Life partners often vow to care for one another “til death do us part” and “in sickness and in health.” But do these concepts apply to psychopathic partners or those high in psychopathic traits? You guessed it. They do not. If we are involved in a relationship with a psychopath and fall ill, we will see their true colors quickly. We can expect a marked difference between the behaviors exhibited in a real love and psychopathic “love.” For if we have nothing to offer, they will not be there for us in our hours of need.
It may not be immediate. We may feel secure in the first “hour” or two. Those feelings, however, will quickly give way to reality. Initially, their words will comfort us. We will likely believe them when they tell us that they will take care of everything, even if our past experiences have taught us othrwise. They tend to sound genuine and their displays of affection look real; at least real enough. This will not last long, however. Their empty words will lead to broken promises. We will come to recognize that they are not the words and actions of “men” (or “women,”) but mice.
Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath
In recent years, my mother’s health has been failing. She is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition, which has now left her trapped in her own body. It is an uncommon condition that remains somewhat of a medical mystery. Onset seems to occur late-fifties to mid-sixties, the age that has the potential to be the best years of one’s life. It’s symptoms and limitations are similar to those of ALS and first symptom to death is typically about seven to ten years.
Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath. My father has been by her side throughout. In the beginning, they laughed together, as she began having trouble writing her name. She just retired from almost thirty years of teaching and we joked that she was truly just “done” working. Seemingly benign at onset, the lighter mood continued when she would occasionally fall, blaming a simple lack of grace. No one realized these were the sneaky symptoms of this horrible condition. In time, however, they became hard to ignore.
At first, things deteriorated slowly. Now, her body has completely betrayed her. She is pain and discomfort from very high muscle tone. This requires medication and frequent massage and exercise. She is able to eat, but very little, as the swallow and gag reflexes continue to deteriorate. It takes several hours a day to feed her and communication is next to impossible, as she has lost most of her ability to speak and operate the speech program on her iPad.
Through it all, my father has been by her side. He cares for her in every way imaginable and has been doing so for years. Earlier, he held her side so that she could walk. Now, he essentially walks for her. At one point, he cut her food into small enough pieces so that she could eat with her “good” hand. Now, he smashes the food and thickens her drinks so he can spoon feed her the liquid to prevent choking. He wakes with her several times a night to tend to her, sleeping near her new hospital bed since she is not able to move to adjust herself.
She is braving this with grace, but he is a hero for all that he does. Very few are able to understand the amount of selflessness one needs in order to get through something like this. The neurologist recently told them that she rarely sees patients cared for with so much love and attention. The other patients do not have my father as their caregivers; a “man.”
Imagine this scenario with a psychopath
These recent events have caused me to consider what would happen if this situation occurred with a psychopathic partner. If the individual chose to stay near us in physical proximity, there would be no care or support involved. In fact, we could expect some form of abuse or neglect, which could lead to serious complications or death. One of the only reasons a psychopathic individual might choose to stay, would be if a significant potential payoff existed. Sad, but true.
Think about your experience with the individual who brought you here. Were you ever sick or did you require care? Did you receive that care? If so, was it for an extended period of time? Probably not. These individuals are notorious for being intolerant of any type of illness in those close to them. Why? They do not want our illnesses to get in their way or stifle their fun. This extends to any additional responsibilities our situations may create. They simply don’t want to be bothered and really do not care about anyone else’s well being.
You may feel confused because the behavior is not consistent with an individual who loves you as may be the claim. While it may be natural for partners in care giving positions, whether short or long term, to tire or need to nurture their emotional health, it is not normal to meet with constant annoyance and anger toward the one who is not well.
Even Stranger
Further, we may find that they become oddly jealous of the attention we receive. They cannot be the center of attention if our issue is currently in the forefront. Since this is not a position we want to be in, we may also become sad or depressed. In turn, this drives their assertions about our emotional “states,” which they utilize to gain outside sympathy. Who would have thought that being sick or encountering a complicated pregnancy could be so complex? As if the physical concerns are not enough, we have to still cover ourselves from their disordered actions.
