LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trial

Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as “Jofary” relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court.

I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex’s contributions (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and financially to our brief marriage, I was able to disengage from him within a month of his departure. Unfortunately, he became aware that I was not going to be his “back-up” plan after he was done having his fun with this woman, and became extremely vindictive towards me. Perhaps it was my demeanour towards him — he was completely irrelevant to me and I treated him as such by refusing to answer his phone calls or greet him personally at the door during the exchange of our children. In any case, it propelled me on a path to utter chaos and unsettlement.

My ex refused to negotiate on the sale of our house, all the while refusing to share payments on the mortgage or massive family debt (while I was on maternity leave, no less), claiming “it benefited him to keep his name on the deed as long as possible” and eventually confessing that he “didn’t care how much it cost to go to court, he just wanted me out of the house.” He didn’t want much access with his children and sporadically paid child support. The house was my only source of income (rental) and stability for the children and I attempted to buy him out immediately, at the time he left, and when I could afford it. When it became apparent what he was demanding far outweighed what he was legally entitled to be paid by me, and he absolutely refused to negotiate, I reluctantly agreed to sell the house and decided to take the case to court to have it settled.

Moving away

Then, the realization that he was molesting our daughter, coupled with the fact that I no longer had secure housing in one of the most expensive places to live in North America, made me realize I had no choice but to relocate. I applied to a school 300 km outside the area and was immediately slammed with a do-not-remove order by him and a demand to have the children live with him full-time. I can only conclude that being court-ordered to pay child support was weighing heavily on his mind. He was, at heart, a parasite and given that nature, it probably seemed unnatural to be giving money when he felt he should be getting it! I was successful in fighting this because my situation was precarious at best and certainly not in the best interests of the children, and I went on to school in a diploma program that complements the degree I already have in the hope that I would be financially independent in the near future.

Going to court

Near the end of my diploma program, our court dispute over division of assets came due. On the advice of my lawyer, this was an oral process (as opposed to affidavit) so, since I was the plaintiff, I was the first to sit in the witness box and make my statements. It was painfully difficult for me but I did my best, and had prepared thoroughly beforehand. He followed, with his own statements and I was stunned, floored, by the entire debacle, realizing I had seriously underestimated his ability to deceive. I was expecting some lies, but not the outrageous dishonesty he displayed. He was a flamboyant liar — claiming he was responsible for twice as many family debts as I was, that I had refused to cooperate with medical, daycare, and extracurricular costs for the children even though the exact opposite had occurred (much to my frustration and financially difficulty) — complete with an air of sincerity, tears, and victim mentality. I, on the other hand, came across as frustrated, defensive and probably vindictive (the “scorned woman” syndrome) — as I well should have been considering how financially devastated I had become as a result of his parasitic behaviour since separation. I had no defence for his accusations because “my time” in the witness box was over and I realized I was doomed.

In the end, he “won” the case and the assets were split equally, despite the fact that he had not shared a dime in the mortgage costs, repairs to the house, or insurance costs, and had driven a vehicle I was paying for over the last three years, simply because the credit was in MY name, which he didn’t have to reimburse me for. All because the entire oral debate relied mainly on the spoken word, with no opportunity for dispute based on written proofs.

Credibility of witnesses

In retrospect, it would have been much wiser for me to have demanded the trial be done by affidavits, not orally. Then I could have presented the truths coherently and plainly, through the plethora of e-mails I received from him refusing to share costs and acknowledgment he was walking away with no debts. As it were, the judge made his judgment based on the credibility of the witnesses. It was stunning and difficult to accept that even though I told the truth, apparently my ex presented himself to be a much more credible witness than I.

The important lesson that I learned, and which I wish to share with other Lovefraud readers in a similar position is this: Do NOT expect the truth will come out in court during an oral trial. If your ex has been able to bamboozle you successfully enough to establish a relationship, and has a history of deception, then the chances are very good he or she will be able to appeal to judge in the same way. Practice makes perfect, as they say. Written affidavits are far better evidence when dealing with this type of individual, and the more evidence, the better.

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108 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trial"

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I need some words and your expertise by what you have gone thru…

Had a court date yesterday Filed by the S…however was done incorrectly and didnt notify myself or child support services…so, we couldnt go.

Said he would the meantime all of my communication pertaining to the court or our son or support has been thru email…No response.
He is angry that I am cutting him out and doing things on my terms hence the slander has begun

so..I went to Child support services myself as in the interim he had asked them for a review for modification anyway…but it was taking to long for him so thats why he file directly thru the court on his own.

The info he gave child support services is inaccurate so they have now gotten a court date for July..coming uo. I gave the office all of the info I had on him so it would be in the file…he lied and said he was terminated from his job and he wasnt..he voluntarily quit to move to another state (where I was) when I kicked him to the curb a few months later he went back yo yhr other state and apllied for unemplyment which he is getting and it hasnt been garnished. In the meantime he is living in his wife’s house ( I guess technically its his to) and living rent free as she stopped paying the mortgage in Feb (right when he conveniently decided to return here after being kicked out) she pays the utlities and food and what not…he is getting money from his mom to pay his insurance and car payment and in the meantime he gets 800.00 am month for unemployment. can you give me any advice on what to do or what more I can do as far as paper trails….I pulled bank statements from when he was here back in feb and thr money he got from his mom and paisd nithing. I had to pull my son from day care as when he volunatrily quit his wages were being garnished and it helped pay thedaycare…when he came here after a month I had to pull him out as I couldnt pay….he watched him here and there..I had to miss work and famiky members helped as well…so technically he wasnt in day care for 2 months so he wants credit for him not being in day care….even th he was living off of me….and credit fie time spent with him after abandoning him for 2 yrs and there was no court order in place anyway///even tho the house is in short sale he is choosing to not return back to this state ( where his wife and daughter will be moving back to. as well…seperately) until he is FORCED out of the house meanwhile laying around collecting unemployment while I bust my butt to work and pay for living expenses and care foer his son…he wants credit and to have it lowered…..any thoughts…please help

seems to be a common problem right now computers going down.
It sounds to me that you are feeling very low the past few post that you have made.
I have followed your story and found you to be an INCREADIBLY strong woman. I know it is hard to be strong when sometimes you just want to curl into the fetal position and cry like a baby. You have been through so much!
DON’T give up now….You are strong and you survived more than most could endure.

