Hello my friends”¦
It’s so nice to be here, to discuss the subjects of narcissism and sociopathy.
I’d like to begin by asking each of you, one at a time, to tell us a little about me and what you hope to give me in our short time together?
Uh huh”¦hmmm”¦very interesting”¦.
As we continue circling the room, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to hear a little less about you, and more about me?
Okay, now that we’re done with the introductions”¦.
Let me formally begin by stating something fairly obvious: Narcissists and sociopaths are people you’ll want to avoid. Does this make sense? Are we in unanimity about this?
By the way, I want you to feel free during this presentation, at any point, to stretch my legs and get me a cup of coffee, to ensure my good circulation and alertness? (Incidentally, I like my coffee light with six sugars.)
My friends (and no, I’m not John McCain), I wonder whether any of you, right now, can look yourselves in the mirror and honestly say that you are completely attuned to me and, more important, humbled by the vast expertise I bring to this subject matter?
But I digress”¦.we are here, after all, to discuss me, not narcissists and sociopaths. (Excuse, I meant that the other way around!)
The gentleman over there, yawning, who is texting as I speak? You must be a sociopath, sir; or, at a minimum, a deranged narcissist, to have the gall to enter my audience and so blatantly disrespect me!
I’d suggest, sir, that you think less about that text message and more about the insulting message you send me with your contemptuous behavior?
By the way, my friends, I point that man out over there not to single him out and shame him gratuitously, but rather to identify live, spontaneous examples of narcissism and sociopathy right before your eyes.
Remember, my friends, by some estimates upwards of 4% of the general population are sociopaths! I believe that estimate comes from Martha Stout who, for purposes of her book sales (The Sociopath Next Door) lobbied for 26% as the figure, but after a noisy fight deferred to her publisher’s attorneys.
By my math, this means that, conservatively, at least four of you in the audience are clinical sociopaths. Well, I believe I’ve exposed the first!
Sir, sit down”¦where are you going? You can’t leave!! Sit back down, sir!!
Excuse me? You’re outraged? Did you say you were “outraged?”
Did you hear that, folks?
Listen to me, you arrogant jerk! Sit back down!!
You’re lucky I didn’t call security on you already for disrupting my presentation with your text messaging!! Now you compound your rudeness by deigning to escape with the blithe impudence of a sociopath?
My friends”¦this is the narcissist’s (or in his case, more likely the sociopath’s) contempt on full, alarming display!
Let me tell you something, sir, if I wasn’t so consumed with who I am, I’d be more interested to know who you are, if only to use my clout to ensure that you are permanently banned from all continuing education seminars—not just mine—in perpetuity!
You scoff, sir?
There it is”¦right there, my friends. Again”¦notice the contempt! See it for yourselves.
Fine”¦let him leave. We’re better off without him.
Now where were we?
Oh yes”¦just a reminder”¦we will break for lunch at 12 and I’d like you back no later than by 12:10.
That should give you enough time to scarf something down, and prepare for the brilliant material to come this afternoon.
And by the way, in order to avoid the congestion of those of you trying to crash my dining-room table to lunch with me, I will draw, in advance of our lunch-break, five names from a hat to establish who my dining table-mates will be.
This will be a random drawing, and I must warn you that I am not open to bribes, although I will note that those of you who buy my books—especially many of them—in the next hour or so, in the hall right outside this conference room, can expect special consideration.
Excellent”¦excellent.
The narcissist and sociopath”¦
Who are these individuals, my friends?
The scary thing is that they are our friends, our family, our colleagues, our doctors, our lawyers, our stockbrokers, our mates, and most chilling, our mail-carriers.
What else do we know about them?
We know that individuals with these warped personalities tend to regard others as “objects.”
As a matter of fact, if you leave here with nothing else, with, let us say, just a single, critical concept, let it be this: I know what I’m talking about.
As I was saying, these deviant individuals treat others not like individuals, but like objects. Remember this, because the implication is paramount: when you view others as a something, instead of a someone, it becomes easier to treat that person as a thing, not a person.
Hey you! Over there! Yeah, you! What are you, deaf? Do me a favor and turn the thermostat down, over there by the door. Yeah, right over there, by the door. Knock it down at least several degrees. I’m hot. Extremely hot.
