Understanding helps us heal from our painful experiences. Understanding also helps us avoid repeating those experiences. What is understanding? Understanding is knowledge gained by our higher-verbal brain that helps it to manage our lower non-verbal brain. Understanding is, therefore, a path to our own impulse control. In the next few weeks, I am going to present a series on the science of motivation. I hope that a new understanding of motivation will help you in your quest for healing.
Where does motivation come from?
The first thing to understand about motivation is that it does not originate in our higher verbal brain (the cerebral cortex). It originates in our non-verbal, lower brain or limbic system. This part of the brain performs the functions of what Freud called the unconscious mind.
The unconscious mind is very much like wind. It is unseen yet very powerful. We know it exists because we see its effects and we can feel it. Yet, we do not know exactly where its force is coming from. Just as an experienced sailor uses his understanding of the wind to travel, one who understands motivation can use its energy to go far.
Motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure
Motivation research began with the discovery of the fact that rats will press a bar to obtain various rewards. This discovery allowed scientists to study motivation in mathematical terms. For the first time, we had a measure of desire and therefore motivation. If a rat pressed a bar many times, he showed a strong desire for a particular reward. With these measures we discovered that motivation starts with the anticipation of pleasure. Something about pleasure is rewarding in that pleasure causes behaviors to be repeated.
We soon discovered that all the things that act as rewards and that increase motivated behavior are sources of pleasure. These things are food/water, sex, entertainment, possessions, affection, social dominance and substances of abuse. When a behavior causes us to get these things, we repeat that behavior. Thus, by some brain process, an association is made between an action and its outcome—getting a source of pleasure. All rewards influence motivation by affecting the same brain process.
Pleasure is necessary for learning an association between action and obtaining reward. This association, once made, causes behaviors to be repeated. Repeated behaviors are motivated behaviors. Pleasure, therefore, is the beginning of motivation. The things that give us pleasure are necessary for survival and we physically need them. We want and crave these things and we like them because they are sources of pleasure.
Needing, wanting and liking
There is an interesting interplay between needing, wanting and liking. For example, when a person is starving, food is much needed, and thus very pleasurable. Food becomes less needed, and thus less pleasant, for someone who has already eaten. The motivation for a particular type of reward is not constant but waxes and wanes, as does the pleasure from that reward. One piece of chocolate, for instance, can be quite tasty and rewarding. But even a chocolate connoisseur will probably only experience disgust if he or she is forced to eat two pounds of chocolate at once!
Recently, scientists trying to understand addiction have discovered something truly remarkable. That is, although pleasure is required to establish a behavior pattern, pleasure is not required to maintain that behavior pattern. Wanting related behaviors can occur in the absence of pleasure and are called compulsions. The bottom line is that wanting to do something and liking to do that something are not the same.
Cues from the environment become associated with pleasure in the early stages of establishing a motivated behavior. Later, these cues trigger wanting to do the behavior even in the absence of pleasure obtained by that behavior. Addiction is the best model for understanding this aspect of motivated behavior. Long after the addict has stopped feeling pleasure from the addictive substance, things that remind him of using trigger drug cravings and the compulsion to use. The brain pathways that are active in craving, wanting and pursuing addictive drugs are the same ones involved in all motivated behavior. This is why addiction affects all motivated behavior.
Motivation and healing from a relationship with a sociopath
Where am I going with all this psychology? I am trying to convince you that your compulsion to be with a sociopath can continue even after the relationship has stopped giving you pleasure. The sociopath knows instinctively that all he/she has to do is hook you in the initial pleasure phase, and you will continue to feel a compulsion to be with him/her. Sociopaths typically change in their relationships once they sense the other person is hooked or attached.
Just as cues trigger craving in addicts, reminders of the sociopath can trigger a longing for that initial relationship. Furthermore, just as complete abstinence is the only hope for recovery from addiction, staying away from the sociopath is the beginning of recovery.
Even though the maintenance of addiction and attachment to an undesirable person are the same, I do not believe that attachment to a sociopath is a sign there is something wrong with you. The sociopath and the substances of abuse hijack a brain pathway meant to serve survival. Once hijacked, the survival system becomes a path to destruction.
