By | November 2, 2007 37 Comments

My sister is a sociopath

This is a true story told to me by one of my University students. Marisol describes life with her sister, a sociopath:

My stepfather sexually molested me when I was eight. My sister who was nine, was also molested; I know because I saw him go to her. We never talked about what happened. When she was 20, I asked her and she denied it then admitted it happened to her when I said I saw him. My father was shot and killed when we were very young. He used drugs and had a bad temper, so someone shot him. My sister was always wild when we were growing up. We fought a lot and there wasn’t much affection in my family.

My sister has been sexually promiscuous since her teen years. I never had any friends because if she would find out that I had a friend, she would have sex with that friend’s boyfriend. My mother would say I had to stick up for my sister. But, my sister has sex with nearly every man she knows. When she sees a married couple, she wants what they have, so she sleeps with the husband. When he leaves his wife to be with her, she grows tired and drops him. My sister has been with all kinds of men, black, white and Puerto Rican. She becomes whatever that man is. When she’s with a black, she acts black. She’s white when she’s with a white guy. I don’t think my sister ever uses protection when she has sex, look she had a baby a year ago. I don’t know how she can do this to herself”¦all those men. According to a friend of mine, the men in the barbershop even talk about my sister. They have all had sex with her and think she’s good.

I left home when I was 16 because my sister convinced me that my mother didn’t want me. She often told me that my mother didn’t like me. My sister told me a lot of things my mother didn’t really say. My sister has two children that I worry about, especially her son who is seven. She switches men every few months, each time there is a new guy she says to her son, “This is your father.” Then when she gets tired of the guy, she gets rid of him and her son never sees the man again. She left her son’s father when he was in jail. Her son’s father has 8 kids and he only cares for two of them. My nephew has problems and my sister just ignores him. She is into her baby now. The baby girl is one. I don’t think she knows who the baby’s father is.

My sister spends all her money on the men in her life, while her children go without clothes and doctor visits. She never pays any of her bills. She has furniture from Rent a Center, she never paid then moved away with the furniture. She doesn’t feel she should have to pay any of her bills. She has a job. She keeps it because she lies to her boss and makes her feel sorry for her. She tells everyone that she is a single mother and that she has no family. She is a single mother, but we want to help her. My sister is not sorry for any of the bad things she has done. Instead, she lies to cover things up. It seems she believes her own lies. I can’t believe how much my sister lies. She doesn’t tell the truth about anything. My sister is beautiful and very nice. I keep thinking she is a good person, then when I think about the way she treats my nephew, I get mad. She says she doesn’t want him, but she won’t give him to us. She wants to be in control.

I keep thinking that my sister acts this way because she was molested. My mother says she has always been wild and difficult. Even when my father was alive, she was oppositional. I remember she did everything he told her not to do. Although my sister does not steal from my mother, she takes advantage of her. If my mother has a boyfriend, my sister will call him behind my mother’s back, and ask him for favors, even if he and my mom aren’t that close. Although my sister doesn’t admit to having any problems, she blames my mother for everything. My mother never showed us any affection. In my culture we believe that holding babies will spoil them.

Discussion of this Case

I believe Marisol’s sister qualifies as a sociopath because she has a pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others that has been present since early childhood. She lies and is financially irresponsible. She is sexually promiscuous and has failed to care properly for her children. Her reported non-use of protection is evidence for her recklessness. Although there are no reports of physical fights, there is considerable relational aggression, which is more common in women. The presence of all these behaviors within the context of a life pattern of harming those who are closest to her defines her sociopathy.

My student’s story shows us the inability to love and power motivation of women who are high in sociopathic traits. She fails to bond with any of the men with whom she has relations. There is no compulsion to be with a specific special other; this compulsion is a necessary part of love. No one in her life is particularly special. She does get pleasure from affection and from babies. Unfortunately, her son at age seven is too old to be a source of pleasure and has been discarded. Her relationships are all about power and control. She uses both sex and money as tools for power and control. She doesn’t spend money on her children because this is caretaking. She instead spends money on men as a way of asserting power and control.

This case illustrates the many factors that create sociopathy. Poverty may have been an issue in this family. There is clearly a genetic, temperamental risk here. My student’s father was also a sociopath, and my student’s sister had all the temperamental traits at risk children have. The cultural practice of not showing warmth or affection greatly increases risk for some but not all children. My student asked me if I thought the molestation caused her sister’s problems. I think the molestation may have contributed to the sex addiction. My student asked me if there is any hope for her sister. I said that her sister would have to admit her sex addiction and her destructive patterns of behavior and work on change. My student replied, “She lies too much for that.”

You might be wondering about my student. Is she normal? She has the same genetics, the same mother and also was molested! My student illustrates the workings of the inner triangle. The inner triangle is ability to love, impulse control and moral reasoning. Marisol has had two long-term loving relationships with men. She also has a 10-year-old daughter whom she is very devoted to and cares for. So, unlike her sister, Marisol has ability to love. Marisol does have issues with impulse control. She has been arrested for fighting and states, “I have a very bad temper…I just explode”¦ I have had to train myself not to do that”¦I don’t want to explode in front of my daughter.” By her own statements, Marisol demonstrates her moral reasoning ability. Impulse control can improve when a person is motivated to try. Love and morals provide this motivation. My student also has a desire to better herself. She is getting a bachelor’s degree because she wants to achieve and have a career her daughter will be proud of. She hopes her daughter’s life will be better and easier than hers has been.

