By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Dear Aloha,
I would love to get a note from you off line, there are some questions and advice I would like to ask you that are not really appropriate here on this blog. If you are agreeable, please tell donna.
Thank you so much for all your kudos! You don’t know how much that means coming from such a strong wonderfull woman as yourself! You have been MY inspiration since I came here and “met” you. I have seen the growth in you through the many months. You have no idea how GLAD I AM that you will be going to school for your masters in social work! You are a natural!!!!WAY YO GO!!!! TOWANDA!!! That is the way to make lemonaid out of the lemons (of the BM experience). What a wonderful victi advocate you will be!!!!!
I know you have been busy, but I miss your daily posts when you are gone for a few days. I know being retired gives me more time to get on line than it does you (and the frequent breaks I have to take during the day etc)
CONGRATULATIONS for paying off your debts! That is great Aloha, I know tht has been a heavy burden on your back all this time. DEBT FREE!!!!! TOWANDA!!!! again.
I’m anxious for spring to get here and STAY here, after a few days of 70 degee weather we went back to ice, snow, and cold rain. Not much of the first two but plenty of the last one. Sons are gone housesitting for a couple of weeks so I am mainly just vegging inside til tomorrow when it will warm up!!!! I’m ready!!!!
When will your classes start on your masters? Where? I am so excited for you! This is just great news!!!!! WOW!!!!! If you will let me know when and where you will graduate I will BE THERE, if I have to walk (or ride Fat or Hairy) cause I can’t afford a bus ticket! ((((hugs)))) and always all my prayers for you my friend!!!
AlohaT (your new hiphop name lol),
Yes, I have a little. It’s different with people in real life though. I think it’s easier to hide behind the anonymity of the internet where you don’t have to even look into people’s eyes and let them see into yours.
I’m so glad you are doing so well and also that you drop in once in a while, even though your bad “incident” is long past. Good for you for starting school. Sounds like a stepping stone for a great life ahead.
SG,
I am in the same situation as you are. I can take care of the “physical me”, but I sadly lack the ability to take care of the “emotional me”. I don’t honestly think I’ve ever learned how to do that. I had my first child when I was 20, & I think for the last 34 years, I have been meeting the needs of raising 4 kids, working full time, & the 10 wasted & exhausting years with the s, I get a total case of the guilts if I even think about doing anything for me. I’ve thought alot about that this week. I have always been a nurturer for as long as I can remember-to everyone but myself. All of my kids are out on their own, now, & the only person I have to take care of is me…but I don’t know how.
Oxy & Henry,
I do have something good to tell you both. I got a phone call on Thurs. night from the couple who had adpted my dog. It turns out that they wanted to bring her back, because they couldn’t get her to eat. They loved her to pieces, but they said she just missed me too much, so they brought her home. I know I’ll probably have the dickens to pay when my 2 kids find out. They never liked my dog. But at least I’ve got my ole buddy back! We’re like 2 cranky old cronies who are used to each others ways.
SSStiles,
From another animal lover, it melts my heart that you got your dog back. Here is a link to another animal-human reunion that makes me cry every time. (Caution: You will need Kleenex to watch it). Some of you may have seen it already but this is the full version.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5vRPKIS5UM
Dear Stiles,
Well, if you gave up your dog to “please” your kids, tell them to take a hike and keep the dog. A good dog is TOO hard to find, you can replace the kids! LOL I AM glad you have her back. That kind of love and devotion makes all the trouble they are worthwhile.
I had one once years ago that I ended up having to put to sleep because I could NOT take care of her and there was no way she could be re-homed (she would have died) and it broke my heart to do so. Even moving my old Pyrenees that summer I had to run traumatized her as much as me. She was terrified of gun fire and it was July 4th and where we were it sounded like a mexican revolution of fire crackers for two weeks. A 110 pound dog that is terrified is something, too, and she was not a house dog. I chained her and she ate the tree dow, I penned her and she destroyed a THICK chain link fence with her teeth, pulled so hard she broke toes. I finally would put her in the RV at night in the “toy room” but had to chain her to the floor with only about 6 inches of chain as she was trying to claw her way out the window otherwise. She did have about 2-3 months of good life and run loose before she was murdered on thanksgiving day. She was a great dog and I still miss her. She dicdn’t want to eat either when she was so upset, I followed her around with hamburger begging her to eat, then cooked it, in various kinds of done, put gravy on it, etc. so I did keep her from starving to death at least.
