Hello my friends”¦
It’s so nice to be here, to discuss the subjects of narcissism and sociopathy.
I’d like to begin by asking each of you, one at a time, to tell us a little about me and what you hope to give me in our short time together?
Uh huh”¦hmmm”¦very interesting”¦.
As we continue circling the room, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to hear a little less about you, and more about me?
Okay, now that we’re done with the introductions”¦.
Let me formally begin by stating something fairly obvious: Narcissists and sociopaths are people you’ll want to avoid. Does this make sense? Are we in unanimity about this?
By the way, I want you to feel free during this presentation, at any point, to stretch my legs and get me a cup of coffee, to ensure my good circulation and alertness? (Incidentally, I like my coffee light with six sugars.)
My friends (and no, I’m not John McCain), I wonder whether any of you, right now, can look yourselves in the mirror and honestly say that you are completely attuned to me and, more important, humbled by the vast expertise I bring to this subject matter?
But I digress”¦.we are here, after all, to discuss me, not narcissists and sociopaths. (Excuse, I meant that the other way around!)
The gentleman over there, yawning, who is texting as I speak? You must be a sociopath, sir; or, at a minimum, a deranged narcissist, to have the gall to enter my audience and so blatantly disrespect me!
I’d suggest, sir, that you think less about that text message and more about the insulting message you send me with your contemptuous behavior?
By the way, my friends, I point that man out over there not to single him out and shame him gratuitously, but rather to identify live, spontaneous examples of narcissism and sociopathy right before your eyes.
Remember, my friends, by some estimates upwards of 4% of the general population are sociopaths! I believe that estimate comes from Martha Stout who, for purposes of her book sales (The Sociopath Next Door) lobbied for 26% as the figure, but after a noisy fight deferred to her publisher’s attorneys.
By my math, this means that, conservatively, at least four of you in the audience are clinical sociopaths. Well, I believe I’ve exposed the first!
Sir, sit down”¦where are you going? You can’t leave!! Sit back down, sir!!
Excuse me? You’re outraged? Did you say you were “outraged?”
Did you hear that, folks?
Listen to me, you arrogant jerk! Sit back down!!
You’re lucky I didn’t call security on you already for disrupting my presentation with your text messaging!! Now you compound your rudeness by deigning to escape with the blithe impudence of a sociopath?
My friends”¦this is the narcissist’s (or in his case, more likely the sociopath’s) contempt on full, alarming display!
Let me tell you something, sir, if I wasn’t so consumed with who I am, I’d be more interested to know who you are, if only to use my clout to ensure that you are permanently banned from all continuing education seminars—not just mine—in perpetuity!
You scoff, sir?
There it is”¦right there, my friends. Again”¦notice the contempt! See it for yourselves.
Fine”¦let him leave. We’re better off without him.
Now where were we?
Oh yes”¦just a reminder”¦we will break for lunch at 12 and I’d like you back no later than by 12:10.
That should give you enough time to scarf something down, and prepare for the brilliant material to come this afternoon.
And by the way, in order to avoid the congestion of those of you trying to crash my dining-room table to lunch with me, I will draw, in advance of our lunch-break, five names from a hat to establish who my dining table-mates will be.
This will be a random drawing, and I must warn you that I am not open to bribes, although I will note that those of you who buy my books—especially many of them—in the next hour or so, in the hall right outside this conference room, can expect special consideration.
Excellent”¦excellent.
The narcissist and sociopath”¦
Who are these individuals, my friends?
The scary thing is that they are our friends, our family, our colleagues, our doctors, our lawyers, our stockbrokers, our mates, and most chilling, our mail-carriers.
What else do we know about them?
We know that individuals with these warped personalities tend to regard others as “objects.”
As a matter of fact, if you leave here with nothing else, with, let us say, just a single, critical concept, let it be this: I know what I’m talking about.
As I was saying, these deviant individuals treat others not like individuals, but like objects. Remember this, because the implication is paramount: when you view others as a something, instead of a someone, it becomes easier to treat that person as a thing, not a person.
