Life partners often vow to care for one another “til death do us part” and “in sickness and in health.” But do these concepts apply to psychopathic partners or those high in psychopathic traits? You guessed it. They do not. If we are involved in a relationship with a psychopath and fall ill, we will see their true colors quickly. We can expect a marked difference between the behaviors exhibited in a real love and psychopathic “love.” For if we have nothing to offer, they will not be there for us in our hours of need.
It may not be immediate. We may feel secure in the first “hour” or two. Those feelings, however, will quickly give way to reality. Initially, their words will comfort us. We will likely believe them when they tell us that they will take care of everything, even if our past experiences have taught us othrwise. They tend to sound genuine and their displays of affection look real; at least real enough. This will not last long, however. Their empty words will lead to broken promises. We will come to recognize that they are not the words and actions of “men” (or “women,”) but mice.
Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath
In recent years, my mother’s health has been failing. She is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition, which has now left her trapped in her own body. It is an uncommon condition that remains somewhat of a medical mystery. Onset seems to occur late-fifties to mid-sixties, the age that has the potential to be the best years of one’s life. It’s symptoms and limitations are similar to those of ALS and first symptom to death is typically about seven to ten years.
Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath. My father has been by her side throughout. In the beginning, they laughed together, as she began having trouble writing her name. She just retired from almost thirty years of teaching and we joked that she was truly just “done” working. Seemingly benign at onset, the lighter mood continued when she would occasionally fall, blaming a simple lack of grace. No one realized these were the sneaky symptoms of this horrible condition. In time, however, they became hard to ignore.
At first, things deteriorated slowly. Now, her body has completely betrayed her. She is pain and discomfort from very high muscle tone. This requires medication and frequent massage and exercise. She is able to eat, but very little, as the swallow and gag reflexes continue to deteriorate. It takes several hours a day to feed her and communication is next to impossible, as she has lost most of her ability to speak and operate the speech program on her iPad.
Through it all, my father has been by her side. He cares for her in every way imaginable and has been doing so for years. Earlier, he held her side so that she could walk. Now, he essentially walks for her. At one point, he cut her food into small enough pieces so that she could eat with her “good” hand. Now, he smashes the food and thickens her drinks so he can spoon feed her the liquid to prevent choking. He wakes with her several times a night to tend to her, sleeping near her new hospital bed since she is not able to move to adjust herself.
She is braving this with grace, but he is a hero for all that he does. Very few are able to understand the amount of selflessness one needs in order to get through something like this. The neurologist recently told them that she rarely sees patients cared for with so much love and attention. The other patients do not have my father as their caregivers; a “man.”
Imagine this scenario with a psychopath
These recent events have caused me to consider what would happen if this situation occurred with a psychopathic partner. If the individual chose to stay near us in physical proximity, there would be no care or support involved. In fact, we could expect some form of abuse or neglect, which could lead to serious complications or death. One of the only reasons a psychopathic individual might choose to stay, would be if a significant potential payoff existed. Sad, but true.
Think about your experience with the individual who brought you here. Were you ever sick or did you require care? Did you receive that care? If so, was it for an extended period of time? Probably not. These individuals are notorious for being intolerant of any type of illness in those close to them. Why? They do not want our illnesses to get in their way or stifle their fun. This extends to any additional responsibilities our situations may create. They simply don’t want to be bothered and really do not care about anyone else’s well being.
You may feel confused because the behavior is not consistent with an individual who loves you as may be the claim. While it may be natural for partners in care giving positions, whether short or long term, to tire or need to nurture their emotional health, it is not normal to meet with constant annoyance and anger toward the one who is not well.
Even Stranger
Further, we may find that they become oddly jealous of the attention we receive. They cannot be the center of attention if our issue is currently in the forefront. Since this is not a position we want to be in, we may also become sad or depressed. In turn, this drives their assertions about our emotional “states,” which they utilize to gain outside sympathy. Who would have thought that being sick or encountering a complicated pregnancy could be so complex? As if the physical concerns are not enough, we have to still cover ourselves from their disordered actions.
I recall a time when I was told that I would not be able to do my normal activities for several months. I was content thinking that all would be well. After all, I was told that things would be taken care of for as long as I needed them to be. I didn’t realize that I would be looked at in disgust a mere three days later and interrogated as to when I planned to “get up off my a_ _.”
