By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
Before I go into explaining in more detail the exercises to help you gather strength and lose fear to leave the sociopath (from my last article) it would be helpful to know how and why we end up reacting to the sociopath and getting attached and controlled in the first place.
Predators are extremely astute at quickly assessing and targeting our vulnerabilities, whether consciously or subconsciously. It’s very empowering to start becoming aware of what those vulnerabilities are that hook us and keep us hooked. Self-awareness, or “mindfulness,” is the most essential tool in going forward. It means to become conscious of our reactions instead of being subconsciously driven, so that we can regain control and inner strength, and become detached.
Perhaps the biggest question we ask ourselves after realizing we have been with a sociopath is, “How did this happened to me?” We may have started out as strong and independent, feeling relatively good about ourselves, had success in our lives, even had successful relationships. But when we were swept off our feet by the attentive, often intelligent, charming, and confident/strong personality that was our sociopath, we thought we had finally found someone who seemed to focus on loving us and was adoringly committed. At the end of it all, we feel foolish and ashamed for being taken in, for not seeing the signs.
When it happened to me, I was an experienced therapist who had worked long and hard in therapy myself to heal childhood wounds. I had recovered as a teenager from addiction and worked in the rehab as a counselor for three years. I had grieved the death of my husband after a long and happy marriage, become a struggling single mother while obtaining a graduate degree so we could survive. I dealt with mental illness in family members. I had great friends and a loving family. I loved my work. I felt strong. I was good. So, after having been taken in by a sociopath, I felt particularly foolish and ashamed. How did a therapist get conned?
I suppose some of that has to do with trusting that people who look you in the eye and tell you something are being truthful, plus believing in the inherent goodness of people — what I’ve now come to recognize as naivety. But, there were other things in me reacting and responding to the sociopath as well — some dormant for a long time — and these vary from person to person. What are those reactions and responses in us that the sociopath targets, that we can identify and change?
They target our loyalty, trusting nature, commitment
They can see that we are naïve to their type. I believe the “love-bombing,” the attention, the being everything we want or need them to be, their perfect glib answers, initially throw us off guard. The only thing we know about this person is what they present to us and that is all good, and we believe them. They have made it through the first level — gaining our trust.
We mistakenly perceive that they feel as connected to us as we do to them. We believe they are experiencing the growing feelings for them in the same way, becoming more committed — especially as they voice that they are. They may be feeling something intense (or not), but it is not emotional connection like we think it is. We explain away their questionable behavior in the only way we know how — we perceive their confidence not as arrogance, their glibness not as deception, their dominance not as being controlling — but as strengths. It is encouraging to them that we accept them, and remain loyal and committed.
They target our caretaker, codependent tendencies
We may have been very much in control in our lives, felt confident, were independent, even have overcome previous codependent tendencies, and built solid boundaries. But, when the sociopath we love starts outwardly exhibiting the need to be in control, our subconscious knows just what to do.
This response is likely to come from a younger version of us, perhaps going all the way back to childhood. We may have had a controlling/abusive parent or older sibling, a non-present parent, or witnessed the parent abusing or neglecting the other parent or a sibling. Maybe someone outside our family abused us or we were bullied. Or, maybe we just got too much correcting and/or criticizing and not enough validation. As children we may have responded by trying to be “good,” trying harder, being the peacemaker. We were over-responsible, blaming and looking at ourselves to solve the problem/chaos, in hopes that it ultimately will get us what every child needs: nurturing, validation. Some of us may have fought for it.
So, when our partner creates the same environment in the relationship (e.g. reacting in anger, dismissiveness, shutting down, dissociating/withdrawing whenever we express a need or are not submissive), we do what we know. We scramble to save the relationship by trying harder, looking for the answer in ourselves, or fighting, in the hope that our needs for nurturing and validation in the relationship will be met. But the sociopath’s message is always the same: “Either conform to what works for me or go away.” Over time we accommodate them more and more to save the relationship. We start to lose what boundaries we have and our very selves.
They target the addict
Some of us respond viscerally to the frequent over-the-top sex the sociopath is so good at, or to the feeling of “love” that comes at the beginning of a relationship. Of course, the sociopath knows how to pour it on in heady doses. If we have addictive tendencies, we will be vulnerable to the “love drug” as a means to feel better.
Through the sociopath’s continual demands for sex, the hormone oxytocin is being released, which creates a powerful feeling of attachment. The sociopath instinctively knows this! This process is genetically encoded for the survival of offspring. Sex also causes a powerful release of dopamine, which is the body’s natural opiate. It all just makes us feel happy and close to our partner, makes unpleasant feelings go away, inside us or in the relationship. We have to ask ourselves, what about that “high” works for us?
