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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I need to have my experience to count for something

Aftermath of Rock n RollEditor’s note: The following was written by Noelle R. Andrews, author of “Aftermath of Rock ‘n’ Roll.” Read about her book in the article posted earlier today.

Some people are born selfless. Mother Teresa, who worked with Calcutta’s poor for decades, is a classic example. The caring people who worked with lepers on Hawaii’s island of Molokai are another.

Other people, like me, take up a cause because some experience has affected our lives in a profound way. Susan G. Koman’s sister died of breast cancer. The foundation she created in her sister’s honor is one of the best-known fundraisers for this disease. Jennie McCarthy has fought to raise awareness for autism, after her son was given that diagnosis. Mary Tyler Moore has been a champion for finding a cure for juvenile diabetes for years. The list of people who have been drawn to a worthwhile cause because something has personally affected them or their family is long, and includes ordinary people in addition to celebrities. I am one of those ordinary people.

I was married to a man I believe to be a psychopath. Nothing has ever affected me more than the devastation I encountered during the marriage and subsequent divorce. The relationship came close to destroying me, and has inspired me to try to warn others of the hidden dangers.

Most dangerous of all people

I consider psychopaths to be among the most dangerous of all people. Imagine a human who cannot love. Their sole motivation is to dominate, to win. Now add in the fact that they have been studying human behavior with an impassionate and clinical eye their entire life, so as to learn how to blend with the rest of the population, in order to mimic appropriate emotions in the appropriate situation. Then realize that they do not demonstrate the typical fear response to situations that would cause others to modulate their own behavior. They behave without regard to consequences. They are typically mesmerizing, charming, and charismatic. They draw in their victims with an intense stare and have an uncanny ability to sniff out others’ needs, desires, and weakness. They feel no remorse, so the lies they tell in order to draw in victims are believable, at least at first. These are among the most gifted storytellers you will ever meet.

This terrifying subset of people comprises up to 4% of the population, and they do not care whom they use, hurt, and destroy in order to get what they want. And sometimes all they want is to demonstrate that they can behave like this and get away with it.

Meaning making

Liane Leedom MD, in a recently published paper analyzing the memoirs of victims of psychopaths, describes the “meaning making” in which victims of psychopaths participate. After being debased and discarded, these women were left with a need to make sense of what had happened to them. They were imbued with a sense of mission, of trying to make a difference in order to right a wrong. They wrote about their experience in an attempt to understand, and in an attempt to educate.

What is more damning: to sit back and do nothing, or to take action? I suppose my memoir might be interpreted by some as a way to extract vengeance. The term justice, I believe, is more appropriate. Vengeance, to me, implies an immediate sense of retribution, an impulsive act designed to satisfy only the individual extracting that vengeance. Justice, on the other hand, is a thought-out reaction to a harmful act, geared toward the benefit of society in general. Would I gain satisfaction from knowing that the man who set out to destroy me was brought to justice by the law? Certainly, of course I would. But even more importantly, it is to the greater good of society to have one less predator on the streets. And if by going public with my story, I can educate others about an insidious, pervasive societal problem and therefore decrease the numbers of victims, all the more better.

Writing under a pseudonym

People have criticized me for writing under a pseudonym. Other victims’ memoirs identify their predators, why didn’t I? They interpret my desire to remain anonymous as evidence that I must be lying. The antagonist in stories of the well-publicized victims’ memoirs (MaryJo Buttafuoco, Barbara Bentley, Donna Andersen) are either dead, indicted or in prison. Mine is not (yet).

I write under an assumed name for self-protection. Countless other victims, like me, write under assumed names for the same reason. We have set ourselves against our worst fears, that of an opponent who lies without remorse, who feels no guilt. Are we brave, or merely foolhardy to “bait” those whose only motivation is to win and dominate?

My guess is that we are a combination of both. My overwhelming need to have my experience count for something meaningful has overridden my fears of retribution on his part. Remember that the burden of proof for defamation and libel lies on the plaintiff, and that truth is the best defense against claims of defamation and libel. I am confident in wielding the double-edged sword of truth and justice.