As with everything else that occurred, I was hurt and looked to the individual for answers. Why the cruelty? Was there an understanding of the severity of what was wrong and exactly what was at risk if I did not comply? I felt as though I was being teased and taunted to get up; almost forced since nothing that needed to be done was getting done. I could not comprehend why we were not on the same page. Try to resist looking to them for answers. You will not find them. Conversely, you will be left worse off.
As mentioned, it is entirely possible that they may not even recognize the gravity of a situation. Although, I believe they usually do and just don’t care. However, this is not an excuse. This occurs frequently with children of parents with psychopathic traits. The parent cannot and will not address a need if they are not able or choose not to recognize it. Frequently, they do not. Unfortunately, this is often to the detriment of the child, again, with serious or deadly consequences.
Reverse expectations
While attached to individuals with such features, we should hope we stay well. Our lives may depend on it. Oddly, they would expect us to be at their beck and call if the tables were turned and treat us miserably if we were not. Somehow, unafraid of what would become of them upon our departures. Yet, if we remain entrapped, they know we would be there. Therein lies the difference between normal love and commitment verses theirs. Therein lies the differences between the actions of the “man” v. the “mouse.”
Linda:
Excellent article. I am so sorry about your mother’s condition, having lost an aunt on my mother’s side to ALS and an uncle on my father’s side to muscular dystrophy.
But, recently I’ve had the opportunity to think a lot about the point you made in this article. Two months ago I had my retina, macula and blood vessels detach from one of my eyes. It has been a very rough recovery. I’ve only started to regain the vision in my eye. And, as you can imagine, not only have I been scared of the vision not returning to that eye, but I’ve been terrified of losing the vision in the other eye.
My partner, who I met after my S-ex (and who finally got a job where I live (after commuting back and forth 3 years) has been a God-send throughout the whole hellish experience. He has tolerated everything from my falling upstairs and tripping over curbs to my missing the glass while I attempt to pour something into it (don’t even ask about his having to tie me face down to the headboard each night because I had to sleep that way to keep the gas bubble in my eye pressing against the retina).
Seriously, though, he has been my rock when I would wake up absolutely terrified about losing my vision entirely and during my bad days and pity parties. During the moments when I was alone with my thoughts I thought back on the various S-exs in my life, including my parents, and realized that not one of them would be there for me in a situation like this. Oddly enough, one of those S-exs crawled out of his hole and contacted me shortly after this happened. When I told him what was going on – you guessed it — radio silence. Trust me when I say you can’t buy the peace of mind having a partner like mine or your father in your life at a time like this.
Once again, a great article.
Once again, thank you for a great article. It resonated on a personal level.
fightsforwhatsright,
What I have to tell you,goes right along with what Linda says in her article.It is another of my reasons for leaving my husband.I knew I was fighting a losing battle.My husband didn’t love me;nor did I love him.He was only keeping me around to take care of him.My health had never been good,and he knew that!My health just kept deteriorating.He didn’t try to make things easier for me!He gained weight.When our daughter,who is a nurse,made arrangements for home health care,he “blew” that.I got to the point that I didn’t know if I would live or die…just about didn’t care.Because my life had become nothing but a miserable existance;I wouldn’t call that life.I have lumbar spinal stenosis/2 herniated discs….and yet he STILL EXPECTED me to lift his bariatric wheelchair in & out of our vehicle and push him everywhere.Yet,I KNEW he’d NEVER take care of me…and there’s a good chance that I will need care at some time!
I was bitten by a brown recluse spider, I had wanted to spray for spiders but He, my ex-husband the spath did not want the house to smell of chemicals and irritate his sinuses.
He was snoring and I did not want to wake him up and I knew he needed rest for work, so I decided to sleep in the spare room on an inflatable camp bed I set up. I was bitten during the night I never felt it. I discovered the bite when I woke up, the area surrounding the bite was very red and hot to the touch, but it was small so I didn’t think much about it.
The area around the bite began to expand, I explained what had happened to my now ex-husband and he didn’t seem very interested he didn’t even ask me if it hurt. He just looked at it and went back to nonchalantly surfing the internet and playing online video games as he did every night. Although I didn’t realize it the bite had also given me a MRSA infection that spread very rapidly and my body had a bad reaction to the venom. I got very sick that night, with symptoms like the flu and I was shivering all night but my ex-husband ignored me, never once even asking me if I was okay he just slept. The flu like symptoms went away by the morning and I figured it wasn’t a big deal.
