By | August 28, 2015 46 Comments

Maintaining No Contact with a Sociopath

Boundaries?  I Don’t Know What Those Are

It’s amazing how even after years and months go by of you making it perfectly clear what kind of contact you want with the sociopath, they don’t reciprocate your boundaries.  I think it’s just mind boggling over and over again in my mind that this concept of boundaries is so foreign to them, and they have no means, let alone intentions, of adhering to them.

I mean normal people who find out other people don’t want them to contact them anymore, just…stop.  But the sociopath does the exact opposite.  They continue to push buttons, push boundaries, push limits.  There is a constant alertness on the part of the person that set up the boundaries against the sociopath to continue to re-evaluate the boundaries the sociopath has crossed.  In addition, they have to set up the right proximity in the first place to derail the sociopath’s ability to get around the boundaries on the onset.

Like they say, “if at first you don’t succeed, try again.”  I find that I am at my best when the sociopath doesn’t exist by maintaining no contact, or minimal contact when a child is involved.  This week there were trigger points going off like the Fourth of July.

Going to Court…Again

This week I had a trial hearing that the sociopath perpetuated by not taking a plea because he violated my order of protection.  So down to the courthouse I go to face him yet again.  I had support with me, and I tried my best to prepare myself, but I found as I was walking into the court room, that I lost it.

I just said with tears coming down my face, taking a couple steps back away from the door, “I don’t want to do this.”  After a couple minutes, I was able to regain my composure and walk through those doors.

Court was all it was expected to be.  A defense attorney in my face while I’m on the witness stand, badgering me for something I already went through once.  Now I had to re-live it again in front of a judge and of course the sociopath.

I could feel his eyes on me even although I chose not to look at him at all.  The damn thing was so convoluted.  The defense attorney would ask me questions and I would smirk a bit and respond, “Well that’s a complicated question.”

There aren’t really yes’ and no’s with sociopaths.  They make everything so chaotic, its hard to unravel what happened first because so many things happened that were INSANE.  Unfortunately the judge dismissed the case against the sociopath, as I’m not surprised, for lack of the burden of proof on the State’s Attorney side.  But he didn’t do it without calling my ex an asshole in open court.

Maybe he did that for one, because he is an asshole, and maybe also because he saw how he had manipulated the system.  It’s amazing how those memories that you tried so hard to put away come back to the forefront of your mind to haunt you.

Sneaking Around the Boundaries

Days after being in court, I was still physically depleted and sick.  I felt depressed and lethargic.  I reminded myself how important it was for my well-being to maintain no contact with the sociopath.  Coincidentally NOT, I received an email from one of my ex’s “new employees” of the business that used to be mine that he took from me…and all it’s assets.

Employee’s Email to Me

“Hello (My Name),

I am Name, I work for your ex.

I attached my daughter’s birthday invitation, she is turning 5 on Saturday.  I was hoping your ex could bring your daughter, Vel would love to meet her.”

How About No

This was my limit.  Now the sociopath was giving my personal email address to his new employees of which he shouldn’t have, because he should be doing the damn work himself to save money on overhead so he can pay off the debt he owes to me!  Instead a new woman, of that I’m not surprised, is now project managing his jobs, and he is paying her what he should be paying towards the hundred thousand dollar debt.

I decided that I had to take my boundaries to a new limit.  I said NOPE!  This isn’t going to happen.  So I decided to change my email AGAIN and give him a new, separate email apart from my personal email where he can inquire and coordinate his supervised visitation.

I am going to decide when I am good and ready to answer and even open that email.  Right now I am deciding to go on a week hiatus from hearing from him so I can feel at peace for a second.  Then I took the liberty to respond to the employee.

My Response

“Your boss needs to read the divorce decree again. He has supervised visitation, and I don’t find it appropriate for him to attempt to thwart the courts’ ruling on the supervised visitation by using you as a pawn to go around what has already been set in place.

This has been going on for a year; he knows exactly what he needs to do to set up time to see his daughter.
Please do no contact me again.”
It Takes a Village
Of course this outgoing email was sent from an email I now no longer use.  Thinking to myself about the amount of people it has taken for me to overcome this person, it’s amazing.  I have a physician for the PTSD, a psychiatrist, 2 counselors, my church family, my parents and a couple friends all battling against one person.
It takes a village to resist a sociopath and maintain proper boundaries.  Why?  Because sociopaths don’t get tired, since they don’t have a conscience.
They don’t get emotionally drained because they don’t feel like we do.  Anything that you think will go as normal with a sociopath, will not.  Everything will end up as a loss.  Any hopes that things will not be a complete disaster, any hopes that they will, at any time chose to do the right thing, will NEVER happen.
Being Frank
Going forward, I have decided to be frank about it.  I was getting my car washed and the attendant started his usual sales pitch:
“When’s the last time you waxed your car?”
“I don’t know, got this car about 4 months ago.”
“Well it could use a wax.”
“To be honest, I don’t have one extra dollar to spend on anything extra other than what I budgeted because I’m completely poor.”
“How is it that you are poor?”
“Just got out of a really bad divorce.”
“Hmm, isn’t it the woman that’s supposed to walk away with the money?”
“Nope.  My ex was a sociopath.”
“Yea, he took all my money away from me.”
“But you got the kid right?”
“Yep, that’s all that matters.”
“So you’re saying he’s a sociopath.  You are getting child support? At least he is away from you now.”
“Yep…Still trying to keep him away.  I have a restraining order and the whole nine yards.”
The conversation awkwardly ended, for him.  Me?  Not so much.

