By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Personally, I think you have every right to pick up your daughter early and not allow him to see her — just based on not having a car seat, let alone other neglect you are aware of.
Nic, I have a question… did you discuss the carseat on the phone tonight? or was the bunch of stuff he was denying that caused you two to get in a fight nothing to do with the carseat?
We did not discuss it tonight. We got into other stuff about him not asking about her being sick these past couple of weeks and some other things. But the fight had to do with her care and what a parent is.
Learn: I think I am going to just pick her up tomorrow. I just have something about her being at daycare for over 10 hours. There is nothing like a mother’s care. I am going to send him an email and let him know that if he wants to see her he can pick her up from the house and then at that time I will see if he has a car seat or actually I am going to wait and see what the police say when I call tomorrow like Rune suggested. I don’t think it is a good idea for me to see if he has a carseat.
DEar Nic,
This whole car seat thing is ON PURPOSE TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS….A) he does not care about your daughter and B) the only way he can push your buttons is to be uncooperative about her welfare.
My guess is the ONLY reason he has visitation with her at all is to PUSH YOUR BUTTONS. If you take away the DRAMA and don’t get upset with him. APPEAR calm, cool and collected, and STAND STRONG.
Don’t let him make you cry in front of him, be like SPOCK, NO EMOTIONS. AND get a witness to be there with you ANY time you see him. Also wouldn’t be a bad idea to get a pocket recorder and record any conversation you have with him. The digital ones are great, cheap and fit in your pocket.
Communicate by e mail only or through a third party or with a witness. Hang in there NIC, YOU CAN DO IT!!!! ((((HUGS)))))
Nic, you have to do whats best for you. We support you here. I still suggest you put in writing the words about needing a carseat to pick her up wherever you want the pickup to be. Its good for you to have a nice calm civil letter stating your reasons and concerns for needing a carseat and for not allowing visitation if there isnt one.
I asked about the conversation tonight, because, and you arent going to like this….but there should NOT be any contact …there should not be any telephone conversations with you trying to tell him what he isnt doing when she is sick, or what he isnt doing right in the way he parents….NIC you know what he isnt doing, and by you telling him it isnt going to CHANGE Anything. He is not a good father. Please try to understand that your best bet is NO CONTACT. You only end up hurting and upset and feeling miserable – you cant get anywhere with him. No matter how right you are — he will receive it as bashing him and he will become defensive and say mean things to you to cause a fight and turn it around. And then youre left staring at the phone crying and all of a sudden wanting to do something to get back at him… like insist he pick her up at the police station. Its a normal reaction to his action… but it just lends to a repetitive dysfunctional cycle with nothing being addressed that needs to be which is:
1. you need a legal agreement for custody in place
2. you need your daughter in a car seat at all times
3. you need a divorce
4. you need to move on with your life, away from this monster
5. you need NO CONTACT WITH HIM. NONE. ZERO
6. you need to decide what you want to do with Wed nite visitation.
Hope you understand I say this with great respect and understanding. And I want the best for you and your daughter. That means he needs to be out of your lives or at best monitored visitations or limited visitations. NO VERBAL CONTACT BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.
Nic: I’m going to add to what Learn has said. The reality is HE IS DISORDERED! That means his brain doesn’t work right. He is crazy. And he LOVES making you look like the fool AND . . .
IF YOU HAVE A LEGAL AGREEMENT, he may well use THAT to SCREW UP YOUR LIFE!!!!! Any . . .and I mean ANY link, hook, “agreement” is something he can use to GET you.
If your husband was a normal person/scumbag, then getting legal agreements and “boundaries” in place might help. He is acting like someone who thrills off of creating harm and chaos.
I agree with Learn’s numbers 3, 4, and 5. The faster you can get him to LOSE INTEREST, so this is HIS IDEA, the better. Any contract or “agreement” is a two-way street, and it can harm you while he uses it in ways you never imagined to screw you up.
We keep acting and thinking like we are dealing with someone who is just a few degrees off of normal. By the time someone has the track record of your husband, he shows up like a dangerously disordered person. In some ways, the fewer the contracts you have, the better. Get the divorce, and meanwhile, document his failure to parent, BUT DO NOT — I repeat, DO NOT — TELL HIM WHAT UPSETS YOU!!! You are only handing him ammunition in his war for your sanity. Anything you tell him about what a bad father he is only tells him what to do to make SURE that you are upset.
Be still. Be calm. If you have to stuff a cloth in your mouth so you don’t talk, then do it. If you were dealing with a NORMAL father, then he should hear your concerns. HE IS NOT NORMAL!
Nic, hello. Sorry you are going through this, again.