I was talking to an online gaming friend, who was a nurse, I told him that the bite area was growing and it was very hot. I explained all my symptoms, since he is a nurse I asked him what he thought. He told me it sounded serious and I needed to go to the ER. I still waited and put alcohol on it as it started itching and I was using rubbing alcohol to relieve the itching. The red area had spread to cover most of my upper thigh when I decided the alcohol and ice packs were not doing anything. I went online and asked my friend for advice again, he was very concerned and told me to go to the ER immediately.
I was very lucky if I would have waited just a couple of days after the bite the MRSA infection could have caused organ damage or even killed me by spreading to my blood stream or the venom could have started to cause necrosis. Our online gaming friend might have saved my life when he talked me into going to the hospital. I almost did not go because I did not want to trouble my ex-husband, I felt very guilty asking him to take me to the hospital.
They gave me IV antibiotics and told him I had done the right thing in coming in, they made a follow up with my doctor for antibiotics. The follow up oral antibiotics were ineffective and the infection continued to spread rapidly. I was told that if the infection did not respond in two days I would have to be hospitalized. After two days the infection continued to spread and I had to be admitted to the hospital. I had a very severe MRSA infection, the hospital staff told me it was the worst case they had seen that year. I was given the treatment of last resort. They had to bring in an infectious disease specialist and get permission to use the antibiotic, as it was dangerous.
The staff was very attentive and since it was a catholic hospital I expected to be visited by the clergy, but I wondered why they kept praying over me every day. I could have died; although I’m young the infection had spread to my blood.
As I explained the antibiotic used to treat such a resistant MRSA infection is also dangerous, and can have very bad side effects. It had to be administered very slowly and I was monitored constantly. The antibiotic is also painful, causing a burning sensation in the veins it also scarred me at the IV site it was so powerful. It made me feel sick as well, I was vomiting frequently and I had severe headaches. It was like three solid days of continuous torture, every morning at around 3:30 to 4 am they drew blood so the tests would be available for the doctor first thing as he came in. I got very little sleep as I was awakened to have my vitals checked, to be given the antibiotic three times a day and then to have blood drawn.
I was a bit scared because the antibiotic they used on me is so restricted there had to be special permission to use it. I was in that much danger, they had to use the treatment of last resort, the strongest antibiotic possible. The side effects were hell and I was lonely, scarred and miserable but I never complained about it when my ex-husband would show up to visit me. Even though the stay in the hospital was agony; I never had more than 4 to 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the antibiotic burned so bad it was like two to three hour torture sessions, I didn’t want to seem needy so I just tried to be bright and cheerful so he would come and stay with me for a while. I didn’t want him to feel burdened or unduly put out by visiting me.
We had recently moved to town I did not know anybody, except for one friend who was the boyfriend of a good friend in our hometown. My ex-husband did not tell our only friend I was in the hospital; he told our mutual friend who was the man’s girlfriend so she told him. That man came and stayed with me for four hours one day and talked to me easing the loneliness and isolation I felt. I am still grateful to him to this day for his kindness. My ex-husband did come every day but he did not stay more than two to three hours ”“ and he seemed bored and didn’t talk to me or ask how I was doing. I made a mental note of that because the nursing staff asked me where my husband was each day and they seemed puzzled by his absence. I made excuses and explained he was working a lot and couldn’t come very often – I did not want them to think badly of his lack of attention.
On the fourth day the doctor happily announced said I could be released, they came in very early in the morning to tell me the good news. They knew how hard the ordeal had been on me and that I was exhausted and wanted to rest. The doctor and administrative staff person said they would get me out right away, they just needed one signature and that the doctor had already signed off on my release. He also advised me that I should call someone to pick me up as I would be ready to leave very soon. I got dressed and quickly packed my things and called my ex-husband right away I was so happy to be going home ”“ it was around 8 am.
My ex-husband came to the hospital but the paperwork was not completed, he arrived about ten minutes following my call. When he arrived at the hospital he called my room from his car and asked where I was since I was not outside, I didn’t know he expected me to be at the curb. I told him I was still in my room; I was waiting on the papers to be processed. I explained I was told it wasn’t going to be very long before they had them for me and they would get them out as soon as possible. My ex-husband sounded very irritated and he came to my room. My ex-husband worked until one o’clock in the morning and he berated me on the phone that he was upset his sleep was interrupted by my call when I should have been more considerate and waited to call him. He looked very angry when he entered but he was silent as the nurse was in the room. Then as soon as no one was in my room he started yelling at me that I should have waited to call him when I had the signed paperwork in hand. I should have been waiting at the curb so he didn’t have to come up and wait for me. He was yelling very loud and made me ask the nurse how long it would be until they finished the paperwork. I called and the nurse came in, she looked embarrassed and when I asked her how long it was going to be until they were done she said she would get it right then as it was all signed and ready they were just doing a shift change and didn’t bring it to me until they had completed the change. I didn’t cry, but I wanted too. I apologized and said he was right I was very sorry to be so inconsiderate, I tried to explain I was so tired and I thought we could go home and sleep. I had seen him get up after less sleep and do things for other people, I didn’t think it would be such a problem.
