By Ox Drover
Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story.
A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly looking man and asked where he was. The man softly touched his arm, reassuring him, and then said, “Step into Heaven my friend, you are safely here.” The man started toward this wonderful golden gate, but just before he stepped through., the kindly stranger at the gate said, “Oh, your dog can’t go with you, he has no soul.”
The man looked at his dog, standing faithfully beside him in death as he had in life, and sadly turned away from the entrance to Heaven and started walking down the road again. Soon he came to a very plain looking, rustic gate with a rustic man sitting by the gate.
He approached the man by the gate and said “My dog and I are very thirsty and we would love a drink of water if you could provide us with some.” Of course the rustic man invited the man into his lane, gave him and the dog both a bowl of water and said, “welcome.”
When the man asked “Where am I?” The rustic old man said “Well, son you’re in Heaven” The man was confused and asked about the glittering golden gates he had passed because they wouldn’t let his dog in with him, and the rustic old saint said, “Oh, yea, that’s Hell, we use him to screen out the riff raff. We don’t want anyone here who would desert his dog or a friend for what appears to be the golden gates.”
I got to thinking of that man as an analogy of my life, and I realized that so many times I have deserted my best friend (myself) for what appeared a “golden gate” of the easy path. I have gotten off the Road to Healing long before I even approached taking care of myself. I have entered into the false Heaven because it looked so easy, so wonderful, and I have left my best friend — myself–standing alone out side while I entered into this wonderland of deceit and self deception—again and again.
This time, I am determined to bypass the “quick and easy” solutions and to stay on the road to Healing and to take my best friend with me, to care for her ”¦ she deserves my love and nurturing. No one who will not recognize that my best friend is valuable, that I cannot do less than respect her, deserves a place in my life. No one else can take responsibility and make me happy without her. She is ME.
Oxy,
You will have more than three years to save for your bus ticket. HAHA! I will be going to San Jose State in CA. Once I am finished with that, I think I will move back to Maui and state a non-profit to help the many victims of the Bad Man. JUST KIDDING!!! No. I don’t think I will move back there.. but I might leave CA. Who knows.
I am still connecte as much as I can to LF. I try not to miss an article and I try to keep up with the conversations… but I can’t. I am trying to get away from this little blinking curser and get on with life.. but this is important to me and all the readers here are important to me and so I lurk… :o)
LF is a part of my education and I love all the articles about human motivations and stuff like that. We are talking about the same stuff in my field and I get to see people in “lizard brain” all day. Ya know what I mean?
It was weird about paying off the debt. I paid my last $300.00 with an online payment and then I felt a wave of something.. it wasn’t actually relief.. it was more like an anxiety attack which I do still have occassionally. I almost cried but I didn’t. I just felt a surge of happiness, sadness, relief, disbelief, eveything at once. Maybe that is why the anxiety. It was kind of like… does this mean it’s al over now? This nightmare? I remember sitting with my Mom two or so years ago and asking her, “Should I file for bankruptcy?” She said no. My credit rating is better than even because I never defaulted on anything but it was a scramble many times… and my friends that I live with put out their hands and helped me to climb out of that deep dark hole…. I just gave them a raise on the rent. :O)
Anyway, that’s just my story.
Matt,
You are such a treasure! I can’t believe your generosity in helping people here with advice. So many readers have been so screwed over! It is wonderful that they can ask you for some tips and you really get where they are coming from.
I just wanted to say that.. :O)
And yes, I am FREE AT LAST!
That still gives me a little anxiety feeling. I wonder why? I think it hasn’t sunk in. Perhaps on my next pay day when there is no one to pay but me.. what a novelty.. then I will feel peaceful. It doesn’t seem real. The theme of my life has been feeling overwhelmed by debts for so long.
I realize I am lucky that the debts I incurred were possible to pay off. I know there are readers that lost so much more than I did.
YOu guys are TOOOOO FUNNY! But the nice thing about you all is that you all know me well enough now to take me with a grain of salt or two! LOL
It IS the LITTLE things that makes you happy in the NOW. You all talking abot your “good bubble bath” and plush towels, makes me think about me doing that very kind of thing!
