Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you’re supposed to do, and you’ll stay out of trouble.
It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her.
She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect?
Fast forward 20 years. I’m a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I’d never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept into my life.
James Montgomery certainly didn’t look like trouble. He didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He often wore a sport coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. He hung around with local business leaders. But in two and a half years, this man destroyed my life as I knew it.
Montgomery spent all my money, distracted me from my business, and left me in serious debt. I was no longer independent and self-sufficient. I was shaken to my core. Obviously, my simplistic philosophy had failed me.
Now, 10 years after I left Montgomery, I am more judgmental—and less judgmental.
I am more judgmental because I know, through hard experience, that trouble in life is not always easy to identify. Trouble can come in seemingly harmless, even promising, packages. I have learned that I cannot necessarily take people at face value; I must exercise discernment before believing or trusting anyone.
And I am less judgmental because I realize that people can get into trouble, even though they didn’t mean to. You never really know the circumstances that lead to the decisions people make. Maybe, given the same situation, my choices wouldn’t be any better.
It seems that, after the sociopath shattered my black-and-white view of the world, I’ve acquired some wisdom. For that, I am grateful.
Persephone,
Jehovah’s Witnesses –
“We’re not supposed to judge people.” is a thought terminating cliché used to quell cognitive dissonance and protect fallacious arguments from close examination.
Like I said, the sweet young thing wasn’t evil, she was just well indoctrinated. She didn’t have to understand the ploys of her cult in order to use them. T
The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a “successful” cult. The naiveté of their rank and file is part of their success. They’re dead set against their rank and file acquiring education sufficient to analyze what they’re doing or what’s happened to their lives since joining.
I’ve seen to much to find the Jehovah’s Witnesses interesting. They steal lives, one minute, one thought and one feeling at a time. The fact that it’s rarely the perpetrator class of Jehovah’s Witness on your doorstep, and almost always their victims, doesn’t mitigate the danger.
Their cult is a disease that strikes people when they’re made vulnerable by loneliness, ignorance or some harsh reality brought by random fate. The vulnerable drag their children and spouses into the cult with them. Once infected, few recover. Those who recover struggle for decades to become whole.
Dear Betty,
I love your “Druid” comment. A friend of mine had them come every saturday morning and she was a night worker, so slept and they would always wake her up.
One Saturday morning she was, however, cleaning a deer before she went to sleep, and when they pounded on the door, she went around the house with a bloody apron and a knife and said sweetly, “I don’t have time right now, I am in the MIDDLE OF A SACRIFICE!” ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
They never came back!
Ox Drover,
That sounds like a great idea. We Conley’s are polite to a fault, and scrupulously honest. It bites us in the backside a lot.
We’ve been trying to get rid of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for years, but “Please don’t visit this household again.” results in their visiting every other Saturday AM.
We’re going to try “Please put us on your ‘do not call’ list.” If that doesn’t work, we may have to try something unorthodox. I like the live sacrifice idea.
Last week the kids tried smearing mud on our big dumb golden retriever and letting her loose, ’cause she has a gruff bark and tends to love people to death. Unfortunately, “Punkin, Punkin, don’t kill them Punkin!” wasn’t a very good line. I told the kids they should pretend her name was Fang, Chainsaw or Killer, but in the heat of the moment they forgot.
There are some Black Jehovah’s Witnesses in this area, 3 men. They came to my house once years ago when i had a German Shepherd which was very protective (but also obedient) I didn’t know these men, and they were in a van and slid the door open and Sam was in a mid air leap into their vehicle from my front porch (a good ways) when I yelled “Sam, Down!” Sam immediately hit the dirt (how I am not sure!) and lay there with a threatening growl. The first man asked “will he bite?” I said “what do you think?” and they drove off.
Years later I actually met these very nice men who had become acquainted with my husband and I got to tell them the “sacrifice” story, which they also thought was very very funny.
I admire the missionary spirit of these believers in their way, who actually practice their beliefs, but at the same time, they can have difficulty taking “No” for an answer.
Yea, I agree that “Punkin, Punkin, don’t kill them” is not a good line! LOL ROTFLMAO
Ox Drover,
“I admire the missionary spirit of these believers …” On a basic level, I like them too. I just don’t want their disease near my family.
Like victims of the S/P/N, victims of cults are usually exceptionally good people. For the most part, if these people were still using their energies to focus on their families, their communities and their careers, they would be leading amazingly productive, richly rewarding lives.
I am learning that being judgemental—or for a more positive word—being more selective about the people I associate with as well as listening to my gut feelings is helping me set boundaries to protect myself.
Dear Pesel,
I REALLY like that post of yours! It, in the most simply, easy way reminds me what its all about with toxic people or selfish people in general. When our gut speaks to us we need to listen to it first and foremost and STICK TO IT….and not let another try to manipulate us and twist our gut around and upside down! Nice choice of words above! Thanks for the reminder!
I recently read in a book about narcissism that we “need to be judgemental about what is good for us”.
I sincerely believe this now and recognize that judgement is not all guilt-inducing, or it shouldn’t be. We assess the situation, make conclusions and act accordingly. So we should be judgemental for our own good!
Kathleen:
I just realized I wrote your name in an earlier post as Katherine – sorry for the error!
Feel better today – still getting the ‘silent treatment’ which I could have predicted but yesterday just called up a friend and went and did a sport and got out in the sun – today I may call my son and go over and join the gym here – takes some discipline but it might be right time to get going with some different energy and literally stretch myself.
Hi to everyone – it’s nice to just know sometimes you’re here and we can all just be ourselves with one another – we GET IT without even an arched eyebrow and it feels safe.
Thanks to Donna for directing the pain she’s endured into something so positive for herself and others.
Here in lies another misconception about an important concept in the Christian Faith!
Judge not so you will not be Judged!
What about Judging the Tree by it’s Fruit?
We have to judge people by their actions/behavior and not just by the words they say! If you tell me you are a Christian , Great! I will believe you when I see you act like I think a Christian should act, not just because you say so!
Actions speak louder than words!
I can forgive my P! I cannot forget the lessons learnd! I cannot Forget the injustess and the torture!