He was so resentful he had to come into the hospital and wait for me that he couldn’t contain it. It took less than 30 minutes to get the paperwork completed and the staff was very efficient. My ex-husband was visibly upset and the staff saw it clearly. I was so humiliated I could not even make eye contact with the woman at the discharge area, but I saw the look she gave me ”“ it was of open pity. I could have died from shame. I saw how the staff was looking at me with such concern and confusion it was unmistakable they felt so sorry for me. I hate being pitied more than anything.
He got mad at me after I could have died, my infection was so serious they put me in the hospital and used the last resort medication and he was mad at me after I hadn’t even fully recovered. He was not happy I was out of danger; he got upset when I was discharged because it inconvenienced him. I could have died and he was upset at me for wanting him to get me out of the hospital as soon as possible. I COULD HAVE DIED AND HE YELLED AT ME IN THE HOSPITAL.
I didn’t feel glad I was going home all I felt was guilt that I called to early and woke him up. I was so mad at myself – I felt horrible that I woke him up after facing a life threatening infection. What if I waited even a couple of days to go to the hospital ”“ I was told it could have been too late to prevent possible organ damage even if I had just waited a day. My life was in danger and he yelled at me, he didn’t feel relief or happiness that I was over the danger, he yelled at me ”“ he told me how inconsiderate I was for waking him up. He would continue to remind me of my lack of concern for him and my selfishness over the next couple months. More than once I would beg forgiveness and promise I would be more considerate and less needy in the future. I wished I would have just waited and died the emotional pain was so great I couldn’t bear the pain. I prayed for god to take me and have mercy on me by letting me die.
I couldn’t take the pain of knowing my husband didn’t care that I could have died. He wanted me to wait outside on the curb after I had such an ordeal so he didn’t have to walk into the hospital to get me. How does it feel to know your life is less important than being inconvenienced for one morning? It took months for that infection to fully heal. I was made to feel so horrible when I wanted to go home and finally sleep. That is how little I mean to him.
I wondered how bad a person has to be to have someone yell at them when they get out of the hospital. I felt I must be such a worthless human being to merit that treatment.
I now know why he acted the way he did that day. It makes sense now. That was the beginning of the end of my 12 year marriage. I left to return to our home town less than a month after that and I began the process of disconnecting from him. It took months but that was a watershed moment when I could rationalize his behavior.
It still hurts but I no longer feel shame, because I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of he should feel remorse
Matt, my highschool BF had some of the very first surgical repairs of retinal detachment here in America. Beginning in 1965 or so, when he was 15, he underwent a series of treatments beginning with dozens of hand-sutures (he was effectively blind in both eyes and hospitalized for a period of time, during which the eyes were to heal). After that failed, the repair was by isotope freezing, naturally this was much less time-consuming but also eventually failed. Finally, in a literally groundbreaking procedure, he received a laser treatment that as I say, was among the first in the country. I wasn’t old enough to drive so Mom had to take me to the hospital to visit him. Like most mothers, she wasn’t enthused to be “wasting time” at this and didn’t understand how vital the surgery was or how profoundly expert the surgeon had to be to accomplish it…until she noticed he was speaking German!
David “looks” fine now from both sides, and almost 50 years have passed. He suffered a severe dual detachment after accidentally pulling the garage door down on his head, and like you was naturally concerned about his future sight — but not only has this initial foray worked out, the procedure has since been perfected many times over and used with success zillions of times. I’m sure there are options available now that make the treatments he received seem primitive in comparison.
Hope you feel better soon, try not to stress out.
Golly, Gez, you DID get bitten by a spider — AND an eight-legged crawly thing.
My giant spider did the same thing: I was washing dishes and broke a cup. Dove hand into water, directly into broken lid of cup. Brought hand out of water, could see bone inside finger.
Husband accused me of “doing it on purpose” — to bother him. You know: he had been sleeping/passed out/mentally masturbating/whatever, how dare I bother him by bleeding?!
