By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
Before I go into explaining in more detail the exercises to help you gather strength and lose fear to leave the sociopath (from my last article) it would be helpful to know how and why we end up reacting to the sociopath and getting attached and controlled in the first place.
Predators are extremely astute at quickly assessing and targeting our vulnerabilities, whether consciously or subconsciously. It’s very empowering to start becoming aware of what those vulnerabilities are that hook us and keep us hooked. Self-awareness, or “mindfulness,” is the most essential tool in going forward. It means to become conscious of our reactions instead of being subconsciously driven, so that we can regain control and inner strength, and become detached.
Perhaps the biggest question we ask ourselves after realizing we have been with a sociopath is, “How did this happened to me?” We may have started out as strong and independent, feeling relatively good about ourselves, had success in our lives, even had successful relationships. But when we were swept off our feet by the attentive, often intelligent, charming, and confident/strong personality that was our sociopath, we thought we had finally found someone who seemed to focus on loving us and was adoringly committed. At the end of it all, we feel foolish and ashamed for being taken in, for not seeing the signs.
When it happened to me, I was an experienced therapist who had worked long and hard in therapy myself to heal childhood wounds. I had recovered as a teenager from addiction and worked in the rehab as a counselor for three years. I had grieved the death of my husband after a long and happy marriage, become a struggling single mother while obtaining a graduate degree so we could survive. I dealt with mental illness in family members. I had great friends and a loving family. I loved my work. I felt strong. I was good. So, after having been taken in by a sociopath, I felt particularly foolish and ashamed. How did a therapist get conned?
I suppose some of that has to do with trusting that people who look you in the eye and tell you something are being truthful, plus believing in the inherent goodness of people — what I’ve now come to recognize as naivety. But, there were other things in me reacting and responding to the sociopath as well — some dormant for a long time — and these vary from person to person. What are those reactions and responses in us that the sociopath targets, that we can identify and change?
They target our loyalty, trusting nature, commitment
They can see that we are naïve to their type. I believe the “love-bombing,” the attention, the being everything we want or need them to be, their perfect glib answers, initially throw us off guard. The only thing we know about this person is what they present to us and that is all good, and we believe them. They have made it through the first level — gaining our trust.
We mistakenly perceive that they feel as connected to us as we do to them. We believe they are experiencing the growing feelings for them in the same way, becoming more committed — especially as they voice that they are. They may be feeling something intense (or not), but it is not emotional connection like we think it is. We explain away their questionable behavior in the only way we know how — we perceive their confidence not as arrogance, their glibness not as deception, their dominance not as being controlling — but as strengths. It is encouraging to them that we accept them, and remain loyal and committed.
They target our caretaker, codependent tendencies
We may have been very much in control in our lives, felt confident, were independent, even have overcome previous codependent tendencies, and built solid boundaries. But, when the sociopath we love starts outwardly exhibiting the need to be in control, our subconscious knows just what to do.
This response is likely to come from a younger version of us, perhaps going all the way back to childhood. We may have had a controlling/abusive parent or older sibling, a non-present parent, or witnessed the parent abusing or neglecting the other parent or a sibling. Maybe someone outside our family abused us or we were bullied. Or, maybe we just got too much correcting and/or criticizing and not enough validation. As children we may have responded by trying to be “good,” trying harder, being the peacemaker. We were over-responsible, blaming and looking at ourselves to solve the problem/chaos, in hopes that it ultimately will get us what every child needs: nurturing, validation. Some of us may have fought for it.
So, when our partner creates the same environment in the relationship (e.g. reacting in anger, dismissiveness, shutting down, dissociating/withdrawing whenever we express a need or are not submissive), we do what we know. We scramble to save the relationship by trying harder, looking for the answer in ourselves, or fighting, in the hope that our needs for nurturing and validation in the relationship will be met. But the sociopath’s message is always the same: “Either conform to what works for me or go away.” Over time we accommodate them more and more to save the relationship. We start to lose what boundaries we have and our very selves.
They target the addict
Some of us respond viscerally to the frequent over-the-top sex the sociopath is so good at, or to the feeling of “love” that comes at the beginning of a relationship. Of course, the sociopath knows how to pour it on in heady doses. If we have addictive tendencies, we will be vulnerable to the “love drug” as a means to feel better.
