By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Nic: I am concerned that he is “having fun” upsetting you like this. If you don’t go about this in the right way you will not look like the responsible, loving mother that you are.
So let’s think vary carefully, OK?
First of all, would he even want to pick her up unless he thought he would have one more way of causing upset. If you showed that you can’t be upset by him, you might not be as much “fun” to torment. We would like to take the “fun” out of this for him. So, how to do it?
DEar Nic,
Yea, do take a deep breath. First off, I would suggest that you NO LONGER TALK TO HIM BY TELEPHHONE. Every time you do that he pushes your buttons and you end up upset.
HE IS THE LIE. HE WILL NOT TELL THE TRUTH. DO NOT BELIEVE ONE WORD HE SAYS.
I think pick up and drop off at the police station is an okay idea.
I would suggest that you communicate with him by e mail ONLY. I would also suggest if at all possible you have someone else besides YOU be there when the baby is picked up or dropped off (if at all possible) so that you don’t even have to see this jerk.
As long as he can push your buttons and make you cry HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT. The ONLY way you will stop that right now is to NOT TALK TO HIM, if you communicate by e mail, or if he doesn’t have e mail, then have a go between on the telephone. Have a friend call him and tell him “The baby will be at the police station at X time. Have a baby seat or she will not go with you. Jane will meet you there, she drives a white 2007 X car.”
If YOU have to meet him there, meet him in the lobby, go into the station and tell someone there that you are picking up/droppiing the baby off that that you would like an officer to accompany you to turn the baby over to him and make sure he has a carseat. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS DO NOT ACT UPSET, NO MATTER HOW UPSET YOU ARE. YOU CAN CONTROL IT FOR A FEW MINTUES TIL HE IS OUT OF SIGHT. YOU CAN DO IT, NIC!!!! I KNOW YOU CAN!!!! (((((HUGS))))) and always my prayers for you!
Nic: Have you thought about calling the police — not emergency, but a helpful person who might be able to calmly talk with you about the situation. I know that the police are busy with many things, but they might be interested if they know this guy has a pattern of defying the use of a child seat for his daughter — for no good reason!
If the police were interested in catching someone who is obviously and willfully risking his child — just to be nasty to you — they might be more interested in stopping this. If you take it down to the police station, I am concerned that you will look like you are trying to take a relationship fight down to their “office” and the police will resent this more than they will want to help. (Anybody else have an opinion here?)
I understand that the daycare center doesn’t want to get in the middle of this — they aren’t trained, and it’s risky, and it is NOT their job.
So, if you talk CALMLY tomorrow with a police officer, you might get some guidance. That officer might suggest that social services would be willing to help. You need a witness, and right now you don’t have a witness to his behavior or what he said to you on this last phone call. If you try to repeat what he said, he will deny, and you will look like a fool. (I’m sorry, but that’s probably what he’s trying to make happen.)
Right now you don’t have a plan that gets you any help, and if you send this email, you will only give him an email that — again — will make you look like you are hysterical and out of touch.
So don’t buy into his threats, and CALMLY figure out a plan to get a witness to his bad behavior — police officer to show up perhaps to observe him at the daycare center and issue a ticket? Social services? (Does this guy have any kind of criminal record? Are there reasons he wouldn’t want to talk to the police?)
And — this is very tricky — if you take this step, will he want to fight you harder? REMEMBER? YOU DON’T WANT HIM IN YOUR DAUGHTER’S LIFE!! You would like him to forget her and walk away, because he sounds like a very bad and dangerous man who wears a face that looks “nice” but HE IS NOT NICE! HE IS A RISK TO YOU AND YOUR CHILD!
Rune – Thank you .. you are right. Sometimes its so overwhelming when dealing with it. No more beating myself up… and more celebrating the strong independent person I am becoming. Thanks Rune..
Nic – There should be NO CONTACT. You will benefit beyond words with NO CONTACT. And you being the one to enforce it. My suggestion is to email him the following…
You have my permission to pick up our daughter at daycare tomorrow by 5pm or 6pm?? ONLY if you have a carseat with you. If you do not have a carseat for her safety and abidance of the law, I cannot, in good conscience allow my daughter to be driven in an automobile with anyone including her own father, without a carseat. It is both of our parental obligations to protect her. The fact that I am enforcing it at this time is for the safety of her LIFE.
Thank you for your cooperation in this regard. If you do not intend to pick her up with a carseat you leave me no choice but to involve law enforcement for the safety and well being of my daughter.
Learn: You said that email very nicely. It puts the burden on this idiot to be responsible. But, UNDERNEATH all this, he just is not the kind of father that any kid needs.
Nic: No drama. These jerks love drama. Be calm, calm, calm. And keep the focus on his bad behavior.
Learn: Please give yourself a hug. And an extra one from me. You go, girl!
And Nic: You need a couple of hugs, too. I know this is SOoooo hard!
Thanks Rune and Oxdrover: I took some deep breaths because I was certainly about to send him a nasty email. I do have to be careful what I put in writing. I am going to call the nonemergency police and see what they say. I don’t have my husband’s license plate so I can’t tell them that way. I could maybe see when he is at the daycare so I can call the police to catch him. My mom said it is too extreme having him meet me at the police station. I remember Rune, I don’t want him in my daughter’s life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel so much better and calmer.
Nic: Good girl! I know this from personal experience. Oxy knows from personal experience with a variety of psychopathic wierdos. Learn had a nice way of stating things in an email. Remember that any email may be “used against you” so whatever you say must look calm, responsible, and ABSOLLUTELY not crazy!!!
And when I say you don’t want him in your daughter’s life, I really know what I’m talking about. I have seen first-hand the damage this kind of man can do to his daughter. You don’t want him as an influence in her life if you can help it. And you certainly don’t need him in YOUR life. Remember, HE’S crazy! Not you. And no amount of wishing and hoping will make him NOT crazy, even if he looks normal.
I’m so glad you’re feeling better. You did just great getting through this tonight!
learn, I think that is good but I won’t know if he has the carseat or not. He could tell me that he does but he doesn’t.
I think I like the time though because if he hasn’t picked her up by a certain time I could just get her. I usually call the daycare to see if she is picked up. Furthermore, I could probably get them to call me when he arrives to pick her up. Then I could call the police.
I feel so bad that I have allowed my daughter to ride with him this long without a seat. But since I recently heard about a 2 yr.old going through a car window without a carseat it has really hit home.
Nic – you will have to be there when he is scheduled to pick her up. You cannot put this responsibility on the daycare. But you can give them a copy of the email in advance tomorrow morning and you can tell them of your legal right and obligation to make sure he has a carseat. If he does not have a car seat you will call 911 at that time, before he enters the daycare, and have a pen and paper for to write down his license. No threatening him, no words, just quietly dialing 911 and removing yourself from his presence. Do you have a friend that can help support you tomorrow? Hopefully the email will be enough for him to go buy a damn carseat tomorrow and this will be handled the right way. You will have to be strong , brave and confident that what you are doing is NOT crazy or overboard. But rather putting an end to his games and control over you.
Thanks learn: I will cut, paste and tweak the email. I told him again a few days ago to get a carseat because he was putting her life in jeopardy and he just replied “anything else’. So I have that in writing. If he had one he wouldn’t have replied like that. The only thing I can see is that he doesn’t care about my daughter’s life.
Have a good night everyone!