Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you’re supposed to do, and you’ll stay out of trouble.
It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her.
She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect?
Fast forward 20 years. I’m a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I’d never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept into my life.
James Montgomery certainly didn’t look like trouble. He didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He often wore a sport coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. He hung around with local business leaders. But in two and a half years, this man destroyed my life as I knew it.
Montgomery spent all my money, distracted me from my business, and left me in serious debt. I was no longer independent and self-sufficient. I was shaken to my core. Obviously, my simplistic philosophy had failed me.
Now, 10 years after I left Montgomery, I am more judgmental—and less judgmental.
I am more judgmental because I know, through hard experience, that trouble in life is not always easy to identify. Trouble can come in seemingly harmless, even promising, packages. I have learned that I cannot necessarily take people at face value; I must exercise discernment before believing or trusting anyone.
And I am less judgmental because I realize that people can get into trouble, even though they didn’t mean to. You never really know the circumstances that lead to the decisions people make. Maybe, given the same situation, my choices wouldn’t be any better.
It seems that, after the sociopath shattered my black-and-white view of the world, I’ve acquired some wisdom. For that, I am grateful.
Oxy:
“…but at the same time, they can have difficulty taking “NO for an answer.”
And anyone who cannot take “NO” for an answer is trying to control you.
I totally agree, IT…(you’re not an it by the way but a living, breathing valuable human person. Please remember that, ok?)
I’m a spiritual Christian. I read the Gospel, being truly receptive and open with the Holy Spirit striving to understand and then implement such wisdom into my daily life.
But the Bible is literally filled with verses denouncing any and all actions, personalities, negative character traits that are realistically defined as evil.
I focus on these verses sometimes to remind myself that, yes, these actions are determined to be evil as written in the Holy Bible. That, yes, I should emphatically learn them so as to protect myself from exploitive, vile people.
Jesus hates evil. So do I. With a scarlet passion the power of our blazing sun.
Evil people have loathing and contempt for good folks, so I consider it normal, beneficial, righteous for me to have loathing and contempt for them. It doesn’t harm me in any way to to feel the way I do.
In fact, it is galvanizing for me to constantly remind myself that there is a plague, an epidemic of evil people walking amongst us and I should most certainly be a discerning, judging woman.
Since educating myself on the prevalence of pathological personality disorders, I no longer SEE people the way I once did. I’m not paranoid, of course, but I no longer believe in the foolish notion that all people are inherently good.
If I would have been diligently reading my Bible over the years, especially the verses giving detailed accounts of evil actions and behaviors, I probably would have been viewing people the way I do now.
I’m no longer a sucker easily swayed by pity stories created to elicit sympathy from me. I’m no longer seduced by a carefully crafted illusion of benevolency, of generosity, of kindness, of spiritual enlightenment.
Let’s just say…..I no longer pay strict attention to flowery words but carefully, closely observe body language, most of this intuitively, and I watch for consistency in actions and behavior.
Screw words. Words are words are words. Especially words from strangers. In one ear and out the other if I could care a less about cultivating an interest with said person. (Not on LF, of course. I read and care on here. Speaking about shallow, social interractions in meat space)
Being a discerning, judging person is imperative to our survival. To the maintaining of our safety and sanity.
Predators are some serious chit and I will not ever underestimate them. Ever. The best that I can do for myself is to cloak myself in aloofness, studied indifference and split.
But thankfully, gratefully there are more good guys than evil guys on the planet so I can still be my friendly, easy going, silly, happy, joyful person and I can still live life with an enthusiastic gusto!!
Only now…I’m forewarned and armed. That’s the way it should be and I’m grateful to the authors of PD books and to the countless, beautiful, loving folks on LoveFraud.
Peace, Love and Joy to/for all….
In answer to Sabrina’s question about why do women need men. Well I was of the similar mind set….young, smart, made a lot of money, over came great obstacles, raised a family as single parent. Then I developed a rare disorder, could not work, lost health insurance, eventually spent most of the money that wasn’t lost in the stock market crash. My mother suddenly dies, my sister goes into downward spiral of depression, and Dad developes bad case of Alzheimer/Parkinsons, and the evil stepmother takes over all of his assets……….I had a choice of becoming homeless and independent…..or find a husband, have health insurance, and a home. Not any part of my 5 year plan for sure.
OxDrover,
I so love your story about Sam leaping through the air, then hitting the dirt growling! It made my day. I have decided to save up for a home and a “Sam” to accompany my “EasyOff”. It makes it easier to let go of my dog who had great ears, but was too little to do much damage.
P.S. How come I can cry over losing my little dog, but I can’t cry over my daughters morph?
Being a person whose religious beliefs are deeply rooted in Christianity, I struggle with my faith and people in my life who suffer from personality disorders.
The psychopaths that I have encountered in my life are EVIL. Guilty of unthinkable acts, not only to other adults, but to innocent children, as well.
And yet, the scripture tells us to “Love one another as I have loved you.” We are told to “turn the other cheek”. We are supposed to pray for our enemies, and above all, FORGIVE.
For the first time in my life, I am having a very difficult time doing these basic acts of love, that should come so naturally to someone like myself, who has a strong Christian faith.
I do not want to love someone who is incapable of love. I do not want to forgive or pray for someone who seems to have no soul.
I feel that my love, prayers, and forgiveness are not only being wasted on these disordered people, they only have contempt for me anyway. The effort seems futile, and I don’t want to do it.
Do I say a small prayer for these evil, loveless, soul-less individuals anyway because that is God’s wish?
Or do I leave it up to God to deal with these evil-doers, which is what I really want to do?
God knows me, and he will know when my prayers are not sincere, and yet I still want to do the will of God.
This is my struggle. I have prayed on it, but I cannot seem to find peace on this one.