If a sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, start to break the compulsion today. Use your conscious mind and stay away from the person, don’t answer emails or phone calls. Remove from your life as much as possible reminders of the relationship. Distract yourself with other pleasures. Lastly, do not isolate yourself from other people. Since the sociopath has hijacked your attachment pathway, if you are “starved” for affection, your craving for him/her will only increase if you are lonely.
Next week we will discuss the brain pathways and hormones involved in the love bond.
Dear Henry,
Great post (from me who rarely posts but reads almost daily and follows all your stories)!
I especially liked : “…but I became responsible for him because of his manipulation.” Very well expressed, and I identify strongly!
I lost about 13lbs (in around only 3 months of the six months in total of seeing this scumbag) – and went from slim to almost gaunt – under the stress of it all, but did not realize at the time what was happening to me.
Re-diagnosing in the past few days (how many rediagnoses have there been?), I have also arrived at psychopathy + BPD.
Good luck with your fishing for “someone real”. I haven’t dared let myself think about this seriously yet and it’s been two years.
Dear Free: This blog is a process to get back to a peacefulness in our hearts and souls and to allow us to be the best that we can be.
Every one is on their own level of what pain was thrown into their lives. It allows all of us, no matter what works, in our own unique form to release the pain and move forward.
Peace to your heart and soul. Since you wrote this to Donna on an open forum, I thought I’d interject my opinion.
AMR your statement ( but did not realize at the time what was happening to me) I relate so much. I didn’t want him here but I did. I think keeping us stressed and confused is part of the game. I diagnosed Mike as a cluster B, I don’t know if you have read (Learning from Madness) by richard skerrit but I recommend it. You will have to order it online, but it helps to understand what motivates people with these personality disorder’s, and it helped me diagnose him. I am not a physcologist but it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to recognize specific trait’s and habit’s in people. I was alway’s confused as to why am I putting up with this? I knew deep down I was being manipulated. But I felt guilty because in a sence I was lieing too, I didn’t love him, but I was trying too, and I was trying not to. This realization has kinda set me free in a way. Kinda like yeah I was confused and manipulated, but underneath all that I was trying desperatly to hang on too me.
Dear Aloha,
Don’t quit writing your articles, I love your unique way of seeing things….it’s different from mine, and that brings a freshness and another facet to the gems you come up with.
This is kind of a difficult week for me, and I am sorry that some others in their pain and distress took what we offered in love as an attack. That happens sometimes, and especially in cyberspace. I think my analogy of the little dog, hit by a car and injured, lying on the street and when you went to pick it up to take it to the vet, it would likely reach out and in its pain, bite you. Especially if it wasn’t your dog, but sometimes even our own pet dogs would bite us. I don’t hold it against any dog that is injured and hurting and scared if when I reach out to help them they react with aggression. That’s just kind of a “normal” reaction. I’ve done it myself. Once I fell down some stairs and really thumped my shin, had an orange-sized hematoma rise up. The pain was awful, I coudn’t breathe it was so bad, and my husband reached out to take my hand and help me up and I screamed “Don’t touch me!”
All my years of working with patients who are in great pain has given me an awareness of how pain effects us all. How stress and emotional pain effect us. And sometimes it isn’t pretty. I had a patient once who was a wonderful man, so sweet, but we were having to wake him up every fifteen minutes round the clock to care for his physical needs and as a result he became sleep deprived. He was not confused, but just sleep deprived, and he became so aggressive he would take swings at us and when he ran out of curse words he knew, he started making them up! LOL None of the nurses got mad at him for this behavior or even scolded him for this, because we KNEW it was a normal and natural reaction to the pain and sleep deprivation. Two good nights sleep and he was back to being his wonderful sweet self.
I know that we all get cranky from time to time with stress, and even from sleep deprivation—I know I couldn’t sleep right, not restfull sleep, when I was in the worst of my cricses and that also tends to make us more cranky. Our worlds become so egocentric and small when we are under stress. The crazymaking that goes on in the P-experience and afterwards when we are so wounded is a difficult time for us to try to see the bigger scope of things.
