Understanding helps us heal from our painful experiences. Understanding also helps us avoid repeating those experiences. What is understanding? Understanding is knowledge gained by our higher-verbal brain that helps it to manage our lower non-verbal brain. Understanding is, therefore, a path to our own impulse control. In the next few weeks, I am going to present a series on the science of motivation. I hope that a new understanding of motivation will help you in your quest for healing.
Where does motivation come from?
The first thing to understand about motivation is that it does not originate in our higher verbal brain (the cerebral cortex). It originates in our non-verbal, lower brain or limbic system. This part of the brain performs the functions of what Freud called the unconscious mind.
The unconscious mind is very much like wind. It is unseen yet very powerful. We know it exists because we see its effects and we can feel it. Yet, we do not know exactly where its force is coming from. Just as an experienced sailor uses his understanding of the wind to travel, one who understands motivation can use its energy to go far.
Motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure
Motivation research began with the discovery of the fact that rats will press a bar to obtain various rewards. This discovery allowed scientists to study motivation in mathematical terms. For the first time, we had a measure of desire and therefore motivation. If a rat pressed a bar many times, he showed a strong desire for a particular reward. With these measures we discovered that motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure. Something about pleasure is rewarding in that pleasure causes behaviors to be repeated.
We soon discovered that all the things that act as rewards and that increase motivated behavior are sources of pleasure. These things are food/water, sex, entertainment, possessions, affection, social dominance and substances of abuse. When a behavior causes us to get these things, we repeat that behavior. Thus, by some brain process, an association is made between an action and its outcome—getting a source of pleasure. All rewards influence motivation by affecting the same brain process.
Pleasure is necessary for learning an association between action and obtaining reward. This association, once made, causes behaviors to be repeated. Repeated behaviors are motivated behaviors. Pleasure, therefore, is the beginning of motivation. The things that give us pleasure are necessary for survival and we physically need them. We want and crave these things and we like them because they are sources of pleasure.
Needing, wanting and liking
There is an interesting interplay between needing, wanting and liking. For example, when a person is starving, food is much needed, and thus very pleasurable. Food becomes less needed, and thus less pleasant, for someone who has already eaten. The motivation for a particular type of reward is not constant but waxes and wanes, as does the pleasure from that reward. One piece of chocolate, for instance, can be quite tasty and rewarding. But even a chocolate connoisseur will probably only experience disgust if he or she is forced to eat two pounds of chocolate at once!
Recently, scientists trying to understand addiction have discovered something truly remarkable. That is, although pleasure is required to establish a behavior pattern, pleasure is not required to maintain that behavior pattern. Wanting related behaviors can occur in the absence of pleasure and are called compulsions. The bottom line is that wanting to do something and liking to do that something are not the same.
Cues from the environment become associated with pleasure in the early stages of establishing a motivated behavior. Later, these cues trigger wanting to do the behavior even in the absence of pleasure obtained by that behavior. Addiction is the best model for understanding this aspect of motivated behavior. Long after the addict has stopped feeling pleasure from the addictive substance, things that remind him of using trigger drug cravings and the compulsion to use. The brain pathways that are active in craving, wanting and pursuing addictive drugs are the same ones involved in all motivated behavior. This is why addiction affects all motivated behavior.
Motivation and healing from a relationship with a sociopath
Where am I going with all this psychology? I am trying to convince you that your compulsion to be with a sociopath can continue even after the relationship has stopped giving you pleasure. The sociopath knows instinctively that all he/she has to do is hook you in the initial pleasure phase, and you will continue to feel a compulsion to be with him/her. Sociopaths typically change in their relationships once they sense the other person is hooked or attached.
Just as cues trigger craving in addicts, reminders of the sociopath can trigger a longing for that initial relationship. Furthermore, just as complete abstinence is the only hope for recovery from addiction, staying away from the sociopath is the beginning of recovery.
Even though the maintenance of addiction and attachment to an undesirable person are the same, I do not believe that attachment to a sociopath is a sign there is something wrong with you. The sociopath and the substances of abuse hijack a brain pathway meant to serve survival. Once hijacked, the survival system becomes a path to destruction.
If a sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, start to break the compulsion today. Use your conscious mind and stay away from the person, don’t answer emails or phone calls. Remove from your life as much as possible reminders of the relationship. Distract yourself with other pleasures. Lastly, do not isolate yourself from other people. Since the sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, if you are “starved” for affection, your craving for him/her will only increase if you are lonely.
Next week we will discuss the brain pathways and hormones involved in the love bond.
Thank you!