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Hope Springs

What a beautiful person you are Flicka! I cannot believe that you have nobody at all, for you have us and this site. You also obviously love yourself, which is why you go on living in answer to your question. You know the goodness of who is inside you, even if others do not or choose not to.

I will hold onto my husband…thank goodness I am not married to a socio/psycho…I don’t know if I would have survived that. At least we do have each other to bounce things off of, and we do. Even if we do not agree 100% with each other all of the time.

YOU are a lovely spirit! Stay with us and help us and guide us. We need you so very much…


I can certainly appreciate all the feedback and comments here. This is a wonderful forum for caring people to interact on! Talking about how Sociopaths and other BPD personalities have affected our lives is a great outlet. As someone said, unless you have experienced it, you don’t “get it”.

I have learned a big huge fat lesson through all of my interactions (also almost lost my house to a psychopathic mortgage fraudster)with these types. My next steps are learning how and who to trust. My trust in people has been completely destroyed. I watch for red flags constantly. This is not my nature but I don’t know how else to protect myself.

Some have said sell your house, rent and go “off the grid”. That doesn’t feel like an appropriate response. I would prefer to be able to regain my normal life again, although it is taking a lot time as the energy drain has been dramatic. What “normal” is for me I don’t really remember. Almost as if I have to re-create myself.

I wish everyone in this forum love and caring relationships ahead ,as I hope for myself as well.

Be educated, learn about the disordered personality type, I made it my mission to completely understand them. I can never emulate a person with no compassion, no moral compass, no caring, but I can intellectualize understanding the condition and being ever vigilant as I know I am, and always will be a target.

Hope Springs

I wish the same for all people. Love and caring. It is so difficult to understand that any person cannot feel those things innately.

Lovely post William.


I too went through the phase of not trusting anyone. After all, I trusted my instincts to protect me and I failed myself. Therein is the key.

It’s not about rebuilding ability to trust others, it’s about learning to trust ourselves and to know that there is only a certain level of trust we can experience. We learn to weigh the risks, and to know when to exit with dignity and self respect. For business, I always check the cancellation policy. I never work without a safety net. I don’t allow contractors who work with lawbreakers, no ex felons moving my furniture, I mow my own lawn, etc. I meet socially at neutral places, a coffee shop, out for dinner, to movies, etc. I now have a small group of women that I invite to my house because I have been to theirs many times.

But what I have learned is to be open to the possibility that others aren’t what they say they are, and what I can do about it. That’s how I rebuilt trust in ME.


I would like to know if parents of a narcisist are like the monsters they raise? My ex has the sweetest parents in the world. When I was diagnosrd with Multiple Scelerosis my ex’s health care provider sent me a stupid letter telling me the only way they would pay for my medicine is if they recieved letters stating that Multiple Sclerosis is a life long disease and that I would bebon some form of the available medications needed to treat the disease. WELL DUHHH! I belive people who run healthcare coverage are people who paid to work there because the don’t have anything better to do with their time except to watch sick people squirm.
I ask this because how could such an evil, souless, black hole of a person come from such sweet, loving people?
The sweetest two people you could ever meet on this planet don’t deserve to have to put up with such a disrespectful son. They are who he runs to when all other avenues if finance get out of his reach. He asks for money and they send it to him indtantly and it really hurts my heart that he does that to them. He either also manipulates them to no end or they just look at the situation as not turning away from their son or child.
I tried explaing to them that he has a mental illness that should be treated but will find it extremely hard to do because people like him are manipulating charmers and some of the doctors who treat them are just as bad. A good psyciatrist might see whats,wrong in td first visit and will confront him on things he tells him, a bad one won’t. They don’t really care and just want to make sure they’re going to get paid in turn manipulating him like he does with everyone else. However, this will never happen. So I move on with my son because I can’t stand the thought of my son turning in to his father.

Sophia – unfortunately, there is a large genetic component to sociopathy. Genetics is a crap shoot, so even though his parents are nice people, there may have been an disordered person somewhere back on the family tree. Even though the parents did their best, they may not have been able to overcome the genetic predisposition.

You may want to get the book, “Just Like His Father?” It offers great advice for parenting a child who may be genetically at risk for sociopathy.

Hope Springs

Hi Sophie,

We are the parents of a SP. We are normal people.

It is hell having a SP son, especially when one of us (me) wants to and knows that it is vital to maintain no contact, and one (my husband) can’t do that. It is his ‘SON’, after all. Who else has he got?? Just us, my husband says.

We have all kinds of strife over this. It is the hardest thing that has ever happened in our lives. Our son is 33 and contacts us when he NEEDS money or NEEDS validation when all of his other relationships are falling apart around him. There is no love…only want and / or need. When we say no, he badgers and uses guilt to get what he wants. ‘I AM YOUR SON’!! He is disrespectful, selfish, and a liar.

What a life…your letter said everything that we go through…not turning away from their son…been there…am there!


Peace As you say, a normal person who hears someone wants no contact would stop. The spath does the opposite- tries for contact. The spath I went no contact with in August has forced contact twice. I will continue to be vigilant for no contact with the nutcase.

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