Hey you! Over there! Yeah, you! What are you, deaf? Do me a favor and turn the thermostat down, over there by the door. Yeah, right over there, by the door. Knock it down at least several degrees. I’m hot. Extremely hot.
Jesus Christ, yeah, you! That’s right”¦get up”¦out of your seat”¦then walk over to the wall, and jack the thermostat down. Get it, Einstein?
We know, by the way, that the narcissist will have little genuine interest in your experience while being pretty much entirely consumed in his”¦and his comfort.
What, people? You’re cold? That’s ridiculous. How can you be cold? You must be hallucinating! Because it’s hot in here! Nobody in their right minds could be cold when it’s so obviously, intolerably hot and stuffy in here.
Excuse me?
I’m invalidating your experience?
Sweetheart, what hypersensitivity drugs are you on? I’m merely stating an undeniable fact.
What? Don’t call you sweetheart?
Jesus, is this a feminist convention, or a continuing education seminar?
By the way, nobody touch the thermostat now that that cretin over there finally figured out how to adjust it.
I’m just kidding, calling you a cretin. God, you’re a hypersensitive crowd.
But seriously, if anyone so much as dares mess with the thermostat, you’re asking to see a side of me I’d prefer not to reveal.
My friends, sociopaths are fascinating creatures.
My god, have you ever had someone lie to your face, someone who makes an art form of lying convincingly, regardless of his patent guilt, for whom the very act of lying audaciously is a form of entertainment, satisfaction?
What I’m saying, my friends, is that, for the sociopath, the payoff is often the getting away with something; it is often the thrill of the game; the thrill of perpetrating fraud against others!
Come again? My doctorate? Are you questioning my credentials?
Read my lips and look into my eyes, and tell me if I’m lying: My doctorate is legitimate.
How dare you insinuate otherwise!
As the blurb on the seminar brochure says, I graduated at the top of my class from the College of America in 1985, with a Ph.D., MD., and JD. That makes me a psychologist, medical doctor, and lawyer—in other words, someone you don’t wanna mess with.
Now let me go a step further, as I look every single one of you in the eye from my podium: Not only are my doctorates legitimate, but so is everything in my biography.
That’s right, I dare any one of you to disprove a single assertion in my biography, including my claims to have studied closely with Carl Rogers, Gordon Allport, and Louis Pasteur.
Sure, I’m smiling. I’m smiling from the enviable position of a man who knows that he’s betrayed (excuse me, I meant conveyed) his integrity.
That was a Fraudian slip, people. Excuse me, I meant Freudian”¦that was a wholly innocent mistake. Don’t even go there.
Grandiosity”¦grandiosity. Let me look at my notes on grandiosity.
The narcissist and sociopath often have serious grandiosity issues”¦.hmmm.
Speaking of grandiosity, I routinely like to humble the clinicians I supervise by sharing the story of how Rogers—that’s right, Carl Rogers—once told me, “Len, you’re my favorite. You’re my favorite student. My most brilliant student. You will carry my work forward.”
Yes, this story tends to curb my students’ grandiosity.
You’re all shaking your heads”¦in appropriate awe, no doubt?
My friends, for the narcissist, even more than the sociopath, his grandiosity is a defense. The narcissist requires, like an addict, the experience and perception of himself as special, as above others.
Unless the narcissist is catered to, and treated as a sort of celebrity, he feels depressed, worthless, which typically takes the form of his anger and rage.
You two!! Knock it off!! How dare you whisper to each other while I’m speaking!!
Do I need to remind you people that I don’t have to be here. Don’t you get that? I don’t have to be here, people. You do; I don’t.
Last warning; this is my last warning. You people really are testing my patience.
Where was I, before your latest rude disturbance?
Anyway, I’ll tell you an interesting, and perhaps even edifying, story.
Once upon a time there was a married couple. And the wife periodically confronted the husband, “You know what? You’re a goddamned psychopath. That’s what you are. You put on a good front for the public. But make no mistake, you’re a masquerader. I know your deal. You’re a psychopath. And I’m gonna let people know. I’m no longer going to suffer your abuse in silence.”