Noelle R. Andrews
Author of “The Aftermath of Rock ”˜n’ Roll”


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28 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I need to have my experience to count for something"

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I just want to tell my story to the LoveFraud community but I don’t know where I should post it. I am a married lesbian who was love-bombed by my female boss who charmed, flirted, seduced, and manipulated her way into convincing me to cheat on my wife with her. She made me fall in love and when I realized that she didn’t actually want a relationship with me, I was so far gone that I was willing to take whatever I could get. She bought me something rather expensive, called me pet names, and made excuses to spend lots of time with me away from everyone else at work. I fell hard for her, and after I made the horrible mistake of sleeping with her twice, she was done with me and began ignoring me. She was a completely different person after that and began treating me like a stranger. She didn’t need money from me because she was the mistress of the CEO at the same company. I’m not sure if she just wanted sex and didn’t care who she hurt to get it or if she just really likes trying to mess up people’s lives. She had even told me about her other victims and even referred to them as such, but at the time, I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Now I realize that she was telling me all along what a horrible person she was. She enjoys seducing married people, getting them to cheat, and then moving on to the next one, all the while being supported by a rich man who is married and has kids and grandkids. She laughed at the pain and anguish that she caused other people. There were so many signs that I ignored. Not only that, she was completely unqualified for her nearly 6 figure a year job and only had it because she was the CEO’s mistress and she couldn’t seem to open her mouth without lying. I saw her true nature at the end. I just wish she had come with a warning label. Legally it seems there is not much you can do when your boss seduces you, especially when they were aware from the beginning of the potential for a court case and therefore were careful to hide their tracks and only say incriminating things in person instead of through emails. I was told by her to delete all emails sent and received between us and to change my chat history settings at work so that no history was being kept. I shouldn’t have been so easily charmed and shouldn’t have gone along with it.

IAnothervictim, welcome to LF and thanks for sharing your experience with us. This individual appears extremely manipulative and interpersonally exploitative, there are others here who have been targeted by bosses , Louise and Stillreeling both have been , what you have experienced is grossly unprofessional at best and workplace harassment and bullying at worst. The fact that you developed feelings for your abuser is often called trauma bonding and you might find it useful to read up on that subject if it’s new to you. Is your wife aware of the situation? Keep posting you’ll find support here, all the best to you as you begin to recover

anothervictim:

Your case sounds a lot like mine. Wow. It is really amazing what they do. Sending comfort to you.

Another victim – I’m so sorry for your situation – welcome to Lovefraud.

Some sociopaths seduce people and then break their hearts just for the fun of it – it seems like you met that type of person.

Legally, what you encountered is sexual harassment. But unless you work at a big company with a sophisticated HR department, and unless you have good evidence, it may be difficult to pursue a claim. And then there’s the issue that this person is the CEO’s mistress – another complication.

You should start looking for a new job – staying with that company will be emotionally intolerable. Your boss may also begin to sabotage you. Once anyone realizes that they work for a sociopath, the only healthy thing to do is leave.

I am both angered and saddened that we are welcoming yet another victim to this forum. If each story here were given a number and entered as a domestic violence case, would the stastics continue to be ignored?

I do feel a sense of responsibility to speak out against abuse. We support each other via these forums, but what more can we do to help those who must be suffering within our own communities?

While I do feel that supporting each other here is important, think of how wonderful it feels to be validated and understood- andeven better if we were given a chance to get that hug and a cup of tea. How powerful it would be if victims could band together rather than continue to be isolated in our pain.

Anothervictim, you are welcome at LF

My ex was the senior VP of an international firm. After a co worker made an HR complaint that he was sexually harassing his secretary( he had already proposed marriage to this secretary much before allowing his mask to slip for me!!) the HR people had to do an investigation.During the investigation both he and the secretary (who was being heavily lovebombed at the time) denied being sexually involved. The EX got nothing but a pat on the hand saying he should have told the CEO if there was a consenting relationship. All my ex’s affairs have been with secretaries in distant lands. He never wore a wedding band while we were married…. but he wears one now(even though my kids know he is not married) because he says it appears unprofessional to be unmarried at our age.
Donna’s advise is spot on… get out before you are further hurt.