I recall a time when I was told that I would not be able to do my normal activities for several months. I was content thinking that all would be well. After all, I was told that things would be taken care of for as long as I needed them to be. I didn’t realize that I would be looked at in disgust a mere three days later and interrogated as to when I planned to “get up off my a_ _.”
As with everything else that occurred, I was hurt and looked to the individual for answers. Why the cruelty? Was there an understanding of the severity of what was wrong and exactly what was at risk if I did not comply? I felt as though I was being teased and taunted to get up; almost forced since nothing that needed to be done was getting done. I could not comprehend why we were not on the same page. Try to resist looking to them for answers. You will not find them. Conversely, you will be left worse off.
As mentioned, it is entirely possible that they may not even recognize the gravity of a situation. Although, I believe they usually do and just don’t care. However, this is not an excuse. This occurs frequently with children of parents with psychopathic traits. The parent cannot and will not address a need if they are not able or choose not to recognize it. Frequently, they do not. Unfortunately, this is often to the detriment of the child, again, with serious or deadly consequences.
Reverse expectations
While attached to individuals with such features, we should hope we stay well. Our lives may depend on it. Oddly, they would expect us to be at their beck and call if the tables were turned and treat us miserably if we were not. Somehow, unafraid of what would become of them upon our departures. Yet, if we remain entrapped, they know we would be there. Therein lies the difference between normal love and commitment verses theirs. Therein lies the differences between the actions of the “man” v. the “mouse.”
Blossom, Thank you for the link to Carnegie’s article. It was very helpful to read. I especially enjoyed the paragraph about what the author’s “agreement” would say. For right now, I continue to ask questions. They always let things out thinking they are not, don’t they? I found out that he is taking Lortab at the hospital. Not cool with me for an addict of every kind. I’ll put up with computer porn I don’t see. I’ll put up with eating like a slob who acts like it’s his last meal. But, I will not put up with any drugs or booze. It is exhausting all the questions you have to ask to get the final truth! They really aren’t nearly as brilliant as they think they are, but it does take a lot of questioning and angles to get to the truth. He said, “Well I guess it’s a good thing I’m still signed up with the VA people.” I said, “Yes it is because if I find out the truth after you move in, you would have real problems. It would be a good idea to tell me all of the circumstances involved in your moving back in.” Then, I hung up. So, right now, I am just trying to remind myself that I have been renting this place since 1988 off and on. I did it before and I can do it again….and I have all that money he gave me to keep me hooked into this plan of him living in my place to keep me going until I find someone suitable if I have to. I have to keep reminding myself that I have taken care of myself all by myself a lot more than any man has ever truly taken care of me. In about a week, he will become desperate because he will be homeless for at least six weeks waiting for the VA apartment to come through. I honestly think that is his plan. To just live here until that becomes available. That would be a couple more months of rent for me and then I just need to let him go and change my phone number if he bothers me. I’ve done it once with him. I can do it again. I need to get back to 12 step meetings which are cheap and helpful so I quit trying to rely on men. Even my ex-husband’s help comes with a high price. He is quite domineering and “old fashioned” (read Evangelical Bible freak who thinks men are superior and women are McRibs) and I don’t think I would miss either of them much if I could get through my Agoraphobia and get to a meeting again like the days before I got so ill.
Gez and Blossom, I feel for you with the surgeries and the lunatics making things worse. I was lucky in that first ex-husband loved to “nurse” me back to health. His problem was he got upset when I was allowed to leave the house on my own afterwards! LOL. They can be loud and boorish and embarrassing, can’t they? And I can now see that others see what they are. They honestly don’t charm as many people as we think. It is humiliating when they charm others and it is embarrassing when they don’t!
In the last few days, I have had a VA nurse and a Social Worker say, “Yeah, he sure is” when I have just come out and said, “You know he is a sociopath.” The nurse happens to be married to a woman who knew some of this one’s “adventures” and he told me! I was shocked. I was able to confirm things I knew he was doing when we were together before. The nurse seemed to enjoy telling on him. I then told the spath that I had remembered his nurse’s wife and contacted her to “catch up” and she told me he was spread quite thin with the ladies while living with me the first time. He still unequivocally denies it, but I always knew it was true.
