By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Dear Nic
The last paragraph that Learned wrote is the thing that is the hardest to do, SEPARATE YOUR EMOTIONS about his bad parenting.
Good luck sweetie! You know we are ALL IN YOUR CORNER, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE CHOICES AND TO CARRY THEM OUT!!! We are confident you can do it though!!!!! ((((hugs))) and you know you are always in my prayers.
Dear Nic,
I’ve read the above and you’ve been given some really good advice. I’d just like to add that if you can afford it, you might just want to purchase another car seat and have it at the daycare center, note attached to it that he can keep it since it is the law that a small child ride in a carseat, and she needs to be safely buckled in. Also send the information nicely via email so you have documentation that you are being “agreeable”. Seems a small price to pay to me to ensure your daughter is safely in a carseat and that the car seat drama is ended. (and yes, I realize it is not fair for you to have to buy it, but it still solves the problem).
If my memory serves me correctly (and it often doesn’t) this Wednesday visitation is not part of the visitation agreement anyhow, but you are allowing it as a courtesy. Therefore, I would also send an email that nicely tells him that the child needs to be picked up by 5:00 pm (or whatever time) and that if he is not there (I’d give him maybe 15 minutes) you will assume he is unable to get her and you will pick her up. End of story. Then stick to that without phone calls and drama. If he phones to complain because you picked her up when he didn’t show, simply don’t answer the phone or the door if he shows up. He can’t MAKE you do either of those things. Stick to email communication and don’t even bother arguing the point thru email. Just reinterate the rules. End of story. If he doesn’t like that tough–he can get her according to the contractual times.
Although I realize you want him to show concern for when the child is sick, etc. you really cannot control any of that. I’m assuming this child is a baby (or toddler stage), so a baby is not going to get a whole lot out of a phone call anyhow, so basically if he did phone wouldn’t he just end up talking to you? So, I think you have to ask yourself why you are wanting this contact? Although a normal concerned parent would phone, he isn’t a normal parent, and any phone contact the two of you have sounds like it ends in drama anyways and upsets you. So, like everyone else said, the less contact the better. Plus, he is not legally bound to phone and ask about her. What he does outside of the legal agreement, is really HIS business, and although it hurts to realize he doesn’t give a flip, you need to stick to the part you can control, fulfilling your end of the legal agreement.
I tend to think like the above posters, that the carseat issue is really about a power struggle. It could go on for forever as could the “pick up time” issue at the daycare. It just seems like alot of unnessary drama that could be easily solved.
Jen & Nic: If you gave him a car seat he can still choose NOT to use it. He’ll “forget it,” and so on. This is about the power struggle, and if he is saying in his passive-aggressive way, “I don’t want to see my child on Wednesday,” then just get out of the drama.
The sooner he is out of your life on every level the better. He is not a good father. With all the signs of serious mental disorder that he is showing, you don’t want him anywhere near your child.
The S/P I was involved with liked to drive at 100 mph with his young daughters jumping up and down in the back of the station wagon. Not in seatbelts, and when I said anything, he laughed it off and encouraged the children to keep jumping up and down.
If you were dealing with a normal man, so much of this advice is good. BUT HE IS NOT NORMAL!!!
If he buys his own car seat, there’s a better chance he’ll actually use it. But YOU DON’T WANT HIM IN YOUR DAUGHTER’S LIFE!
In fact, if you were dealing with a normal father, none of this would be an issue.
Dear Rune,
You are absolutely right, he could chose not to use it. But the means to the END, is two choices – STOP VISITATION OR AT THE MINIMUM DEMAND A CARSEAT AND IF THAT FAILS PROVIDE THE CAR SEAT – WHILE THIS IS TAKING PLACE – AT LEAST SHE CAN SHOW UP IN COURT AND PROVIDE WRITTEN DOCUMENTATION THAT SHE REQUESTED HE OBEY THE LAW AND FURTHER SHE EVEN WENT SO FAR AS TO OFFER HER OWN CAR SEAT, ETC….
Excuse the capitalizations of all my words… sometimes i choose one word and never take off the caps lock and by time i realize its too much energy to go back and retype all my words 🙂
Point being, just because not dealing with a normal father, doesnt mean she has to adjust to his abnormal ways on the carseat issue – that remains a constant enforcement until the child is over 8 years old. What he does once he drives off with her in the carseat is on him – but Mom has the obligation to ensure her daughter is driven away in a carseat. How do you accomplish that? An email request, a denial of visitation if not abiding, or in the least provide the car seat for him and move on to the next big item on the list – A DIVORCE.