After I moved away from my P-bio-father, I was only 19, and I was totally crushed and confused. I did not even have an idea what “train” had hit me. What had been DONE to me, and WHY! I just couldn’t comprehend it. I tried to talk to my mother, to my friends, and NO ONE could understand. I finally kept my experience inside me because I did realize that no one but me “got it.” It took me a loooong time to come to some peace over it, but I still didn’t understand what “train” had hit me. There was still buried anger and rage and confusion. It is only NOW 40 years later that I have processed what actually happened. Only now I can see the big picture of a life time of dysfunctional relationships with Ps. With the programming I got from my mother + the ps in the family + my reactions to them=enlightenment of it all.
No wonder I was vulnerable to the Ps. Yet, I can accept my own part in my lack of boundaries. I don’t beat myself up any longer about not having appropriate boundaries, but I do realize I didn’t have appropriate boundaries. Understanding my own lack of boundaries in CERTAIN SITUATIONS gave me the key to opening the Pandora’s box of all these old, buried, horrible memories and cleansing my soul from their ugliness.
Learning new ways of coping with pain, learning new ways to prevent pain, going out into the world cautious but not paranoid, loving myself, realizing that I DON’T deserve to be disrespected. Truly realizing what an amazing person I AM. Finally feeling that I DESERVE to be loved, just for me, not for what I DO for people. It’s a journey, and at times a painful one, and I try not to think about the “time I’ve wasted” being unhappy and not knowing why. Without ALL the experiences, both good and bad, I would not be WHO I am TODAY. And who I am TODAY is a pretty amazing person. Not perfect. Never will be, but still amazing and powerful and strong. Loving and caring. Kind and compassionate. But NOBODY’S FOOL. I want to go on growing, seeking knowledge and enlightenment. ((((Aloha))))
Dear Aloha,
I would add my voice too. Sometime ago I offended a poster here. I took from her words that she was wanting encouragement concerning a relationship with God. I’m not a religionist, but she took what I was saying as trying to cram my religion down her throat. That wasn’t my intent. I backed away to rethink my thinking. It was just a speed bump. She took what I said out of context and I figured I’d just make it worse by trying to explain and defend myself.
The one man who could or could not be a sociopath, said something to me one time that really made sense coming from him. I had berated him for something he said to me, and his response was, “the impact was not my intent”. That was probably the only thing he said that made sense. Whether he meant it or not, it could apply here, too.
Just from reading what you write and the pain you endured, you are a caring person and you would just want to put your hand out to ease the fall of someone else. Were you a vindictive person, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t expose your own life for all to see. What we say isn’t always received. Sometimes the message we have to say, affects some and falls on deaf ears of others. I went through many years of my life thinking I had to befriend everyone and please everyone. I set myself up for a major let down.
A natural fixer wants everyone to be happy and to try it “this” way. For me, I glean something from all people. I admit, I sometimes turn a deaf ear, but not often. I receive it, digest it, and use what I can and the rest passes.
From my years as a wife, I despaired of ever speaking again. Nothing I said made a difference. I’ve learned that not everyone hears. They listen, but don’t hear. It’s not the fault of the speaker. It’s what the listener is wanting to hear. They reject some and accept others. It’s taken me time, but I’m learning to not take it personally. And if we can impact 9 people and one walks away, our work isn’t in vain. Neither is yours. There are still lots of people who can benefit from your experience. As long as there are people, there’s going to be hurting people who just don’t get it. Someone has to get the word out.
I’d like to comment to Oxy, AlohaT, Lilygirl, Free and All, and I apologize for my slow response. I wrote it but wanted to think on it overnight before I posted.
Lovefraud is a public site, with many members in various emotional stages. It is a community in support of those affected by sociopathic behavior. Lovefraud has been here for quite some time and surprisingly with little disturbance on these community blogs. That is laudable. We are mostly self moderated here, free to post as we choose, but within reason. But this is not individualized professional therapy nor is this site similar in format to Kathy’s where Kathy directly guided and responded to individual questions and needs.
