Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you’re supposed to do, and you’ll stay out of trouble.
It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her.
She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect?
Fast forward 20 years. I’m a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I’d never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept into my life.
James Montgomery certainly didn’t look like trouble. He didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He often wore a sport coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. He hung around with local business leaders. But in two and a half years, this man destroyed my life as I knew it.
Montgomery spent all my money, distracted me from my business, and left me in serious debt. I was no longer independent and self-sufficient. I was shaken to my core. Obviously, my simplistic philosophy had failed me.
Now, 10 years after I left Montgomery, I am more judgmental—and less judgmental.
I am more judgmental because I know, through hard experience, that trouble in life is not always easy to identify. Trouble can come in seemingly harmless, even promising, packages. I have learned that I cannot necessarily take people at face value; I must exercise discernment before believing or trusting anyone.
And I am less judgmental because I realize that people can get into trouble, even though they didn’t mean to. You never really know the circumstances that lead to the decisions people make. Maybe, given the same situation, my choices wouldn’t be any better.
It seems that, after the sociopath shattered my black-and-white view of the world, I’ve acquired some wisdom. For that, I am grateful.
Kathleen Hawk says:
I don’t NEED anyone to get into my life that deeply.
I like That!
Not right now Kat. Nice to be free to be where and when we want to be. We don’t need an S we need peace and alone for a bit is what the doctor orders.
Greenfern, I think we can all relate to the brainwashing, as we all experienced it in varying degrees or we would never have stayed with such bad people. After I got rid of my x n/P , I paniced when I left things out on kitchen counters, whenever I had a messy,unorganized refrigerator and franticly tried to keep pantry, etc. in order. I realized only then, what a job the N/P had done on me! It was almost fear when I saw myself doing things he adamently “disapproved” of OR made fun of me in cruel ways to his family for. It took a few months to get rid of the thought ‘ he would be so mad about if he saw…. I never thought of myself as a person to let someone contol me this way.
Now I am have no tolerance for people trying to control, make me feel guilty for not living up to “their” expectations of me-which is always about their selfish needs, not mine. I prefer to give up these so called friends to not to have the pressure cooker life with them.
I am afraid if I allow any tolerance of manipulation, I could be victim again, I dont completely trust my judgement to the degree of dangling a S in front of me. I cant imagine being sexual with another man at this point in my life. For me, intimacy means tolerating more than I should in order to save a “relationship” that may should have never been in the first place.
Now I would want LOADS of time to evaluate IF this person is worthy of any connection with me . Trauma bonds are real and too hard to break free of.
The beautiful people in my life have shown me that real respect and kindness are the only healthy ways to live.
My one friend has such a sweet spirit to be around. She exemplifies “allowing others to be who they are”. As with the P’s in my life- I was used to them getting angry, causing me all sorts of grief if something simple such as a small change in plans occurred. I would feel beat up and dreaded making plans b/c if legitamate reasons to change plans such as work or sick children came up, these people made you want to shoot yourself for “inconviencing them” or Making plans and not keeping it, BUT no issue if they changed anything at a whim.
Greenfern, your feelings weren’t weird. We are just de-toxing from a toxic dark entity in our lives. I can soooo identify with you. As far as what you said about changing into unbecoming characteristics like his, I always say garbage IN, garbage Out- if you surround yourself with trash and destruction, and put unhealthy things in your life, Unhealthy and destruction comes out. Now we can be what God intended us to be, without the demononic influence!
I’ve grown to accept, even like, the obvious screwballs, cranky farts, nervous wrecks, dweeby geeks, “the quiet ones”, abrasive taskmasters… “odd” people I come across, more than I did before I became S-perienced. I accept them because I find they’re usually real, with real feelings, honesty and predictable habits.
It’s never been the odd ones or the “quiet ones” who’ve caused me major pain, but the perfect ones, the oily ones, the ones who adapted quickly to my quirks, laughed at my stupid jokes, were overly friendly, stared at me at first meeting then looked away when they sensed I was noticing…
I’ve become much more aware of how each personality reacts to others, and then me, under particular circumstances. If anything is ’out of tolerance’, if something doesn’t jive, if they do something questionable more than once, I take note. And then I begin to plan NC escapes or strategies for battle, which is implemented the third time they do the questionable thing.
Has anyone here ever felt they’re not sure ‘which’ person they are judging in dealing with a person. I still am in denial probably about calling the man I’ve been with an ‘S’. But he’s why I’m even here because I just could not figure out how he could be so extreme in his behavior, as though he could even be a true split personality(and why would you judge someone like that too harshly…) It’s why I’ve felt a bit crazy myself and I know having the experience of that Jekyll and Hyde behavior comes back to me from my days with a man who was an alcoholic as well as probably bi-polar. All I know is how tired I am at trying to be non-judgmental, more Buddhist in my approach to accept him as he is – I have to essentially let him go as he impacts my life so negatively…when he came back into my life 3 months ago, my daughter (when asked by him in my presence) said he could come to her wedding – then within the week, she took me aside and said she was sorry – that though she could accept it if I went back into a relationship with him, he was not invited to the wedding. She didn’t want to take the chance of him being a no-show, that it would only be a source of pain for me if he did that and I agreed with her – and that though he’s been better and says he’s changed – he’s really earned that status of being incredibly unreliable. Sometimes I’ve laughed it off as him just ‘going awol’ on me but it’s never been fun and having her say this to me (and I haven’t told him yet) just underlines how badly I’ve let him treat me – even my grown son would only give him one chance and now says he doesn’t want to be in the same room with him.