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Ox Drover

Liane, you are definitely right about the inserting yourself into a sibling situation when one is a Psychopath, the problem is KNOWING what is going on…when my kids were little since there was only 17 months between them, and the younger one “caught” up quickly in size etc. by the time they were 6-7 or so there was a fair amount of sibling scrapping going on. Because we had temporaarily moved into a smaller house while waiting a new and larger home being completed, due to the smaller size of the house, I could over hear more of their interactions, I caught on to the amount of scrapping going on, and realied that my P-son was “provoking” his brother unmercifully (the ADHD one) and took action. It stopped the apparent squabbles by telling them that I didn’t care who took the first swing, that they would both be punished for any fighting between them. My non-P son says that they actually cooperated more after that and there were less problems between them until puberty of my P-son.

In situations where there is multiple Ps in a family, and general dysfunction like the above described family, it is amazing to me that anyone can come out of that situation with a conscience and a caring spirit, but I have seen it before. One particularly horrible family situation where 2 out of the 5 kids came out wonderful people with a P mother who reminds me of a sow that eats her own pigs as they are born, and a chaotic lifestyle with a new “daddy” every few months, great physical violence against the children, etc. One child was profoundly retarded, but looked “normal” and the mother would have her dancing naked at “men’s clubs” and even sold her to several men as a “wife” until they could no longer give money to the mother, in which case she would convince her daughter to leave the men and come “home.”

I know both of the “nice” chiildren very well, and am still amazed that ANYONE could endure this kind of childhood and still have a heart, a conscience, and a soul when they grew up in such pain, misery and chaos. Two of the children in that family are 24-carat-gold-plated Ps just like mommie-dearest. What makes the difference? The environment is pretty close to the same and the genes are close as well, but maybe just enough difference in the genes and environment to make a difference. One of the two “normal” children left home at 13 on her own, and the other at 16, driven off by the violence.

Their lives are a vast improvement over their P siblings, and they are both married in long-term relationships that are healthy, after a false start by each of marrying someone that was a P as well at a young age. But both of them have literally pulled themselves up by their bootstraps emotionally, and financially, and are “successful” human beings with good hearts!

I look at my own two biological sons, one is a Psychopath of extreme violence, and the other a good man. I wish I KNEW what made the difference in the two men. (shaking my head here) but I can’t find much difference in the environment that they grew up in. I can only see that there must be some genetic quirk that the probably multiple genetic differences had something to do with it, just like they are not “identical” in facial features or eye color, something in their genetic make up tripped the trigger one way or the other.

I had a cow once that had 10 calves by 4 different bulls, and she was a KICKER, and 9 of her 10 calves would kick you just for the heck of it…the 10th calf and last calf, never tried to kick. I don’t know what genes make a bovine tend to be a kicker, but whatever it was, her calves with that one exception had it.

I’ve seen other behavioral things in animals even of the same breed that seemed to be passed from cow to calf, including the tendency to be alpha to other cattle, more aggressive, or less aggressive in SPECIFIC WAYS. Though in cattle there are some LEARNED aggressions, the behavior seems to be static even if the baby is not raised by the mother, but bottle raised instead.

Nature vs nurture again…but I agree with Liane, an aggressive sibbling should not be allowed to abuse other sibs. When there is no nurturing parent though (as there didn’t seem to be in the above situation) that becomes a really bad problem.

Ox Drover

Dear Free,

It is so sad when a child is not protected from any kind of abuse, but especially sexual abuse from a parent or other relative….who should be protecting you themselves. I am sorry that this happened to you, and it does have an effect on your feelings and concepts, especially of safety.

I think bringing it out into the open, into the light of truth, and working through this trauma is important. The way you were abused by your sister, your grandfather, etc. and not protected by your mother is bound to I would think have had profound effects on your views of the world.

But thank God that you have now come to a healing place, where you can nurture yourself. I am also so glad that you are NC with your sister. I think your friend is right, it doesn’t matter what our BLOOD RELATIONSHIP is with someone, if they are EVIL, then we don’t need them in our lives. I had always thought that it was “family no matter what” but I have finally at age 60+ realized that it is PEACE FIRST, LOVE FIRST, KINDNESS FIRST, and that it doesn’t matter what the blood relationship is, if the person is toxic they are not needed in my life. If you wouldn’t put up with toxic behavior from someone outside your family, why should you put up with it from a blood relative who SHOULD be more loving?

You deserve so much more than what you sister is, or your X, we can’t go back and fix the past, but we can make the future better! ((((hugs))))))

Free, our experiences are, if not on an outward level, very similar in terms of emotional tolls. Abuse by a family member, with the complicity of those who were supposed to be caring for us, leaves such devastation.

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think what happened with your grandfather would change how your sister was to you. She was how she was because that is who she is .

We have to deal with what happened to us and process it in order to heal. I know that this initial wounding in childhood still colors how I feel and react about nearly everything, but especially close relationships. In some ways, it made me a much better person. In others, though, it left scars.