Try to focus on whatever gave you the strength to get through this to begin with. If that no longer works than think about your son and how he needs you. And most of all think about all of what the s/p/n in your life have taken from you and drained you of AND DO NOT LET them have the most important thing of all….. YOU, your strong will to come through this, your GOOD heart…..

Maybe you can ask Matt for help in this matter? He hasn’t been on often lately either but he has good legal advice.

Sorry for not being present the past week. I am going to court tomorrow for the Stalking/harassment order extension and preparing for that. Dealing with the Da’s office on other charges etc…. I also am dealing with the ‘fallout’ from divorce and trying to get back to ‘normal’….like jumping through hoops….but coming out ahead finally!
It goes without saying that he is laying around, playing the system. They do that! Don’t put your energies into thinking aobut what HE is doing…..put them into YOUR case.
Your doing the right thing. your documenting. Print all emails (in 3’s) to take to court. Everythign you take in must be in (3’s)…one for the court/him and extra in case. In addition to your files. If you have notorized statements from family showing ‘why’ it was necessary for them to watch the child, that’s good too.
I have to tell you that I didn’t go through much on the custody fight side. He does pay support, because he knows I wouldn’t hesitate to ‘find’ him and do what our state requires to ‘expose’ him….more hassles for him. He also pays because it’s his ‘ground’ to show he is a ‘good’ father… gives him the right to say he is supporting his children when he tells his ‘story’. He forgets the part about lying about not working and the amount ordered was based on his lies……but I let that out for him! 🙂
I think what you are doing is in the right direction. Consistencey is key in documentation. You can show harm with his lack of consistancy in seeing his child, broken promises etc…. I don’t know what state you are in, but do a search on internet and see what the range, based on income is for child support. He also should be required by law to pay 1/2 of all medical, insurance and educational expenses. Those are things, in my state, the courts don’t give a damn about if your working or not…..the point with child support is…..YOU CHOSE TO BRING A CHILD INTO WORLD…..YOU MUST SUPPORT THEM! Period. Now the variable (amount) is based on proven income.
Medical etc…is not based on income (at least not in my state).
Keep your mind on the BIG picture….don’t get lost on each ‘battle’.
Your doing the right thing. Keep researching ALL your options in your state.
Can you file, so your in control of the dates, procedure, paperwork and filings etc….? Since he screwed up the filings and he wants to pay less?
I would look into that.
You can do it…..your doing great!

no problem ERIN…and I wish you the best of luch..I truly have come to admire you…..I came home today from work not feeling well and slepy for 4 hrs as I am alrady exhausted..and I havent even begun!!
I have nt done anything with custody and I wait just a bit longer as the more this goes on it will be more in my favor as far as SUPERVISED VISITS…he is in AZ and will be in CA..where we are….his original amount at first was for 400 the first time he took me to court he was a jackasss and had it was raisewd to 800 (LOL) then I like an idiot believed him and reduced it to 645 (IDIOT) so its already been reduced and he wants to have it based on 800 am nith unemployment that he is collecting FRAUDULENTLY sanf choosing to remain sn AZ (as it is free room and board) waiting until he is forced to leave in foreclosure… my son is alreadt in a school..that he dopesnt like that much as he isnt payinh anything and I cant afford the one I would like him to go to…I cant afford Insurance for my son..and altho I was going to have him put on hi9s wifes insurance…(her and I had discussed thnis) but she is going refile her divorce with him within the next m oneth and move back to calif…so I dont believe it would help….he is now goinf to court..with a poor me..poor me…son story look judge Im loosing my house and lost me job…blah blah blah….but he is losing the house because he refused to work. so Im not sure what other documents to gather..he has his “MOM” on his side as both his wife and I know exactly what he is…and its unfortunate as we were very close and now i AM THE DEVIL since I believed now what his wife was trying to tell me…(thats beside the point) would the court rule on his sob storynow??? I also asked about filing charges for contempy in failure to pay however he has to mphysically be in CA.

ERIN….I wanted to see how things went in court??????

I have another court date now in July…I have taken all of your advice…today being Fathers day….I am not having my 3 yr old son acknowledge the day as he doesnt even know what it is and the S hasnt called him at all…is that wrong????

I have his mother now calling and leaving messages specifically for my son…not sure how to deal with that as she and I were close…and the s has ruined that, as well…all I want is for some peace and to protect my son from any more dameage from the s!!!

ERIN….just checkin on ya….wanted to see how things went???

got another court date with the S…no job…left voluntarily…and he is taking me back to court!!

End, I feel so close to you for some reason. Stay strong. Is there anyone / any agency that can help you in financial troubles?
eventually it will all help to win your son over.
At first, when I was in denial, I was angry that he was not a part of his son’s life. Now that I know, I want nothing more but to rid of him so that he’s never allowed to be a part of my family’s life. Perhaps, what your S did will be to your advantage in a long run.

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