Understanding helps us heal from our painful experiences. Understanding also helps us avoid repeating those experiences. What is understanding? Understanding is knowledge gained by our higher-verbal brain that helps it to manage our lower non-verbal brain. Understanding is, therefore, a path to our own impulse control. In the next few weeks, I am going to present a series on the science of motivation. I hope that a new understanding of motivation will help you in your quest for healing.
Where does motivation come from?
The first thing to understand about motivation is that it does not originate in our higher verbal brain (the cerebral cortex). It originates in our non-verbal, lower brain or limbic system. This part of the brain performs the functions of what Freud called the unconscious mind.
The unconscious mind is very much like wind. It is unseen yet very powerful. We know it exists because we see its effects and we can feel it. Yet, we do not know exactly where its force is coming from. Just as an experienced sailor uses his understanding of the wind to travel, one who understands motivation can use its energy to go far.
Motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure
Motivation research began with the discovery of the fact that rats will press a bar to obtain various rewards. This discovery allowed scientists to study motivation in mathematical terms. For the first time, we had a measure of desire and therefore motivation. If a rat pressed a bar many times, he showed a strong desire for a particular reward. With these measures we discovered that motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure. Something about pleasure is rewarding in that pleasure causes behaviors to be repeated.
We soon discovered that all the things that act as rewards and that increase motivated behavior are sources of pleasure. These things are food/water, sex, entertainment, possessions, affection, social dominance and substances of abuse. When a behavior causes us to get these things, we repeat that behavior. Thus, by some brain process, an association is made between an action and its outcome—getting a source of pleasure. All rewards influence motivation by affecting the same brain process.
Pleasure is necessary for learning an association between action and obtaining reward. This association, once made, causes behaviors to be repeated. Repeated behaviors are motivated behaviors. Pleasure, therefore, is the beginning of motivation. The things that give us pleasure are necessary for survival and we physically need them. We want and crave these things and we like them because they are sources of pleasure.
Needing, wanting and liking
There is an interesting interplay between needing, wanting and liking. For example, when a person is starving, food is much needed, and thus very pleasurable. Food becomes less needed, and thus less pleasant, for someone who has already eaten. The motivation for a particular type of reward is not constant but waxes and wanes, as does the pleasure from that reward. One piece of chocolate, for instance, can be quite tasty and rewarding. But even a chocolate connoisseur will probably only experience disgust if he or she is forced to eat two pounds of chocolate at once!
Recently, scientists trying to understand addiction have discovered something truly remarkable. That is, although pleasure is required to establish a behavior pattern, pleasure is not required to maintain that behavior pattern. Wanting related behaviors can occur in the absence of pleasure and are called compulsions. The bottom line is that wanting to do something and liking to do that something are not the same.
Cues from the environment become associated with pleasure in the early stages of establishing a motivated behavior. Later, these cues trigger wanting to do the behavior even in the absence of pleasure obtained by that behavior. Addiction is the best model for understanding this aspect of motivated behavior. Long after the addict has stopped feeling pleasure from the addictive substance, things that remind him of using trigger drug cravings and the compulsion to use. The brain pathways that are active in craving, wanting and pursuing addictive drugs are the same ones involved in all motivated behavior. This is why addiction affects all motivated behavior.
Motivation and healing from a relationship with a sociopath
Where am I going with all this psychology? I am trying to convince you that your compulsion to be with a sociopath can continue even after the relationship has stopped giving you pleasure. The sociopath knows instinctively that all he/she has to do is hook you in the initial pleasure phase, and you will continue to feel a compulsion to be with him/her. Sociopaths typically change in their relationships once they sense the other person is hooked or attached.
Just as cues trigger craving in addicts, reminders of the sociopath can trigger a longing for that initial relationship. Furthermore, just as complete abstinence is the only hope for recovery from addiction, staying away from the sociopath is the beginning of recovery.
Even though the maintenance of addiction and attachment to an undesirable person are the same, I do not believe that attachment to a sociopath is a sign there is something wrong with you. The sociopath and the substances of abuse hijack a brain pathway meant to serve survival. Once hijacked, the survival system becomes a path to destruction.