What a relief when someone who really knows first or second hand just tells you you were right back then! It gives you confidence in the present. When I confronted spath in a roundabout way, he got so mad at the nurse and vowed to get him in trouble. So, I called the nurse and said, “Look if anyone ever asks me, I’ve never heard of you or your wife. If anyone calls you in to ask, you don’t recall my name, but there was a lady who called a couple of times to ask about the “patient” and you just told her he was resting comfortably. He’s out to get you.” He said, “OK thanks” and I said, “No. Thank you” and we hung up. He didn’t seem a bit nervous about it. But, I wanted to reassure him that he is nice to tell someone like me the truth if I bring it up and I certainly was going to protect him.
I guess I will see what I do in the end. I am very scared about the money. But, I’ve been scared about money before and figured out what to do. I can do it again. It’s all a hassle. I doubt anyone has counted the days, weeks, months and years like I do until I get these mortgages off my back so I can live alone, move, and never have to rely on any man except a paid repairman! I sure do appreciate the links, the compassion, and the suggestions. Either decision I make will suck and I don’t trust myself ever to make the right one in the first place.
fightforwhatsright,
Let me say that from the outset,I understood that this was simply about your need for security.Very understandable,as that is a basic need!I didn’t want you to think that I was pressuring you to do things the way I would.It’s just that I’ve been through so much despair with spath,and in my own opinion,MY PEACE OF MIND and PHYSICAL HEALTH HAD FINALLY BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES!
Hi Blossom: I did feel you understood and I know any suggestions you have are for my own good. I don’t mind a bit being told like it is. Reality is a good thing. We all know I will do what I do and it will be exactly the same as it has been for the last two years of the spath living with me. HE will be the same, but I won’t and I know it. I was already getting to a point where I just wasn’t craving his phony love to make up for my father. It would not be pleasant, but it would be easier money than some of the goofballs I’ve had in there. So far, the Lortab is a deal breaker. I was kind of surprised he was taking it as after a heart attack, he couldn’t sleep taking it and took plain ibuprofen instead. He tried to call me back and I ignored him and he left no message. I am in the driver’s seat on this one. I do feel he just wants to stay here until he can get the cheap VA transitional apartment and then on to a Section 8/VA set up. But, that would be some more money coming in, pretty much ignoring him as much as I can, and then trying to graciously say, “So long.” His stuff is here, so I might as well have him paying to be here as I can’t rent it with his stuff here anyway. I appreciate all comments directed towards me because I know this is a safe place so far and everyone is only trying to help. I tell it like it is, too. Thanks for your helpful and kind words.
fight,
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!Stay in the driver’s seat…it’s such a nice feeling,isn’t it! 🙂
Well…at least I talk a good talk! We will see if I do stupid. Thanks.
Hi there, I had the same outrageous cruelty when I collapsed with a heart rhythm problem and spent 6weeks in hospital. My ex Spath would visit and complain about the parking charges and HE didn’t know how long he could cope with all this inconvenience in his life. Even said at one visit that unless I was home soon he would have to think about finding someone else who was not such a liability ! Often during or after a visit my cardiac monitoring went wild…..I realised then….that this man was toxic and was literally killing me !!
In fact this episode was an enlightenment…it was in my hospital bed that I made the decision to end the relationship with him when I got out….and started making plans. Setting up family and friends support systems,financial issues etc.
It took 2 further years before I finally make the full break,with no contact.That was 7 years ago .
The experience has taught me so much about myself and the whole Spath arena. I always thought I could handle the situation as I myself am a psychotherapist but was never fully aware of the Spath dynamic…..until I went
through it myself.
I am also now so aware of my need to rescue others and my belief that everyone means well but are just damaged or misguided and can be healed. NOT SO with a Spath. I run a mile from any red flags now in both personal and professional life.
