Two Lovefraud readers have created animations related to their experiences with psychopaths. They’re posted on YouTube. Take a look—you’ll certainly be able to relate!
But I love you—daily psychopath talk
By Openeyefilms
Be a warrior NOT a psychopath
By Sarah Strudwick
((DW))
I’m sorry this is going on so long. I don’t have any experience but maybe someone else here can help you.
Whatever you do, don’t let him see any emotions. Act like you’re taking it all in stride.
Skylar,
Thanks. I emailed him recently that until the divorce is done I don’t want to communicate directly and to please help finalize the divorce.
He had hassled me by constant emails trying to pose as a “nice guy” and offer “help” by sending a guy to fix a lamp post in driveway and telling him NOT TO tell me, then offering to hire an attorney for daughter’s speeding ticket court hearing, while I find out that he made HIS OWN KID write HIM a check with her own money (she now works) to pay the lawyer he insisted she needed. I was furious. So I told him to buzz off and I didnt’ need any help re. ticket (before I knew the kid gave him a check for the attorney). Next day she decided to fire the attorney and asked her dad for her check back.
He is a piece of work and absolutely malicious now. It’s like a leech attached to me and won’t get OFF!!!!
I’m so sorry DancingWarrior… I’m sure you must feel upset and angry most of the time over this. UGH!
DancingWarrior:
I also do not have any advice about nasty divorces. I really feel for you. I can see how this could take a huge toll on you. Please take care of yourself.
DW, been there, 2 years to get a divorce, and have just spent a further 18 months trying to get child maintenance (over a 6 year period in total). Both times had to go to hearing after hearing and a final hearing, both 2 full days in court, endless paper work etc. I am in the UK, takes forever because the courts are busy, he kept trying to delay, delay, delay, cost a fortune and no he has not seen his children for 5 years now.
In the UK there is a website wikivorce (hopefully something similar in the US). This site gives free advice and allows people to sound off. You are not alone, other people will have had similar experiences and can give you advice and moral support.
Sadly its a control thing, I felt convinced he actually enjoyed it. I did kick his ar*e both times, but the stress of endless court hearings has taken its toll, I think we have had every judge in the county court. All I can say is hang on in there, it will happen one day ..but he is not going anywhere without a fight.
Just stay strong, no contact, and never email or put anything in writing, or phone, he will use it against you, never text, do everything via your lawyer/court. I ended up representing myself last time around, he took me to court to vary child maintenance not that he had paid any!! They love the drama, drama, drama.
He is trying to wear you down, he knows what buttons to push, and he is pushing them! I do feel for you, just keep NC and ignore all text messages, emails, he is trying to goad you!
Kick your lawyer to set a trial date (I assume this is the same as a final hearing in the UK). The spath will delay, delay because he knows it is stressing you out and he is enjoying every minute of it.
My heart goes out to you, I’ve been in this sh*t for years and I know until both my children are adults I will still be in it. I have resigned myself to litigation and told the judge ‘we will be back’ and her response ‘I am sure you will’.
Stay strong and as my barrister told me, ‘it will eventually be over’, and judges are not stupid they have seen it all before, just BAU for the courts.
As the trial date draws closer he will step up the harassment ..and of course they don’t like to lose. NC, NC, NC.
Take care of you.
Dear DW,
((((DW))))) Sugar I hear your frustration and rage at all the drama, but I agree…set the date….what have you got to lose in a trial? Looks like nothing really. Maybe it will show him that you are serious and he will go ahead…but if not, only a trial date will “motivate” him.
Hope things get better! (((hugs)))) You are in my prayers! Love, Oxy
Hi darwins mom, eb92044, movingon, and Oxy,
Thanks for your comments.
After I slept on my angry decision to set a trial date, I wrote to my lawyer to scratch that email.
Main reason–to protect my peace and sanity.
If I set a trial date, this will ramp up my anxiety and uncertainty. It will cost me a lot of money which I don’t have. And if the trial happens, I can imagine the stress of probably two days at court, the uncertainty of the risk that the judge rules unfavorably, and of course his loving the fight and the taunting and since he has nothing to lose, the possiblity that he’d see me humiliated in court if I lost something that matters.
So, I am thinking, I’ll annoy him by not showing him that I am sweating.
