Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you’re supposed to do, and you’ll stay out of trouble.
It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her.
She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect?
Fast forward 20 years. I’m a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I’d never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept into my life.
James Montgomery certainly didn’t look like trouble. He didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He often wore a sport coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. He hung around with local business leaders. But in two and a half years, this man destroyed my life as I knew it.
Montgomery spent all my money, distracted me from my business, and left me in serious debt. I was no longer independent and self-sufficient. I was shaken to my core. Obviously, my simplistic philosophy had failed me.
Now, 10 years after I left Montgomery, I am more judgmental—and less judgmental.
I am more judgmental because I know, through hard experience, that trouble in life is not always easy to identify. Trouble can come in seemingly harmless, even promising, packages. I have learned that I cannot necessarily take people at face value; I must exercise discernment before believing or trusting anyone.
And I am less judgmental because I realize that people can get into trouble, even though they didn’t mean to. You never really know the circumstances that lead to the decisions people make. Maybe, given the same situation, my choices wouldn’t be any better.
It seems that, after the sociopath shattered my black-and-white view of the world, I’ve acquired some wisdom. For that, I am grateful.
“People can get into to trouble, even if they didn’t mean to….”
Donna, you really encapsulated the issue with your comparison of your cousin hanging with the “wrong crowd” with James and his pocket square.
Beware of the pocket square, people! HAHA!
My sociopath wife of 26 years has ruined me. I don’t trust anyone anymore.
Speck:
Not trusting anyone right now is a healthy sign. You are on the road to recovery. After what you have been through it would be illogical to trust anyone.
Elizabeth Conley:
If you don’t squash the cockroach dead, it will just breed thousands and thousands more, in the very next trash bin it finds.
Tilly,
“If you don’t squash the cockroach dead, it will just breed thousands and thousands more, in the very next trash bin it finds.”
I know Tilly, but as long as they refrain from waving their antennae at me in my own home, I don’t mind sharing the earth with them. These huge brown roaches are “wood roaches”. They aren’t house pests, they prefer the rich layer of mulch that is piled high on my flower beds. It’s only when a storm is brewing that they get confused. If I want to wipe out the wood roaches, I’ll have to make the garden soil toxic to do it.
I don’t like palmetto bugs/wood roaches, I don’t like cluster Bs, I don’t like chickens or blue crabs, and I loathe wiener dogs, but the earth is big enough for all of us. Looking back on my list, I realize that of the bunch, those palmetto bugs are by far the most likable. In spite of their benign nature, they’re the only ones on my “hit list” that people would applaud me for killing. Go figure!
Has any one else here run into the term “situational sociopath” before? The two terms sound like mutual exclusives to me.
I know someone who received this label while suffering from totally understandable PTSD in the context of horrifically violent combat. He was subsequently separated from military service, and carrying this label seems to be one of his many scars. While nothing can be done to mitigate his combat experience, perhaps the secondary trauma inherent in this unfair label might be at least partially reversed.
This person functions extremely well in our community. He is an exceptionally good family man, mentor, friend, professional teacher/trainer and all around asset to any organization he joins or endeavor he undertakes.
Personally, I’ve got big problems with the way the U.S. military treats it’s veterans, and how Psychiatric diagnoses are used to devalue and discard good people the government finds inconvenient.
This unusual diagnosis, “situational sociopath” sounds like junk science to me. Anyone have more insights?
Elizabeth,
The only “advice” I can give is to tell you that when speaking with my professor in graduate school, she shared with me that when some men return from VietNam, they come back with Anti-Social PD, and that when children suffer trauma in childhood, they have discovered what is now referred to as DES-NOS. This is Disorder of Extreme Stress, not otherwise specified. I was concerned that I may have BPD. She assured me that this was not so – point is, that although I haven’t heard of situational sociopath, sounds like the same line of thought.
Elizabeth:
I’ve heard of “situational ethics”. Think the same principal applies?
Matt and Housie,
I think you’ve both got good insights.
What bothers me is that it seems like military Psychiatrists have yet again cobbled together a junk “diagnosis” to explain why it’s OK for the government to separate a service-member and terminate treatment at the same time.
This man is functioning rather well, but not everyone bounces back from the professional harm done when certain separation codes listed on their DD 214 suggest to future employers that they’re mentally unstable.
If this “diagnosis” threatens to become a trend, Americans will have cause to become alarmed.
Dear EC,
I think there are some things that are “not situational” in the sense you are talking about–you can’t be “situationally” dead, or “situationally” preg, you either IS OR YOU AIN’T!
You can’t be a “little bit dead” or a “little bit preg” though you can be recently dead or recently preg. But I can’t see where someone could be a “situational” psychopath. I think you might be able to ACT like a psychopath for a short time, but that wouldn’t make you a psychopath, any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car, or sitting in a barn makes you a cow.
I think I can be “siotuationally angry” or “situationally happy” but I think the term “situationally psychopathic” is gobbldy-gook by someone who doesn’t know what the heck they are talking about. LOL
The man may have even been psychotic or “crazy” with PTSD, and done some bad or violent things but I can’t see that he a “situational psychopath.” He may have been NUMB and unable to feel his emotions or have empathy because of teh PTSD –I’ve been there—but that doesn’t make him a “situational psychopath” in mty opinion.