Of course I am am a very limited budget for the “nice” things I like, but I frequent a local auction which you NEVER know what you will find there. I bought this huge pile (a pick up load) of blankets and pillows for $5 for the entire lot! Most of the blankets washed up nicely and I will sell them at a yard sale or donate them to a shelter (they are all almost new) but there was a bed skirt, comforter and pillow shams that were totally new, still in the wrapper, soooooo plush an sooooo soft, and one side is satin, the other is tapestry. I saw one advertised in the paper in a “ritzy” store for over $300. It is now my “winter” outfit for my bedroom and goes perfectly with my carpet and wall paper in there, and I feel so ROYAL sleeping under such a wonderful comforter. My summer bed outfit is a gorgeous antique quilt made of the most tiny pieces and quilted in museum quality stitchery that I paid only $15 for at the auction. My egg donor is a super quilter (several best of state show winners) and I have learned quite a bit about what makes a truly valuable quilt, including the 16 stitches to the inch etc. and this one qualifies. It is probably from the 1920-30s and was probably someone’s wedding quilt. Very thin batting and is in excellent condition. I love it in the summer time with the white background and colorful flowers…It is so “summery” and so RICH I just love it. It is actually probably “worth” a great deal of money, but I decided to KEEP IT FOR MYSELF because I deserve NICE THINGS TOO! Actually, my home is filled with various antiques and unique pieces that I have picked up here or there, but each piece is individually chosen because I LIKED IT (and if I got a good bargain, I liked it even better) but it makes my house uniquely mine. No one could ever go to a furniture store and reproduce my unique house with some 120 yr old antiques, some 150 years old and some more modern pieces from the 20s and 30s— just deciding to keep that quilt though made me feel good about and for myself.
I don’t mind picking up new jeans for around the farm at the Good Will, Fat and Hairy don’t care and neither do the goats or the dogs, and as long as my own arse is covered it’s fine with me. Having MY things about me though is nice, but I realize too, after I took the plunge and took off for parts unknown that THINGS don’t make me who I am. I am the same person in a pair of Good Will jeans that I would be in the most expensive dress or slacks. It isn’t about impressing others with WHAT I have, it is who I am that matters.
Being good to myself when I can, and enjoying the little things IS wonderful. While I didn’t have the money to splurge on a $300 soft comforter, I did spend my time and found one for $5—I think someone else said something about time vs money today on one of the threads, so I do have more time than money and I use the time to find good things to enjoy.
Every night when I go to sleep under that very light and very warm comforter I AM comforted. Aloha, you are so right, “LIFE IS NOW.”
Stargazer,
It is difficult to let people in to our world.. especially when we don’t feel so good about it.
Some readers might remember when I was dating the man we call “Pizza Man.” He didn’t get me. I think he thought I was nuts… I think he thought I must have been the one with problems because I told him a little about the BM and then I was very uneasy and paranoid when I was with PM. He told me to not contact him! ACK! How horrible!!! That was very upsetting. But.. in retrospect.. my story did sound quite improbable to him… and my behavior was quite paranoid. I am sure I did seem like a nut job. I was not ready for dating though it had been three years or so, I think. I just wasn’t ready.
Anyway, letting people in is hard and looking someone in the eye is hard too but for me, I went through a phase where all I wanted to do was sit side by side with someone that understood how damaged I felt right down to my soul. I just wanted to be deeply understood. I think I may have that right now… being understood is what helps us to let it go, I think. That is what is true for me.
I guess I am just rambling here.
You have us here at LF that understand. I gave up having lots of people undersand. I did find one person, a real live person in my life, that has taken the time to understand all this and for that I am grateful.. and it’s enough. That is all I need.. just one.
I hope you enjoy your towels and your sofa! You are worth it!
:o)
Dear Aloha,
That is a strange feeling when you come to one of those milestones with something like that….I know you have been plugging away and sweating over getting it paid off for a long time. I remember when I paid off the last of my student loans and the last of my credit card balances…so I can relate too. I hate to be in debt, I guess it is my grandparents’ “depression era mentality.”