When you post on a public site, you invite public comment. That’s just how it works. But no one should EVER have to fear an attack. Period. Oxy and AlohaT have been posting here for a long time and their heartfelt concern for others has always been obvious to all and their intent is beyond reproach. Frankly, I was appalled and sorrowful when I read Lilygirl’s post. The most important and obvious difference, to me and I’d guess to most other regular posters as I’ve read, between Lilygirl’s abuser and AlohaT and Oxy, though it may be difficult to grasp because of imperfect presentations and concepts of growth, is intent.
Lilygirl has been hurt and abused, but she is not the only one who has been and that does not give her or anyone lease to strike out in anger and retaliation. If advice given here wasn’t beneficial and instead Lilygirl felt controlled, Oxy and AlohaT still did not deserve Lilygirl’s misplaced attempt at reprimanding their good intentions in the manner she chose.
If Lilygirl felt accosted she had several choices, she could have stated so, and explained why clearly, but without the malice. She writes well and has no trouble expressing her feelings in other instances. I believe the group would have responded very appropriately. I didn’t see the control either, but we are not mind readers nor are we professionals.
And Free, I didn’t see the post questioning you, but I don’t see these responses this morning as bullying either. They are in response to a disruption Lilygirl created. It’s not about grace, I think they’ve given that, time and again. And they didn’t viciously attack back, more grace. I think it is about them defending their boundaries against being attacked, everyone’s necessary right, and reestablishing their normal flow on this site. We’ll have to agree to disagree.
No contact, which seemed to initiate all this, is a common theme expressed here often by the site founders themselves and it too was given without malice or the intent to control anyone. It’s just good advice. Discussing the how’s and why’s is for another time, but it is a most important behavior to investigate. But instead Lilygirl retaliated in anger, and that hurt Oxy and AlohaT, which was obviously her intent.
Not everyone is going to agree here and not everyone is at the same place or needing the same support, but advice given doesn’t necessarily signify control or judgment, it’s opinion, sometimes strong opinion, sometimes lengthy opinion. Take in what helps and ignore what doesn’t. If you discuss, do so with respect. If you can’t do that, then perhaps a public site isn’t a good idea for you. That’s what we are all learning here, good from bad intent and healthier ways to relate. We have a right to our opinions and the right to disagree with anyone on here, but we don’t have the right to harm others. This is not the place for additional drama, conflict, or games. This is a place for open, honest, and considerate discussion for the benefit of all, not one, all. I will also relay that Lilygirl’s behavior reminds me of my abuser’s behavior and having to walk on egg shells if I wanted to avoid a rage or an attack, in his effort for attention or for control. No one here should have to walk on egg shells.
We have been provided a wonderful service by some wise, caring, and dedicated women who expend a great deal of effort to make this site successful for all of us. When we post, we owe it to the generosity of the originators to keep it respectful. If we don’t, past history here assures me that these originators will. They provide this wonderful public service, and I think our attitude and manners should reflect our appreciation.
I look at this unfortunate conflict as opportunity. Lilygirl and Free, your posts are enlightening and worthy. Free, I don’t like to see anyone leave, then we all may miss growth opportunities in both giving and receiving. I’d like to see everyone take a breath, take another look inside, and for now put any anger and hurt aside, and practice some acceptance. Acceptance is like grace, undeserved merit. Acceptance is sometimes difficult, but if you don’t give it you can’t demand or expect it in return. Oxy and AlohaT have both apologized for causing unintentional harm and they are moving on. I think they’ve done their part. No one wishes Lilygirl harm here, and I am confident in making that statement for all. Life is full of choices, I hope we can all learn to make good ones.
I found my answer to Matt. 5:39, a passage that had always troubled me. It is the passage that talks about turning the other cheek. It’s not a message that we should allow abuse as I had once interpreted, as there are many other passages also reiterating that. The greater message I now understand is that when we turn the other cheek, that first response is to show no desire for retaliation, but instead that we choose to give another chance.