My an-i-mules are part of my family, but if my situation calls for it again, I would put them down before I would traumatize any of them by forced unhappy re-homing again. I’m glad she is back with you.
Learning how to nurture youself and NOT feel guilty is a thing I have had to work hard on, Stiles, and I think it was really hard for me because I didn’t have PERMISSION to take care of myself. I always wanted someone there for ME, but except for my late husband and son D it seemed that there was never anyone there for ME—it was always me being there for THEM, but when my “turn” came, I was expected to take care of myself, but since I didn’t hve permission to, I didn’t know how or that it was even OK. Now I do know it is okay and I am working on the guilty feeling of doing it. It is getting much better, but I do have to remind myself it is OK. My sons have been telling me that for years, but I never believed them.
If they are working around here and I don’t want to that day, I tell them and they will say “GOOD go paint a picture or whatever” and I get a twinge of guilt, but it is getting better. So you CAN DO IT!!!! You are stronger than you know! (((hugs)))
Sometimes learning how to nurture ourselves is easier said than done. I recall having mild anxiety attacks when I was young of “wanting something” but not knowing what it was I wanted. Even then, I didn’t recognize my needs. I used to assume is was thirst, and I’d usually have a coke or a root beer (root beer was for the extreme thirst).
As an adult, it’s still tricky sometimes. The voice in my head says: “You should get up and clean your house and work out”, while what I really want is to sleep in, cuddle my animals, and meditate. It’s hard sometimes to figure out what I really need and want. It is most often found in silence.
When I say I’ve been finding joy in life lately, it’s because I’ve been actually identifying fun things I want to do–things I used to do, like go to flea markets, ethnic restaurants, and independent films–and doing those things again. It brings me back to my mid-20’s when I was living in San Francisco and doing those things all the time. It’s funny–something many people take for granted–figuring out what you want/need in the moment is like pulling teeth for an adult child of narcissists.
OxDrover:
Good post. Oddly enough, a friend who runs an animal rescue in one of the Southern states sent me the “golden gates” story a few weeks ago. Still, I know well the wonderland of deceit and deception.
Alohatraveler:
I guess you have a big “free at last, free at last, thank God almighty she’s free at last coming.” Congratulations on paying off the last of the debt. I think one of the true hells on earth is having to face credit card and other debts long after the sociopath is gone. Last month I paid off the last of my sociopath debt last month — now that S is out of my life, I really am free.
Tonight I’m sitting here pondering one of life’s little ironies. I mailed my 2008 taxes today. I came home to find a letter from the IRS audting certain parts of my 2007 taxes. So, I’m sitting here tonight with a scotch and sorting through receipts (once again).
Of course, in the middle of the sorting I’m looking at my AMEX statement for 2007 when the S came into my life. My blood pressure is steadily rising as I look at what I racked up in the last 5 months of 2007. If I looked at my 2008 AMEX and mastercard statements I would truly blow my brains out.
Of course, it could be worse. I could still have S bleeding me dry. All together class “free at last, free at last…”
Stargazer:
“Sometimes learning how to nurture ourselves is easier said than done.”
So true.
Now that I’m out of work, obviously I’m worried about money. Suze Orman says “get rid of the things that make you feel poor. This morning when I woke up, I looked at my tattered, stained bath towels. And I thought how depressing to look at these things. And then, after I mailed out this year’s taxes I came home to a letter from the IRS that they are auditing 2007.
I got all bent out of shape. And then I thought — what can you do to make yourself feel better? And I thought — nice bath towels. You start the day out with a shower, so a nice towel to dry off with will make you feel better about yourself.
So I went out to Bed, Bath and Beyond and found a few nice towels on sale. I started to put them back thinking I couldn’t afford them. And then I realized that I’d feel so much better psychologically — and the 20 bucks they would cost me was a heck of a lot cheaper than spending the money on a therapist or going to my doctor for some stress related ailment.
Moral of the story, we need to take care of ourselves.
Matt, I was smiling when reading your towel story. A year or so ago, I did the same thing. I got tired of my Walmart towels so I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and bought the softest towels they had in the store. They cost a small fortune, but I love the way they feel next to my skin. Last December I traded in my old torn Craig’s List sofa for a gorgeous Italian leather set (again from Craig’s list). I felt so guilty about it. But sitting on them is like sitting on a cloud. I have a hard time spending money on myself. I do it anyway, but I usually feel guilty about it.
Stargazer:
If we don’t spend it on ourselves, who are we going to spend it on? Not the sociopaths, not anymore we won’t!!!