This helps me understand and forgive myself for staying with my ex for so long when I knew it caused me so much anguish and pain. Once again I am reminded that once I understand something it no longer has any power to hurt me.
dee
This does explain why we seem to be obsessed/addicted to the sociopaths in our lives. Even now, a year after her departure, I find myself sometimes longing to have her back in some form in my life, but I know how unhealthy that would be, and I have to remind myself of the reality of just what and who she is, and of the misery she has caused in my life.. I recall that intense feeling of love and passion and the feeling that the world was right when we first met… that pleasure was the catalyst for me allowing her crazy, mean, inconsistent behavior to continue after the “honeymoon” of the relationship was over and her devaluation had begun. With those first “hurts”, I had begun to try to change myself, perhaps thinking that in some way, I was to blame for her “hot and cold” nature, and wanted to make sure that I had my bases covered, that I wasn’t the blame of her crazy actions and insensitive assaults. I spent the last half of that relationship trying to recapture the wonderful, perfect beginning… I could have never known that I was jumping through hoops to save and recapture something that really never existed… That concept is still by far the hardest to grasp. The perfection of those early times and that total feeling of ecstasy that I felt with her when we were together…. a fantasy……. I have never had any experience in my life that gave to me such a wide spectrum of emotions… from pure joy and deep love and fulfillment to deep hurt and disappointment and sorrow. It would be interesting to know if those rats in the piece above, if given a electric shock, would they still hit the bar for the reward….. pain/pleasure,/pain/.pleasure… both are strong emotions.. both seem to sum up a life with a disturbed person with anti-social behavior.
There are many examples of rats pursuit of reward in the face of punishment. Rats will bar press to receive electrical stimulation to the brain pathway I wrote about. Some rats will do so until they drop from exhaustion. Some rats prefer to receive electrical stimulation rather than eating and will starve if allowed to do so.
Thanks Liane, what you’ve written adds clarity to my understanding — and with that understanding I can continue to build my beautiful life in freedom.
When I first was freed from the sociopath, I intuitively knew I could not have any contact — and contact meant mental as well as physical. By keeping my mind clear of thoughts of him, I opened myself up to the possibilities of healing.
Thanks! As always, you’ve given me great insight and great food for thought. — so much more envigorating than thoughts of him!
M.L.
How did you keep your thoughts clear of him? I struggle everyday with thoughts of her. It angers me that I find myself thinking about her. I have used technics such as evrytime I think of her, I say to myself.. NO.. or go away.. or I say to myself, that was my old life, this is my new one.. but yet.. it’s always there. I have been through break ups before in my life, and lost a wife to cancer as well.. I admit that I was preoccupied with her and her death for nearly 2 1/2 years be fore it stopped being a daily mind struggle. The reason it stopped?…. I met the sociopath. I’m quite afraid that the obsessing will remain with me until someone new comes into my life, but I hate that, and I feel that it certainly wouldn’t be fair to this new person, but yet again, I have talked to others who obsessed about old girlfriends until they met a new love and then things were fine and the obsessing faded away. I feel like I’m a whole person, and am quite capable of loving, although more wisely next time, but with the obsessing, I worry that I may not be as whole as I think or wish. Yes, I have a deep wound, but even with that said, I have forgiven myself, but not her completely….. It is also very difficult because she lives only 5 mins away. I avoid going near where she lives like one would avoid the plague even going out of my way to do so, but then again.. isn’t that saying something as well? Yes, I’m not “over” it, but can we ever be “over” this? Do we have to be over it to be healthy and whole? As I wrote that last question, it seems like a stupid one.. but yet, many here say that one truely never gets over this, and that the scar across the soul remains. I welcome any advice. I can honestly say that in the year since the abandonment, I have come a very long ways, and for the most part I am a happy man, but the thoughts of this woman, and what she did to my son and I seems to be with me on a daily basis.
I would like to reply to you southerman429. I watched my daughter go through a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath, I never have really understood the difference between the two but according to her therapist that’s what he was. She started out by sharing with her family and friends about this guy that seem to come into her life at the perfect time. She had lost her best friend in life to a suicide and had a tremendous amount of guilt inside from that. She described him as “a breath of fresh air” even though he had met her at what was probably the worst time in her life she still gave it a go. He would tell her that they were soulmates and she was the one he had searched for his entire life. I later learned from her therapist that is what they do to reel you in and make a believer out of you. How could you not stay in a relationship with someone that says those things to you? Was he “the one” for her? absolutely not! I kept listening to the things she was telling me about him and I saw them as “red flags” even if she didn’t, so as a mother wanting to protect her child I hired a PI to do a background check on this guy. I spoke with his ex girlfriend before my daughter and couldn’t believe the things I had uncovered about him. It broke my heart the day I had to bring all of this to her attention but I had to. She was heartbroken and couldn’t even believe it was info about him but it was. She ended her relationship with him and it wasn’t an easy thing to do, it never is but it had to be done. I stayed in close contact with her and her therapist afterwards. The therapist told me she had her good and her bad days but he thought she was going to be okay in the end. Her and her world were so devistated by this man that her therapist did hypnotherapy to help remove him from her memory. She has no recollection of him or their relationship any longer. I know that people say we need to learn from our mistakes and experiences in life but when you can prevent yourself from maybe a life long pain, I think it is a great alternative to the sufferage that would come with that. It all takes time for some people, healing takes time. I’m just glad that my daughter found what some consider a “quick fix” to her experience with a man that hurt her so much. The emotional scar that would have been left behind was worth the “quick fix” if you ask me. Just know countryman429 that you’re not alone and you never will be on your journey to put your life back together after someone took some of your innocence away from you and betrayed you in the worst way possible, breaking your heart. Best of Luck to you and your son in your future together.