Yes on the whole, the car seat is just his powerstruggle, the big picture is the power struggle and control between parents and then the emotional turmoil Nic is going through = but unfortunately he chose to have a powerstruggle over something that is ILLEGAL – and not to be ignored.
I agree with Jen – get the car seat issue resolved the best easiest way possible – and move on to the REAL BIG ISSUES. Custody, visitation, or NONE.
Also I might add that once she has provided the car seat and has documentation she had done so, if he does not bring the car seat, then instead of arguing the point with him, as he pulls away from the curb, jot down his license number and call the police. It is illegal for him to drive with the child unrestrained. She could argue the point with him till hell freezes over and it results in nothing but arguement. But clearly spelled out emails, then noncompliance on his part = NO dramatic confrontations from her, but a simple phone call to the police by her. Then let them deal with it. A few hits to his wallet might motivate him.
The bottom line with S’s/N’s/P’s is drama excites them like blood in the water excites sharks. They love games, and everything is a game to them, everything is a power play. It’s why you can’t play their games, it just excites them more, the only way to beat them is to not play. It’s a carseat today, a pickup time tomorrow, if you remove those obstacles, it will be something else. The more you engage him in discussions the more he thinks you’re playing his game, and he has to win. The only way to stop playing is to take the steps Learn listed up above. If you have an order in place, you document every single time he violates the order (ie. March 18, 2009 he did not show up at the day care center by 5:15 so I picked up our child and took her home). Then when you appear before a judge and he cries about what a good father he is and how you won’t let him see the baby, you present the judge with your journal of detailed facts. I’ve seen this many times on a baby-related message board I belong to, in fact I’m willing to bet quite a few of the “sperm donors” are S’s and P’s. One lady finally had enough of being harassed by her ex and had it put in their custody agreement that all communication had to be done through her lawyer since they couldn’t speak to each other directly without fighting, the guy refuses to speak to her lawyer and is still calling her, but she doesn’t answer and when he claims she’s keeping his son from him he looks pretty stupid in court.
nic:
Part of the Illinois statute reads as follows:
“The parent or legal guardian of a child under the age of eight years is responsible for providing a child safety seat to anyone who transports his or her child.”
This is a strict liability statute. This goes beyond whether or not your child’s father drives her around without a car seat. This means that YOU as PARENT is responsible for making sure HE has a car seat.
This is no longer about HIM. This is now about YOU. In your shoes I would arrange for him to pick up and drop off your daughter at the police station. And I would ask a cop to be there each time. I will lay money on this — when you tell him that the pick up spot is going to be the police station — he WILL show up with a car seat.
Also, no phone conversations. For that matter, no emails, beyond the strictly business (Drop off and pick up times). Tell him if he has anything to discuss, direct it to your lawyer.
nic:
I should have added, not only are YOU responsible for making sure he has a car seat, but YOU WILL BE LIABLE. Punto. End of story.
No more negotiating with him. I would not only have the cops there for the pickup and drop off, I would also have a printed out copy of the statute to give him if he starts anything.
Hi LF buddies. I received this as one of my birthday e-mails … which I’d like to share with all of you.
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
— Mother Teresa
[Agnes Gonxha Beiaxhiu] (1910-1997)
Humanitarian,
Nobel Peace Prize 1979
Do It Anyway (a Sign In Mother Teresa’s Office)
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU’VE GOT ANYWAY.
********************************************
From a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, the Children’s home in Calcutta
“Human rights are not a privilege conferred by government.
They are every human being’s entitlement by virtue of his humanity.
The right to life does not depend, and must not be contingent, on the pleasure of anyone else, not even a parent or sovereign. …
You must weep that your own government, at present, seems blind to this truth.”
— Mother Teresa
[Agnes Gonxha Beiaxhiu] (1910-1997)
Humanitarian, Nobel Peace Prize 1979
********************************************
“There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well.
They must have worked for it.
I only feel angry when I see waste.
When I see people throwing away things we could use.”
Mother Teresa (1910-1997), A Gift for God, 1975.
http://www.epa.gov/Region2/library/quotes.htm
********************************************
Whatsoever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31
Peace to everyone’s hearts and souls. You are truly beautiful.