Jesus Christ, yeah, you! That’s right”¦get up”¦out of your seat”¦then walk over to the wall, and jack the thermostat down. Get it, Einstein?
We know, by the way, that the narcissist will have little genuine interest in your experience while being pretty much entirely consumed in his”¦and his comfort.
What, people? You’re cold? That’s ridiculous. How can you be cold? You must be hallucinating! Because it’s hot in here! Nobody in their right minds could be cold when it’s so obviously, intolerably hot and stuffy in here.
Excuse me?
I’m invalidating your experience?
Sweetheart, what hypersensitivity drugs are you on? I’m merely stating an undeniable fact.
What? Don’t call you sweetheart?
Jesus, is this a feminist convention, or a continuing education seminar?
By the way, nobody touch the thermostat now that that cretin over there finally figured out how to adjust it.
I’m just kidding, calling you a cretin. God, you’re a hypersensitive crowd.
But seriously, if anyone so much as dares mess with the thermostat, you’re asking to see a side of me I’d prefer not to reveal.
My friends, sociopaths are fascinating creatures.
My god, have you ever had someone lie to your face, someone who makes an art form of lying convincingly, regardless of his patent guilt, for whom the very act of lying audaciously is a form of entertainment, satisfaction?
What I’m saying, my friends, is that, for the sociopath, the payoff is often the getting away with something; it is often the thrill of the game; the thrill of perpetrating fraud against others!
Come again? My doctorate? Are you questioning my credentials?
Read my lips and look into my eyes, and tell me if I’m lying: My doctorate is legitimate.
How dare you insinuate otherwise!
As the blurb on the seminar brochure says, I graduated at the top of my class from the College of America in 1985, with a Ph.D., MD., and JD. That makes me a psychologist, medical doctor, and lawyer—in other words, someone you don’t wanna mess with.
Now let me go a step further, as I look every single one of you in the eye from my podium: Not only are my doctorates legitimate, but so is everything in my biography.
That’s right, I dare any one of you to disprove a single assertion in my biography, including my claims to have studied closely with Carl Rogers, Gordon Allport, and Louis Pasteur.
Sure, I’m smiling. I’m smiling from the enviable position of a man who knows that he’s betrayed (excuse me, I meant conveyed) his integrity.
That was a Fraudian slip, people. Excuse me, I meant Freudian”¦that was a wholly innocent mistake. Don’t even go there.
Grandiosity”¦grandiosity. Let me look at my notes on grandiosity.
The narcissist and sociopath often have serious grandiosity issues”¦.hmmm.
Speaking of grandiosity, I routinely like to humble the clinicians I supervise by sharing the story of how Rogers—that’s right, Carl Rogers—once told me, “Len, you’re my favorite. You’re my favorite student. My most brilliant student. You will carry my work forward.”
Yes, this story tends to curb my students’ grandiosity.
You’re all shaking your heads”¦in appropriate awe, no doubt?
My friends, for the narcissist, even more than the sociopath, his grandiosity is a defense. The narcissist requires, like an addict, the experience and perception of himself as special, as above others.
Unless the narcissist is catered to, and treated as a sort of celebrity, he feels depressed, worthless, which typically takes the form of his anger and rage.
You two!! Knock it off!! How dare you whisper to each other while I’m speaking!!
Do I need to remind you people that I don’t have to be here. Don’t you get that? I don’t have to be here, people. You do; I don’t.
Last warning; this is my last warning. You people really are testing my patience.
Where was I, before your latest rude disturbance?
Anyway, I’ll tell you an interesting, and perhaps even edifying, story.
Once upon a time there was a married couple. And the wife periodically confronted the husband, “You know what? You’re a goddamned psychopath. That’s what you are. You put on a good front for the public. But make no mistake, you’re a masquerader. I know your deal. You’re a psychopath. And I’m gonna let people know. I’m no longer going to suffer your abuse in silence.”
And the husband laughed with great contempt, because he had great contempt for his wife. And he appreciated neither her scathing tone, boldness, nor, of course, her threat.
And the very next day the wife went missing. And was never to be found.
And the husband told each of his subsequent wives, of whom there were successively three, that they could never measure up to the first, his missing wife.