Both my kids love and admire me for my other qualities as a person and their mother – and I’m so glad for them that they have both grown up to be such wonderful, sensitive people
with good relationships themselves. I do want that for myself – I wish it for this other person and at times, still think it could be between us. But today he is AWOL again and it’s just
so disrespectful – bottom line – and excuse me if I just put this in writing – it just makes it more concrete to say it to all of you, more than just journalling – which I got tired of reading
the same old sh– from myself. I called the phone company the other day to see what my options were for getting new number – how about a new life…one I can be proud of in every
facet.
Dear Persephone,
You must be a great person, you raised great kids. If you’re ready to start over, I’m sure they’ll let you lean on them a bit. Go ahead and tell the confused fellow with the confusing personality who’s been hurting you that it’s over. Then go NC.
There are some smart ladies here who can tell you how it’s done.
this is so crazy. you are all telling my story.
my son is 27 and thank god i raised him to have self esteem and he is wonderful and has none of my issues, thank god!!! i had him at 17 and raised him alone so i am proud of that. he and i were so close.
he gave my ex another chance too but hated him very quickly and i kept taking him back so my son lost a lot of respect for me.
my ex is an alcoholic too and he used to go AWOL all the time. it devastated me.
that was nothing compared to how it eventually got. the silent treatment was a piece of cake compared to his punishments and other women etc…
at that point i was begging for the silent treatment or to just kill me and get it over with.
please be careful and i pray you don’t have to endure what i did.
Judging –
Today I listened to a young Jehovah’s Witness trying to “get her foot in the door” talking about how “We’re not supposed to judge people.”
It’s a good line. Every time I hear it, I know someone’s trying to sell me on something that’s fundamentally flawed. It’s just a matter of time before they’ll reach into my wallet, attempt to dominate my every waking hour or abandon rational thought for goofy rhetoric.
I may not be entirely comfortable judging yet, but listening to that sweet, naive girl trying to get her foot in the door with her Watchtower tracts makes it easier. She’s not evil, but her organization is.
Elizabeth and awakening: Thanks for both your responses – Elizabeth, you stated it so simply and well. One of Katherine Hawk’s posts about ‘loving from a distance’ is the answer – it does me no good to be confused myself and in truth, at this point I cannot say I’m naive or have not had enough red flags to carpet every house I’ve ever lived in…
Awakening, my son is 27 too and I think he’s always wanted to support me in his own way if I make the commitment to get healthy – so I’ll be careful because this time around
I almost feel excited and enthusiastic to get on with life without any one’s energy dragging me down.
And the Jehovah’s Witnesses – I remember how I used to talk to a few of them, just because I’ve always been curious about people’s different outlooks and what makes them tick. I don’t think it’s a bad trait – to be curious – but it can also put you in situations for being taken advantage of, even when you think you have your wits about you!
I also think I’ve been attracted to selfish and occasionally unreliable men – who have anger issues – as I’ve squashed even healthy levels of those traits in myself and in a way,
I’ve wanted to know what that feels like – to not be ‘perfect’, to be more authentic with wanting what I want, doing what I feel like – and expressing anger when it comes up
and not always tamping it down – I remember a drama teacher in high school even telling my mother I needed to let go and ‘throw a tantrum’ sometime, that I could be a
good actress…and my mother getting this shocked look and saying – my daughter would NEVER throw a tantrum!
Well, guess what…
Awakening: ‘It devastated me.’ That just says it all. I’m sorry you did have to endure that pain you described. I remember days of feeling that way with my second husband – It felt like I was being
terrorized. Maybe I just got emotionally tired of being self-sufficient when I let this new person into my life – I’d kind of prided myself on ‘never again’ – it does haunt you and you really need to
not get lazy about your resolve to stay true and strong within yourself.
I really need to hear what you and Elizabeth said, thank you again.
Devastated or nuked, wiped out, blown away, flattened, broken. I thought that was gonna be IT, until I came here.
Instead, nowadays doors are opening inside. I realized I’d been too needy and vulnerable : that was the main thing that set me up for the n/p. So I decided to become my own best friend: carefully, lovingly, with much nurturing, plus a good swift kick in the butt when needed. I stopped having secret “romantic” thoughts about my close male friend, and just let him be. I accept him “as is,” which is the only way to be a real friend anyway. I realize that in each romantic relationship, I’d always selected someone a bit weaker than me, so they’d rely on me (cause who could love me if they didn’t need me?) and of course eventually, they’d tire me out, and I’d look down on them for not showing more “backbone” and carrying their weight in the relationship.
I realize now that those choices were made from poor self-confidence. I’m more confident now, and more relaxed inside myself. I laugh a lot. And I hang with much less dramatic people, too. Very nice, kind, funny people — but ones that face the drama life sends, and aren’t into creating additional unnecessary drama. Not everything I learned about my new best friend (me) was flattering or nice. But if you don’t learn, you can’t grow.
I’m kinder to myself, and instead of being as self-absorbed and braced for the worst possible outcome, I’m self-observant. I tell myself the truth with a great deal of compassion. I’ve become gentle, that is, my strength is controlled and focused. Somehow this spills over into my dealings with other people. I’m a much better listener now, and I enjoy it, those glimpses into other lives that I’m not trying to change or fix.
I love me enough now to look at all my shadows and light spots, and to change what I need to change. I’m discovering so much about what I actually like doing, now that I’m not always trying to please others. These days, I can now say, “No, thank you,” “Hell, no!” and yesterday when they rang the bell in the middle of a big family dinner, apropos of nothing, I told the third group of Jehovah’s Witnesses to called that afternoon, “No, sorry: I’m a Druid.” Felt good.