Note of precaution: the cut got infected, dr said we should all wear gloves while washing dishes, as cuts are readily infected by greasy dishwater.
Thank heaven you survived bites by both creeps, what an ordeal you endured.
Thank you ColoradoKathy. Its hard for me to share these events, they cause me so much shame, but I’m getting better. I can totally relate to the you are doing this on purpose attitude. Yea cause cutting yourself to the bone is so worth the satisfaction of bothering him. Thanks for the gloves tip – I will do that from now on. I’m so grateful for websites like this and people who share what happened to them – I know I’m not alone and I hope others will also be able to heal by knowing they are not the crazy one.
Thank you Linda,
I am sorry to hear about your Mother’s condition, at same time…what a blessing that she has such TLC from a truly dedicated and compassionate spouse.
There is no doubt that if anyone of us were to experience faltering health, a spath would let us “fall” and suffer, unless there was something for them to be gained by caring for us.
In the year plus I spent with a spath, several moments of “tells” occured that involved this concept of love through action when our mate becomes ill.
He had a mini-stroke early on in our relationship. I encouraged him to seek medical treatment and tried to be supportive. I expressed concern when he chose not to seek medical care for several days, and offered to go along if he wanted the company. He turned out to be fine.
It did not follow that he showed compassion for me when I became sick with a cold or flu during our time together. I got the predator stare the first time I became sick while with him. We were on a business trip, and he had arranged for me to meet one of his biggest clients. I awoke that morn with a high fever and chills. It was obvious I was not going to be able to attend the business lunch he had that day. He gave me a chilling look when I told him I could not go. Something inside me knew that he cared more about his plan of introduction of me to clients than my being ill and how I feel. I was left in the lobby to wait for his business lunch to end, which I understood. Why put me up in a hotel for $100+ when I may only need the comfort of the room and bed for a few hours. Instincts again ignored. It is true that they only want the fun, shallow part of a relationship. God help us if we become ill in their presense.
Blue
All of the comments here helped me very much. I feel so bad for all of the sorrow and illnesses. My ex-husband has spinal stenosis and it is devastatingly painful. We are not perfect for each other and couldn’t be married. He is not a sociopath, but can turn ugly in a moment and not good for me. It sounds strange, but it helps me to see I am not alone. Everyone is ill and everyone has been abused here. I wish there were no such things as disease and abuse, but there are, and it takes away some of he isolation when we share it here.
I don’t have a good memory, but I think Opal and Lucky spoke out to me and I truly appreciate it. You are both right in many ways. I appreciated the raw honesty admitting that we can see it when others should stop themselves and get away, but we have our own reasons why we won’t/can’t.
I did end up talking to the Social Worker at the VA for a few minutes and was told that the room mate can call them any time now that he is in the system and get an apartment within two months. I have the Social Worker’s phone number and email address. I will definitely get paid as he is on a VA pension. THAT was a big motivator in letting him live here. A permanent steady income. I told the socio tonight that he could come back here, but that my ex-husband was really a much better person and friend to me and if the room mate’s illnesses progressed or something new happened, he would have to get back on the housing list. He agreed. He, of course, said his reason for wanting to come back is because he wants to stay with me because he misses me. After questioning the Social Worker, I believe he wants to stay with me because he would be forced to follow specific rules and have to have counseling every month for the rest of his life in their housing. I just couldn’t give up all of that extra money. And, as I said in my long, long post you were all kind enough to read, I do have leverage. He is in a separate space from me and has no key to mine. He can’t go anywhere unless I take him. He can’t even get food. If I want him out and I tell him to call the VA and get back on the list for their housing, he would be pretty ignorant not to do it as he would have no groceries if I don’t get them. I am a little baffled by one thing. His rent and amenities and even food would be a lot less than what he pays me. I really did start overcharging him when I saw things going downhill. I’m sure there is something I’m missing because I always felt like he would rather have money to blow on his junk food or cigarettes than stay here. We will see. I have begun, over the last few months, to try to just “view” him as a “research subject.” Now that I understand he isn’t really capable of love, I don’t long for it the way I have before. He is becoming the shriveled up old man he deserves to be. I honestly don’t have anything else to do. Even before he came back into my life, I just stayed home, watched movies, and looked forward to getting my house paid off. I know it is toxic to the point I allow it to be. But, I decided for the money and what I know rather than to begin the search again. I have had some sociopaths live there before. It has been scary…especially in the old days with no internet to check them out. There were three that were so awful, I made up stories to get them out and gave them more money back than I owed them to get them out. He honestly can’t move to fast with that walker and I really have reached a point where being around him just doesn’t have the “addictive” thrill it had before. I see him. I am out of denial. I KNOW he can’t love. I need money and he wants to live here. I am weenie, too! But, a weenie who is going to get this house paid off by a sociopath! Thanks again for this article today and for comments to let me know I’m not alone.