Free, What an incredible cycle of abuse you have suffered, and yet how beautifully your courage and positive loving nature shines through. It continues to amaze me, how many victims of P’s that post on this sight are able to be hopeful and loving towards others, inspite of their own devestating brushes with “the other side”, the P/S/N’s.

It seems to me the hardest part of finding balance is the tension between chosing to be open and loving and trusting towards others while also protecting ourselves from those who cannot be loved or trusted. And perhaps, coming from disordered families, we chose to be open and loving and honest, we chose to be NOT LIKE THEM in order to move on. But until we have been taught the second part, the part about protecting ourselves from further harm we remain vulnerable. I haven’t mastered the second part yet, but I am determined to do so.

My mother was a foster child in war torn Europe, and sufferred fourteen different households and the constant threat of actual starvation. Altho I hated her during my teens, and she was abusive, when I got older I used to say, “it amazes me that she did not become a phsycopath”, she gave us better than what she endured, and in parenting my daughter I tried to give better again, and now my daughter too struggles to do less damage than what I did to her.

But we still haven’t broken the CYCLE. My daughter is struggling to seperate from the father of her kids, who it turns out is a classic P/S/N. Even with a heroic struggle to do better for her children, she stumbled upon the choice of an N for a partner.

Right now we are both healing together and learning so much from and about each other. Even tho’ we were communicating during our relationships with the Bad Man, it is only now that we are seeing the eerie similaties in the abuse we tolerated. Both of us invested a huge amount in “making it work”. But both of us were also in denial about the fact that we were being abused.

This is perhaps the new power we have, to SEE the abuse, or the red flags when they appear and to protect ourselves. To be aware if we are giving in to someone who tries to dominate and control and to protect ourselves. Maybe that is one more item for the list

I love and approve of myself
I am willing to change
I can make my life better
I can be loved
I can be loving

I can protect myself, by doing all of the above.

Ox Drover

Wow! Free!

How life-life affirming that was. It just seems sometimes that God sends us just what we need just when we need it right out of “nowhere.”

The projection we get from our family–like your mom telling you that you were just like your dad (that she hated) and you trying to be so “good” to show her you weren’t. These things can set us up to allow abuse later by others.

Finding out the “whys” of why we allowed ourselves to be abused is definitely, I think, at least part of how we BREAK THE CYCLE. Especially for those of us that have had a series of Ps in our lives in various roles.

In a way it was almost like a “script” that I was trying to live out, to live up to this fantasy of what “life should be”. A script written by someone else.


Oxdrover. How that bit about our mothers resonated with me. My mother said exactly that to me and I used to clean the whole house as a child to win her approval. I constantly used to think about the script, the life that I envied that someone else had and how I found it hard to accept the life that I have been dealt. Perhaps as we get older and as an aid of what we have learnt off the back of the experiences with Ps/N/Ss etc, that we learn to really accept ourselves for who we are and this transistion comes in many disguises.

Ox Drover

Dr Eric Berne, explains in his book “Games People Play” and other books about the “games” and the “scripts” that we learn from our parents who are “gods” to us when we are little, and their word is from “tablets of stone” come down from the mountain…we accept these “pronouncements” as “carved in stone” and the TRUTH when they are nothing but our parent’s projections on to us of attributes that for whatever reason they do so. But we, as small children, having no real idea of what is true or what is false, accept these and try to live up to (or down to) these pronouncements.

I remember vividly being told as a fairly small child that I was “lazy” (that was a really “bad” thing in our family) because I didn’t want to go work in the family vegetable garden. I think all my life my “work-a-holism” has been trying to prove this “pronouncement” was WRONG.

I am sure there are also other “pronouncements” about my CHARACTER that I am not so consciously aware of that, but they still effect me today.

The “happy respectable family” script that I was handed as a child and expected to live up to, even though the REALITY was that my mom’s brother was a MONSTER, etc. and that the reality of the “happy family” script was that we had to PRETEND IT WAS TRUE IN PUBLIC. We had to cover up any public displays of anything that was not “happy or respectable” and if it wasn’t possible to cover it up or hide it, we then went to “Plan B” which was to pretend we didn’t see or know it…pretend it didn’t exist.

Looking back now, I realize that my childhood centered mostly around this “script” and how to learn how to live it, what role to play, what lines to say, etc. If I stepped outside of this script, I was punished in some way.

I can apply Aloha’s “Informed denial” in so many aspects. It is no wonder that we don’t want to open this “can of worms”–on in my case at least this “can of snakes” and take a look at what is REALLY going on in the situation—or to admit that we have “played along with” this “Informed denial” even when we were INFORMED, and we “knew better” we KNEW it wasn’t right, and I think that is where the “beating ourselves up” comes in, in that I at least KNEW IT WAS WRONG, and still couldn’t and wouldn’t face the truth enough to break out of the cycle. Every time the “punishment” kicked in because I read different lines, I never had the back bone, strength, and fortitude to stand up for very long, but took back my script and started reading the lines for my “role” in this family play.