He’d probably never get over her loss, he’d tell them, with watering eyes.
His undiminished love for her, his first wife, probably was, he’d admit tearfully, holding him back. But he couldn’t help that, of course. His missing wife, after all, was the love of his life, and so maybe he was, he’d suggest, simply too scarred to ever get over it.
And his seeming vulnerability and seeming raw, emotional honesty made it much harder for his later wives to hold him accountable.
Why do I tell you this story, my friends?
Is it my story?
Not really. I know where my wife went”¦I’m convinced she returned to her family somewhere in eastern Mississippi where, I believe, she assumed a new identity and hence as if just dropped off the face of the earth.
Oh no, my wife is alive and well somewhere”¦she just doesn’t want anyone from her past to know about it.
I know exactly what you’re thinking, my friends: She, not I, is the psychopath?
You are a good crowd, very shrewd”¦yes you are.
And her successful disappearance proves just that, does it not? That she, not I, is the psychopath!
After all, only a psychopath, my friends, can just up one day, abandon her family, disappear permanently, and unconscionably leave a cloud of suspicion hanging over her betrayed husband!
Forgive me my tears”¦.I’m a very emotional man who, as you can see, has very deep feelings about this, still.
God, I miss her”¦that woman.
And every day I tell my kids, who are still young, “Don’t worry”¦she won’t be coming home”¦” Excuse me, that was another Fraudian slip”¦I meant to say I tell them, “Don’t worry, children”¦someday, when mama’s ready, she’ll reach out”¦and announce herself again”¦meanwhile, you must ignore those scurrilous, persistent rumors that have hounded me all your lives, rumors of my”¦uh”¦”˜involvement’ in your mother’s disappearance?”
I don’t mean to spin off on this, my friends, but you understand, don’t you, that that student intern with whom I took up just prior to my wife’s disappearance”¦you do realize that the timing of that was, of course, entirely coincidental?
It’s a funny thing, my friends, how in this cynical age we live in, nobody believes in coincidence anymore. How sad”¦how jaded”¦how tragic.
Where was I?
Sociopaths”¦yes, sociopaths are eternally intriguing personalities, my friends.
My friends, we are nearing time for a bathroom break. That is because, naturally, I have to go to the bathroom.
Before we break, and please be ready to resume promptly in no later than 40 seconds, I want to say something about the legendary psychopathy clinician Hervey Cleckley. Cleckley, you know, wrote the classic on psychopaths called “The Mask Of Sanity.”
If you haven’t yet read it, although it now costs about $850 for a used copy, you’re an idiot.
Anyway, I should tell you I was supervised by Dr. Cleckley himself as part of my externship right out of the University of Alabama. I sought Dr. Cleckley out myself, on my own initiative, and let me just say that after we spoke privately in his home office for exactly half an hour, he said, and I quote, “Young man, you are clearly a gifted young clinician. I was unprepared to take on another disciple, but I must say, now that I’ve met you, I wouldn’t think of missing the opportunity. By the way, have you read all six editions of my book?”
I answered, “No, Dr. Cleckley, just the five,” impressing him that I wouldn’t fall for his trick question (the sixth edition wouldn’t appear for some years later, until after his death).
As an aside, you might be interested to know that Dr. Cleckley referenced me frequently in his lectures to other psychiatrists and psychologists, referring to me as “my protégé Len.”
Who’s laughing?
You! Over there! Stand up!
My friends, here you have Exhibit A, standing naked before you, of insecurity, compensation, and envy!!
Your laughter, young man, is obviously a compensation”¦a compensation for the shame you undoubtedly feel at lacking the ability to grasp—to even begin to grasp—the profundity of my clinical wisdom and the intimidating gravity of my experience. This is all transparently obvious, young man. You are a fool.
I’ll tell you what, my friends. Let’s end this lecture, for the present, right here. It seems as good a moment as any. Besides the call of my bladder, I’m feeling some hunger pangs of surprising intensity and tenacity.
It is now 10:55; let’s reconvene no later than 11:05.
Remember, my books are displayed in the hall outside the room. My assistant Connie will be happy to assist your purchases.