They target our own fears about commitment
This is something we may have to dig deep to see in ourselves. While we were consciously “ready” for love, and so happy to have found it in the sociopath, our subconscious beliefs about love were likely not so optimistic. For instance, deep down we might not believe we are lovable or worthy of happiness. Or, we may have experienced a trauma that changed our former faith in love, happiness, or our worthiness, such as divorce, death, multiple failed relationships, being alone, aging.
These subconscious beliefs will make us afraid to fully commit because if we do, we will experience the very painful loss of love that we had experienced before. So, we end up with someone who is not capable of committing, not even really present in the relationship. Then we subconsciously know the loss won’t feel as bad. In a strange way, we are protecting ourselves.
They target our inner victim
I remember thinking at times, “Why do I feel like I did when I was living with my abusive father?” (wounds I had healed long ago with my father). But then, there was that feeling of it being very familiar. My “victim consciousness” got triggered. When she did, she went off and isolated, curled into a ball of despair. (That is, until my “fighter” kicked in later on.)
We all have a victim in us to some degree — whether we were victimized by abuse and/or neglect in our families, abuse outside the home, bullying, rejection, or learning problems. As a child, we were powerless to protect ourselves or know how to feel good with ourselves. Our partner who abuses, threatens, dominates, etc., violates our personhood, and by definition, victimizes us. This triggers the inner victim, which may have been long dormant, but who will feel and react exactly the way it did before — feeling powerless to influence/stop the perpetrator, questioning his/her own worth, feeling shame — all crippling.
They target our empathy
This is the biggest hook! Subconsciously the sociopath can intuit our “childhood wound,” as we can intuit theirs. They may tell us about how they were abused and/or neglected by their parents or others. Indeed, they may have horrific stories of how their parents or others victimized, humiliated, and abandoned them. When we hear this, our own childhood wound of abandonment, abuse, loneliness, or neglect, is triggered, and so we feel intense compassion and sorrow for the wounded boy/girl in them.
Their wound is deep down in them, and it is unhealed because, while they may speak sadly about how they were unloved or victimized, they are not actually emotionally connected to it. They chose at some point to bury it under rage. But we very much are! This can make us determined to love and never leave that poor boy/girl who no one ever loved and who everyone else abandoned.
Our sadness for that wounded boy/girl will also encourage us to overlook too much. We may not judge him/her by normal standards or expectations, and may excuse his/her behaviors based on what s/he’s been through. At this point, because we identify and connect to our partner’s wounded child, to leave him/her now, we would be putting ourselves in the place of the parents or abusers who wounded them (and us). We are put in a terrible conflict between not abandoning them, and our own survival.
Mary,
I completely identify with what you have written. My parents weren’t demonstrative and my Father in particular was obsessed with power and control. My whole future was already planned out for me until I rebelled at 17 and all hell broke loose. I was also that child who felt I “had” to fix things, be the mediator…..even though I had no idea why or what was happening even. Thank you for this timely article. It confirms and validates my understanding so far of why I was such an easy target for the ex.
I so wanted to be the one person who would love him better than anyone had ever done before.
Mary, yes……yes……..and, YESSSSSSSSSS! What a wonderful article, and I thank you! The words that you’re printing, here, are validating that we didn’t necessarily WANT to be damaged by the spaths or lure them in to abuse us.
There’s another aspect of remaining with spaths that I think transcends the trauma-bond, and that is fear of failure. I, personally, had not experienced much success in previous relationship OR my first marriage. In fact, I remained with the first abusive exspath for a number of reasons, but one of them was because I didn’t want my marriage to become another statistic – I wanted to make it work, force it to work, make HIM okay, make US okay, etc, ad nauseum. It is, perhaps, a fear of admitting that we made “a mistake” and, rather than seeing it as a mistake or that we were intentionally targeted by a “bad person,” we work feverishly to correct the situation. And, we simply don’t have that kind of power.
You mention the naivetee, and reading this was like getting slapped in the face with a cold, dead salmon. I cannot count the number of times that the second exspath said (AND, I quote), “It’s okay to be naive because it means that all of your innocence wasn’t destroyed.” WHAT a line, eh? I mean, think about the words and how I was being told what was okay for me to believe! And, I bought it!
Hook, line, and sinker, the bait, lure, and snag is a comprehensive coup on the target. It’s emotional. It’s sexual. It’s spiritual. It’s financial – it’s the Whole Self that becomes involved in this entanglement, and the core issues are the strings that they use to tug us this way and that.
For me, I had maintained a very, very strong shame-core, and that’s what the exspath was able to hone in on so effectively.
I very much appreciate this article, Mary. The tactics and reactions that you’re talking about are identifiable, across the board.