Sheesh! I’m 61 years old for goodness sakes—and how long have I been trying to twist “reality” to fit the twisted plot of this script.? How much effort did it take on my part to FOOL MYSELF, or partly fool myself, because I don’t think I ever entirely fooled my self, I just ignored ME when I started to see reason, and kicked myself until I quit speaking the truth, it got to the point that they didn’t have to punish me any more when I “colored outside the lines” I PUNISHED MYSELF for any alteration in the lines I was supposed to read.

I know I can’t rewrite the lines they want to say, but I don’t have to participate in the deceptions any more. As long as I am willing to FACE THE TRUTH, however ugly it is, accept myself–both the positive and the negative–and work on improving MY OWN LIFE, and living LIFE, not reading lines from a script someone else wrote…I will be a much more authentic human being rather than a shell of one.

I don’t have to work 24/7-365 to prove I am not lazy just because one day when I was 10 or 11 years old I didn’t want to go work in the garden and hoe instead of play; and I don’t have to let someone abuse me or violate reasonable boundaries because I realize it is NOT a sin to “hurt someone’s feelings” because you won’t allow them to use/abuse you.

HOW LIBERATING THAT IS! “Informed ACCEPTENCE instead of Informed DENIAL” (Thanks Aloha, that was a great one!)

Ox Drover

In my morning “coffee drinking and ruminating” time this morning I have been thinking more and more about the script that I was trying to play out…makes a lot of sense about a lot of things, that I kept trying to twist reality to make it fit the “plot” of the script.

In a way it is almost hilarious—the twists of reality to fit the plot–using all the “stage props” of denial, camouflage, fake expressions, etc. sacking an actor who wanted to improvise lines or alter the plot, who wouldn’t take “direction”—I’m sitting here right now looking at my life as this multi-generational “stage play” that started out I think as a farce and has ended as a Greek Tragedy, complete with a Trojan Horse-P.

Free, that was beautiful. It’s eerie how much it echoes my feelings since childhood. I wonder if abuse makes us consider at a much younger age than people raised in more safe environments these matters of our “scripts” and what our souls experience.

To me, I think it is a matter of my trying to process the abuse and put it in a livable context, even as a child. You know, no experience is without its own value — that kind of idea? Since I’d suffered very young, I thought of things much less age-appropriate and more profound than most peers, and returned over and over to the notion of what kind of person is forged from suffering.

An empath is forged from suffering — but, from my limited understanding, so is a psychopath or narcissist, sometimes!

Isn’t that just a terrible and intense paradox – that the same sorts of terrible experiences shared create two different types of people on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum?

The other night, while trying to sleep, I began to realize that we really only have two choices of what to do with extremely painful experience: give it up to God and place it among that which strengthens our endurance and increases our awareness of others’ suffering, or turn to the dark side and become what we witnessed.

And I really did feel, at that moment, the angels rooting for me to go back to who I was before these negative experiences, to heal and love that innocent young girl.

I do not wish to become bitter or evil. I do not wish to allow fear to rule my heart or to damage me, rather than heal. Is it really possible just through changing the script? Each day I become increasingly aware that some sort of therapy might really be necessary to get to the blocked memories I have from childhood and integrate them.

Is that something you did and experienced? Any ideas as to what kind of therapist to find?


This discussion is really fascinating. I have thought about that too, that some people turn out to be horrible nasty people and others turn out to be caring and loving, even if they were victims of the same circumstances. I guess we’ll never know for sure what exactly causes the difference between the two.

In my husband’s joint family, my nieces live in the same house as their cousins. They are beaten and verbally abused by their mother, while their cousins are treated with kindness and compassion by theirs. The difference between the two sets of kids is really visible. The abused ones are very aware of everything, they laugh less and they observe everything like hawks, while the others are happy-go-lucky and act like kids.

I remember having those profound thoughts when I was a kid, I worried about my family’s problems and felt as if they were as much mine as anyone else’s. No one could tell me to “go play” because I always had questions about everything and observed situations and analyzed them. I guess when something like abuse happens to you, the need to explain why it is happening makes you question everything in life.

Lil Orphan,
I am going through the process of unblocking memories that haven’t come to me in years. I am not in therapy but writing has helped dislodge some of them from the recesses of my brain. I find that when I describe some the rooms that I used to inhabit as a child, or write about some of the memories that I do remember, something that was hidden for years comes flooding back. Sometimes it is a part of the abuse that I never understood, and now, knowing what I do about disordered personalities, it makes perfect sense. That is a big relief to have things make sense after being so confused in the past. I’m sure therapy in which you talk about the mundane things and spaces you experienced as a child would do the same thing. Maybe hypnotism would work too?

Free, your posts lately have been really wonderful and full of truth. I am so happy that you are coming to terms with things and finding your way in life. Reading everyone’s posts here just make me feel so alive and even though we have been through hell, we are regaining a sense of wonder for creation. No disordered person could possibly do that because they are forever trapped in the prison of their twisted minds.

Ox Drover


My mother has a saying that I think explains the differences in how people “weather” the same environment and come out differently.

The same sun that hardens the clay, melts the wax.

It (environment) effects the MATERIALS (genetics + prior experiences) in each of us in different ways, so that one person thrives in X environment while Y person does not do well in the same environment.