Last thing I asked for is reimbursement for 3 yrs of family insurance–for his share and 1/2 of child’s, which amounts to a lot, and also 1/2 of major house upkeep repairs, as it’s a joint asset still that he’s drawing from. His lawyer LAUGHED at me and said no way it won’t fly. I can’t say how a judge would rule about this.
So I let go. But I asked then that he appraise the two original works of art he took out of home under false pretenses, in my weakest state, just after I had surgery and was still under anestesia and with packing in my nose. He agreed to have them appraised, but I haven’t heard a peep about it for about 3 weeks now.
And let’s say they are worth a lot, still I don’t think I can acheive anything anyhow. If I try to adjust the split since he would have greater assets, he’s STILL say no. Duh. Meaning I am just wasting my time, energy, and legal money. For nothing. And he’s laughing.
Okay, so bottom line.
I figure I’ll just take a big financial hit and get it over with asap.
If he won’t agree, let him.
I CAN be in control of me and my life by refusing to engage in any more futile “negotiation.”
Whatever hit I accept, I’d spend anyhow in a trial.
This way at least PLEASE GOD PLEASE this may just be over right now.
I think the fact that I emailed him “Plese help finalize the divorce” just pissed him off more, and will make him want to do the opposite just because.
How SICK.
Thank you all for listening and encouragement. I frequently have to go lie down just to rest, it’s as if someone has beaten me, that’s how TIRED I feel.
DancingWarrior –
Poor darling. My divorce also took longer than it should have. In Australia, you generally get heard between 12 – 16 weeks (depending on how busy the court is) and the divorce is granted that day, then becomes final one month and one day later.
Mine took nine months FROM the first hearing and other aspects of cutting the ties are still going after more than four years – so I understand your frustration. xxx
Superspath hid in his house when the process server tried to serve him with the paperwork – repeatedly. Then, once they finally managed to catch him, he refused to sign the papers. WTF? He had already installed the next dupe in our former marital home! He had dozens of other sexual partners on the go. We had no kids together and I had not seen him in almost a year. He had made it abundantly clear that he hated me – I was a nut job, a scheming money hungry bitch and an abusive person (apparently) – why would he NOT want to divorce me? Because he was playing with me, trying to break me even more than I was already broken. The mistake that I made with the divorce was that I let it show how much I was hurting.
You must be cool and calm and completely blank to him. Hardest thing you’ll ever do, with some of the best results you’ll ever have. It takes practice.
Afterwards I thought how I should have handled it so that it was easier for me: I remembered what my lawyer had told me when I was 18 and had been hit from behind in a serious car accident, resulting in a painful neck injury. He said, “This could take 6 – 8 years to settle. Go away, live your life as if none of it had happened; don’t even think about the court case or the settlement. Go to the doctor when it hurts and get whatever you need to get out of pain – but don’t think about the court case. Leave it with us. One day, it will be time to think about it, but that time is not now; if you do, you will create anxiety in yourself, which will make your neck hurt even more. We will call you when it’s time to deal with it”. When I was 25, the call came. In the meantime, I had taken the advice and lived my life. I had courted, married and built a house. I had changed jobs several times. I had honestly not worried about the court case and as a result, I did not waste time agonising over it.
I know that rather oversimplifies what we deal with with our spaths, but I made myself do something similar last year for a court hearing with the Superspath. Usually, my PTSD gets the better of me at these things. Spath knows this and always positions himself so that in order for me to sign in to the court register, I have to walk very close past him. He stares me down while I shake and hyperventilate my way past him with a security guard in tow. Not any more. Now, my support person (a dear friend) and I exit the elevator laughing and we pointedly glance in his direction as we pass him, making eye contact with him yet looking right through him at the same time, as if he is insignificant. The second last time I went to that court, he changed where he sat; last time, he sent his lawyer alone and did not show up at all. It might be coincidence, but I prefer to think that I psyched him out.
“I can’t take the waiting and uncertainty anymore. It’s psychological torture! Last pre-trial court hearing was in Nov, when supposedly court wouldn’t let us leave w/out setting a trial date, to force us to settle before that date.”