Through the sociopath’s continual demands for sex, the hormone oxytocin is being released, which creates a powerful feeling of attachment. The sociopath instinctively knows this! This process is genetically encoded for the survival of offspring. Sex also causes a powerful release of dopamine, which is the body’s natural opiate. It all just makes us feel happy and close to our partner, makes unpleasant feelings go away, inside us or in the relationship. We have to ask ourselves, what about that “high” works for us?
They target our own fears about commitment
This is something we may have to dig deep to see in ourselves. While we were consciously “ready” for love, and so happy to have found it in the sociopath, our subconscious beliefs about love were likely not so optimistic. For instance, deep down we might not believe we are lovable or worthy of happiness. Or, we may have experienced a trauma that changed our former faith in love, happiness, or our worthiness, such as divorce, death, multiple failed relationships, being alone, aging.
These subconscious beliefs will make us afraid to fully commit because if we do, we will experience the very painful loss of love that we had experienced before. So, we end up with someone who is not capable of committing, not even really present in the relationship. Then we subconsciously know the loss won’t feel as bad. In a strange way, we are protecting ourselves.
They target our inner victim
I remember thinking at times, “Why do I feel like I did when I was living with my abusive father?” (wounds I had healed long ago with my father). But then, there was that feeling of it being very familiar. My “victim consciousness” got triggered. When she did, she went off and isolated, curled into a ball of despair. (That is, until my “fighter” kicked in later on.)
We all have a victim in us to some degree — whether we were victimized by abuse and/or neglect in our families, abuse outside the home, bullying, rejection, or learning problems. As a child, we were powerless to protect ourselves or know how to feel good with ourselves. Our partner who abuses, threatens, dominates, etc., violates our personhood, and by definition, victimizes us. This triggers the inner victim, which may have been long dormant, but who will feel and react exactly the way it did before — feeling powerless to influence/stop the perpetrator, questioning his/her own worth, feeling shame — all crippling.
They target our empathy
This is the biggest hook! Subconsciously the sociopath can intuit our “childhood wound,” as we can intuit theirs. They may tell us about how they were abused and/or neglected by their parents or others. Indeed, they may have horrific stories of how their parents or others victimized, humiliated, and abandoned them. When we hear this, our own childhood wound of abandonment, abuse, loneliness, or neglect, is triggered, and so we feel intense compassion and sorrow for the wounded boy/girl in them.
Their wound is deep down in them, and it is unhealed because, while they may speak sadly about how they were unloved or victimized, they are not actually emotionally connected to it. They chose at some point to bury it under rage. But we very much are! This can make us determined to love and never leave that poor boy/girl who no one ever loved and who everyone else abandoned.
Our sadness for that wounded boy/girl will also encourage us to overlook too much. We may not judge him/her by normal standards or expectations, and may excuse his/her behaviors based on what s/he’s been through. At this point, because we identify and connect to our partner’s wounded child, to leave him/her now, we would be putting ourselves in the place of the parents or abusers who wounded them (and us). We are put in a terrible conflict between not abandoning them, and our own survival.
Spoon,
Stigma comes down to perception.
I know that we are however we deem ourselves.
Stigma can be owned by an individual (e.g., people will think I am…,) owned by the projectors (e.g., Watch your step around THAT one; he/she is…) or owned by both sides.
There are always people who believe that they have the right to comment on how others live their lives. Sometimes that’s healthy, but other times, it isn’t. When it isn’t, the stigmas get owned and/or pinned to someone.
We are social creatures, after all.
hi folks, going into surgery tomorrow. still at the diagnostic phase. didn’t get definitive results from the last biopsy. so don’t want to go down the road to death. who knows.
prayers and love – please keep me in your hearts and prayers, wishes, meditations, whatever….
love one joy.
one/joy
My prayers and thoughts and love are with you.
Onejoy, brightest and most supportive blessings on your surgery, tomorrow. HUGS!
Honestkingdiver, thank you, and you can BET I’m thankful, today. Yeah, it’s going to take some time for me to cultivate new Holiday rituals and traditions, but the exspath pretty much snuffed out all traditions, so continuing to let the Holiday Blues creep in only gives him the “WIN.”