They have now discovered that to a great extent that the perception of pain in people is geneticly controlled. There is a stoic gene and a wimp gene, the person who gets 2 stoics is “tough” and not much effected by pain, the person with 1 of each is sort of in themid range and the person with 2 wimp genes goes spastic over a paper cut on their finger.

As health care professionals we always knew there was a difference but not why until the last couple of years. Of course there is also environment and culture that chimes in to how we respond to pain, but the genetic component is there as well, and very influential. As the human genome project continues it will probably turn out that a great deal of our “selves” is biological.

All very interesting stuff though.


I have flashbacks, sometimes. Very seldom, but when they come they are triggered by external sensory stimuli – particularly music. Have always hated one particular song so much and never understood why until one day it was on the radio and I SAW a moment of what happened and that music had been playing.

Don’t get me wrong. I do remember much of it. Don’t spend a lot of time trying to envision it, because I’m good with visualization techniques (positive ones) and am afraid to “pull in” the negative with the full force of remembrance.

But hypnotism has been interesting me more and more over the years. That might be the best start. Am kind of afraid of it. Has anyone else done it?


Yes, very interesting stuff. As an adoptee, you learn that biology is much stronger than previously realized. I share physical quirks with my bio parents, big and little, like how we push our glasses up, etc. We also share philosophies on life (me and the bio mom) and, we think, the empathy thing. Which one of my girls has and the other hasn’t.

All very intriguing.

Have a great day ladies.



Yes, music really works to jog the memory. There are still some songs that give me a nauseous feeling when I hear them. Another thing is specific smells. I think that is the sense that is most closely connected with memory. Sometimes I catch a whiff of something and I am automatically transported back to when I smelled the same thing in the past. Really weird. It’s amazing how complex the human brain is.

Well, I have very little sense of smell left these days from being such a smoker. BUT — I do recall that feeling.

On the whole subject of childhood abuse – my brother is a sadistic asshole. Fortunately, we’re not bound by blood. Every chance he had to be a nice guy he deliberately did cruel things. For instance, when I was like 11 or 12 or so he had a waterbed and was going camping. So I asked if I could sleep in his room to sleep on a waterbed for one time. He said no. Later, he came in all sweetly and said I could.

The next morning I woke up with poison ivy all over my face and in between my fingers. Just huge welts. I know he put the ivy there. When I was three, he pushed me down the basement steps. I could have died. He was six.

He was the original prototype (except male) for that movie “The Bad Seed.” As he grew older, his deeds grew more depraved and abusive, in all ways.

As far as I’m concerned, he was evil incarnate. Because he knew things little kids should not know, and he committed acts that were beyond mean pranks. He is still evil incarnate and abusive to my parents (not me, because he knows I’d call the cops or get back in his face or whatever at this stage of the game).

He is one of the few people in life I can actually say I might actually hate and for whom anger is never hard to muster. 🙂

The same sun that hardens the clay, melts the wax.

Never heard that one before, OxD. I do know my brother was not abused in our home and yet he exhibited signs of being a P from when we were small. First, just little things: instigating fights and then lying about who hit whom, that sort of thing. His bad nature grew as he grew.

For me, I know it’s necessary to do some regression and recover what’s missing, because otherwise I will have trust issues the rest of my life, as well as poor boundaries and cheap defense mechanisms –and all of that is destructive to relationships.

When I talk about healing, it’s not so much from the most recent relationship as it is from the distant past, to integrate the experiences rather than run from them.


Tolle’s book “A New Earth” shows you how to quiet your mind, go silent, be with the Holy Spirit that lives within all of us. Anyone that manipulates others for whatever reason and cares less (no feelings, no emotions, no compassion) is an anti-social personality who needs to be walked through Tolle’s steps with professionals that comprehend Tolle’s teachings. The reason people who are in touch with their emotions usually (and I’m saying usually) do not act out towards others is because their emotions are their breaking mechanism not to tread on or trample over another (do unto others as you want done unto you). Anti-socials do not have/or do not use (due to burying their emotions deep down inside of them – what their ego has blocked out of their lives so they act as if they don’t have emotions, which ends up the result in their case) of anything goes attitude until they are caught. They know this. Do any thing, any time, to anyone until someone stops them. Stopping them means spending you money and your time and exhausting your emotions. And our courts go along with this. It’s such nonsense living under these old out dated standards in today’s society. As loving and mature adults who take responsibility for our lives … why aren’t we ensuring others in positions of authority in our society also be responsible before they are hired or appointed into these positions?

Two books that should be read and studied by everyone in our society for the rest of our lives “A New Earth” by Tolle, explaining how to read the Bible. The Bible, God’s word which is the base to our society. We should stop taking the LIP SERVICE that anti-socials who made their way to the top of the heap in society throw at us. We’re all at fault for this. All of us to allow anti-socials in society to take over and control this beautiful world that God created for all of us, not just the few of them that have no respect for God. Period.