And the husband laughed with great contempt, because he had great contempt for his wife. And he appreciated neither her scathing tone, boldness, nor, of course, her threat.
And the very next day the wife went missing. And was never to be found.
And the husband told each of his subsequent wives, of whom there were successively three, that they could never measure up to the first, his missing wife.
He’d probably never get over her loss, he’d tell them, with watering eyes.
His undiminished love for her, his first wife, probably was, he’d admit tearfully, holding him back. But he couldn’t help that, of course. His missing wife, after all, was the love of his life, and so maybe he was, he’d suggest, simply too scarred to ever get over it.
And his seeming vulnerability and seeming raw, emotional honesty made it much harder for his later wives to hold him accountable.
Why do I tell you this story, my friends?
Is it my story?
Not really. I know where my wife went”¦I’m convinced she returned to her family somewhere in eastern Mississippi where, I believe, she assumed a new identity and hence as if just dropped off the face of the earth.
Oh no, my wife is alive and well somewhere”¦she just doesn’t want anyone from her past to know about it.
I know exactly what you’re thinking, my friends: She, not I, is the psychopath?
You are a good crowd, very shrewd”¦yes you are.
And her successful disappearance proves just that, does it not? That she, not I, is the psychopath!
After all, only a psychopath, my friends, can just up one day, abandon her family, disappear permanently, and unconscionably leave a cloud of suspicion hanging over her betrayed husband!
Forgive me my tears”¦.I’m a very emotional man who, as you can see, has very deep feelings about this, still.
God, I miss her”¦that woman.
And every day I tell my kids, who are still young, “Don’t worry”¦she won’t be coming home”¦” Excuse me, that was another Fraudian slip”¦I meant to say I tell them, “Don’t worry, children”¦someday, when mama’s ready, she’ll reach out”¦and announce herself again”¦meanwhile, you must ignore those scurrilous, persistent rumors that have hounded me all your lives, rumors of my”¦uh”¦”˜involvement’ in your mother’s disappearance?”
I don’t mean to spin off on this, my friends, but you understand, don’t you, that that student intern with whom I took up just prior to my wife’s disappearance”¦you do realize that the timing of that was, of course, entirely coincidental?
It’s a funny thing, my friends, how in this cynical age we live in, nobody believes in coincidence anymore. How sad”¦how jaded”¦how tragic.
Where was I?
Sociopaths”¦yes, sociopaths are eternally intriguing personalities, my friends.
My friends, we are nearing time for a bathroom break. That is because, naturally, I have to go to the bathroom.
Before we break, and please be ready to resume promptly in no later than 40 seconds, I want to say something about the legendary psychopathy clinician Hervey Cleckley. Cleckley, you know, wrote the classic on psychopaths called “The Mask Of Sanity.”
If you haven’t yet read it, although it now costs about $850 for a used copy, you’re an idiot.
Anyway, I should tell you I was supervised by Dr. Cleckley himself as part of my externship right out of the University of Alabama. I sought Dr. Cleckley out myself, on my own initiative, and let me just say that after we spoke privately in his home office for exactly half an hour, he said, and I quote, “Young man, you are clearly a gifted young clinician. I was unprepared to take on another disciple, but I must say, now that I’ve met you, I wouldn’t think of missing the opportunity. By the way, have you read all six editions of my book?”
I answered, “No, Dr. Cleckley, just the five,” impressing him that I wouldn’t fall for his trick question (the sixth edition wouldn’t appear for some years later, until after his death).
As an aside, you might be interested to know that Dr. Cleckley referenced me frequently in his lectures to other psychiatrists and psychologists, referring to me as “my protégé Len.”
Who’s laughing?
You! Over there! Stand up!
My friends, here you have Exhibit A, standing naked before you, of insecurity, compensation, and envy!!