Louise….hugs, kiddo. Holidays are the worst time to recollect the illusions, so try your dammedest to avoid that temptation! Whatever the spath presented is not what he truly is, by any stretch of the imagination. This is what I try to remember any time I begin to question, “Was he really THAT bad?!”
Hugs, gratitude, and the brightest of blessings to everyone!
One Joy,
I picture the Medicine Buddha with his bowl of amrita to pour over your head. Healing blessings to you.
one/joy:
I am praying for you and your healing.
Truthspeak:
Thank you for that. You are so right…it was ALL an illusion. Very sad, but true. I am keeping that in mind today when I have so much to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! We all have something to be thankful for even if it’s the small things.
Louise, you wrote, “We all have something to be thankful for even if it’s the small things.” Something for you to crow about, this morning, m’dear! Getting out alive and not ending up in a mental institution, jail, or morgue is NO “small” thing! 😀
Yepper! HAPPY Gratitude Day!
I was watching the Ricky Lake show the other day, I’ve been following her more after she featured Donna on the show. There was a lady on there who had been dating a spath and when they broke up he showed up at her house and stabbed her multiple times. When asked what advice she could give women, she said “don’t put yourself out there until your healthy” when she meet this man she was recently just out of a nasty divorce and wasn’t in a healthy emotional state. I know that at anytime we can be a target of a spath, but I think we are less vulnerable to spaths, narcissist, or just plain not nice guys when we are not in a healthy state. I also was targeted by a spath 2.5 years ago and was just starting to get healthy this summer.
This blog helped! Thank you for all of your support and sharing. Until I started really following the blogs I didn’t fully understand the nature of my situation. I carried a lot of quilt for being so stupid for falling for someone so obvious to everyone else was a player. I fell so hard and so deep that I jeopardized my whole life. I damaged my relationship with my children, friends and family. I felt like I was crazy and had been struggling with those feelings for a while.
I had to quit my job because my performance was suffering and the stress of working with a manager that has his own issues with women was more than I could handle. I decided to go visit some good friends of mine with my son back in a town that we had lived three years prior. We hadn’t been back for a while and it was time. I missed my best friend there and there was a guy friend that I wanted to see who I’ve known for 17 years. He has always wanted more and over the last year we had grown closer. He had been a great support to me after the fall out with my spath and I felt I needed to see him. Our relationship was changing and I felt I needed to see what that meant. He was so sure he was the guy for me, but after 17 years and watching me go through a not great marriage and then a spath, he was frustrated with me not seeing him as that guy who was never going to hurt me. He told me the window of opportunity was closing.
The weekend turned out to be a disaster. After driving for 10 hours we got in late. My girlfriend seemed off, she was so focused on another girlfriend she had invited to come visit the same weekend that it didn’t seem to matter to her that I had travelled so long to see her. We all have birthdays days apart so that night we were all having one big celebration. I had lunch with my guy friend and things were comfortable and normal. I felt good about our friendship and I was happy for the time to leave it there. I knew I wasn’t really ready yet to make it more. I invited him to our dinner celebration for that evening. He joined me for supper with my other friend and another couple. Diner was nice but the wine was flowing in abundance. I left the restaurant already tipsy. Everyone was going back to my girlfriends house to celebrate some more. My friend came along, against my better judgement. I shouldn’t have allowed him with my son being their, but I thought it would be fine, the boys were going to go to the movies and after all we were just friends, always have been just friends. More wine flowed and champagne and hard liquor and I was beyond drunk in a short time. I think I needed the release. My girlfriend was still upset over her other friend not showing and she was also very drunk at this point, which lead her to take out her anger on me. Out of no where in front of all her friends and my close guy friend she started telling me how messed up I was and how I was crazy and that she had never met someone more screwed up in her life than me. Well, I was devastated, speechless, and shocked. I had been struggling with all those emotions about myself and her my good friend airs my dirty laundry in front of a room full of strangers and someone I cared about. I ran from the room and found the room I was staying in upstairs and just cried uncontrollably for at least 30 min before one of her friends I had just met came up to get me. My girlfriend came up an apologized and talked me into coming back downstairs. I was so upset, and drunk.
