them are just as bad. A good psyciatrist might see whats,wrong in td first visit and will confront him on things he tells him, a bad one won’t. They don’t really care and just want to make sure they’re going to get paid in turn manipulating him like he does with everyone else. However, this will never happen. So I move on with my son because I can’t stand the thought of my son turning in to his father.

Sophia – unfortunately, there is a large genetic component to sociopathy. Genetics is a crap shoot, so even though his parents are nice people, there may have been an disordered person somewhere back on the family tree. Even though the parents did their best, they may not have been able to overcome the genetic predisposition.

You may want to get the book, “Just Like His Father?” It offers great advice for parenting a child who may be genetically at risk for sociopathy.

http://www.lovefraud.com/shop/just-like-his-father/

Hope Springs

Hi Sophie,

We are the parents of a SP. We are normal people.

It is hell having a SP son, especially when one of us (me) wants to and knows that it is vital to maintain no contact, and one (my husband) can’t do that. It is his ‘SON’, after all. Who else has he got?? Just us, my husband says.

We have all kinds of strife over this. It is the hardest thing that has ever happened in our lives. Our son is 33 and contacts us when he NEEDS money or NEEDS validation when all of his other relationships are falling apart around him. There is no love…only want and / or need. When we say no, he badgers and uses guilt to get what he wants. ‘I AM YOUR SON’!! He is disrespectful, selfish, and a liar.

What a life…your letter said everything that we go through…not turning away from their son…been there…am there!

Sunnygal

Peace As you say, a normal person who hears someone wants no contact would stop. The spath does the opposite- tries for contact. The spath I went no contact with in August has forced contact twice. I will continue to be vigilant for no contact with the nutcase.

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