By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Damn straight. I never spent any money on a sociopath. He only played me for sex. It’s the army that is his sugar momma. They have way more money than I do! lol
Stargazer:
I love my new towels. God bless Wamsutta.
I love my soft towels, world’s softest bath robe (that I never wear but I get relaxed even looking at it!) and Italian leather furniture. When I lie down on that sofa, I become one with it. Perhaps some day I will buy a matching set of dishes and silverware. Nah, I’m good. lol
I still feel guilty because I pride myself on being resourceful. Also, I think about all the homeless cats (and snakes) that money could feed. 🙁
Decent Stuff and $$$$
One of my girlfriends and I spend Saturday cruising the thrift stores. We had mixed results. There are plenty of nice things to be had at good prices. There was also a surprising amount of inflation at the thrift stores. They’ve been doing a land office business since the economic downturn, so they have been able to raise prices. I guess that’s good, since each thrift store in our town supports a worthy charity. On the other hand, some of the prices were more expensive than the objects would have cost new.
I still think thrift stores can be a bargain hunters Paradise, but you can’t leave your common sense behind. Thrift stores are good places for me to acquire things that aren’t fashionable, but still have value to the buyer.
I use the old fashioned corning ware cooking and serving pieces. I can always find them at the thrift stores. Equally thrilling is that I can replace lids very easily at the thrift stores. There’s always a bin with orphaned casserole dish lids waiting to be adopted for a nominal fee!
My girlfriend was searching for craft supplies. She bought several unfashionable prom dresses at cut rate prices which she planned to turn into silk flowers. Her silk flowers are stunning, and quite unique. Some clever knitters buy old sweaters made from high end angora, cashmere or lambswool yarn. The cost of luxury yarns at a craft store is astronomical, so this really makes sense. Old candles can be melted down to make creative new candles at a fraction of the cost. The list goes on and on.
I buy depression glass and well made baskets at the thrift store. These items make great gift baskets or gift cookie plates. I also buy dishes from patterns that are no longer easy to find. Many of my relatives and friends selected their “every day” dishes from a pattern that was readily available from Walmart, Kmart or Target a decade or two ago, but has now become a specialty mail order item. No problem. I can find them replacement pieces at the thrift store. They appreciate this more than something new I might purchase them for a gift.
While most prices on new goods are going higher and higher, some are getting lower. Electronics are getting downright cheap. I am on the market for an electronic keyboard to help with my children’s music education. The prices are down on these items by a whopping 30% or better. In general, musical instrument prices seem to be dropping. Computers are getting less expensive too.
If you’re unemployed now, take heart. You can now dine out at breakfast time and really cash in on lunch specials. My husband and I routinely go out to breakfast together. It’s way cheaper than dinner, much quieter, and just as fun. Lunch is a meal most folks are forced to rush through. If you don’t have to get back to work, you can really enjoy a lunch at a nice restaurant. Your meal costs about half what dinner would, and you’re free to arrive early and leave late, having savored both the meal and the atmosphere.
My husband and I ofter refer to the time vs money factor. By this we mean that if you have time to invest, you can often spend less money. If time is at a premium, you often are forced to pay much more. If you’re not working, you don’t have much money, but you can invest time in finding the bargains.
You should be able to “treat yourself” regularly.
Hi Folks – I was posting a few weeks ago and you all welcomed me with support and advice.
I was not able to post for a few weeks –
I had gotten up the day the appraisals on our houses were to be done and wanted to mop the floors fresh since we had a March snowstorm – you know -salt, yuk – anyway – I fell and really ripped my back up.
I am finally able to sit at the computer this morning, I did however, print out the blogs to read while I was on the heating pad so I have kept up.
For me – appraisals are done but the lawyer bill is climbing excessively due to My n-husbands lack od cooperation and meeting deadlines – AND HE FILED!!!
So , now a bill came yesterday for $8000.00 for January and February services. I am devastated- this after $10,000.00 from August thru December.
Has anyone else experienced these delay tactics ????
NH knows I have NO money here at the house – he took all of it and did what he wanted.
How will I proceed with the divorce if I cannot pay the lawyer?
I have no one to go to – who would loan me money I can’t pay back?
And I don’t want to take a loan out I know I cannot pay.
What would my next steps be???