Brightest blessings
Off Topic: what is your perception of HOW spaths “know” how to use our issues to entrap their targets? Seriously. People aren’t born with a “Handbook Of Life,” and I am really interested in your view on precisely how a spath sorts out their targets and is so able to say words and use actions to elicit the responses that they intend.
WOW! Again, I am amazed at something I have read here and how it fits what I have been experiencing these past two years.
Like this section of your article:
“We all have a victim in us to some degree ”“ whether we were victimized by abuse and/or neglect in our families, abuse outside the home, bullying, rejection, or learning problems. As a child, we were powerless to protect ourselves or know how to feel good with ourselves. Our partner who abuses, threatens, dominates, etc., violates our personhood, and by definition, victimizes us. This triggers the inner victim, which may have been long dormant, but who will feel and react exactly the way it did before ”“ feeling powerless to influence/stop the perpetrator, questioning his/her own worth, feeling shame ”“ all crippling.
They target our empathy
This is the biggest hook! Subconsciously the sociopath can intuit our “childhood wound,” as we can intuit theirs. They may tell us about how they were abused and/or neglected by their parents or others. Indeed, they may have horrific stories of how their parents or others victimized, humiliated, and abandoned them. When we hear this, our own childhood wound of abandonment, abuse, loneliness, or neglect, is triggered, and so we feel intense compassion and sorrow for the wounded boy/girl in them.
Their wound is deep down in them, and it is unhealed because, while they may speak sadly about how they were unloved or victimized, they are not actually emotionally connected to it. They chose at some point to bury it under rage. But we very much are! This can make us determined to love and never leave that poor boy/girl who no one ever loved and who everyone else abandoned.
Our sadness for that wounded boy/girl will also encourage us to overlook too much. We may not judge him/her by normal standards or expectations, and may excuse his/her behaviors based on what s/he’s been through. At this point, because we identify and connect to our partner’s wounded child, to leave him/her now, we would be putting ourselves in the place of the parents or abusers who wounded them (and us). We are put in a terrible conflict between not abandoning them, and our own survival.”
I was actually to the point where I would believe and say to my ex gf THAT I WANTED TO GO BACK IN TIME TO DEFEND AND SAVE her from the beatings that her mother gave her, the rapes, the abusive lesbian relationship, the taunting high school peers, the sadness of noone showing up for her birthday party, the sexual abuse by her relative, etc, etc.
But – she really appeared DETACHED from all of those things and to my knowledge did not and would not pursue therapy. I have a theory — she probably ‘split’ herself into two people from those experiences. A really ‘good girl’ and, a really devious and sneaky relatively ‘bad girl.’ And, she would not acknowledge how her words and actions affected me – and what the root of her behaviour may have been.
But, at the same time she pushed and pushed and pushed me to acknowledge that I was damaged and traumatized to the point where it all became about me – I needed therapy and she was the one that was stable, pure, unscathed and logical. I see how this worked because in reliving my pain – and she really ‘helped’ me to do that – I bought an excuse for what I perceived to be doing wrong in the relationship. Also, more importantly, remembering my pain INCREASED the empathy and sorrow that I felt for her.
And she would not want me to feel better and get over those past pains rather, she would want me to search inside myself for MORE of them (‘Keep going to therapy – you’re not done yet!’), would poke at them and stoke the emotions that they evoked within me. WHY?
I began overanalyzing myself and began to wonder WTF I was doing in therapy anymore while she avoided it!
How did it all become about me – when it came to faults and dysfunction and, all about her – when it came to unmet needs and desires?
(P.S.: Thanx, Truthspeak, for your input on other threads. Am following your advice.)
Mary,
It’s always validating to read that someone with your credentials, also got conned. Though I’m sorry for the pain you experienced, I’m so happy that you took that painful experience and are using it to help others heal.
I look back and wonder what it would have taken for me to avoid the hell I went through. At age 17, I was certainly naive.
I did try to leave him 3 times. He had not made a commitment and consequently neither had I. He didn’t ask me to marry him. But by the time I was 25, he realized that I was eventually going to leave him for good, if he didn’t figure out a way to nail me down. So he suggested I buy a house. That was the commitment. He didn’t even have to marry me. The house was the trap. It was our house, on an island, in the woods, isolated and I was completely dependent because he was poisoning my food.
Responsibility was my downfall. I took on all the responsibility that he handed me. All the bills were in my name, but so was the house, so was the business. I took responsibilities that were not mine to take. And I never questioned why.