The car seat, if your child is going with him is a priority and should not be excused, I see you realize this.
I pulled up a page on car seat rules and Illinois came up, this is what it says about violations.
Child Safety Seat Requirements
Children under the age of 8 must be secured in an appropriate child restraint system, more commonly called a safety seat. Child safety seats include infant seats, convertible seats (rear-facing for infants and forward-facing for toddlers) and booster seats that are used with the vehicle lap shoulder belt system.
The parent or legal guardian of a child under the age of eight years is responsible for providing a child safety seat to anyone who transports his or her child.
Children weighing more than 40 pounds may be transported in the back seat of a motor vehicle while wearing only a lap belt if the back seat is not equipped with a lap and shoulder belt system.
Children ages 8 years of age or older but under the age of 16 must be secured in a properly adjusted safety belt in any position in the vehicle.
Persons in violation of this law will be subject to a $50 fine for a first offense. This fine will be waived upon proof of possession of an approved safety seat. Subsequent violations are punishable with a $100 fine.
http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments/drivers/programs/kiss.html
My thoughts are with you.
Nic & Is Opn: Keep in mind that this is not really about the safety seat — it is about the power struggle. If Nic can take the upper hand by eliminating the power struggle, this all stops.
The man is a danger to his child, car seat or no car seat. If the car seat regulations can be used to stop his abuse and make it inconvenient to play these dreadful games, then use the car seat regulations.
But remember, it’s not about the car seat — it’s about the power struggle.
This is important in any confrontation with a psychopathis person — it’s not about the issue in front of you, it’s about the power games. THAT is their craziness and THAT is why they can’t be trusted. Ever!
At one point I made the pick up and drop off at the police station. I was trying whatever I could to avoid confrontations at my house. A judge agreed and wrote it in a civil order I got when I was denied a restraining order. Problem for me is that I had to be at work at 7am. we would meet in the parking lot at 6:50 when no one was around. Sometimes he would be on time , sometimes be late, or not show at all forcing me to find last second childcare. Once, he spit in my face and drove off without the child. So I moved it to inside the station by the dispatcher. Once, I handed him the child and he said , he’d bring her back on a different day than he was supposed to. When I protested, he got the dispatchers attention and pointed at me. She told me to hand over the child.
He’s sly and he never stopped causing problems, to this day.
My friends felt that although she was a toddler it was not healthy for her to be picked up and dropped off at a police station. I ended up using a daycare center as a pick up and drop off, even though I had to pay for the whole day, if he didn’t show up at least I was covered.
I recently found out that a Franciscan church 15 minutes from me has a pick up and drop off service and some offer supervised visitation. Look for churches in your area through Catholic Charities. Your county courts Domestic Violence room should have literature. At least there may be someone who can ensure that he has a car seat and you avoid contact.
My child’s father made me jump through hoops and over hurdles expending untold energy and money. Crazy-making tactics. Like Rune says, stop and think, be proactive, not reactive. You are protecting your child and even if you do go to the police station they are usually willing to help and I think it is a good place to pick up and drop off. You have to keep your cool like oxy says and, if he is confrontational, you don’t have far to go to get help. It should also intimidate him and make the police aware of his behavior. Try to befriend the police, they are a big asset. In my town, I was told, at least 80% of their calls are domestic And they should have a domestic violence liaison. I insist you speak to this person right away. You are not a crazy person. You are a kind, caring, person and devoted mother who got mixed up with the wrong guy.
Domestic violence is an umbrella phrase for any kind of abuse, verbal, physical, mental, emotional, financial. sexual… You are being threatened, intimidated and your child is being used as leverage.
PLEASE tape record conversations and save voice messages. You do not have to tell him he is being taped. Document every incident on your calendar on the day it happened. All this is admissible in family court. And the judge will ask you for dates. This is so important.
The adrenaline hormones raging from dealing with the father plus the postpartum ones combined with the motherly instincts is an explosive, molotov cocktail, use is to your advantage. Once you got him on the run don’t stop until you nail him right where you want him. It is so important to stay focused and centered. esp. when being emotionally and psychologically abused, even in court. Yoga has helped me. Try deep breathing exercises. A child in common does not allow NC. Email is the best because you can easily bring a hard copy to court but be careful what you say.
If this is something that has to be addressed tomorrow and you need him to pick her up you can leave your car seat at the day care for him to borrow just in case he does not have one. I like the email someone suggested above. This makes you look good and shows you are taking responsibility for your child’s safety. Definitely good in case you need witnesses. If you don’t have anything in writing and you pick her up it sounds like he threatened to give you a hard time. Be prepared. In the meantime do your homework. Talk to police, domestic violence counseling to get the information and support you need.