The tears wouldn’t stop. My guy friend takes me out side to calm down, and all I could do was sit there and cry on his shoulder. At this point I’m so emotionally drained and drunk that the rest of the night is small, very small fragments. I remember almost nothing of what happened, but my guy friend of 17 years makes his move and he follows me into a room and kisses me. I remember kissing him and that is all. Not how it happened, just us kissing. The next morning I wake up in bed, fully dressed not knowing what had happened. I find out that we made out for along time in the laundry room, and at some point I put myself to bed, and he later followed me and joined me in bed. I must have passed out on him so he left, but he had his fun. It took me two days to find out what had happened, and I was so confused and upset that he would take advantage of me at a time like that knowing how drunk I was, and he admitted to being completely sober. I knew it was wrong, but his attitude about it and the way my girlfriend described it I felt that somehow it was my fault to. We had already been exploring our feelings for each other, I must have asked for it.
Three weeks go by and he wants to see me. We see each other and he feels comfortable to me again, I’m good at blocking things out I guess. I realize I have a long connection with this man and he has always care about me, and even though I know I’m not ready we start to cross lines. The time we spend together is tainted with too much alcohol again and after feeling intimate with my friend I break down and sob. It’s scary and I know I’m not ready, but this is my friend I can trust him so what is wrong with me. I’m hurting him with my reaction. So I decide that I have to make a decision, and I decide that I’m going to give this man a chance. We stay in contact for the next month, but things are weird between us. Its hard to know how to be with someone you’ve know for so long to go from friendship to more under not great circumstances. We struggle and he is now pulling back.
We agree to meet one more time and against my better judgement I go. Things start of not great, we meet for lunch and the whole time he’s texting someone else. The rest of the night he is smothering me with attention, it’s all about pleasing me. It seemed strange and weird, like he was trying to prove to me all that I’ve been missing for 17 years. At one point he even says to me jokingly “you’ve made me wait 17 years, now I’m going to make you pay”. We sleep together. The next day as we are saying our good byes it even felt weird. He say’s”I will text you when I get home safe” odd, not let me know when you make it safe. After all we both have big drives ahead of us. Over the next few weeks things get strained he isn’t calling when he says he will. I feel unimportant to him and then he tells me he doesn’t feel right starting our relationship in this way. We need to take a break until my life is on track. We agree not to see each other until then. He just disappears after that. He sends me some message about him fighting with his brother and then I hear nothing for three weeks.
In the mean time I’m so confused and not feeling well. I miss my period, and take a home test! I’m pregnant!!!! I call him and ask him how he is. He tells me he isn’t doing well, his life is a mess. His mom has problems and his brother has problems and he is so overwhelmed. I couldn’t tell him, I didn’t want to add to his stress. I think about it for a few hours and decide he needs to know. I call him and tell him. He doesn’t go well. He DOES NOT want to be a father he tells me over and over. I’m shocked by his reaction. I didn’t expect him to be happy but I didn’t expect him to be so focused on just himself. Over the next few days we talk, it goes from bad to worse. Time does not help. He has been here before a few times, and always was lucky to have a woman who shared his views on abortion. When I’m not so eager to consider that option he tries to bully me, and scary me. I realize that he doesn’t care about me at all, only himself. When all else fails and I tell him how disappointed in his behaviour he becomes cold and shows no emotion. I find out that this whole time he was leading me on he never wanted a relationship. He tells me “you have this baby I disappear!” Out of hurt and disbelief I tell him, he is a coward, that he can go back to his perfect life and dealing with his stuff.
He kept his word, that was the last words we spoke to each other. He disappeared. I tried calling him a few days later to see if cooler heads would prevail, I think he’s changed his phone number. I’m alone to deal with my situation. That day I got hit with three hard blows, I’m pregnant, I was used by someone who I thought I knew, who I trusted and loved, and I was abandanded to deal with it all by myself. In some ways this feels like a much bigger betrayal and more painful then what my spath put me through. I’m in such shock I don’t even know what to think. Who does this? Is he a spath or just one really messed up guy?
I blame myself for not trusting my instinct. I wasn’t ready and I knew it. I thought because we knew each other and were so close he could help me heal. After all that was his promise. I’ve learned a hard lesson, the healing can only come from with in. Trust yourself, believe in yourself, you are all you need to be whole and healthy. This man didn’t break me, as much as it hurts, as much as he has affected my life, he also gave me a valuable lesson, he taught me that love is a gift not a promise. It has taught me to trust myself not others, and that it’s a persons actions that speak the truth, words are often misused.