If a sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, start to break the compulsion today. Use your conscious mind and stay away from the person, don’t answer emails or phone calls. Remove from your life as much as possible reminders of the relationship. Distract yourself with other pleasures. Lastly, do not isolate yourself from other people. Since the sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, if you are “starved” for affection, your craving for him/her will only increase if you are lonely.
Next week we will discuss the brain pathways and hormones involved in the love bond.
It just feels wierd to just stop calling or taking his calls. We just said I love you to each other this early morning and said we would talk later…then i checked the messages and heard her and now know she is more then a friend by her tone and comments…but then why do I feel like I will hurt him by just stopping without reason. If she told him I called then he would know I had enough right? or is that wrong thinking
I just read that sociopaths seem to die out of that type of traits after 30, can that be true? My S is quite a bit older then 30 and as we have discovered with comments back and forth that he is a S.
I don’t think my X P will ever out grow his trait’s, maybe he will find someone that can tolerate them. I don’t want to be disrespected, used, manipulated, controlled, lied too. I would rather work through the pain of letting him go, and work on myself so I will be mentally whole for the people that do love me. And if someone new comes along, I want all this confusion behind me so I can stay focused on reality. I think you are grasping at straw’s to hang on to your dream’s. He stole your dream’s and is using them to keep you available, or keep you for a safety net. I can’t tell you what to do, but if you need one more final answer to confirm your doubt’s? You seem like I did, the fact’s the evidence was right in front of me but I still didn’t want to believe it…
Dear Learningme,
This is not about being “socially polite”—he has lied to you, used you, and you are worrying about being “polite” to him? Come on!!! If you stop taking his calls, HE WILL KNOW WHY. He knows that you are on to him, and he will lie as long as you will listen. He is NOT going to change, sweetie!
Quote: “I feel like I will hurt him by just stopping without reason”
you are NOT stopping without reason, you have 1000 reasons, he has been abusive to you, lied to you, cheated on you, strung you along….continue another 996 things…I bet ou can fill in the blanks, all 996 of them!
He has deliberately hurt YOU. You will NOT hurt him, because he does not and is not capable of loving you or anyone except himself.
Dear dear learning me, Henry’s advice is good because the other woman he is seeing is probably as deep into the fog as you are, and he is probably telling her that you are just a friend, or whatever. He is lying to her as well as you. Unfortunately many of us have not listened when we were warned. I am one of those that has been warned about psychopaths and I didn’t listen to the warnings. I for whatever reason thought that the persons who warned me were wrong. I got into business with a psychopath, later I went to work for one, I was warned both times and I DID NOT LISTEN. In the future believe me if someone warns me about someone else I will be CAUTIOUS, but I know more now than I did then.
Sure, it hurts to admit to ourselves that we have been conned, that we have stayed while it continued, but is staying with him longer going to make you feel any better in the end? I felt like a complete fool being conned, I beat up on myself, but you know what, I DID NOT DESERVE WHAT THEY DID TO ME, and you don’t deserve to be lied to either. You DESERVE THE BEST because you have a heart and you can love. It hurts when we give so much and get back so little.
Why do they do that? BECAUSE THEY CAN and because they enjoy the game and the control and the con game. “Let me see how many women I can get to believe me, and I can sleep with them all, just keep telling them I love them.” They have no conscience, no remorse, just out for themselves. YOU DESERVE BETTER! No one deserves to be used and abused and lied to.
Someone on here said that “love is giving someone the power to break your heart and trusting them not to” (I can’t remember who said it but it is soooo true!) Can you trust this man not to break your heart? Hasn’t he already done it?
When I went No Contact with my X-BF who was a P, it broke my heart to do so, but I KNEW I couldn’t fix him, he was using me as just another woman in his harem. I couldn’t take that any more, it hurt too much. But I also knew from past experience with other Ps that if I didn’t get out it would NOT get better but worse.
Hon, I am not trying to “beat you up” (you’re doing a good enough job of that yourself LOL) you are not crazy and you are not stupid, you are just hurt and in pain. I can understand that, and I wish I could wrap my arms about you and hold you while you cried, but all I can do is to type words on a key board and let you know I DO CARE. But it is your life, and your decision, I can only encourage you to take a painful step, one step at a time, for your sake.