Just saying it out loud. My sister is a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist…and all of the above. Such damage she has imposed on our family is so overwhelming I cannot begin to tell. I will start with how she used to try to make me sad and make me cry when she would leave after a visit home. I was 5 she was 18. She would sit me down and sing a sad song to me that she used to say was ‘our song’. She would make me tell her that I would sing that song at her funeral if I never saw her again. She would try to make me feel that I might never see her again. She would tell me that she wished that she could take me with her so that I would not have to stay in such a horrible place. She would tell me that she could not stand to go away and could not bear to live without me. Then she would stand in the driveway and hug me and tell me that everything would be ok and she would come back and rescue me soon. She would drive away leaving me standing in the driveway crying. She would wave and blow kisses. It was heartbreaking then. It is sickening and disgusting now…. (by the way, my parents were warm, loving, easy) that was the beginning… there is soooooooo much more. Thanks for listening.


My sibs are all normal loving people, but my mom was pretty abusive when I was young. We have fought and struggled to improve our relationship since I moved close to her in 1997. Still I have to honor her, because she has come such a long way, and tried so hard to improve herself. Plus she kept our family together, always worked hard to make sure we had what we needed. All my sibs and me, especially do struggle with self esteem issues, and feeling like failures at times, but we have all been fairly successful in love and life, and our kids are all good kids with no arrests or big problems.


My Sister (Patsy) I was going to write something in her memory. I can’t it’s too painful I miss you sis


she was sexually abused by my father and brother and beaten by my narcissist mother for (allowing that too happen) she took her life at the age of 48 – she lived an emotionally tormented life – she was beautifull – she was my sister – she loved me unconditionally – she protected me from so much – she is ….my big sister –


she was not a sociopath – but like me a victim of their evil – enuff said

Ox Drover

Dear Sistergone,

I am so sorry you had such a horrible relationship with your P-sister, what a horrible thing for anyone to do to a child. What a beast she was to make a small child cry like that, how she had planned and executed such a drama is about as low as you can go.

I’m glad that you are here, knowledge is power and learning about them will help you to come to grips with having such a member of your family. Quite a few of us here have P family members as well as EX’s My youngest biological son is a P, my biological father is a P, and I grew up with Ps on the other side as well, and enablers, so I can definitely relate to dealing with Ps all around me in my family. Welcome.

Ox Drover

Dear Henry,

I am so sorry that you had such a miserable childhood, and sorry for your sister too. When people chose to take their own lives because of such pain, it leaves us in such pain as well, especially “us” because we wish we could have taken their pain onto ourselves and “saved” them.

One of my foster kids committed suicide a few years ago, and his home life had been horrible, and though I only had him about a year, and had many visions of “conking him on the head FOR REAL with the iron skillet” during that time, I grew to love him, and I actually thought he was doing well in life but apparently not. He was just “keeping up a good front.”

Borderlines and others who “threaten suicide” (but have no intention of doing it) to hurt those they love, are different from those that “do suicide”–who are really and deeply in pain they can’t bear. Your sister is not in pain any more, Henry, she is at peace. She isn’t suffering any more.

My husband’s death was particularly “traumatic” to those of us who witnessed the plane crash, but I also realize that “it could have been worse”—if he had had a stroke or a heart attack and sat in his chair for years, unable to do what he loved, or had cancer like my step dad did, He would have been so miserable and unhappy. I would never have been ready to “let him go” but at the same time, I realize in retrospect that it really COULD have been worse. My step son at the memorial service started his talk with “Cancer? stroke? heart attack? plane crash? Which would had have preferred?”

The answer was OBVIOUS and that has been a great comfort to me through these lonely years since he has been gone. I miss him, but I realize at the same time, that he is AT PEACE NOW. Not old and sick or in pain sitting in a chair unable to do things he loved. My step dad handled his last 18 months with cancer in a graceful and dignified way, but I KNOW MY HUSBAND WOULD NOT HAVE—so I am so grateful to God that he died “in good health”—-(some of my black humor there, but it’s true) He is also STILL WITH ME in so many ways, and I can laugh at his jokes still, and even “talk to him” and your sister will always LIVE as long as someone loves her and remembers her. And while WE never want to give them up, let them go, let them have peace, we have to realize that there is a plan, and that God IS GOOD, and have faith that we will see them again, and remember the good times and keep them safe in our hearts. (sniff, slobber, blow my nose, sniff again) Pass the kleenex. (((((Henry)))))) xoxox


thank you oxy this thread about sister’s – just got to me – couldn’t help it –


Oxy: My brother’s best friend’s cousin officiated at my Dad funeral. An Irish priest from Ireland. Just happened to be visiting with his cousin during the time my Dad passed over. This priest gladly officiated over my father’s funeral … saying back then which was unheard of at the time (now it’s said in many churches) and never spoken in our country. Some of the eulogy went as follows … Stanley was a loving son to his parents, loving brother to his siblings, loving husband to his wife and loving father to his children. He was a great friend to all that knew him … Before he was conceived, his spirit was somewhere else … he didn’t want to leave where he was, he was happy and content … but conception happened. Through conception, he lived inside his mother womb. He was happy and content where he existed and didn’t want to leave … then nine months later … he was born. He lived his life for 71 years and was happy and content here. Then death called him. He didn’t want to leave … but it was his calling. Now his spirit is going on to the next phase of his existence and I’m sure he doesn’t want to leave where he is now … because something else will happen ….