“Where am I going with all this psychology? I am trying to convince you that your compulsion to be with a sociopath can continue even after the relationship has stopped giving you pleasure. The sociopath knows instinctively that all he/she has to do is hook you in the initial pleasure phase, and you will continue to feel a compulsion to be with him/her. Sociopaths typically change in their relationships once they sense the other person is hooked or attached.”
This is a perfect statement of what happened to me. Thanks, Liane!
The nagging question I have is about how “instinctive” or not the sociopath’s knowledge is. Is it unconscious or completely calculated?
I know for example “my” (actually quite blue-collar low-brow beer-swilling**) sociopath had a collection of psychology books. Had he really read up on this stuff?
** Of course in the beginning he feigned otherwise in order to seem like we had lots in common!
I would like to reply to Fromthe Heart. You are very lucky to still have your daughter in your life. My daughter was taken in by a con artist/sociopath one year ago, and our lives have been totally uprooted. She was in college, working, had her own home, loving family, etc. Met him in May last year and began to see him even though he was married. I googled his name and found that he had been indicted by a fed. grand jury for stealing vehicles, changing VINs, and reselling the cars. He is now serving 14 months in a “country club prison” in Pensacola. He divorced his wife and 4 days later married my daughter. She’d only known him for 4 months. He has convinced her that we want to kidnap her, want to have him killed, etc. She retained an attorney and had him write us a letter forbidding any contact with her whatsoever. I might add that he has gone through a trust fund that she inherited from her grandparents, bought ANOTHER house with her name only on the mortgage, made her quit school, and now….I find out yesterday that she’s pregnant. She has told everyone but her father and me. I might add that she is sending out “blanket” e-mails to many people in the small town that we live in that are nothing but the most farfetched lies anyone could dream up. She has repeatedly told people she wants me dead, wants to watch me die, etc. This person graduated at the top of her class, class president, dean’s list scholar, and so on. She is convinced that he is the man for her. I’m sorry to go on with this, but so often I feel like this (site) is the only place I can go where anyone understands what I’m going through. Just one year ago, my daughter and I (she’s 24) were the best of friends and many people told us that they envied our relationship/friendship. And now, nothing. I’m a Believer; but right now I can’t help but feel that God’s not listening. From the Heart, cherish your relationship with your daughter. You are a really lucky person now.
Anyone else interested in starting an online support group for parents who lost adult children to sociopaths? If so email me.
drleedom@LoveFraud.com
Hi Dr. Leedom,
I am interested in the bio-chemical aspects and neuro-science behind both sociopathy and also addiction to a sociopath. Having had a traumatizing involvement with a sociopath a couple of years ago, I hypothesized the following, and I’m wondering what you think.
As far as charisma in sociopaths goes, my theory is this:
if a sociopath has no conscience (and no guilt), he or she might often be in a better mood – or at least appear to be in a better mood – i.e; generally more upbeat and seemingly happy with whatever is going on – than the average decent non-sociopathic person dealing with the typical ups and downs of daily life.
I have heard that when someone is feeling happy, his or her facial expressions. tone of voice, and even their pheramones and neuro-chemicals are probably more “attractive” or magnetic to others around them.
Therefore, is it possible that these happier neuro-chemicals, and aspects of body language – are responsible for increasing their charisma?
Also – if a sociopath experiences no guilt or remorse for their actions against others, and in fact does not even possess a conscience with the same rules and ability to empathize that non-sociopaths hold dear, then that would suggest that the sociopath is perfectly congruent in their happy, good moods; even when others around them are going into chaos, confusion, financial/emotional ruin, etc. as a result of the sociopath’s involvement in their lives.
And the congruency is what is so confusing and dumb-founding to the victims, because – it appears that nothing is wrong – at least from the sociopath’s view-point. I’ve heard that the congruency of a sociopath in believing their own lies is what often enables them to take a lie detector test, and pass with flying colors, because they don’t think they’re lying! (Although they are usually so intelligent, I wonder how they can not NOT know that they are lying…)
Further, let’s say I’d become addicted to the sociopath, and trusted him or her.
When doubts came up in my mind, because of tiny indications that the sociopath was in fact a liar and perpetrator of fraud, hurt, deceipt, etc.,
I would then be dealing with “brain-fog” – a sense of odd and incomprehensible self-doubt, because afterall, my esteemed and trusted new friend (or counselor or spouse or whatever) certainly seems clear-headed and confident, so he/she MUST be more level-headed, and probably more right about what’s going on than I am!
Anyway, this is what I’ve concluded after my unfortunate encounter with a prolific criminal sociopath who was an expert in intimidation and the art of the “mind-f–k”! (Excuse the bad language, but that is the best way to describe it.)