Go back and read some of Henry’s early posts (Henry I’m just using you as an example dear, I hope you don’t mind!) he was up and down and all over the place, just like you are now. Just like we all were at one time or another, the way you feel is “normal”—“a normal response to an abnormal situation would be abnormal” The fact that you are up and down over this crazy situation is normal. If you were calm, cool and collected, I would think you were crazy. LOL (joke) I was “totally insane” during all my fear and terror and pain. We call it the “crazymaking” because they make US crazy.
It’s called MAXIMUM STRESS, and it IS that. Take care my dear, and keep your chin up! I have you in my prayers and my thoughts for your healing. (((Big hugs))))
Oxy You can use me as an example anytime. I so relate with learng me. I often feel like my input is not valued because I am a gay man. I know I was being conned, lied too. I wanted to stop the madness but I couldnt let go of that illusion. If I had stopped early on in the relationship it would not have been so bad. But for almost 3 year’s I gave him the benifit of the doubt. It took a big tole on my health and sanity. I am still not over (it) but I am over (him). And this is all about finding our self and reclaiming our identity. Oxy you have indured so much with your son, bf, mom, the death of your husband. I admire you so much. your strong character is a rock for me. If you can continue on with such a great outlook and appreciation for life, then so can I. It was frightening to me to look at what I had let move into my home. I have got to learn from this. I don’t want to miss this chance at becomming a better person, a wiser man. This website has been my salvation. I have bought many self help book’s, I re read my post. I gain strength and wisdom from so many people here. Like somebody said , the information on this website can not be bought.
Dear sweet Henry, thank you so much, youse knows i luvs ya!!!
My step granddaughter is gay, and she is living wiith an abuser who is older than her and it breaks our hearts. Her mom is still not totally reconciled to the fact that she is gay, but the thing all of us hate about it is that she is in an abusive relationship. If it had been an abusive guy she was living with I think her brother would a long time ago have given the guy some “sincere advice to leave”–but because she would interpret it as “because she is gay” not because she is ABUSED we have kept our mouths SHUT tight! In the end, though, we all have to “save ourselves.” No one can do it for us.
Henry, your gentle soul comes across in your posts, and I know this has all been hard for you, as it has been for us all. It gives us an opportunity though to examine ourselves and see what vulnerability is within ourselves that made us be “chosen” for victimhood. I don’t want to ever volunteer for that “honor” again!!
It astounds me sometimes to realize that while I am an “uppity” redneck woman and didn’t take “no crap” off of anyone outside my family, that I couldn’t seem to get it that you don’t have to take it off your family either!
I laugh sometimes til I cry about some of the boundaries I have set for outsiders…and what a glib tongue I have. I am the first one to go to a business manager and ask for the “person who pacifies unhappy customers” and I usually get good results. I have had some doozies though, and they are still family “tales” about how mom did such and such and got results.
One tire store cheated me and sold me an off brand radial tire for my cattle trailer that blew out about about 15 miles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the mechanic’s end, but I DO know that a RADIAL TIRE should not have a TUBE inside it. When I went back to the store the man denied that they had even sold me that tire. I went home and got my receipt and showed him it was a NEW TIRE and bought from his store. He had called me a liar in the store at first because Ididn’t have my receipt at that time and when I went back, they had spelled my name wrong in their computer.
He asked what I wanted to make me happy and I told him a new tire AND my money back AND a public apology in his waiting room where he had called me a liar in front of several customers. I got it ALL.
If he had not done that, I was prepared to put on a sandwich board sign (front and back) that said “This business cheats pore old widder women” and in a patched dress and torn shoes marched up and down in front of his store every hour that it was open for a week.
Had a used airplane salesman who bought a customer’s plane after my husband died and the man who owned the plane owed me $2500 and I would not let the new owner remove the plane until I had my money. He told me he was going to fly it off anyway (He knew the man owed me the money) and that he didn’t have time to waste he had a commercial flight to catch.
Well, I informed him he was on PRIVATE PROPERTY and that I had a mechanic’s lien on the plane and that he should just LEAVE. He said “Well, great, call the law then.” I said, “Nope, we don’t call 911 out here we call Smith and Wesson, now get off my place NOW” In a couple of hours he got his bank towire transfer the money to my bank, and I let him leave with the plane. If he had taken the plane (which at that point he had NO legal right to) I would have lost the mechanic’s lien and been out the money. The man who owed me the money had sent a “POST DATED” CHECK with the used airplane broker, but I would NOT accept it, and by law was not required to. If I had let the man leave and the other guy canceled the check or put a stop payment on it, I would have been out the money.