Imara:

If your ex only got a pat on the hand, they must not have left an electronic trail with emails, texts, etc. If they were able to just deny and were believed…oh, well…not good. So he didn’t end up marrying her? Did he discard her, too?

Louise the honest answer to that is: that I know that while he was still legally married to me he had started wearing a wedding ring.He does not believe in a higher power so my suspicion is that they must have had some religious ceremony in her country. I do not believe they are legally married in the US. I am still trying to get him to pay for things he agreed on in the divorce but I am doing that only through my attorney. He still talks to my daughter and fully plays the pity ploy. My daughter does not believe that he is married,but knows that he has lost his job(semi unrelated to the affair)and is now “consulting” with a start up.
She says she never speaks to him about his personal life. If that woman was to come to the US he would have to get legally married so she could live here. Don’t believe that has happened. So either she is being strung along on a promise or she has infact wisened up….meanwhile he wears his wedding ring because according to him that gives him respectability. HA

Louise, what happened in your case?

Donna, yes, seducing people and breaking their hearts just for the fun of it is exactly what she enjoys doing. I think it gives her an ego boost to convince a married person to cheat on their spouse with her. I really believe that rather than just appealing to them physically, she gets them to feel in love with her first. I think that she enjoys ruining other people’s marriages because she never has and never will really experience love the way the rest of us do. When I first went to work there, I talked a lot about my wife and showed wedding pictures, etc. I didn’t realize that I was setting myself up for this by doing that. She appealed to me by pretending to be very romantic and all about love at first. After talking to her for awhile, I started to realize that to her, love was about money.

Also, it was a small company that I worked for and I’m not working there anymore. She tried to have me fired so I quit the next day. Before I left, I told the COO what all happened between the two of us and told him that she is the CEO’s mistress and she got fired that same day. I’m really glad she was fired from her cushy job that she wasn’t even qualified for, but I’m angry at her for nearly ruining my marriage and I wish I could stop her from doing the same thing to other people.

My wife does know. The day she tried to have me fired, she took me into the CEO’s office and they both tried to intimidate me and bully me. That night I went home and told my wife everything. We’re trying to work things out.

Also, I know for certain that she is a sociopath. I have studied what it is extensively since this happened and she is pretty much textbook.

Also, my wife is having a hard time with this. She doesn’t understand love bombing and feels like nothing should have been able to convince me to cheat. On one hand I feel like there is never any excuse for cheating, on the other hand, I was very much love bombed and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love. So I guess I just feel like even though what I did was wrong and it was my fault, I was very heavily influenced. When I first met her, I didn’t think of her as attractive or anything, but after a few months of the love bombing, I was in love and wanted to be with her in a relationship. Then I found out about her relationship with the CEO but I wanted to be with her so badly that I was not deterred by that. I started thinking she was so beautiful. Now that I am out of the fog mentally, I see that she is very unattractive and almost witch like. There’s so much more to the story and I wish I could tell it all, but it would get pretty long. What do you guys think? Is there anyone else on here who was convinced to cheat on their spouse by a sociopath? She tried so hard to make me think it wasn’t a big deal and that people do it all the time.

anothervictim,
Would your wife be openminded enough to visit this site just so that she could understand what kind of influence you were under and how this person intentionally hurt you?

She does understand that this person is evil and intentionally hurt me, but she can only somewhat understand the influence that I was under. She says that no amount of charm, flattery, love-bombing, etc. should have worked on me since I am married and she needs me to take responsibility for what I did. So I’m dealing with what was done to me but also trying to help my wife deal with what happened to her because of all of this.

The paragraph in this article entitled “The Most Dangerous of All People” is completely spot on.
It is stated that “They feel no remorse…”
True if you’re speaking about their effect on others, but they feel huge remorse for themselves and when they finally get backed into a corner for their sinister behavior and are about to get royally screwed over (thank heavens it happened to path in my life) they feel all kinds of remorse and regret just as a toddler would.
It’s impossible for these sick narcs to feel for anyone but themselves and maybe their mothers who they both love and hate. I am convinced if they are hetero, they are misogynists of such depth to be incomprehsible to anyone who is not a path.
The path in my life told me once that he had so many regrets in life. I, “dazed and confused” at that pt, much like a catnip-soaked kitten, was so impressed that the “big boss” would admit a weakness to me, the lowly older nitwit that I was. G-d help us all.