I never heard this said in a Catholic church in the states until my Dad’s funeral. Since my Dad’s death, I’ve heard similar services over the years.

Peace Everyone … we don’t know, but we put our faith in the Lord.

Yes Thank you for writing all this.

Anti-socials do not have/or do not use (due to burying their emotions deep down inside of them ”“ what their ego has blocked out of their lives so they act as if they don’t have emotions…..


Abuse by a family member, with the complicity of those who were supposed to be caring for us, leaves such devastation.

The projection we get from our family”“like your mom telling you that you were just like your dad (that she hated) and you trying to be so “good” to show her you weren’t. These things can set us up to allow abuse later by others.

<i Pronouncments

It (environment) effects the MATERIALS (genetics + prior experiences) in each of us in different ways, so that one person thrives in X environment while Y person does not do well in the same environment.

I might add that a paper cut for me is nothing. My entire life used to take personal pride in my high ox-like pain threshold, and that I could withstand years of stress and weeks of physical pain until I actually burned and had a breakdown. I later realised that this pain threshold is textbook symptom of abuse/ptsd(!). I actually don’t know how to report pain. Instead of exposing abuse, I lived alongside it. It’s something i’ll always have. I feel I could give birth standing up straight in a crowded shopping centre without pulling a face.

I may try to write about sibling abuse and its devastation. There’s not enough about sibling abuse on LF. It’s an abuse that lasts a lifetime, its victims scarred by chronic esteem issues, the legacy of the ‘lord of the rings’ pack mentality. I witnessed sibling abuse in my elders when I was 6 or so. I was instriniscally aware of abuse and bullying among them. The abused (elder sister) was the ‘crazy’ one; the non abused were the labellers and devoid of any empathy and are impossible to speak to as they exhibit zero awareness. If trauma of any kind hits their own, they respond accordingly. If trauma hits a fellow sibling/weak person; they bring out their labels. There’s a golden child, pawn, scapegoat, alpha m/f, victim, target, bully. Each person in my family carries one of those personalities.

i The abused ones are very aware of everything, they laugh less and they observe everything like hawks, while the others are happy-go-lucky and act like kids.


This is the only page on the site that deals with this issues regarding sibling abuse. Quite frustrating.

The below link is a word for word description of what I’m dealing with. The dysfunctional dynamics last an entire lifetime. It’s not the case of moving on and finding peace after the abuser leaves your life, as the legacy of being the target is complete alienation and a tarnished reputation. Not one punctuation is out of place in the article below.

Whilst LF has served a great deal of insight and education and validationintothe psychopath mindset, there’s very little I’m finding in terms of the kind of abuse as described in Tim Field’s article.

The two female sociopaths I know are not criminals, drunks with a history of money, living issues. They’re exceedingly financially comfortable and have a strong family unit of their own. They don’t abuse their partners, they rely on the healthy partner to create the facade they are good people. They disable any notion of “unity” in their target and ensure any bonds their targets previously had are quickly destroyed. Therefore theyuse their strong family unit as a mask, whereas their targets have none, which is a visible advantage they use. “Antisocials are known as being isolated, bullies don’t have friends, a social group etc.” No. They surround themselves with normal healthy socially strong groups of people. Their words and actions take place without witnesses, but they create a visible interpretation of their tactics by creating a strong sense of social unity around themselves, disbaling the one around their targets. It’s right in front of people but they don’t notice the pattern. They are powerful role models and do not steal. They are members of wine tatsing groups, so they don’t fit the drug/drink abusing profile. They attend cultural events, they particpate in mother-toddler groups, they arrange social workshops; they create a watertight facade of perfection in every aspect of their lives. They provoke in their targets anger; they ensure it is only expressed in front of an audience, in my case in her home with their spouse present. With such a strong facade anything I say will be dismissed and used as slander against the abusers.

There seems to be a onging perception and experience that female sociopaths have a history of social problems. I’m reading time and again this description of LF. Female sociopaths are golden and don’t have a string of failed relations, jobs, money issues. They’re secure for life, they build a healthy world around them and they live perfect lives in perfect homes and perfect marriages and perfect children in perfect jobs.

Oops, here’s that link –

Ox Drover

Dear Outlier,

While there may not be a great deal of “sibling on sibling” articles here there are many articles and commentsw about family abuse.

Actually, I’ve come to find out that what the RELATIONSHIP between sociopath and victim is doesn’t seem to matter a great deal, the dynamics are pretty much the same—control over another.

The biggest “differences” seem to be when a victim is a CHILD it is tougher on the victim because they are not accorded the protection that every child deserves. If the abuser is a parent or a sibling (or BOTH) the victim cannot escape from the abuse. It’s bad enough when it is adult to adult abuse, but when it is adult or bigger child abuse of a smaller/younger child it is even worse I think.

Many of us here have had abuse from multiple sources, and it is still abuse, and sets us up to experience abuse as “normal.” When we rebel against this treatment, when we start to break free, it is difficult but possible. The child doesn’t have that option to leave or rebel successfully. If we have been that child the scars can be very very deep. I am sorry that you have experienced this sibling on sibling abuse, compounded by abuse from your parent as well. The double whammy of hell!