I have read alot of good progress here- all of you supporting and encouraging each other.
newlife08: Welcome back. I am sorry to hear you have injured your back. And that you have been able to print out the blogs.
re: the lawyer bill is climbing excessively due to My n-husbands lack od cooperation and meeting deadlines – AND HE FILED!!!
An option may be, since your N is causing the delays by not cooperating, that you could have it written in the divorce that N PAYS YOUR ATTORNEY FEES.
Dear Newlife08,
Yes I experienced problems like this. However, I did not even have a house to get an aprasial for. My “bad man” knew exactly what he was doing by keeping me from having any resources money or friendship support wise. If you truely have no money there are community agencies that can assist you. Call your local women’s domestic violence shelter. Even if you were not physically abused, mental and emotional abuse can be just as devestating. I did not think I would ever get through the whole divorce process. My Ex was good, very good at having things turn out his way, while dodging all responsibility. Because of the love and support I received here and by contacting and accepting advice of local agencies, I was granted a divorce. I totally, represented myself. My ex never complied with anything and did not even show up to court. The Judge did not take kindly to his actions and was more than fair to me.
Please be good to yourself. Remember to breathe. You will not react appropriatly if you allow yourself to crumble. I thought of it this way…If I crumble…he really does win. When I left (excuse me “escaped”) I only placed afew box’s of my belongings in the back of my truck and moved 2000 miles away. Stuff is stuff. I had gave him my heart and 45 years worth of belongings…I was not going to give him my soul on a platter.
Here’s the scary part for me, even after going through all the above, the second after reading this blog I told my self “SEE, YOU ArE NO GOOD, YOU ABANDONED HIM. SHAME ON YOU.
Even though the last sentence said “She is ME”. I am still stuck on him.
This is the saddest, sickest part of this whole ride. However, I am getting much better. I now have more strenght getting through this whole economic thing, because If I made it through my leaving and divorce…I know I will get through anything. Hang in there. Keep coming back. No question is a stupid question. We can only offer our experience, strenght and hope.
P.S I also was fighting the IRS who said I was responsible for my EX”s large tax big. Again I was scared to death. I had no attorney. I just did the best I could do. I had to go through a appeal. I wanted to say screw it because I was so tired of fighting. I am glad that I did not give up, because I received a call the other day saying that they are granting me innocent spouse relief.
Just don’t ever forget to BREATHE>>>TAke Care
Dear New Life,
Dear, I know they are unreasonable and will do everything they can to kick you while you are down!
Molly’s advice is good, and as hard as it is try not to despair that there is no way out. Take her suggestions and see if you can find assistance. Take care of yourself. ((((hugs)))) and always prayers.
NL08: Just wanted to say Hi! Glad you are feeling better. The advice Molly gave about contacting local agencies sounds very good, and knowing you’ll get through this and hanging in there is exactly what I wanted to say!
MOLLY: Yes, it is the same for me! I blame myself and I’m still stuck on him, I guess I’ll just have to ride the wave until it flows back into itself.
newlife08:
I can relate to the bad back thing — I threw out my back a week ago — off to the chiropractor again tomorrow.
Your S is playing the classic wear her down by dragging your feet game. He is determined to run the clock down and run your bank book out.
I think at this point I would have your lawyers go into court and tell the judge that your husband is refusing to cooperate and have the judge make a judicial determination on what the fair value is of ALL the holdings — limited partnerships, C Corps, S corps, limited partnerships, LLCs, the works, and then assign you an interest in the accounts, assets, whatever you can lay your hands on.
Regarding your lawyer’s fees, if there is substantial equity in the properties, you could ask your lawyers to take a piece of the backside (divorce settlement) — essentially paying them a contingency fee. However, in a declining market lawyers will probably be reluctant to do so. While you can ask the judge to award you legal fees, your lawyers will be looking to you for the money, and then you are the one who is going to be chasing your husband for the money.
I still think your best leverage is with the tax authorities and the liquor licensing board. I recently looked at the licensing criteria for a friend who is having similar problems with her husband who just happens to hold a liquor license. One of the licensing authorities requirements for them to issue and allow a permittee to continue to hold a license is proof of financial soundness.
Since your S is obviously hiding assets and draining equity out of marital assets, I suspect this might not sit well with your state licensing authorities. It is common knowledge that restaurants make most of their money off their liquor licenses. No license, I suspect his Protugese barbeque isn’t worth a hell of a lot.