Still , always enjoy your posts! But hey what about she-paths? (silly name coined to make fixerupper laugh about his ex path)Anothervictim’s sadly the latest of several posters who’ve recently told their stories of suffering at the hands or minds of female abusers. Some male, some female victims. Such as fixerupper and happyjack on another thread just today, and liftingtheveil too.

Tea Light, could you point me to the posts that others made about female abusers?

Anothervictim l’m sorry l am unsure which threads those posters l mention wrote on but check out the link to female sociopaths via the navigation bar and you’ll find the relevant articles and if you keep posting someone with a similar experience May well reply you’d be amazed how diverse the exexperiences of abuse here are, unfortunately. Lifting the veil has been posting recently of her abusive relationship with a female ex partner. I hope you and your wife pull through. Take care.

For this experience to count as something internally meaningful to me, I need to embrace it and then reflect it outward. If it does not follow that I can be an example to other women in my life, of how to love myself by never allowing a man to dishonor and devastate me…then it will count for naught.
Poem to share..if you are a man who has been spathed by the she-path, just alter following to accomadate for that : )

IMAGINE a WOMAN

Imagine a woman who beleives it is right and good that she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the sins of others in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself. A woman who listens to her needs and desires. Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who acknowledges the pasts influence on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates and moves on her own behalf. Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own GODS. A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness. Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who beleives her body is enough just as it is. Who celebrates it’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the goddess in her changing body. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use her life energy disquising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in cicles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Patricia Lynn Reilly

I collect poetry, quotes and passages of prose that I have found meaningful…I have been doing that since I was a child. I did not always know truth…but I recognized it when I saw it in written fire….( a Mark Twain analogy !!, I think he was my true soul mate LOL) This experience will write what I am about to learn into my head, heart and soul. I see us at LF…”as the cicle of women”…we are reminding ourselves of a truth “spath’s” tried to take from us…we have VALUE, LIFE is a beautiful gift. My heart is filled with love…the small bit of shame he found and inflated with his ugliness, does not have to define the remainder of my life. I will define it…it is my GOD given right to do so. And yours!!! I am opening up my spirit only for what GOD has to pour in…next time, I will know the truth! : )
Peace and hugs to you all,

Bluemosaic

Noelle,
Primary added note to above. Much thanks to you Noelle, for reminding us all, that this experience will bring forth good. We can choose to take the painful lesson we have been dealt…and use it to better our lives and those whose paths cross with us in our future. Providence. Use light God puts in us all to vanguish the ugliness the spath tried to leave inside of us.
He may have knocked me down, but I will get up. And when I do, I will be armed and a force to be reckoned with…a woman with good intent, but no longer an easy target for evil persons.

Bluemoasiac

Another article here that I could easily identify with and needed to read. I imagine, and have researched, that many of us who become manipulated by sociopaths and narcissists were abused growing up. I also believe that whatever created the spath, makes it almost natural for them to spot us.

I was often told that I was not good enough, that the only reason anyone would want to be with me in any way was to use me, made fun of, hit with belts, wooden spoons, hands, etc. for minor offences….literally just for not being perfect. My most awful sociopath was spoiled rotten by his perfect mommy who took care of him living in her attic until he was 32 years old. He is entitled to every mommy.

Feeling used is the worst and one can not often find meaning in just being used for wanting to love and be loved. In my family, being used by someone else is the worst thing that can happen to you. You are stupid and you should have known. However, I am turning it around. In my being, being used means I am kind, openhearted, capable of empathy, and want to help others. I think when it comes down to all of this, the only meaning we can find is that we are doing our best and we are not sociopaths. I guess that’s the only meaning in it. We can be glad we are not sociopaths.