I never had any trouble setting boundaries or getting merchants to honor their guarentees, and mostly they do it willingly and I always START OUT nice until they get nasty, then I go into high gear….but I was NEVER able to do that with my family or anyone I loved. I was mashed potatoes, weak as a kitten, gave in over and over, felt guilty if I didn’t.
So no matter how “strong” you really are, if you don’t exercise that strength and USE it, you get walked over like a door mat.
It is just like I’ve said before about the Oxen, they learn to obey when you are “bigger than they are” and it never dawns on them when they are grown that they weight 2,000 pounds and you weight 150 and they could wipe you out with a gentle swipe of their horns, but they DON’T KNOW HOW STRONG they are. We have to learn our own strength and start using it for our own protection.
I never realized I could stand up to my mother, could tell her that she is WRONG and I am RIGHT and that’s the way it is. Just like the oxen learned from me that I was the “boss” and “always right” they never questioned my commands, just did them. I never ever thought my own mother could have malice in her heart for me, or be so enraged at me that if looks could have killed I would have melted on the spot.
NOW I know how strong I am, I have validated it MYSELF. It is only when we can validate ourselves, I think, not depend on someone else to validate our truths that we can really use our strenths. At first it may take someone else giving you encouragement to do what your gut is telling you to, but in the end, we all have to make our own decisions, validate ourselves and use our strength.
I have watched you, Henry, for these three months or so, and how you have grown, blossomed like a rose, come out of your caccoon and spread your wings. It gives me great pleasure to know that you are doing so much better, that now you are able to encourage others. To reach out a hand to other people where you were just a few months ago.
This IS a painful journey, but at the same time, it is rewarding when peace and hope can come out of something so horrible. When we can look beyond today and see a brighter tomorrow for ourselves and for each other. (((Big Hugs you big lug)))) And, NO you cna’t have my 30 yr old BF –when I find him—LOL
Henry…
Your input does matter. The fact that you are gay does not take away the fact that you have feelings. U are no different then anyone else…well you are like us…you got fooled by a man…..lol… anyways, I will take all the input I can get and thank you to all that is helping me in this journey. I wish I could respond to some of the blogs here but I dont think I am in the place to give advice yet.
I will say that I have not spoken to him. He has called all through out the day but not once did I pick up. It is really hard. But I just read another comment on another site from a female that he has been planning a wedding with. Wow this year long relationship has just been one big lie. I just dont get it. He is sooo nice when he comes to visit me. He just made things were taking care of at my apt and with my car. When visiting we went out did many things…although he did always have is phone on silent and such…
anyways…its just wierd to just stop contact without telling him why..
Dear Learning me,
Keep in mind, HE KNOWS WHY!!! He knows because he has been down this path before—I will bet ya—and because he eventually gets “found out” he knows he has been found out. You have already talked to him about these other women, he knows you KNOW. So he is not stupid. Nasty, selfish, mean, and a lot of other things, but not stupid. He knows he has been plahing you and though he may not want it to end (he has a good thing going with multiple women on the hook) He KNOWS.
This is not a “polite social situation” you are in, you are involved in a deceptive CON GAME for HIS PLEASURE and your pain. Hon, you don’t owe him ANYTHING not even a “kiss off”
I am so glad that you have been strong and not answered the phone. I know it takes strength but you did it today and just take it one day at a time, one ring at a time if you have to. Turn the phone ringer off, or block his number if you can.
So many times, learningme, I wanted to write my son and tell him how he had hurt me, what a piece of crap he was, I wanted to ‘tell him off but good” and I wrote the letters and never mailed them.
Before I decided to go NC with him, I wrote him long letters begging him to get off my back, telling him how he was hurting me, how I was TIRED from so much grief, how I could no longer stand up emotionally or physically to the stress and the grief, that I needed NEEDED TIME to get myself together. You know what he did with those letters? He used them to help convince my mother I was crazy….and I WAS CRAZY. Crazy with grief, crazy with pain that wouldn’t quit, crazy with demands from my mother to do this for her (that she could have done herself or waited for a day or two) and crazy with my DIL getting up in my face, crazy with the Trojan Horse P drugging my mother and convinceing her I was after her money….sure, I was crazy. Crazy with pain. Crazy with TIRED.