The ex-BF was a hydrocodone addict. I was unaware and I thought he had a stomach issue. I cleaned up alot of vomit. When I got the flu, though, he threw a fit. Cursed me out and stormed out of the house. Had to hit the gym to relieve the stress of it all. LOL What a MAN!!! If you meet a guy in the West Hills of Pittsburgh who’s got good upper-body development and wants to carry on about the fantastic Christian he is — and his initials are K.O. — drop everything you’re doing and punch him in the face for me. Thanks.
I find this a very interesting article as I have just been through a weekend where I was very angry after trying to deal with the stress and abuse of my partner as I helped him in his business then found him on the computer site checking out the woman he works at times with and sending them messages.
My son called on Monday I told him how upset I was with his Father. My son then said that my husband told him that all I do is sleep and don’t work and rest in the afternoon. I have worked very hard and raised three children, got them through university and art college. I feel I raised them alone. I have also worked for thirty years and at one point had two jobs for almost ten years. During that time I have fibromyalgia, then thyroid disease, along with the fibromyalgia I also got the environmental sensitivity and chronic fatigue. After this is was early onset osteoarthritis and after menopause the beginnings of osteoporosis.
Lucky for me I got wise to my health issues and was able to deal with them but they have taken their toll.
Where was my husband all this time, living with me. I sent my son an email and told him everything I had done and my health issues. I also told him I thought my husband was a sociopath. He is definitely a narcissist. I said to my son that he has no feelings for anyone.
I had already sent my husband an email about his behaviour and then by accident sent the one I wrote to my son to him as well. He didn’t deny what I had said or apologize either. He said to me did the children know about how he had treated me in our marriage and accused my of talking to them. I have talked to them and feel they need to know what I have been through and to protect them against people like their Father.
I also said to him that if he can tell my children I sleep all the time ( by the way this is after the huge Easter dinner that I had prepared for him and our family which I have done every year almost and the other holidays and guests we have had over. Does he think this isn’t work and not an exhausting thing to do despite my health issues?) Then I can tell them how he has treated me and part of that I describe is like a leper.
Thank you again Lovefraud for hitting the nail on the head. I have fought long and hard to keep my family together and I know my children know this because it is useless to expect someone who can’t feel anything for other people to care about me or in truth our family.
He also more or less abandoned his parents when they were in their last illnesses. His Mother who more or less told him he could do no wrong hardly saw him in the last three years of her life and his Father got alzheimer’s and fortunately a very good care facility but saw little of his son or daughter.
Thank you Donna and Lovefraud you explain away the hurt of living with these people and make us feel we are not alone.
Many years ago, I was briefly involved with one of these individuals… one night when I was at his home I became ill, and ended up spending the entire night lying on the floor, vomiting into a bowl, fading in and out of consciousness; he had simply left me there, and went to go watch television. The next day he approached me and said he truly believed I would die during the night. Stunned, because I’d never been up against anything like that before, I asked him why he hadn’t called an ambulance or a doctor; his reply: “Waaa waaa, it’s all about you, isn’t it?”
Since then, I’ve had the misfortune of knowing quite a few individuals like that (not personal involvements) and hit on a clue: there are segments of the population where people were not properly cared for as children and even infants– instead, they were simply left to fend for themselves when they were ill or injured. And they never developed any empathy or compassion for others. It seems to me this kind of early childhood NEGLECT has a lot to do with ‘breeding sociopaths.’
Welcome to the 4 new members,English Elle,Gloria,panthonyt,and gatitosmommy!Each of your stories had that similar vein running through it,lack of empathy.gatitosmommy,your story reminds me of my own,except that instead of being sick,I was choking.Spaths can’t even be troubled with calling an ambulance!They’d rather use that precious time to mock us!You made a good point that perhaps some of them were neglected in early childhood,thus never developing empathy and compassion.I can certainly see that happening.On the ‘other side of the coin’ though, would be where my spath was ‘bred’.He was spoiled rotten,though he wasn’t from a wealthy family,he was given whatever they and the extended family could afford,but alot of what he got was ATTENTION!He learned to expect that from EVERYONE!And if he didn’t get it,he acted up!