Editor’s note: The following was written by “Cajungirl.”
I found my “knight in shining armor” as a single mom of a six-month-old baby. My boyfriend was too good to be true to myself and my son. I fell in love quickly and soon life was easier and we settled into home life.
Three years later I am pregnant with my second child and decided to marry the man I loved.
He traveled 4-5 days a week so we decided I would be the at-home caregiver.
My relationship changed abruptly when I began to feel isolated and out of touch. I had to fight for a part time job to have a social outlet. I was a fine dining server and enjoyed the easy money that was mine. I had to work only when my husband was home to take care of the kids.
The arguing began — “worthless piece of s..t, crazy b…h, I don’t give a f..k about you, you don’t deserve, and so on.” This began taking a subtle toll on my soul.
I became fearful.
I desired to take the boys and divorce this monster I was in love with, but my husband was a good provider and his job enabled our family to travel the world. My husband was very charismatic, super engaging and handsome.
I began to pretend we were a happy family while crumbling inside.
I was the sole disciplinarian of our two children teaching responsibility. The rewards I received as the mother of these two wonderful boys made me proud.
I had no idea how much my tolerating verbal, psychological and emotional abuse from the man I loved would influence, so greatly, our mother/son bonds today.
My sons are now 25 and 29 with professional careers and happy relationships with the women they love.
They don’t respect their mother at all.
I had the courage and strength after 28 years of loving a spath to save myself.
I am free of my past, empowered by my voice, and loving myself again.
My therapy will continue as my boys and I need to heal together as we all approach a spiritual path together.
I am proud I have my sanity after surviving living with the devil for so long!
Cajungirl – So many women (and men) stay with their disordered partners, thinking they are doing it “for the children.” And then they lose the children.
This is why it is so important for people to know that sociopaths exist. We need to know that the only really recovery comes from leaving them.
I am glad that you finally got away, and are working on your personal recovery. I hope you’ll be able to rebuild your relationship with your kids.
Donna, you are absolutely correct in saying that years are devoted for the children, under the duress of abuse, only to lose those children when finally free of the sociopath. Cajungirl, it is utterly unfair that you should pay this price. I had many children with a sociopathic husband who was often unemployed under the guise of his religious calling. I ended up largely supporting them through my work as a nurse. Any attempts to bring responsibility and accountability yielded abuse. The children heard me demeaned and witnessed the exploitation. I finally left, but I became the husband’s target for character assassination. I am accused of trying to “break up the family”. So out of many children, I’ve lost many of my children in varying degrees. Also, there is a strong genetic link causing sociopathic personality. Some of the children inherited this predisposition and seem unable to feel empathy. So the children can be lost in two ways. I am doing what I can to restore peace and financial stability in my own life. I try to maintain “no contact” with a man I’ve been separated from for 8 years. This increased set of boundaries brought about so much more slander from the husband. But I will survive. But the main point is to say that I recognize your suffering, Cajungirl, and hope that over time your relationships with the children are restored.
Cherith10 – God bless you. Our stories are so similar, but my kids of the P are so young right now, minds being twisted and hearts being trampled as we speak – their mother uses them and hurts them to get a reaction from me all the time… and I fear after this looooong fight I will end up losing them, because I always lose that which matters most to me in my heart, even though I will fight to the death to protect them. I would give my soul for them – I feel I have and trying to find a soul again. I abandoned it. Now I need it back in order to keep fighting! Good for you – you have been through so much you deserve the best this world has to offer. I praise your strength and I hug your heart from the digital realm.
cherith10
You are so right. This is what I believe has happened with my children, specifically my daughter. My ex made her believe she could do no wrong in his eyes. She got LOTS of approval for being his ally, for ridiculing me, for telling gossip to others about me. I was the “mean mom” because I had standards. I was No Fun. I had rules. You know, those awful rules, about doing homework, about honesty, and treating others with dignity, about self care and self respect being more important than self esteem (that there was a difference between self absorbing self esteem and healthy self esteem that flowed naturally when a person acted with integrity and self respect). My husband intervened with every morality lesson I wanted to teach my daughter, that she was capable of choices and responsible for her choices, that there was redemption and learning for wrong choices but that we are not excused to be mean or commit crime against others just because we have power over them. ANd of course, when my child was pre-teen and teen, it was SO EASY for my husband to manipulate her, he just had to trigger the NORMAL “I hate my mother” phase… the phase where moms are such a pain. While my daughter has success in her career, she has NO scruples when it comes to speaking to me as if I am vermin. She sends emails, which I read because she knows I want a relationship with her. Her emails are full of lies and accusations that I can prove are wrong. But then she cuts off my ability to respond and calls it “going NC from her abuser”. Only… I am not the abuser. I am the target, the one blamed for the person she has chosen to be.
And I end many of my days, sobbing and so disempowered, watching the beautiful child that I birthed and cherished manifest behaviors that are reminiscent of my sociopathic ex and his viper nest family.
I knew my ex was abusive to me, but he made my daughter his princess and I thought… she’s getting both our love so that was good. I had no idea, she wasn’t getting love from him, she was getting taught exert power over the people who loved her. Not to cherish love, but to use love to dominate and vent and punish the ones who love her, to scapegoat them as responsible for the consequences of her bad choices.
I learned TOO late, what a sociopath does to the children in the family, even when they aren’t beating or starving or sexually molesting them… they are damaging WHO THEY WILL BECOME.
It’s been a couple of days to catch up on the comments made. I hope that WantMyLifeBack2 and NotWhatHeSaidofMe read my response. I just want you to know how much your validating responses meant. I don’t fully expect anyone to believe me and like WantMyLife, I expect loss. The role of disciplinarian also fell to me. I became the Kill-Joy and Dream Basher. I know intellectually that I was fighting for the safety and survival of our children, but I still suffer on an emotional level. I didn’t want to be the designated family cry-er. And after all the years of running out to work, simply staving off another bankrupcy, I have been told by the two youngest sons that I was only good for the money. I know that each of us has a heart wrenching story. Dear NotWhatHeSaid, you have so much wisdom. And you sob at night too! WantMyLife, you have so much passion. The strength of your encouragement was felt, your hug received. All I know is that this will take patience, especially patience with myself. Of course I want my children, but at this stage, I must be prepared to let them go. They are used as lures by the sociopath and as a means of inflicting pain. I can restore order in my own corner of the world. I can distance myself from abuse. Although the door is open to my adult children (the youngest is 17), I won’t allow further disrespect. I gave too much. WantMyLife and NotWhatHeSaid, may you find grace in your lives!