Finally, it’s possible that, if we manage to cover the afternoon material efficiently enough and”¦.if you should happen to clear the table of my books for sale, I may consider ending the seminar a little early?
Enjoy your lunch.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
keeping_faith:
You now, if you took up my suggestion about slipping his photo into the display case at your gym, I would put, at the top of the posterboard:
“LOYAL, AMERICAN HERO WITH TINY TESTICLES” and then underneath it do the “MILITARY STATUS – 4F”.
WOW!!! Great “Play” and soooooo RIGHT ON!! Almost sounds like my P-sperm donor being interviewed for some of the national monthly magazines he was interviewed for! Or the transcripts of some of his lectures on his area of expertise. ROTFLMAO He never was able to keep his stories straight—even his age….sometimes he bragged about dropping out of school at age 12 (it was actually 11) and other times he bragged about the colleges he had gone to (none) and his military service records (not distinguished at all, made corporal finally, but got busted from that for bad behavior and I am not sure if he got an honorable discharge) LOL
Comparing the bushel baskets full of clippings I have about him from various magazines, newspapers, books about him, his autobiography (1200 pages, self published) and his vanity biiography (paid a guy to write it) and his internet diatribes on his expertise in almost every field of science, including aviation and medicine, it becomes laughable.
The only people who ever “idolized him” were his dupes, victims and those he paid to do so. After his major financial success, he had the money to buy a “better class of worshipers” by donating millions of dollars to a university for various projects—when I worked at the college, I saw just how the university president and others would absolutely TOADY to big donors and I can only imagine how that gave NS to my sperm donor to have the president of the university he donated millions of dollars to toady to him. LOL I also remember how the university people talked about these big donors who were narcissistic behind their backs, and how they groveled to their faces. I can only assume the conversations that must have gone on when they were talking about my P-sperm donor behind his back.
He never saw or believed anything except what they said to his face to get his millions of dollars though, that they “worshiped and respected him.” In fact, they were simply institutionalized whores who would “bend over” and “do whatever” for the “greater good” of their institution from the money they received for “servicing his needs.” So, I guess in the end, some good came out of it. Typical of him though to think that a “whore” actually “loved and respected” him! ROTFLMAO
At least now I can see this situation for what it was, without the emotional baggage from my relationship with him, and laugh at his own “being swindled” and his own accceptence of what he thought was “worship” when it was simply motivated greed. IN the end, he got what he wanted, “respect”—he thought—but just like him, it was all COUNTERFIT.
keeping_faith:
The emotions and pity and empathy that asswipe stirred up in me and the energy I expended trying to help him get his life back on track. I have earned every laugh I’ve had at his expense twenty-fold.
PLEASE…..I have been fantasizing about that since I read what you posted. I am NOT kidding. Is that justice or vengence? does it matter? LOL……
I was lying in bed last night thinking about your one comment about your X. the “diamond Lil” comment just sticks with me and I laugh out loud everytime I think of it. So I was telling my firend that I told you about (who also happens to be a gay man) and he was hysterical. I love your sense of humor Matt!
Oxy said:
“In fact, they were simply institutionalized whores who would “bend over” and “do whatever” for the “greater good” of their institution from the money they received for “servicing his needs.” So, I guess in the end, some good came out of it. Typical of him though to think that a “whore” actually “loved and respected” him! ROTFLMAO”
WOW….that statement can apply to anyone of us !!! It certainly applies to my situation. Oxy, didn’t we already establish that white trash comes form all socioeconomic and educational backgrounds?
Institutions, trailer parks???? no difference.
Matt & Elizabeth
“That 26 year marriage is the puzzle piece that just doesn’t quite fit.”
Well, I would have to justify a nearly 25 year marriage…or not I guess. First of all…kids to think about. And mine, I think, was BPD, so for a time I was “idealized”. Heck, I wasn’t perfect, so I might be “hard to live with”, too.
When the devalue phase started in earnest, I thought I could last another 8 or 10 years. What tripped the trigger was the realization that, whether it was sexually consummated or not, she was, at least “emotionally”, cheating. I caught her in a lie, and she was defiant, refusing to discuss it, saying she was “sorry she lied.” Actually, just sorry she got caught. I saw changes in routines, looked at other recent events, and knew she wasn’t sorry enough to stop meeting a married co-worker on the sly.