Staying away from them, not listening to them, is the only way to not rip scabs off the wounds over and over and start the blood flowing. As long as they can spew the toxic venom in your ear the pain will go on. At first it is painful not to have contact, but it gets easier I promise you it will get easier.
It is like an addiction. You are looking for a “fix” just like a heroin addict or a drunk needing a drink…it is chemical, emotional and physical symptoms…BUT you are strong, you can take back the power you gave him, you have already proven how strong you are today by not answering the phone.
Henry will tell you I HARPED AND HARPED ON HIM. But it worked, it works when you don’t listen to them. In just a few months Henry has grown and GROWN and become so much stronger, taken back his power and is on the journey to healing and peace. Go back to the old archives here and read and read and learn, there is so much wonderful information here and links. Post as often as you need to, before you talk to him come here and post and wait for an answer before you pick up the phone. There is almost someone here 24/7 and we will hold your hand, support you and help you through it all. We can’t do it for you, but we will be here for you. (((Big hugs)) and always, prayers.
Dear Oxy,
I do believe you have been outposted! (on the thread about GoingForward) HAHA! I know I can say this to you because you always seem to have humor about life and yourself… and I like how you tell animal stories.
Humor aside now. That was painful. I did not call anyone stupid and I don’t think I was being superior at all and being compared to an abuser… well, I am speechless. I don’t even know what to say to that. I guess I was put in my place, wasn’t I?
I was working diligently on some articles but now I don’t feel like it… like who am I to share?! I wonder all the time anyway if I really have anything important to say. I really want to help people so again.. to be compared to an abuser??? Was that in the spirit of helping me?
Thanks for standing up for me. I don’t post as much as I used to but I think you do understand my spirit. I may be spunky and outspoken and I joke around too… maybe if a reader has not read my articles, they might not get my tone.
Anyway, it’s really late and I have to work tomorrow. Have a nice day on the farm… don’t kill any animals you big meanie! JUST KIDDING! (see? I am getting my spirit back!)
Learning Me- Thanks for letting me know you want my imput. So the dude is planning a wedding? It just fries my mind at what these parasite’s are capable of. Does he make you feel sorry for him? My x did the pity thing with the crocodile tear’s all the time, he even attempted suicide once while with me and has scar’s on his wrist from previous attempt’s before I knew him. I dont know if you have been reading my post, but my X would turn his cell phone on silent when he was here. Later I found out he had a bizarre sexual addiction and was writing his number on mens room walls. Yeah he was on the prowl for sex and attention all the time. He even had men here at my home while I was at work. After he left the final last time, strange men where showing up here looking for him. All the while he was doing this he was confessing his love for me, telling me i was the best thing that ever happened to him. Anyway one reason I am up so late tonite is I have had a realization about my X. I realize I never did love Mike. From the beginning I knew something wasnt right about him, his action’s didnt match his words. He was disrespectful, decietful, not interested in me, only him and his need’s. But he kinda ended up here at my place because his x kicked him out and he was somewhat homless. So he began the mirroring me, listening to me tell him what I wanted in a relationship and he tryed to become that. Even when mike was at his most loveing and caring to me, I never felt like I was in love with him. It was pity I felt, sorry for him, I wanted to help him get his life together. And even when I held him at nite, I had no feelings of genuine love for him, because deep down I knew he was not being real. So I kept my gaurd up. I never fell in love with him. I fell for his game, I got confused, I was in the fog. The main reason he was here almost 3 years is because I felt sorry for him. So I realize tonite that I feel guilty that I didn’t love him. I know I am not making sense but I became responsible for him because of his manipulation. I felt sorry for him and responsible, something inside me was going crazy. It got worse and worse and at times he was violent. I dinnt know at this time he was a sociopath with a borderline personality disorder, I just thought he was f–ked up. The confusion affected my life in a very bad way. I lost twenty pound’s, I am filing bankruptsy because of him. When I finally broke mentally and was having money problems he moved on and left me here in big pile of confusion. I had to do the no contact thing. I had to be forcefull with him and told him to go away and never come back. Learning Me there are alot more fish in the sea than these bottom feeder’s. You and I need to get our chit together, kick them to the curb and go fishing for someone real…