Interesting, I have been told that I am a force to contend with. It surprised me but I guess that I am. We become like Scarlet O’Hara, “As God is my witness, I will not go hungry again!” And I will fight for justice against evil and I will win by living my life in peace joy and contentment to the best of my ability.

The thing that bothers me the most is not so much what happened to me, but the fact that she is continuing to find new victims to hurt and there is nothing that I can do about that. I wish there was a way to warn people.

I agree. If he had stopped with me I never would have looked back. But he did not. I had the opportunity to be in touch with and talk with both of the subsequent wives, now ex-wives. The second wife was a lovely step-mother to my children and we learned together the depth of his depravity. I had actually hoped they would be happy together since I clearly did not want him or trust him alone with my children. I told the third wife, after it was over, how much I wanted to warn her but I knew she would not believe me. She laughed and said I was right, she would not have believed me. But she knows now from experiencing it herself. My brother’s wife once asked me how he could attract such strong, accomplished lovely women. I had no answer. I still have no answer except he went after each of us when we were vulnerable and/or in grief. We are all strong, acomplished, lovely women and he has wreaked havic on our lives and the lives of our children…just because he could. If that is not pure evil, I do not know what is.

OK….lets step out of our situations in our own worlds and take a good look at what it is that is going on in North Carolina!!!!
Sanford ( a person who has a record of lying cheating sneaking and hurting his family) has now become the Republican candidate for PUBLIC office again!!!!!!!
Where is the outrage? Where is the part where common citizen grassroots level involvement comes into this ? Has anyone spoken out against his character LOUDLY enough that the good citizens of the state understand the dynamics of lying and manipulation for personal gain?
I PROMISE to personally offer in my own way to campaign against him. Some of you write so beautifully…. PLEASE write letters to the editor of the local newspaper…It will be a crying shame if we allow individuals who have a history of inflicting hurt without showing true remorse to represent us!!!! Lets take this opportunity to do some activism in the greater good through dissemating the information that we have learnt.

In full disclosure my political leanings are liberal …

Noelle, Thank you for an excellent article. I too got to the point where I had to make my experience count for something. I was forced to protect his reputation for decades for my children’s sake. Then he tried to turn them against me and take them from me after I had raised them well in spite of his constant harrassment and interference.

I finally had to go public with his double life. I knew all of the evil, illegal and abusive facts. The knowledge that my maintaining my silence was protecting him and his evil secrets was eating away at me. My daughter was falling under his spell and he was targeting my grandchildren. Even though I knew the cost with my family was going to be tragic, I had to do it. The cost was tragic, total rejection by my daughter and the loss of seeing my grandchildren. I am devistated and my only consolation is that he does not get to see them either. I would do it again knowing the consequenses just to protect my grandchildren from him.

I know he cares little and my husband and I care beyond belief. Justice has not been done. My grandchildren only get our unconditional love via phone or mail now. But my grandchildren are safe from him for now and hoefully so are many others. I felt it was my duty not to protect evil out of fear of rejection or retribution or shame. I feel no shame anymore, I know what he is.

I also just want to add that I did not know that she was the mistress of the CEO at first. She presented herself to me as just a single lesbian who is new in town and is hoping to make some new friends. I go back and forth in my head trying to decide if what she did to me wasn’t so bad or if it was extremely horrible. She nearly broke up my 7 year marriage. Thank God we’ve been able to work things out. When I get angry about the whole thing, I just want to tell everyone what an evil witch with a B she is. I would love to post her name on this site and others so people can learn about her before being caught in her web of lies and heartache but I have a feeling I would get in some sort of trouble for doing that.

betsybugs, I understand your predicament totally.. the only reason I am not unmasking my P to the world is because of the embarassement it will cause my son who is 16 now, and how it will affect his future….and the P knows this and is taking advantage of that and getting away with everything… sad..in fact, that seems to be one of the reasons they want children anyway, to prevent the partner from escaping/ exposing them easily (apart from “taking care of him in old age and prevent his dead bodiy from stinking” as he said when persuading me to have kids)..

The Sanford thing is ridiculous. They really do get away with so much.

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