Keep on growing, learning, reading, and let your knowledge enable you to empower yourself! (((hugs)))) and God bless.


I am new here as I have recently learned that my sister is a sociopath. It is amazing what comes out after the damage has been done. We did not live in the same state for 20 years…I had little communication with her; I always knew I didn’t like her, and she always had a strange rivalry with me.
She became pregnant, single, and I began to support her emotionally and financially. When I think of the money I have given her, I cringe. I eventually moved her near my home, in my state. Gave her money monthly, paid for everything from food to clothing for her child, to medical bills, to gas in her car!
On top of all of this, I also gave her a home (not mine, but one that is owned by me) rent free. When I saw the condition of my property, began to see some lies unfold, the way her child behaved, I told her she had to leave my property. I cut off financial support and distanced myself and family from her and her child.
She came to my home while I had a family emergency, and stayed with my children. She was alone with them for 5 days. She then accused my son of molesting her daughter. She called DSS, they cleared my family and children of any harm. I spoke with the police, nothing came of all this. Needless to say, I have not been in contact with my sister. However, six months down the road, an overzealous local cop, new to this, decided to press charges on my child. We are now in a nightmare, but learning more and more.
My sister has accused at least 5 people of molesting/raping/touching her. She has accused her child’s father of molesting her child (to numerous people). The amount of people giving her money is astounding. If I weren’t living in hell right now, I would be fascinated.
My sister fits EVERY trait for a sociopath. She has been informally diagnosed by 3 separate professional who have come into contact with her.
Finding this site is helpful, thank you.

Ox Drover

Dear Daisygirl,

I am so very sorry you are having such a living hell-on-earth night mare! ((((hugs))))) Oh, yes, they are bitter and poison and tarnish anyone or anything that they come into contact with, especially family and those who have done things for them out of caring, concern and love.

I keep you and your family in my prayers. This is a wonderful support site. Read through the archived articles here the knowledge will be of comfort to you in many ways and give you strength! God bless you, I’ll keep you in my prayers.


Dear OxDover,
Thank you very much. In trying to look at the bright side of this, with her being a sociopath she has left many a trail that is going to prove my son’s innocence.
What is the deal with female sociopaths and sexual accusations? Over and over again we keep hearing the same things; then she leaves.

Ox Drover

Dear Daizy,

I can’t even imagine the pain you must be going through until your son scrapes by this attack and comes out alive. I swear these creatures may lookj human but they are pure EVIL intentions. If they canh’t get what they want, then they want to ?DESTROY you and yours. Some how they FEED of of other people’s pain and agony.

Read here, ALL 700+ of the old articles (only the last year are there by dates but the rest are there under the authors so start with the authors and read each one so you don’t miss a single one. The subject varies but I have no doubt that you will find many articles that make you go AH HA!!!!!!!

Learning about the psychopath is important, but we also have to learn about ourselves and how to protect and heal ourselves. God bless you and your son!

It isn’t just female sociopaths but that is ONE aspect of them the basic, ATTENTION, PRESENTING AS A VICTIM, CONTROL and DESTRUCTION and ANY thing they can do to accomplish those things is pervectly ok and a sexual accusatioon is a great one. He said/she said and of course babies can be programmed to say anything. ((((Hugs))))


Welcome to LF, I hope you find the educational articles as helpful as we have. There is much to learn here and much support from our hell!

I think female spaths find anything sexual….get’s attention and she can ge twhat she’s looking for with sex or sexual claims. It seems to have ‘worked’ for her in the past and spaths always go back to familiar!!!
Watch your back!!
She WILL be exposed….remain vigilant, tenacious and document everything you can get your hands on to exonerate your child.

Again…Welcome to LF…..I’m sorry you have the need to be here!




We still aren’t at trial, and we still haven’t settled, although at least we are moving on with discovery demands.

While spath wants written permission to take our son out of state, he does not tell me where he is and his girlfriend of over a year (the adultress) writes all communications.

I ask:

Since you have not responded to me regarding son’s whereabouts this week, am I to assume you are staying at home?
Please let me know where you (and son) are this week.
Because we have joint custody of son, I should be kept informed.

Thank you.

Spath (spaths girlfriend “brainwashed”) says:
We are supposed to inform each other if we are taking son out of state. Therefore since I didn’t email you that means I am not out of state. If you read your 2 emails, you said “IF” therefore….if I don’t respond that means I am not out of state.

Now, anyone have an idea as to HOW to find out WHERE they ARE?

I want to say to Spath, “So if I drive by your house tonight, you’ll be there?”

Ox Drover

Dear Banana/fight another day!

OK I’m gonna BOINK you on that one, chickie. YOU ARE STILL GETTING UPSET AND COMMUNICATING WITH HIM OVER THEH LITTLE STUFF—you are walking right into his hands, he KNOWS he is pithing you off and he has ACCOMPLISHED HIS PURPOSE. Unless the kid comes home missing a LIMB or with an eye ball gone SHUT THE FRACK UP!!!!! You are giving him attention and that is just what he and the GF are want6ing. Now QUIT IT!!!!! ((((Hugs)))))


My brother definitely shows low conscience.

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