Your laughter, young man, is obviously a compensation”¦a compensation for the shame you undoubtedly feel at lacking the ability to grasp—to even begin to grasp—the profundity of my clinical wisdom and the intimidating gravity of my experience. This is all transparently obvious, young man. You are a fool.
I’ll tell you what, my friends. Let’s end this lecture, for the present, right here. It seems as good a moment as any. Besides the call of my bladder, I’m feeling some hunger pangs of surprising intensity and tenacity.
It is now 10:55; let’s reconvene no later than 11:05.
Remember, my books are displayed in the hall outside the room. My assistant Connie will be happy to assist your purchases.
Finally, it’s possible that, if we manage to cover the afternoon material efficiently enough and”¦.if you should happen to clear the table of my books for sale, I may consider ending the seminar a little early?
Enjoy your lunch.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Melanie,
You dont seem to pose any questions except if any of us have ever experienced someone like your “partner”or know of any Sociopaths who behave the way your “partner” does.
From reading your post, you seem to still be “involved” with this ill person, and you seem to be confused as to why he is not having sex with you, but with bascially anything and everything around him.
You said “ok i need help because im dealing with a sociopath who refuses any form of sex/intimacy sleeping together any element of a relationship is gone”.and in order to get those things I have to comply with the sociopaths requests and still don’t get them”he lives with me and it’s literally no contact…
You didnt say “I need help because theres a Sociopath in my life” you said “I need help because the Sociopath in my life wont have sex with me”.
Melanie, since you know what a Sociopath is, and you know that they cant love, or be caring, or show emotion or compassion, you must start to realize that WHILE THE REASONS HE IS NOT INTIMATE WITH YOU HAS NOTHING…NOTHING…NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU – HE IS NOT WELL, HE IS NOT HEALTHY….BUT THE REASON HE IS CONTINUING TO DO THIS TO YOU – IS BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING HIM.
Please think about what you really want for yourself, in your life. What you deserve and the way you would like to and deserve to be treated. Then think about the person you are with, what his choices are where you are concerned (and by the way, they will be his choices with any person in your place – he will do the SAME thing with and to someone else).. but for now… youre staying, youre there, youre convenient for him… I encourage you to think about what you want in your life.
Nobody deserves what you are being subjected to. There is opportunity for a better life and relationship for you, if you want it. In the meantime please protect yourself. Please know you dont have to chase after the affection and attention of a really sick person who CHOOSES not to care about you or love you – because he will NEVER BE ABLE TO.
My prayers are with you, that you begin to sort out whats important to you, Melanie, your life, your happiness and your love for yourself. Please protect yourself… youre the only one who can. God Bless
hey guys, trying to keep up with the different forums. When i first met my s i rem calling his ex who was 20 years younger and her telling me that i might as well wear a chastity belt and that went right over my head, i was trying at that time to fig out if i was crazy or if it was him. Fast forward 6 years and 5 years of pretend sex, no penetration and im such a loyal fool that i accepted things for what they were. He on the other hand has picked up bottom of the barrel women and im left thinking what is wrong with me. When my ex husband left i remember him saying you are beautiful, sexy, guys will knock the door down , be choosy. And this is what i went and found and still tonight im left hurt over how cheap he was with me and being dumped for every trashy woman he can get his mitts on. I don’t want to sound like a braggart but im a very attractive woman , but this experience with this type has left me feeling …………sorry im trying to find the right words guys…………in adequate is all i can come up with . If you saw me and then you put him next to me you wouldn’t beleive it. Hes pasty white , scrawny , tatooed (ball point pen old swasticas) and grey hair, it doesn’t even make sense but they can do such a number on your self esteem i don’t think Brad Pitt could make me beleive i m attractive. He is the only man who has ever tried to make me feel unatttractive and not measure up. The animal thing is sickening but nothing is unfathonable when it comes to them. love kindheart
DEar Melanie,
Yes, I have heard of psychopaths/sociopaths doing this. THEY ENJOY torturing and humiliating you…every time you beg and he refuses or humiliates you HE “GETS OFF” by seeing you degraded.