P.S. I am even questioning whether “We are all God’s Children”!!!!! I NEVER thought I would ever say that and, it SCARES ME TO DEATH that I have actually written it. But, are we really ALL GOD”S CHILDREN, or are some of us SATAN’S CHILDREN???
Dear Rosa,
Part of the problem with the Bible is that the ENGLISH klanguage is so poor in some cases. It only has ONE word for “love”—I LOVE peanut butter. I LOVE my dog. I LOVE my child.—see what I mean?
Love, in the sense that “love your neighbor” means, I think, to DO GOOD to them.
Pray for those that persecute you and despitefully use you.
Hard to do, but actually very beneficial to YOU…I prayed form my egg donor. I did NOT mean a word of teh prayers, and I know God knew that, but I said them out loud, and eventually I igot to where I did mean them. It helped me to “forgive” her….now WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS MEAN? I did a blog article about it, but in short, it means to me “to get the bitterness toward them out of my heart” For MY benefit.
Harboring anger and bitterness hurts US, not them.
However, forgiving does NOT mean “restoring trust” or pretending what they did never happened. Read the story of Joseph, he had forgiven his berothers for selling him as a slave, but when they showed up 20 or 30 years later, he did NOT trust them until he TESTEd them to see what kind of men they ahd become…were they the same mean selfish and jealous men they had been, or had they learned, repented?
Once he saw that they would have given their own lives to keep their father from losing Benjamin, then he knew they were not the same men who sold him out of jealousy and sent his father into deep grief over his “death.”
As far as the “evil ones”—I think they know right from wrong, and though they have a genetic pre-disposition to be psychopaths, just like an alocholic has a pre-disposition genetically to be an alcoholic, the alcoholic can CHOOSE to not drink, and the psychopath CAN, I think Choose to not harm others, but just like the drunk, they CHOOSE to drink/harm because they like the way it makes them feel.
At one point, Satan himself, according to scriptures, was an “angel”—but he chose to rebel, to do evil, he is the ultimate psychoopath I think. I think those that are evil have chosen to follow Satan whether or not they even believe in a “satan” or not. Those that have chosen to follow a faith in God or a higher power, made that choice freely as well.
Turning the other cheek, I also think means that when someone “loses it” and slaps you in anger, don’t immediately respond back…”a soft answer turneth away wrath.” But it doesn’t advise anyone to volunteer to get beat up. In fact, both jesus and St. Paul advise us to “talk to” a brother who is doing wrong, then go with witnesses, then to the church, and if that doesn’t work, to NOT EVEN EAT WITH THEM. that, to me, describes “No Contact”—-the point is to make them see the “error of their ways” but if you are talking to a fence post, and not getting any response, in short, stop wasting your time and breath. NO CONTACT. good advice, in myh opinion.
The Bible tells us that “Vengence belongs to God” and I believe that in one way or another HE will judge and sentence them. It also says that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that Love the Lord.”
Sometimes something will happen that we think at the time is a “bad thing” but later, we find out that if the ‘bad thing” had not happened, a later victory would not have happened,. I have seen this so clearly with my Psychopathic son, and my egg donor. You know, if I had not “lost” the court case to get the Trojan Horse Psychopath out of her house permanently, then he and my son’s wife wouldnn”t hav ebeen caught in an affair, and gone to jail when they tried to kill my other son. You know, I am GLAD that I lost the battle, but GOD won the WAR!
My faith is much stronger now than ever before. I am far from a “perfect” Christian, but like Janie, I read the scriptures and try to read them with an open mind and with LOVE and to do what I think the scriptures advise or command. Being FREED from the psychopaths in my life, and the other toxic people that I have discarded has made me a bette5r person, a happier person and a more spiritual person.
Hang in there, I firmly believe that GOD IS LOVE, not the hateful vengeful nasty old man out to find something to burn me in hell for like my egg donor had me convinced of by teh time I was 4 or 5. Keep your faith strong and it will support you! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
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Oxy:
I think our Bible interpretations are very similar.
I had “the fear of God” instilled me at a very early age, and I guess it still shows.
But, I think our perceptions of psychopaths are different. You compared the psychopath to an alchoholic.
I prefer to liken the psychopath to that chimp that ripped that lady’s face off recently. For years, the chimp was a tame and loving pet. And then one day, the chimp went crazy and attacked that poor lady and ripped her face off. And now, she will never be the same.
I think there are varying degrees of psychopathy. Don’t you?
Some, like the alchoholic, can control themselves better and hide their disorder well.
Others, like the chimp, have very poor impulse control, and they can go off at any moment. Those in this latter group are very dangerous. Very hard to live with, too.
Dear zuni281 i am sorry for your hardships, I know what you posted is probally a mere snapshot of your pain and suffering that you have endured. My main point on the previous posts is geared toward the belief that some adhere to, that women should somehow feel guilty or not whole without a partner, therefore causing some women to go on ridiculous quests to find mr. right now. AND ignore red flags in order to have the coveted RELATIONSHIP… you get my point which is not the purpose of this thread at all. . I agree to the benefits of men and women sharing financial burdens,child raising, and the beauty of a healthy, god fearing relationship, of course.
Dear rosa,
I agree there are “degrees” of Psychpathy, but there is definitely a GENETIC component to it. Also to alcoholism. Yet, there are STILL CHOICES. It may be more difficult for a person with teh alcoholic gene to put the bottle down and quit drinking than for someone who does NOT have that genetic make up, BUT, there are still choices. It may be more difficult for a Psychopath to not be evil, but I do believe they have a choice, up to a certain point, at which time, they have crossed over the line of “no return” and at that point, they CANNOT be reached by any form of therapy because they don’t want to be. they have completely given themselves over to their carnal nature (for lack of a better word.)