Godspeed, Benz
Dear Benz and Apt/Mgr,
Thank you both for your very insightful and thoughtful posts. Any time you have conflict there is always opportunity for growth. I have no doubt that Lilygirl is in great and deep pain from her P-eperience and she mentioned other conflicts from her childhood, those all seem to come together at the time of your worst pain and increase it even more. I truly was not offended by her outburst, first off because I knew where she was coming from. I was sorry that she was in such pain that she perceived me and/or Aloha as attacking her and that in that perception, she struck back. I do hope that she and Free will take some deep breaths and come back here, because there IS so much healing and understanding here. But I also realize that sometimes it takes a few false steps to get on the right path to healing. I know I have made MORE than a FEW false steps in getting to where I am finally feeling that I am at least on the right road.
You are so right Benz about the Matt. 5:39 passage. Isn’t it amazing how with the FOG GONE we can see the spiritual messages in the Bible so much more clearly?
I am very grateful to everyone who takes the time to post comments on this blog, and offer insights to other readers. OxDrover and AlohaTraveler make wonderful contributions, as do all of you–I don’t want to start naming names, because I’m sure to overlook some and I don’t want anyone to feel slighted.
Just know that I am in awe of the love and caring that you all show to each other, people from all over the world whom we know only through screen names. I am touched by the honesty and willingness to share. I know from the e-mail I receive–beyond what is posted in the public blog–that we are making a difference in many shattered lives.
Thank you all.
I truly appreciate all that have come out of the woodwork to issue little gestures of support. This means a great deal to me.
I feel a bit misunderstood at the moment. It is painful when someone even implies that I am “intolerable.” I was feeling like I was some kind villain. I was surprised to be singled out as someone that has driven another reader away.
I think there is a lesson here for me about those rusty old boundaries that I have. It is hard to refrain from defending myself when I am being compared to an abuser over and over. I don’t understand this. I know I mentioned the same thing to another reader so that might sound hypocritical. But, I appreciate that Benz was willing to say that she picked up the tone and intent of the attack on me and acknowledged it. I was wondering if I was the only person that felt that way? Thanks Benz. I needed that.
I also want to clarify that my question to FREE was about that very thing. I surprised that she didn’t come to my defense, just a little. I thought she “knew” me better than that and would not misunderstand my intentions. I see that several other readers “know” me well enough to realize that an attack on another reader would be out of character for me.
I would never want to hurt anyone at LoveFraud or anyone at all, to be honest. I think of LF as my community and my people. This is the only place where I can talk about the Bad Man without feeling judged. I have yet to have one satisfying conversation about the Bad Man with anyone outside of this forum. People don’t understand. And to use one of my favorite sayings, “They don’t know, what they don’t know.” But here, we do know.
I am truly sorry if anything I said made another reader feel invalidated. For my own peace of mind, I have to say one more time, this was never my intention but I am sorry that someone experienced my comments in that way.
I had switched threads to get away from what felt like continual jabs at me, the LF Bad Girl. But again, my comments and intentions were misinterpreted. In the future, I will be more careful with my words and know that there is always the chance that someone won’t get me.
There’s a lot more I could say, but I won’t. I do not want this issue to fester.
Thanks again to all the wonderful people here, and by the way, I think ALL of the people here are wonderful and I have learned something from everyone who has dared to post their thoughts…. so thank you, thank you, thank you…
Today, I sign off by sending you all my Aloha!
The word “Aloha” is made up for two parts: “alo” and “ha”. “Alo” means face to face presence and “Ha” mean “the breath of life.” In sharing “my Aloha” with you, I am sharing my breath, my presence, my essence. I give you my “ha”… the breathe of life.
I still love Hawaii. :o)
A Hui Hou!
(Until we meet again)
I am back already… I just wanted to say a random thought. I love Oxy’s stories about the farm and the neighborhood squabbles.
For me, her stories bring her points to life. I rather like imagining her on the farm with the animals and such.
And as other readers share the details of their lives, they come to be full characters in 3-D. I liked hearing Lilygirl talk about her son and sitting on the porch with him, talking about life and healing.
And Beverly at the Church Social, treating her S as though he was a potted plant in the corner. I love this!
The way people share here is so rich.
Thanks again to all.
Aloha