Granted, I met a very evil person who almost killed me and may continue to try, but I think if I’d never met HIM, I would have met some other abuser. I was set up by my upbringing. Both my cousins went through abusive men for years. Both my sisters married abusers. It just runs in our family. There was not going to be anyway I was going to avoid it. It was not luck of the draw. It was familiarity that attracted me. A familiarity that I wasn’t even aware of. I THOUGHT I was looking for a man who was the opposite of my dad. What I found was a man who was worse than anyone in my family could ever imagine.
But that said, perhaps that is what a family so mired in a history of evil, needed to be able to even perceive the evil. Anything less would’ve seemed like just another “one of us.”
To Truthspeak:
“what is your perception of HOW spaths “know” how to use our issues to entrap their targets?”
I am being targeted by another sociopath! This time, though, instead of falling for the lines, I can watch in amused detachment. I think the second part of the equation is the willingness on the part of the victim that plays a role in their success. This is really paramount, in my opinion. But I think it may sometimes be a numbers game to them. They throw out the hook multiple times until SOMEONE gets reeled in. Now, they may also have a built-in radar that gathers information and helps them to know where to cast the hook. So if you are not in a vulnerable position, it just falls away without harming you.
Sociopaths are not infallible (no matter what they think!). They are still “humans” and have limitations just like the rest of us. If I can identify my vulnerablities and shield them, I am in a better position to protect myself. It’s all I can do. Using the AA saying: “HALT=Hungry, angry, lonely, tired?” Then stop and make no decisions or committments. Come back with a clear head and then make a decision. It’s safer bet.
Skylar
You wrote something, above.
“But that said, perhaps that is what a family so mired in a history of evil, needed to be able to even perceive the evil. Anything less would’ve seemed like just another “one of us.””
I think this is a really important point.
All day I have been mulling, if God doesn’t make mistakes, then why did he make the Spath?
And I think you have it exactly right. David Barron, who wrote “Social Animal” and writes in the New York Times said that there is SUPPOSED to be a natural tension in all things.
Low pressure systems versus high pressure systems. Day versus night. Men versus women. Spring versus fall. He said that this tension is *THE POINT*.
I think that if God doesn’t make mistakes, then the point of the spath is to create tension, and awareness, so that those of us who are not spaths can see the contrast, and learn.
Lesson Learned, a frequent poster on this site, got it exactly right.
Thank you, spath, for my lesson learned!
Athena
Duplicate
Mary,
Which goes to show that no matter how “with it” or “together” we are emotionally, spiritually, or intellectually, we are still RIPE to be conned if we don’t keep up a reasonable level of CAUTION in our interacting with others.
Accepting other at “face value” is going to get you into trouble SOME of the time….maybe not often, but often enough that it will pay to exercise some REASONABLE CAUTION in dealing with people.
Accepting that we are PREY animals and that there are members of our own species who are the PREDATOR animals makes it a bit more difficult for us to determine WHO the predator is than it might for an antelope who knows that ALL lions are predators, we are not given the advantage that the antelope has in knowing that ALL of our predators don’t look different than the rest of us.
The antelope tries to keep away from the lion, so there is some distance to run away.
We also need to keep some distance between ourselves and others until we are able to rationally (not emotionally) judge their potential for danger.
Athena,
yes, the spath serves one function: as an example of how not to be. That became very apparent once I knew what he was, the devil.
Mary,
Thank you for a very good article. So many of us identify with our over trust, loyalty, and over commitment. It was especially bad for me after the children were born. That was the start of ramping up the emotional and verbal abuse. I didn’t want to leave because I had now committed to not just “him” in marriage” but also children now. He took grave advantage of that.
But because I stayed too long I am now working on getting rid of emotional scar tissue.
Just a week ago there was an article in my local newspaper titled, “Domestic violence – it happens even in the nice neighborhoods”
It said how abusers in our area have money, power, influence, and technical savvy to make it very hard for a woman to leave safely, reach a fair settlement, keep custody of the children and maintain standard of living. Also mentions the social stigma attached to abuse. (Did that ever apply to me) I thought people would think I was NUTS for putting up with the stuff I did.
Now they think, how can an intelligent, educated, professional woman with a Master’s Degree… successful in so many aspects of her life have had this happen? I know “they” do. But I know longer care that “they” think this. In my heart I did what I did because it was probably all that I could handle at the time.
I had a desire to also protect “his” image and career. The article also mentions that the affluent abuser RELIES on his image and career to triumph over any evidence to the contrary.
It takes a TON of courage to admit, confront, and ACT on what we know is wrong and evil. I am so grateful that I finally got the courage to file for divorce and get out. I always thought divorce was such a terrible thing. I was very opposed to it. I just thought it meant “everyone” hadn’t tried hard enough. Now I know, Two must try, Not one.
Glad to be out of denial and I hope if I ever bite again on the line of a spath that I realize quickly who the fisherman is at his core.