Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you’re supposed to do, and you’ll stay out of trouble.
It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her.
She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect?
Fast forward 20 years. I’m a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I’d never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept into my life.
James Montgomery certainly didn’t look like trouble. He didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He often wore a sport coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. He hung around with local business leaders. But in two and a half years, this man destroyed my life as I knew it.
Montgomery spent all my money, distracted me from my business, and left me in serious debt. I was no longer independent and self-sufficient. I was shaken to my core. Obviously, my simplistic philosophy had failed me.
Now, 10 years after I left Montgomery, I am more judgmental—and less judgmental.
I am more judgmental because I know, through hard experience, that trouble in life is not always easy to identify. Trouble can come in seemingly harmless, even promising, packages. I have learned that I cannot necessarily take people at face value; I must exercise discernment before believing or trusting anyone.
And I am less judgmental because I realize that people can get into trouble, even though they didn’t mean to. You never really know the circumstances that lead to the decisions people make. Maybe, given the same situation, my choices wouldn’t be any better.
It seems that, after the sociopath shattered my black-and-white view of the world, I’ve acquired some wisdom. For that, I am grateful.
i speak from 1st hand experience that there is a huge difference between a simple addict/alcoholic and a psychopath. HUGE. i was in the program remained sober (in my 1st year he married me and then abandoned me just like that) and worked the steps thoroughly and honestly for 8 years.
my ex is a drug addict (but really he is a psychopath and his drug addiction gets him off the hook every-time) ! he uses AA for a place to sleep, eat and prowl for victims. he, and many others in the rooms, are another breed all together. i know many program people with horrible addictions that struggle and are far from perfect but even they would be shocked by the mind and behaviors of the psychopath.
they are being conned this very moment. opening their hearts, trusting him, buying his fake concern and desire to be sober. he is playing them like always so i don’t see how they compare? ( my sister just took 10 years so please know i am not judging them i hope i am taking up for them )
i do hate that so many invade the purpose and spiritual aspect of the program and can dismantle the recovery of many suffering souls. also i think they use AA to explain away their many crimes, “its my disease” please that does not make it okay to be a criminal!!!!
mine has been to the best treatment centers in the country, i think Hazleton like 10 times, and he has never done a 9th step, sincerely, never gotten even 1 year sober, and he doesn’t plan to either. it’s just another free ride.
it makes me sad for AA and yet angry at them for enabling the creeps. also the system for turning those criminals over to AA rather than putting them behind bars where they belong!
i was always against judging people (except myself!)
i always looked for the good side, ignored the bad. thought the best of others. gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. took people at their word, as i expected to be taken since i’m fairly direct & honest. though i always questioned myself, my viewpoints. i always gave other people more merit thatn i did myself. if there was a discrepancy between how i saw things & how someone else saw things, i usually accepted what they had to say about it & questioned my own judgement. i’m hoping to change that. though my confidence in my judgement has been damaged quite thoroughly since dealing with my S, it never was all that great (thanks to my possibly S father & using his belt to whip me into obedience & submission if i dared contradict anything or express my own POV).
hopefully i can become more judgemental of others & less judgemental of myself. i’m searching for a therapist and plan on working on myself before i even *think* about having another relationship, even another friendship. i sought out an old friend that had blew me off after my first divorce (abusive alcoholic, though not a sociopath). i had hoped to gain closure, maybe even be friends again. i asked her why she did what she did, and it was because of how i “treated him at the end”?!? she didn’t even care how he had treated me, never asked, refused my phone calls to talk to her. i htought she had been my best friend… but i finally realized that she must not have been my friend at all to have thought so little of me. my first judgemental victory!! i finally respected myself enough–judged myself worth enough!–not to meet her for lunch & waste my energies on someone who never had my well being in consideration.
WOW, me too same father and same trusting nature. i love this site!!!
awakening
I agree there is a huge difference between an addict and a psychopath…
I don’t think that is what oxy was saying. I think she was refering more to the genetic component.
And then ultimately that there still is a choice to take that drink or not in the alcoholics case or DO harm a person or NOT in the psychopaths case.
And regardless of label there is always a broad spectrum of where a person falls into. I have known some very functional alcoholics and some very disfunctional alcoholics. And the same would hold true for psychopaths as well. One end of the spectum you have murder and horrendous crimes and the other end some very high end professionals. And all those inbetween.
And you are right that the court system throws way to many into AA by a court order. Many just sit there quietly until meeting is over, to get their sheet signed however some these people might also “get it” and have a light bulb moment.