Congratulations again! and I am so happy for you. You have a goal IN SIGHT, and that is a wonderful thing. I know paying off your debt is wonderful and gives relief not to ave to worry about it any more, and a sense of freedom,, too, I would imagine as well. Reaching that milestone I hope will give you courage to keep on reaching for the “stars” with your other goal, And, I am serious about being there to see you graduate! Nothing would give me more pleasure! We’ve walked down this rocky, bumpy, pot-hole-filled road together quite a while my friend and it brings tears to my eyes of JOY to know you are doing so well….of most of the people who were here when I first started blogging, you are one of the few still here with me. We have both made a lot of progress from those days. I can’t even remember exactly how long I have been here at LF…I’d be afraid to go back and re-read some of my earlier posts! (embarassed? LOL)
I am sure you will be busy with your studies and your RL, I am sort of “home alone” the last few days with bad weather but will be off to house sit for a few days while the guys come home with good weather tomorrow so they can work outside.
Take care and glad you are still lurking around! ((((hugs))) and always prayers for you my friend.
I am just re-connecting to old friends, 5 years after the s.
Unfortunately, I have cut ties with many dear friends and family because the s make fun of them and told me that he thought I deserved better “quality” people.
In reality, these people were my friends and family. Now I realize that they were my true friends and they loved and love me for who I am. I feel lucky to be able to re-connect with them. They tell me that they felt concerned about me when I was with the s and I changed while I was with the s. They did not want to interfere. I also did not reach out to them.
I guess this is pretty common in relationships with sociopaths. They slowly cut off social networks by bad-mouthing, devaluing. They want to be the only one for you. Trapped.
Thank you for the post about the man and his dog. It really reminds me to value of what I have lost and found again.
DEar greenfern,
I am glad that you are able to reconnect with your family and friends from Pre-sociopath. Sometimes they destroy those connections, or we allow them to. It is sad, but common.
Hi OxDrover,
I was discussing this with my therapist last week…
In my case, often, the self destruction was carried out by me. What is weird that the s I was with just set the destruction into motion and then set back and watched the “show”.
There are receptor cells in the body, and viruses plug into these receptors. I felt like the s has plugged into my insecurity and fear receptors and sent my own systems into a self destruct immune response.
He knew the weak points and used them to turn myself against myself. He did not outright tell me to stop to be friends with a person, but did it more by proxy, criticizing them and telling me that they were using me (projection perhaps?)
So, in order to make my relationship work with the s, I have cut off my friends.
That’s what can be so maddening after the s leaves, there is no hard proof what the s has said or done. He did those things through us. Does this make sense?
Dear Greenfern!!!
ABSOLUTE SENSE!!! You absolutely nailed it in my case. By making me appear “crazy” the P son alienated me from the rest of my family and put himself in the place of their “savior” which considering he is in prison, him manipulating this situation was really one of “musical chairs” on the DRAMA TRIANGLE of “rescuer, persecutor, and victim” The music went so FAST and furious and the chair changing of the roles of VP&R went so fast, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. He played it to perfection and I fell into the trap and cut my own “thoat” and of cousre, he was “innocent.” LOL
REAL and COMPLETE healing is I think when we start to learn what it is about ourselves tht allowed them to tap into our weaknesses to make us dance to their piping! This I think is the first time I have gotten far enough along the road toward healing and not gotten off before I fixed myself. I don’t intend to get off, ever, but to live life and enjoy it, but keeping my eyes OPEN for red flags in others and for signs of a “limp” in myself. Learning should be a life long task, not just learning one aspect of ourselves or them. Good for you!!!!
I think the rescuer, victim, persecutor triangle is a very interesting concept. I have gone in full circle and more on number of occasions too.
In most cases people can play this triangle from the heart; in other words most people actually play those parts from their unconscious needs and desires. In the case of the sociopath, he uses these roles of the rescuer, victim, persecutor as a mask, but he stands outside this triangle observing. He never actually “feels” these parts. He is playing from a logical, poker-faced position. They are just roles for him, a way to engage people.
Getting in this triangle with the s is far more complicated than doing the same with “average” person. I would like to think that in a healthy relationships, people have to play all three of these roles at once, and help their partners through playing through these parts, to finally arrive to a place in somewhere in the middle. In the relationship with the s, it’s a never ending cycle of being chased around and around, and when you look over back over your shoulder to see who is chasing you, the s pulls himself out and disappears, just so he can observe you running in fear. Then you start questioning your own sanity, perhaps there was nobody chasing you, after all you ran from yourself!
Wow, I have managed to work myself into a word-frenzy 🙂