Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Andrew18.
My ex wife was emotionally abusive throughout marriage. She had female “friends” throughout marriage of 21 yrs. Every weekend she went out with them and left me to watch kids. Played mind games of saying I should discipline kids but when I did she would overrule it and let kids off every time. She loved humiliating me in front of others by saying how she almost left me after our first born because she didn’t need me but decided to stay for our child. Love was a carrot to dangle in front of me. Be a better husband and maybe she would not be mean to me. She regularly would slap my arm or leg if she didn’t like something I said or did.
On the night before our 21st anniversary, with me working on the road, she told me that she wanted a divorce by text. During the last year of our marriage she had affected me so much that I was put in a psychiatric facility for depression. I told the doctors that she did not love me and was using me/ planning on leaving me and she sweet talked them to the point they thought that I was delusional and paranoid. When she left, my doctor looked me in the eye and admitted it and said I was right.
She got WORSE during the divorce. After much fighting, I got 50% visitation. 2 yrs later, I had back surgery, went to the courts for a temporary stay of alimony until I could work again. She went nuts. I told my new wife that ex would not be happy until I was dead. I could not have been more right.
Her lawyer tried to subpoena all my mental health records to claim that I was an unfit parent due to my depression. The stress became too much, the fear the cops would show up with an emergency order to take my kids (16 & 14 at the time). I attempted suicide by overdose of 60+ Percocet on February 18, 2017. Her lawyers got an ex parte order barring unsupervised contact with my daughters.
My 16 yr old OD’ed on Vistaril (she was taking for anxiety and for cutting, both of which only happened at ex’s house) and her lawyer prevented me seeing my daughter in the hospital. When it looked like I would get my daughters back, ex had my oldest make a claim that I abused her. When that claim appeared to be meritless, suddenly another claim was made that I sexually assaulted the same daughter (that never happened). When that claim came up, I finally had to sell things to pay for a lawyer.
Lawyer worked out a deal that ex would not have to pay back $10k in alimony that she received based on stating she worked at 1 place for $x when she actually worked for the state insurance company and made more than I did. In return, I had to agree to never see my kids and to only have contact should they reach out.
This deal was signed on the weekend she came back to the state to meet with the state prosecutor (she moved without court permission or notifying me) and when they told her that they did not have enough evidence and wanted her to call me on a recorded line, she told them she was tired of the whole thing and just wanted to drop it (coincidentally when we reached an agreement).
My daughters are now with her all the time, and from knowing how she treats them, I am sure they are raising themselves. I have not talked to them and I presume that she has never told them they can reach out to me.
Andrew18, I am so sorry for your experience; that you were taken to your emotional limit. I hope, despite no contact with your children, that you are finding your way to some level of health and calm.
There is such a price to pay when we are targeted by these awful people. But I have to say, and I am not a parent, that the cost of our children surely must be the worst.
Slim
I am healing. But a part of me will always be broken. I am a husk the person that I was died in that hospital room. I lost my children and I lost myself. My current wife is the only family that I have left, I can never trust my children again. Some days are better than others and today….. well today is not a good mental health day.
I was in an abusive marriage for 29 years; when I finally ‘bailed out’..our 3 sons chose his side of the story. That’s been almost 20 years ago. I have little if any contact with any of them or their children. I had NO choice but to let go and move on, with my life. No one ever told me, that someone would turn their kids against them, but he certainly did. Its still painful, at times (especially when family holidays like Xmas/Thanksgiving/Easter, etc come along)..I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Do what you can, to heal and take care of yourself. You’ve had enough grief.
Thank you for your kind words and your understanding. I am sorry that you too had to live with this pain, but I cannot lie and say that it does not give me some peace to know that there is someone out there who knows what I am feeling and has managed to live through it. Thank you for giving me hope that I may too be able to go on.
Know I am treading on thin ice here, and this may not be political correct, but I suspect your wife may have been bisexual or lesbian, and used you as a “beard,” (marriage to the opposite sex in order to appear heterosexual in order to appear heterosexual for career and family reasons), and for financial support.
monicapz – yes, that is possible. But she certainly sounds sociopathic, and as I’ve written before on Lovefraud, sociopaths often will have sex with anyone.
You are not treading on thin ice, you are reading the situation 100% correct. After we separated, and the fog of all the mind games were off, boy did signs line up. She had a string of lovers while we were married and I paid for her to go on dates all while thinking she was just out with a friend every. single. weekend.
Oh, no….My husband has turned the tables on me and is accusing ME of being the sociopath! Now, I understand why he’s saying I’m a lesbian….I developed MS symptoms and brain lesions and sex became so painful. He was angry with me, not concerned. He got into heavy illegal drug use. After 25 years of marriage, my going to counseling and seeking advice and so many prayers, I filed for divorce. My husband’s rage became more abusive and he threatened my lawyer and myself with murder. Yet, now he’s saying I made that up and I’m the crazy one. He stopped all payments on our rent and Bill’s, except for his, got a new apartment in another county, out of the purview of child protection, and is waiting until this weekend when I have to leave them in his care. I can’t support myself yet. I don’t know if I can hold down a job. I never finished my degree. I homeschooled our kids, 17 and 13. A boy with ASD, and a girl. I looked into shelters. They’re full. My parents’ will take the kids and me in, but they are in the next state over. My husband refuses to let the kids go. I’m heartbroken but don’t want to put the kids through a “war.” I didn’t want to get 100% custody. I was trying to do 50/50 but he’s trying to get 100% and also wants to get child support from either my disability(if I eventually qualify) or job. He’s very bitter. I kept giving him chance after chance, pleading with him to get therapy…..He kept saying I didn’t support him enough. I don’t know how I could have done more when I got so very sick and he was so very abusive.
andrew18,
Have you considered medication and counseling, to help you with your ongoing feelings of sadness (depression?). I know this isn’t a solution for everyone, but it can be helpful if you feel up for it. I was on medication for some months, and while it didn’t fix all my negative feelings, it did give me a bit of relief. I actually think talking with a therapist (I saw a Master’s in Social Work therapist) was the biggest help. I talked with her about malignant narcissism, and she understood that, and was able to understand the level of despair I was experiencing.
I also found long walks, I know that sounds kind of simple, were super helpful.
Glad to see you are checking in here….we understand how long it can take to regain some feelings of wholeness.
Slim