fightforwhatsright,
I’m relieved you’re talking to the VA and have things in place in case things progress and you can’t take care of the workload!I decided to do a search and found this great article: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/28/saying-yes-without-reading-the-small-print/
Although I never expected things to work out the way they did,with my husband staying in the nursing home,I must admit,I’m relieved.It is what’s best for the both of us.Caring for a person you love and respect can be very hard and take a big toll on your health.But when that person is a spath and you’ve lost all love and respect for them,and your own health has suffered because of their lack of empathy,caregiving becomes a real hazard!
Gez,
How I could feel for you going through your ordeal;although mine wasn’t as traumatic,my husband showed the same kind of attitude!
The first time I saw that attitude surface,was at the birth of our first daughter.On the day we were to be discharged to go home,I had a 102 F fever.Somehow I had contracted a uterine infection.My husband was more concerned about the fact that HIS PLANS for our coming home were not ‘panning out’.He started yelling,asking why couldn’t I just go home anyway?!He let it be known that HE WASN’T HAPPY!My Dr came into the room and talked to him;so no doubt the nurses alerted him as to what was happening.The Dr looked for the source of the infection,but never did find out what it was.In the meantime,I was on strong antibiotics administered by IV.I would be drenched in sweat as the fever broke.Then the fever would build back up.This went on for a few days.All this time my husband happily occupied a seat in my room watching Tv and loudly laughing.Oh,I forgot to mention…That even before having to cope with the infection,I had hemorraged during delivery!But I guess spath expected me to deliver and go about daily activities like an Indian squaw!
More recently,when I had a d&c last year,my husband thought it was funny that I was having a difficult time having had to open up about stuff to my gynocologist.Little did spath realize it was to lead to his downfall.Anyway,day of surgery,when we arrived at the outpatient surgery center,HE announces our arrival by saying “WE’RE here to have a D&C!”After I got settled,I kept suggesting that he could wait out in the waiting room.But he wouldn’t budge!By the time,my Dr came into the room,I had a blanket over my face!Oh yeah,spath had decided to go out and joke with the nurses by then!But not until he’d already made me a nervous wreck!Normally,I would have been brought out to sleep in that same room after the surgery,but I was kept in the back where my husband couldn’t disturb me while I recovered!I so appreciated that!
Wow, that is brutal! I feel for you – its just hard to deal with that someone could do that to you. Someone you loved. My therapist made me write the story down and read it whenever I felt any sentimentality over “the good times” it helped. I also read so many stories like yours, that were so similar to mine. I will never forget how he looked with such contempt and anger that I called him. What was I thinking?
It took a while but I have moved on and I am now with a nice empathetic sweetheart of a man. I got food poisioning about a month ago, when I told him he came over with Jello and gatorade. He took care of me all day, for the next three days the first thing he would ask me when he called was if I was okay or did I need anything. I’m always amazed that he cares about me, does things for me and shows compassion for me and others.
Here is the odd thing – and I wonder if it was just me. I have a difficult time adjusting to a healthy relationship. I get nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I knew what would happen in my abusive relationship. I knew the drill, but this is so unfamiliar I kind of understand why people are drawn to another abuser, its familiar. Thankfully I have a therapist that has a lot of experience with spath abuse. This relationship proceeded slowly and grew over time. we have been dating since October and he never pressures me to move in or prove my love for him.
I would like any insight anyone has on how to transition to “normal” behavior in a relationship vs spath behavior.
Hi Gez,
I am in the same place as you! I have only just met a really nice guy! He seems to be normal, no love bombing etc! But I am finding it difficult to know how I should behave! I have no idea what to expect in a normal relationship!! If someone could help me I would really appreciate it, as I too feel that I am more attracted to a spath type of person, I had never thought of it as “familiar” but that is what it must be! I had some attentions from a man who was making mr see red flags at the same time, but I seemed to have been more drawn to him than this nice guy, but because of this website i stopped the attentions, but it was really hard, because I was drawn him, now I see that it must have been familiar.
Gez,
So glad you found someone that will take care of you! 🙂
Try this link: http://www.lovefraud.com/2013/03/04/relationships-after-the-sociopath/