Staying with this person will be a continual trail of tears and degredation. You cannot “make” him do anything, he is ALREADY getting what he wants, and that is your pain and humiliation. The only way ONLY WAY you can stop this treadmill of pain is to GET AWAY FROM HIM AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Then you have CONTROL over yourself. You can stop him doing this to you. By staying, you are ALLOWING him HIS PLEASURE, which is to debase you.
I am glad you came here to lovefraud. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you can learn here and take back your power, the power for him to hurt and humiliate you. (((hugs))))
melanie: Re: a sociopath/sex predator addict,
he lives with me
Melanie, First, get yourself out of the house safely, away from this thing that lives with you. Pack an emergency bag with things you will need, take the cats and any other animals with you, stay with friends, family, or a shelter. Let them know what is going on!
Once you are out and safely away from him, get a restraining order on him to keep him away from you, and have him removed from your home with the local police there for your protection.
Get this creature out of your home and out of your life. There is no need to say anything to him before you leave or ever again!!! Leave and get a restraining order.
This creature is so very sick and is very twisted and dangerous!
There is alot of support here to help you get through this.
Praying for you, leave this situation, for you!!!!
Melanie: Just a deep concern for you,
Is this one a possible registered sex offender???
melanie, i hope you get get yourself out of that situation and it’s a wakeup call for me as i know it is hard to accept what is right before your eyes as it goes against anyones beleif of normal decency. There is not limit to how twisted these types are and it is so very disturbing and hard to comprehend. Denial is the only option when you don’t want to see the reality and honey trust me i know as i’ve been in denial myself. I can tell you to leave but you have to see for yourself but you can’t while you are still in it so all the advise to get out is warranted . You need to be out of the situation to see it for what it is and then our minds still don’t want to admit it so it’s a battle but you can do it. Im not far ahead of you and i want you to tag along with me as i know all about the degradation. Come along with the rest of us and we will help you all along the way. If you are like me , you confuse pity and love and Lord knows they are pitiful but that isn’t going to help us. my s hates animals but i wouldn’t put anything past him as i’ve seen how he finds things fascinating that decent people would find appalling. But when you are with them you fall back into the magical thinking and you can’t see the forest for the trees. I never lived with mine and know that is the only reason i have my sanity intact(debatable at times) but i’ve done the dance so many times that i know if i don’t stay the hell away from him i will be in denial again and i want to live in reality. I’ve wasted 6 years of my life denying what he is and what i want and who i am and life is too precious. I hope you can muster up the courage and just do it. Easy i know to say get out and don’t look back , wishful thinking but you can do it in baby steps. First you have to remove yourself from the situation. Get people involved so you have lots of support and please keep posting as i’ve said im just a baby step ahead of you and i already am feeling better. love kindheart
Steve, I enjoyed reading your article. I have been researching information regarding sociopaths and narcissists since I exited a relationship that was with a probable n/s to help me through the trauma. In your article you mentioned ‘regardless of his patent guilt’. I was of the belief that sociopaths do not feel guilt, could this please be clarified as it is important for me to know what I was dealing with. Perhaps I have misinterpreted what you intended????
April, sorry for the confusion. Feeling genuine, mature guilt for their interpersonal transgressions isn’t the sociopath’s style, to say the least. Lack of guilt over their exploitive behaviors, on the other hand, is highly characteristic of the sociopath.
I hope this clarifies? If not, I’ll try again! Thanks!
Steve
Steve, I hope you’re planning to do this on our “open mike” stage at Oxy’s Towanda Cafe at the first annual convention. This is better than “Waiting for Godot.”
I can see you laughing your head off while you were writing it. It made me want to be a narcissist, because I’ve always wanted to be that funny.
Kathleen, thanks for the incredibly kind feedback. I’m not sure what convention you’re referring to, but i can assure you i’d have to get pretty drunk to pull that off. i’m really flattered you enjoyed it…
and, trust me when i say this, your own posts are tremendous….one after another!
Steve