Do you have the option of making an application to expedite to trial? I did that (he opposed my application, of course, but I won) and now I know that the end is in sight; after this one, there is nothing else he can do to me (unless he takes up stalking me again, in which case my local police are ready and waiting).
In the meantime, you have to reach deep down inside your soul and find your “cool”. This is a business transaction and you need to treat it that way; coldly and unemotionally; you need to detach from it (easier said than done, but do-able – believe me, I am the biggest sooky emotional person on the planet but I have trained myself to do this, so you can too). Approach it methodically and in a calculated manner; pretend that you are in a boardroom and you are the CEO of a company and that he is one of your clients; analyse things with the same deliberation as if this were true. Base your decisions on what will be the best outcome for your “company”.
“wonder if anyone has had the experience of a divorce TRIAL with an effing SPATH who love the arena of conflict and the spotlight to play up their victimhood for the world to see.”
I’m right there right now, living the nightmare.
Superspath can not possibly hope to win his case against me (no matter what lies he tells), his own lawyers are confounded by his insistence on pushing to trial and not settling out of court. They don’t understand that he is a spath and than for him, the conflict and the attention is enough of a payoff. But I do, and I can plan accordingly. I have learned not to let it get under my skin anymore. I go to court when I have to and I will play the game one step at a time until it is all played out; and I do it all calmly and without anxiety now. My friend and I actually make a day out of it (we have to travel quite a distance to attend, as we live in the country and the court is in the city). We go for lunch and we window shop (all I can afford to do) and we use the time in between to catch up on girly gossip. If I have to do this, I’m doing it now on MY TERMS, not his.
And one day soon, it will end.
“I am thinking, I’ll annoy him by not showing him that I am sweating.”
Yes, yes and yes – but go one step further and for your OWN sake, teach yourself NOT TO SWEAT.
This too, will pass. All things do.
“His lawyer LAUGHED at me and said no way it won’t fly. I can’t say how a judge would rule about this.”
That’s what lawyers are PAID to do – pay no attention to it. You are absolutely right – you CAN’T say how a judge will rule. So keep an open mind and prepare for either eventuality. I always work through a “worst case” scenario in my head. Once you have faced the worst thing that could happen, the rest is easy. It’s the “unknowns” and the “what if’s” that paralyse us. Face it head on and make a plan for what you would need to do next if the worst DID happen. Then sit tight and wait to see – anything better than “the worst” is cream.
“I figure I’ll just take a big financial hit and get it over with asap.”
Okay – if you are comfortable with that, then do it. But you may not have to take such a hit in order to wrap it all up. Try to detach yourself and think outside the square a bit: are there REALLY only two possible outcomes? If so, fair enough. If not, what would a BUSINESS PERSON do? Do that.
“I think the fact that I emailed him “Plese help finalize the divorce” just pissed him off more”
No – it made him grin because you handed yourself to him on a plate; you revealed a weakness, a soft spot. You need to change tack now; shrug your shoulders and act as if it’s no big deal while doing what you can on paper to finalise it.
Detach.
“I frequently have to go lie down just to rest, it’s as if someone has beaten me, that’s how TIRED I feel.”
PTSD babe – have you seen a doctor yet? Also, CFS and FMS (or if you are really lucky, BOTH) often follow hot on the heels of PTSD. Get some help for this aspect of “afterspath” (it’s like “aftermath”, only it’s the aftermath of a spath…)
If I can come this far, anyone can.
Aussiegirl,
Very helpful and thank you for sharing your fighting back and maitaning your cool and distance. Good for you!
I like the idea of going with a friend, but alas I don’t feel I can ask a woman friend I work with to take a day off to do that My therapist was saying to me “You can still wave to him, smile, and say HI SPATH” and continue with the divorce as usual through lawyers.” She said that would probably throw him off. I didn’t have the courage–I’d avoid him at daughter’s games.
But what you say makes a lot of sense–being blank, and making eye contact, but not registering his existence any different than any other stranger in the courtroom. I have a “scheduling conference” next Thurs. Fingers crossed to stay calm. Nothing will happen then, it’s just that the case is so old they want to know the status.
Thank you very much.
(((aussie))) – good to see you posting!
((((dw))) – you have become a warrior – the one who lasts, the one who persists, the one who will win because you have learned and continue to learn so much about how to deal with your situation.