The true crime of the courts is when it orders crimminal behavior & the creeps into AA, and that creates turmoil for those who are there for the right purpose.
oh i see what you mean. sorry i guess i was a little fast to protect the alchy and still so close to the emotions of being smashed by a psychopath. thanks for clarifying that for me. so sorry if i offended anyone, wasn’t even thinking that way, promise.
i love this site i can’t pull myself away. you all make me feel so not alone and safe, its so weird to see the same exact stories and feeling. God i am so glad i found you!!!!!!! 🙂
Awakening:
I totally agree with your comment about psyopaths being a “different breed all together.”
I think of the psychopath as more of a freak or a wild animal. I feel my chimpanzee comparison is right on. Chimpanzees are cute, fun, cuddly, and a good time at parties. But, just below the surface, you know they are a wild animal and they can go off at any moment. And when they do, it is total devestation.
That is why I am having so much trouble reconciling all of these psychopaths within my faith.
I am not going to pray for a chimpanzee.
This is off topic, but I’m desperate. I was specifically hoping that Matt was on this morning or anyone with legal advice about if I can be charged for stalking my ex step child by reaching out to the school or social services to check on her. She knows that her Dad will not allow contact. He has his number unlisted and blocked as private but yesterday his daughter called and his name and number can up on caller ID. My daughter didn’t know what to do when she saw it so did not answer and called me. I thought it was his cell number so called back and left message that Lacey or he was trying to reach me and why. Was hoping that he finally had a hard and was letting the child talk me and her sister. I told him that I needed to know that Lacey was okay because the last time that I talked to her I promised her that I would be there for her if ever she were in danger or needed me and that I would go to jail to protect her. She said Mommy you would do that for me and I said Baby you have my word. I have feared for some time and convinced myself otherwise as all victims do that I was crazy. But in my heart I fear that he is molesting her. There are a lot of reasons for my fears but his recent vasectomy when he has always been opposed to birth control and his constant desire to spend only time with my daughter during our marriage and the fact that he still sleeps in the same bed with my stepdaughter all give me fear. It’s like now this child could start her period at any time I better make sure that I can’t make a baby. But refused to do it for me his wife who he refused to have sex with for 6 years and he still insists he is not having sex with his new girlfriend that he is having fun and as soon as shes says she loves him he is done with her. And that he is keeping Lacey away with no care to her wants because he can and therefore he will.
OOOPS MEANT TO SAY HEART TYPED HARD FREUDIAN SLIP
I called CPS and I made my report. I got a male worker and told him my whole story with no emotion and only the clinical insight of a trained nurse. He was awesome. Put me at ease and told me that I would be notified of their findings and that if it met criteria for abuse or neglect it would be investigated and that if it didn’t I would be contacted and told why it didn’t. In any case, years from now if she ever contacts me and says why didn’t you help, I will have a letter that proves that I did try my best and it didn’t work out as I intended. I offered my services as both a visitor with supervision with the child and as her foster parent if it comes to her being removed from the home. Please keep this in prayer and wish us luck. Thank God this man was familiar with the behavior and traits of a sociopath and told me that he knew the deal and understood my concerns and my reasons for being blind for so long and not wanting to believe the facts that were in my face due to how well they manipulate their victims. Wow! Validation. Towanda!
We had a cockroach in the Family Room today. I was busy grading papers when my daughter pointed it out. These bugs we get are huge. Some people call them Palmetto bugs. They’re the biggest dark brown roaches I’ve ever seen in North America. They tend to come into the house when there’s a significant change in barometric pressure.
“Dad will flip out if he sees it.”, my daughter warned.
I sighed and picked up several Kleenex. I hate touching them and I hate having them in the house, but squishing them is just too hard for me. He was a lively one, so by the time I had him wrapped in Kleenex and cupped tenderly in my hands I had done quite a bit of squealing, dancing and generally making a fool of myself.
I charged for the back door, because I could hear the garbage truck coming and I really wanted that bug to take the trip to the “Big House” right away. The truck’s mechanical lifter was already engaged with my pail, so I ended up running down the block and tucking the squirming roach and his Kleenex blanket into my neighbor’s trash.
Sociopaths and Psychopaths are like cockroaches. Your Christian Love is sufficient if you avoid harming them unnecessarily while getting free of them. You don’t have to feel guilty if they give you the creeps, or even if the bring out an urge to tap dance on their already squashed flat corpses. If you treat them humanely, don’t feel guilty.