My scary rollercoaster ride with a sociopath

Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call, “Tanya19.”

Just as Alice did, I too followed that stupid rabbit down the hole with such high hopes of finding an adventure, companionship, a better, less painful, less stressful, less depressing, less lonely life.

But instead I found the most extreme mentally, physically, emotionally taxing and just down right scariest rollercoaster ride of my life, with a man who I now believe wholeheartedly is a sociopath. A man I loved wholeheartedly, who claimed that I was the love of his life, his world, queen, savior, the best thing that ever happened to him, the only person to know him and accept him. Yet he used these same reasons, as well as plenty of other excuses, for his inability to show it on a regular basis, and would always try to buy, barter, trade or guilt for love, attention and forgiveness.

For 20 years now I have been in a relationship with this man and am currently still legally married to him for these reasons.

The first time I served him papers he tore them up set them on fire then urinated on them.

He is now, and has been for the last two years, having an affair with his latest victim and they now have a 1 year old child. Tried to serve him again last year, but he hides his address and refuses to sign.

He also, for the last few months, has been posting things claiming to have been the victim in an abusive relationship, how no one ever believes a guy can be abused, or claiming he was forced to leave an entire family to escape one demon. My response: too bad you can not run from yourself!

I will admit that I do still struggle with the drawbacks of my human feelings for him but find comfort in his exposure and entertainment in his stupidity. I am still fighting to sever that final stockholm syndrome-esque connection to him, or to stifle my overabundance of humanity, just long enough to have the courage to let my anger and intelligence work together in exposing the evil, cruel, mentally, and physically abusive, lying, cheating, psycho-social (spath) monster in my life.

I was already so filled with doubt, not only from the almost five-year age difference, the interacial aspect, as well as my own deep seated lifelong insecurities, his erratic behavior and his crippling confusing coldness, but also just that gnawing feeling inside that told me something was just a little bit off about him. But I still managed to allow myself to hold out hope, make excuses for, forgive and go out of my way to stroke the ego of this wolf in sheep’s clothing, whose marriage to me he wore like a beard to create the illusion of being “a good family man,” because how he is viewed by others is most important. Always quickly moving up in a job, well liked and spoken of highly by management and fellow employees, yet the anger, hatred and superiority he truly felt would be spewed out like hot lava with his every other word being the F bomb, followed by some sort of insult to my intelligence or skill he decided I was currently lacking.

We spent our first few years homeless. He was in and out of prison or halfway house, and we lost everything we owned. With his inability to get or keep a job, being a felon his biggest excuse at the time, and with my lack of work history, not to mention, the only babysitter or pregnant, it was a 3 ½ year ordeal, filled with times of his getting all of us, or just himself, out of every shelter. We almost lost two kids to pneumonia, one from being forced to breathe ash from local forest fires, the other from mysterious causes after being left for an hour with her father, because of his absolute refusal to do the weekly chore assigned to all family residents of our first shelter.

He had me isolated, a 3 day train ride with 5 kids, my youngest an emergency c-section, only 9 days old. Once he was employed, I witnessed, one of many more to come, a complete personality shift, from humble and caring to cold, controlling and vengeful, with a decision like birth control that lead to his first affair (17 year old tenth grader), in the back seat of our car. He would undo our baby’s carseat to make room and blame our nine year old everytime I found it undone. All this bled into my first suicide attempt, our 5th child togther, him getting stabbed, my broken knee and a full hysterectomy from HPV, something that when confronted about he laughed and claimed he did not see how it was his fault that I had Her Pu***Virus!

Those were just a few partial examples of the things I allowed him to put me and our children through — a single snowflake from the tip of the iceberg. Since 2012, after his second affair and my second suicide attempt, where his one and only reaction was concern for the possible PTSD it would have caused the babysitter having to witness. Having the truth about his statutory rape charges at age 18 revealed, forced me to finally believe my feelings, stop being the victim and rapidly take control.

I began to document and record everything I possibly could, and by 2015 was working and going to college, where along with psychology I became a certified PC tech pro — all things that removed his power and made his personality shift to super psycho paranoid schizophrenic drug addict.

Now with over 5 years of documented, audio and video evidence that I have not even gotten through the first year of, that have so far made so many things clear and proven, I have been right about who who and what this so called man truly is. My hope in his exposure with a book (title still undecided), that not only will it help my family heal, but maybe help another family identify and free themselves from a similar monster, or help draw more awareness to these types of people, leaving them with nowhere to hide, saving others from enduring any amount of time with a sociopath.