You will have to take him to court if he does not cooperate. Don’t disobey any court orders. Court visitation for father is every other weekend Fri 6pm -Sun 6pm and one day during the week for dinner, every other holiday and 2 weeks summer vacation. I think, anything less than that he would have to agree to or you have the burden to prove him unfit. I think, it is difficult to get supervised visitation if there is no proof of neglect/abuse.
I’m sorry I don’t really know what your situation is, but I feel for you. I never worked so hard in my life, as I did the first 5 years of my child’s life dealing with the N. It took a huge toll on me. I got a restraining order Jan. 2009! I didn’t get one in 2003 because the judge didn’t believe me. I was sleep deprived, unprepared, shell-shocked, and most of all, I had no help. So that said, you are lucky to have a mom and friends on LF. you got my support and a hug.
Nic – good luck today. I think you last posted that you were going to offer for him to pick her up from your house. I also realized you always have to see him when he drops her off, so on the other end of it, if you have to see him (whether pickup at your house or daycare – it might be worthwhile to be there the next time its at the daycare to ensure he doesnt take her without a car seat – NO ALTERCATIONS or CONVERSATiONS. Simple one two three – he has a carseat or he doesnt. All this of course, AFTER you have given him written notice of the NEW RULE.
I understand what Rune is saying about him making things harder for you. And even though this is not about the carseat – Rune is right this is about his power — BUT any concern that you may be ruffling his feathers is superceded by your concern for your daughters SAFETY. Just because its a control issue doesnt mean you let this particular carseat issue slide… it becomes the MAIN ISSUE with regard to THE LAW AND HER LIFE. This is not something that can be negotiated. Its black and white. A CARSEAT IS THE LAW. I previously suggested you provide your carseat as a means to avoid any interaction – just have it there with her – daycares are required to be involved on that level – they then have to hand over your daughter and the carseat. (a temporary emergency solution – so he is not driving off with her unsafe). You then know she has one. Someone thought that might add to his ability to keep the carseat and further taunt you and leave you without one— but you have to see him at dropoff and get it. Perhaps a friend has an old one you can have on hand as a backup — again being prepared and proactive. Putting your foot down in a consistent calm cool fashion. Not all of a sudden throwing that rule at him after you guys have had a verbal argument about something else. But carrying through on your right to protect your daughter -even on the days you arent arguing.
As far as the legal custody agreement, I feel it is one of the only things that ultimately protects you and your daughter. Yes he may choose to abide or he may choose to make it hell for you — but it protects you in that you can legally take your daughter and remove her from the situation if he doesnt show up on time (which he never does) or if he doesnt have a carseat (which he has yet to provide). Right now everything is all over the place and you still find yourself conversing and escalating into arguing with him about how he didnt even bother to call and ask about her when she was sick,or see her, or how he doesnt seem to care about her as a father and I would bet my bottom dollar he is saying you make it hard for him to see her, and youre the crazy one because you tell him he can pick her up and then you get so frustrated thinking about whether he is one time, so you call him and ask and when he says hes leaving work in 5 minutes and that isnt acceptable to you – you go and get her – or he denies he ever said/did that etc.. and then you have to go in circles trying to figure out a location for pick up etc – without a binding legal custody agreement you are basically chasing your tail and HIM. With an agreement in place, there is NONE of this. There is a Set time, set location, set rules. If he doesnt adhere – he doesnt see her . There is absolutely no need for contact whatsoever. Will he give you a hard time? Probably or he very well may disappear if he is a deadbeat dad. Do you get a hard time anyway without it in place? YES! and you have no means in which to legally enforce the bare minimum. Date, time, place, carseat.
Stay NO CONTACT. Amazing Grace gave great insight to firsthand experience – Everything she suggested esp. talking to police and DVC to get support you need. Oxy and Runes advice is the same too, also extremely helpful as they have experienced the negative effects of these monsters where children are concerned. They know there is no win, but that with calm, careful, thoughtful actions on your part – there can be a resolution to your benefit.
We all have our suggestions and ideas and views, but it really comes down to what you want to do and what you actually are able to do. Collectively we offer many options – but you have to do what you feel is safest for yourself and your daughter. Even if that means not allowing him to see her at all today. Or at least with a carseat.
You can do this Nic. Separate your emotions about his bad parenting and the choices he makes to put her last in his life — separate that from the obvious that he needs to pick her up at destination A.B or C, by a certain time and with a carseat. Or if you feel he is a danger to your daughter, you need to not allow visitation and seek legal advice on how to enforce no visitation and protect her. Ill be thinking of you and praying for a resolution. We are all here for you and wish you didnt have to deal with this, but unfortunately you do Nic. ((hugs))