Based on recent experience, I knew that a year from then history would be rewritten, so I decided evidence would be good to have, so I followed them to a local park, where they went on the way home from work, and took photos of them together in his truck….they weren’t happy.
I was followed back home by both of them…and threatened.
Well, after I got rid of him, I was subjected to much wailing and gnashing of teeth…her…”What was I thinking?….How could I be so stupid?….I’ll never talk to him outside of work”..
I said, nope, this is it…I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow….she ended up beating me to the filing…saved me $150 filing fee…and legally, she “divorced” me.
Caught lying and denying. She knew that I “knew”. And she didn’t care. Betrayal, trust broken…and I found out the smear campaign had already begun some time ago…so, time to let it go. I was pretty well spent mentally and physically anyway…..
Well, twenty-five year marriage down the drain. 18 months of more “crazytime.” But I’ve got good kids. I’m finding myself again, liking myself better. The “truth” is finally being realized by a lot of people who believed the “smears”.
And life goes on…I’m OK, and getting better, and enjoy the peace…and my family…without her operating the roller coaster.
It could have been worse. I knew her 1-1/2 years before we married, married 2 weeks short of 25 years…it happens. Lovefraud helped me a lot to understand it. Thanks Donna and all!
Jim,
The XS used to always say to me “whenI catch you changing your routine I will know something is up.” Gee why is that?
I caught him over and over again and I think his x’s did not look deeply enough. So it can go on for sometime when you don’t really KNOW the truth. The idealization gets us all. It got me too.
Jim, I can’t recall, are your kids with you?
keeping_faith: Kids…well, all but the 13 year old are on their own and doing well. The parenting time agreement on her is very specific…but of course, the ex-tox ignores it.
My 13 year old daughter…we have joint legal/she has primary physical…I either see or talk to my daughter every day…except for Mom weekends…she “farms” my daughter out with my daughter’s friends’ families a lot then.
Oh, and 13 year olds know how to manipulate, too. But she sometimes does it out of frustration with her mother…I get the “I want to live with you” every few months…but she still is attached and has mixed anger/sympathy for her mother.
So we take it day by day…she’s a good daughter, has a good heart…she’ll make it.
A “years long marriage” doesn’t support any real indication of a “stable” or a “good” marriage, I know some marriages of 50+ years that were HORRIBLE. In fact my egg donor’s best friend was married to a horrible Narcissistic creep and emotional abuser (I’m not sure he would qualify as a P, but he was hard core) for 50 years and she finally left him for good. He hid assets, smeared her to the kids, etc etc.
His first name was Vernon, and his BIL used to call him VERMIN and it fit so welll! I know other couples that were separated or divorced at nearly the 50 year mark and it was a 50 years of hell relationship, not indicative of anything good in the personality disordered spouse. It only indicated that the women would put up with it “to keep the family together” which was expected in that generation of women in the middle class or lower classes.
The women spent tremendous amounts of energy trying to keep up the illusion that they were a “nice normal family” and hiding the TRUTH from everyone. My own family spent a huge amount of energy trying to hide the secrets of Uncle Monster, and doing a fair job of it until he moved back into our community here and was visibly drunken and abusive of his next to the last “live in GF” who when he would beat her up would go to my aunt’s house and “tell all” and stay a few days then go back. She finally broke away from that and got a place of her own. His last live in GF was a woman looking for a meal ticket and as soon as she spotted another one (85 tear old man who was recently widowed) she moved in on that, married him and got the estate from the heirs when he died a year later.
A “long, apparently stable” marriage may be only a charade.
Well obviously your good influence has made a difference. All teenagers know how to play the divorce game. So it’s not just yours believe me.
The worse thing that my x husband did (and he is not the S by the way) is that he bought a house around the corner, not for convenience with the kids but because his girlfriend was angry that she didn’t get MY house. So he bought one in my subdivision. THe kids spent less time with him because he was so close and never sleep over. The threat of my son moving back and forth everytime he got mad at one of us was always there and way too easy for him to do because of close proximity. I think it (the ease of jumping from house to house) hurt my son a little because he still does not seem grounded and struggles with the divorce three years later. We were married for 22 yrs.